The most enjoyable journey of my life

[sarapr]

Each PMS I go through , I come out the other end with some growth. Might not be all that bad after all. I notice myself having worries and monkey chaters in my mind about a particular thing each month and I think about that problem so much that I put it away completely and then the next month it's a new issue but no longer the previous ones or if it is a previous issue it wouldn't be as strong just some mild leftovers . I do think that PMS is helping me uncover my subconscious issues and shed some light on them so that I can solve them .   

Edited May 26, 2018 by sarapr

[sarapr]

I am thinking of putting this spirituality thing away although I know it is the only true way of happiness , it simply won't work for me now . before I can let go of materialistic desires , I need to have some materials in the first place to then let go of, you know . it works in full circle ways . you be so selfish that you get selfless . specially in today's world there's no way to shoot for the main goal head on , you need to bend the way a lot before you get there and even in the past, spiritual people became enlightened only after their 30s or 40s off course with the exception of prophets cause they seemed to never care for these sorts of things from the beginning but the more normal people who became enlightened did so in the next half of their lives after they had built a decent enough life for themselves and had lived solely based on satisfying their ego. 

Since this whole thing is making me lose interest in everyday stuff, I want to put it off. Even if I didn't, it still wouldn't mean much cause my attention is divided and it would be a half assing of all the things that I do without making any of them produce results and in a few years I'd totally regret the whole thing for having wasted my life chasing everything but not having gotten to any of them and then I'd also be out of time to do anything about it . totally miserable life to think about it. But if I focus on one thing at a time, I'll get to do all that I wish, everything I have in mind. It really is a hierarchy that you have to climb up before you get to enlightenment and a selfless life.

The most important step I gotta take to implement what I decided is to watch my information intake . that's one thing that really holds me down cause it's like I'm doing great in whatever thing I'm doing and a video comes up, I watch it but then it gives me an existential crisis which I have to deal with before I can continue with anything else and this process of handling myself is actually the obstical to handling the issue in a meaningful way and actually the decision I make eventually in trying to balance myself in the face of that crisis is that I cant really do anything about at this point cause my resources don't allow for that so again I'm back at square one with only less time to do the same work so you get the absurdity of this whole situation that I keep putting myself into and I don't learn the lesson .so I will only read books or watch videos on materialistic related stuff and focus all my attention on that . if I do that hundred percent then I'm optimistic I will have put away all the obstacles by the time I'm 30 (tops) .even thinking about it I get excited by what I will have become by the time I'm thirty ,that's huge beilve me. 

I remember before getting to highschool I always thought oh my god I can do so much in this 4 years, I will build my foundation and put all my effort into these years cause I know this is the time with the most payoff and guess what ? I have come very far from where I was . you wouldn't beilve it . my world view has changed so dramatically, I've embarked on a lot of cool adventures and I did achieve most of what I had in mind. I consider it a success overall so now when I think I will have achieved a lot by that time, I'm actually very optimistic that I will . anyways who cares I was saying sth else .

Where was I!? Umm I was saying that, oh I rembered , that then after I achieve all the materialistic goals I have then I will focus hundred percent on spirituality and really when I think about it I have no ideas how my life will turn out after five years from now cause after five years there are just so many different ways I could go in that I honestly can't plan for any further. it's a vast plain to choose from. 

For now I will focus all my energy on what I said with only little daily mediation practices and small stuff like that but nothing mind blowing I promise . it needs a lot of self regulations though, it sounds easy but it's not. It's almost like it's become sort of an addiction to keep creating a crisis to solve . I'm gonna try no mind on this, meaning awareness .

I can't solve thinking with more thinking . that is sth I should understand in my bones . I always think if I thought about this issue enough I could solve it but this thinking becomes an addictive behavior of worrying . even right now I still want to continue to think about it . let's have five deep breaths and then see if I can stop myself now, let alone other times so here we go : I did it . it feels good.

I am out of here . 

Edited May 31, 2018 by sarapr

[MarkusSweden]

22 minutes ago, sarapr said:

 

I am out of here . 

I will miss you! Take care beautiful girl! 

You will have a great future. 

Hope to see you here again someday!

Take care.  

[sarapr]

On 5/31/2018 at 9:59 PM, MarkusSweden said:

I will miss you! Take care beautiful girl! 

You will have a great future. 

Hope to see you here again someday!

Take care.  

@MarkusSweden that's not exactly how I meant it.

Don't throw me out so soon, tired of me already? 

I meant it for that moment only .

[MarkusSweden]

22 minutes ago, sarapr said:

@MarkusSweden that's not exactly how I meant it.

Don't throw me out so soon, tired of me already? 

I meant it for that moment only .

Haha, ok, sorry! 

I'm happy it was just for that moment. 

You better never leave us, always nice hear your angle of the things we discuss here. 

Edited June 3, 2018 by MarkusSweden

[sarapr]

4 minutes ago, MarkusSweden said:

Haha, ok, sorry! 

I'm happy it was just for that moment. 

You better never leave us, always nice hear your angle of the things we discuss here. 

[sarapr]

I just want to write

I don't even have anything to write about

Well I am happy right now. Very happy. Like I've found the love of my life. Haha. 

It is all very interesting . I am very much enjoying myself for no reason . 

You know what ? 

Haha I remembered sth right now 

This morning my mom came to wake me up and I was having wild dreams , I don't explicitly remember but it was an action sort of dream. Each time my mom comes to wake me and sees me that dead tired she feels guilty to force me to wake up so she says when should I come back to wake you. This morning she asked me that and you wouldn't believed what I said, haha, I said one divided by the neper number ( it's easier to say it in my own language though) I was thinking of if you limit that number in infinity you'd get zero so it would mean I'll wake up in no time  ( actually when I woke up I realized that's not really true and if I had said one divided by n and then the limit of that in infinity then that would be zero) but anyway , my mom totally lost it , seeing that I'm saying nonsense in sleep and kept asking did you just hear yourself? I'm asking you the time , what are you talking about !!

There have been other instances like this before . I say all sort of crap when I'm not fully awake.

Actually no one trusts what I say when I'm still not fully awake sometimes I really want sth but they don't do it for me cause they think I'm talking in delirium .

me and my dreams !!

 

Edited June 3, 2018 by sarapr
spelling

[sarapr]

I came across a documentary called zero days related to the stuxnet virus .

I remember back in the time when the name of the virus was all over the news but only now do I understand it was meant to target nuclear facilities in Iran. 

Kinda cool I think.  It was also the time of those assassinations.

I really feel bad for those nuclear scientists who got assassinated that easily , I mean why the hell would you let your nuclear scientists go around the city that unprotected , at least the government should care enough to not let that happen . those poor scientists got murdered in front of their kids , 5 year old kids or maybe they got killed too, I'm not sure of the details but in one case I know their kids and wivies were there. 

At the time I remember we made all sorts of jokes about it . very happy people who joke around even when their scientists get killed  

Whatever sanction and political crisis happens here , the people always joke about it and go to comedy shows laughing their misery away .

Only one group of people actually get affected by these sanctions , the middle class. Cause the politicians don't really care in fact it gets better for them to do their money laundery and fraud . the rich ones don't care either, actually they get richer . the very poor ones don't mind either cause they would be poor even if they lived in the wealthiest country of the world cause some people are just meant to be that way and no one can help them. But the middle class are usually the ones working for the government and the employed group receiving their monthly payments from the government and they're in neither the position to do money laundry nor in a position of financial independence from the government like the wealthy groups. So their salary stays the same while the prices sky rocket . and the majority of people by definition are middle class so basically the majority of people do suffer . 

But there are always people who can joke about absolutely anything. 

One other thing I heard in tv today made me cry . in the Iran-Iraq war 40 years ago a pilot gets captured in Iraq . this pilot had had 50 flights since the start of war and in one month to the Iraq soil and has been so successful in defeating the enemy that there were news about it all over, at the time . so after he gets captured as soon as they realize who he is, they don't show any mercy and kill him in a terrifying way. They tie his hands to two cars and start pulling him in two different directions until he gets torn into two halves. 

Personally I can't imagine how it's possible to get torn in half . I just can't wrap my head around how that would happen cause the bones are there , the skull is a major obstical , it just seems so weird to be true . 

And off course the Iraq government hadn't talked about that and the way his wife got to know what had happened was through some other soldiers who were also captured and had seen that incidence with their eyes and when they come back they report the story and his wife gets that news after 22 years of waiting for his husband to come home. That's hard to go through.

I am used to it now. To see and realize this amount of suffering happening all over the world but not caring anymore. I really worked on myself a lot to convince myself that my caring doesn't change anything when I'm in no position do to sth about it other than to depress myself. So I don't care anymore although I realize tremendous amount of suffering the majority of people are going through all across the world .

This one guy really helped me in that. I got to know him in this forum and he has been involved even in Isis and was forced to join them and generally a whole bunch of other hardships in all the scopes of his life but now through that he had gained so much growth that no one in this community would believe and although he himself had gone through a lot he said that there's no point in worrying about the suffering of others cause suffering happens for everyone only in different shapes and forms which is the reason that grows them so its rather a beneficial factor. 

Wrote a lot this time. I'd better go now. 

[sarapr]

I hadn't watched the full documentary when I wrote the previous post but now I have and a lot of cool possibilities keep coming up about the future world.

Now people are working on the communication of objects together . first there was the connection of people through Internet now the connection of objects . if that fully happens , it already has happened but not fully, the potential capabilities that comes with it are grave beyond imagination. Off course nothing can be left unimagined but just for the sake of being dramatic here, haha.

It can be huge in many different facets including the methods of war that will come up in the future. It would be chaotic if done too rapidly without boundaries put in place. 

There was one part of the documentary where one of them said the youth will see this and they will react and I was already thinking about how I could go about doing that stuff. Haha. But I realized it was done already so I gave up the attempt .

 Let's think about the future of technology . wow if the objects get connected together and the network of communicating objects were fully formed then objects would feel like other humans we can talk to and would totally feel like having our objects as workers in a more efficient way we do today. Except if those objects malfunctioned in an ingenious way, there would be no way to stop it , the whole world would be taken out of the hands of humans .

The thing is that with a network of objects we could be potentially creating a brain. Just like the neurons coming together and being able to talk to other neurons can create such a powerful thing called the brain, objects no different than the neurons coming together can form an intellect of their own . and from there on I don't want to imagine further but it's totally possible.

Now with what Leo says about brains not existing well you can't deny that the evolution worked so hard to form those connection to create a brain and to allow us reach this state of awareness cause the ants obviously don't got what we got so there is definitely sth at play when huge amounts of connections are made and possibilities open up. Other than that we don't need to go far really , we can already see how the interconnectedness of objects can create powerful impacts that you might initially think well how can a movement of electron possibly impact a life being taken or an explosion happening and releasing radioactive stuff that then would impact earth in unknown ways which then could impact rays emitted from the earth impacting the galaxy and so on and so forth . off course that's not intelligence being created but it shows the possibilities that could come from that if it were done on a larger scale.

Well speaking of intelligence I might as well ask myself what it actually is .

The Wikipedia says : It(intelligence) can be more generally described as the ability to perceive or infer information, and to retain it as knowledge to be applied towards adaptive behaviors within an environment or context.

Isn't that exactly what computers and programs do!?!!

No debates, they are intelligent .  actually right now programs can apply their intelligence only in limited ways just like other animals which have intelligence but apply it in limited ways but if their plain were to be expanded and they were to be written in more sophisticated ways and they were allowed more connections, they would operate just like humans do . at least I can tell you this, that what we are made out of , objects are made out of that too so whatever abilities we can have through certain wirings that we have, objects can have that too . 

To me it looks like a closed case for now. Maybe I'll revisti that view in the light of new experiences .

Edited June 4, 2018 by sarapr

[sarapr]

Hey

I feel all sorts of intense emotions right now.

In my stomach, my chest, I am breathing hard as well.

I did a very very stupid thing yesterday.

I mean why on earth would anyone do that!?!!? Ahhhh

It was fun at the moment . really fueled my desire for excitement but now I feel sick about it.

That's the problem with wanting too much excitement. It's always followed by regret.

Fuck

God .

By the way, I don't like Leo anymore. He totally sounds he's lost it. From this point forward I can't trust him anymore. I mean I never should have anyways. Specially with spirituality, you should never trust anyone. It's simply too personalized for different individuals. What he says is good for him only. Generally speaking most spiritual masters didn't have teachers. They were self oriented . well Buddha had teachers but you could say he wasn't as influential as the so called prophets . either way at least with Leo I won't follow his advice in spirituality . all he knows is from drugs. He's generally not the spiritual type but more the intellectual type, good with philosophy . whatever type he is I don't trust him anymore. 

He changes his opinions all the time. That right there tells me I shouldn't take his word . he himself also says we shouldn't take his word on things, so.

 

Whatever

 

I knew writing would make me feel better. All the tense feelings are gone.

[sarapr]

I realized recently that dreams sometimes do have a meaning related to real world happenings and people. Once I had the most awkward dream ever and the strange thing about it was the life like texture of the face of a girl I saw in the dream; it was sth totally different. That day sth relating to that kid I saw in my dream did happen and I took the hint and acted as I was supposed to. Obviously I didn't take myself that seriously until lately when someone in TV said she had also dreamt about a girl with very specific facial features so when she wakes up, she goes looking for that girl in the orphanage and they tell her that they do have a girl with those features but she's been transported to another city for a surgery. Eventually she finds her and raises her and I saw her too in TV . that made me realize that my previous dream about that kid might have not been pure accident after all .

The dreams with some meaning to them are stunningly different from the normal ones. There's just sth off with the whole thing.

Latly I've been having dreams in which I go to the same place each time . a dangerous place .  

[sarapr]

Heey

I feel so spiritual 

I was listening to Teal Swan talking about periods and it made me feel so much better about the whole process which I would normally moan about .

I do believe that there is enormous power inside us which can go totally uncovered even for an entire life time if we don't choose to harness it.

I told you PMS helps me with uncovering my deep psychological issues and dealing with them. Turns out wasn't the only one who knew of its healing powers. The ancient people were much more aware of their inner workings .

But when it comes to women being naturally more tuned in with the universe and being more spiritual , the question always comes up that why then there have been so few female heroes in the history doing great stuff and that always seems to be indicating that women might not be as great as id like to think but maybe it's not that simple maybe the reason women don't choose to go out and save the world so to speak is because they know better to want to interfere with inner wisdom of the universe . that to me sounds like a legit explanation cause look at what happenes each time someone tries to change the world, it always backfires for example : the prophets ruining everything for years to come, tech industries and people like Steve jobs and zuckerberg, the kings and leaders of the past, all those people set out to so sth great but it ended up bringing more suffering for people oh and I forgot about Einstein's discovery which led to the creation of nuclear weapons. As you can see women have been wiser for not trying to mess with the world. And also everyone knows women were never the ones starting wars and doing all that bloodshed in the history of mankind.

Anyway just this change of attitude towards my periods feels great already. Not feeling ashemed of going through periods is such an up lifter. Embracing my inner cycle and letting the emotions percolate through me .

Teal swan said to celebrate your periods and actually my mother and I always congratulate each other for that every month. Haha

I'm thinking if I could someday set aside some time to go to nature and live totally naturally for ten days and see the difference in my well being , it would be great. I'll defiantly plan for such a thing .

Okay that's it for now. 

[sarapr]

This guy the other day said that he's not really afraid of anything or afraid of dying and one reason was that he thought that the world was no longer worthy of living with all this nonsense going on and it clicked in me very well.

When you have to work so hard only to get to the basics, it should get you thinking that this world might not be that worthy after all .

You know? It's so right. This world is nothing but a sick game. Not that important. Yet people go around acting as if shit mattered. It fucking doesn't. It's funny how humans can fool themselves so much to keep on reproducing and bringing new humans into life all the while none of them knowing what the fuck is going on, why should they even be here and just blindly, with total ignorance keep on living for years and years and thinking that any shit that they have is of some sort of value and get themselves lost in it and occupy themselves with that so much that by the time they're on their death bed, they are gonna be wondering what the hell did I do in my life? Nothing, it all passed so fast, I hadn't begun living yet. Then to fool themselves even more, they start counting all the "important" stuff they did and still wondering why they can't feel the joy of it.

Really sad. The worst part though is that this cycle repeats itself again and again. Everyone falling in the same trap.

So fucking stupid.

Well right now I do feel a bit down. Feel like the Sky's crushing me underneath itself.

Yup I feel hopeless right now. Fucked up. 

One of my childhood and teenage fantasies has always been to be a homeless person living under a bridge. Haha. I find that very comforting and liberating for some reason. Cause then I wouldn't have to worry about nothing. I could just get into this victim mode and be sad all they long. Haha. I like the idea of it. Kinda bizarre I suppose.

[Solace]

They are innocent Sara. People are always doing their best, if they could do better they would  But everyday these people are evolving and expanding. From us, they learn about a more spiritual inward focused life; and from their experiences they learn how much they are suffering to inspire them to seek out the help, support and love that the past never gave them. And when they do, we’ll be there with open arms, not judging them for suffering, but giving them the love they always deserved.

May you be blessed with love for just existing Sara. I appreciate how honest you are. And I love reading your journal! 

Edited June 18, 2018 by Solace

[sarapr]

10 minutes ago, Solace said:

They are innocent Sara. People are always doing their best, if they could do better they would  But everyday these people are evolving and expanding. From us, they learn about a more spiritual inward focused life; and from their experiences they learn how much they are suffering to inspire them to seek out the help, support and love that the past never gave them. And when they do, we’ll be there with open arms, not judging them for suffering, but giving them the love they always deserved.

May you be blessed with love for just existing Sara. I appreciate how honest you are. And I love reading your journal! 

I don't even know who "they" are. It's just a way for me to express my ideas. Not actually talking about any particular group. Actually it's a representation of the truth of my own hidden motives and mindsets.

And thanks 

[sarapr]

I wanted to take this course in DNA sequencing in edx but I couldn't because of the sanctions on Iran so that made me want to take the course even more. By using a VPN you can do that easily so that the edx website wouldn't recognize you as someone living in Iran. Now the irony of all that is that Iran's government censors a lot of websites but US government created vpns so that Iran's people would be able to view their material regardless. The vpns can also be blocked but the US government goes out of its way to keep changing the servers so that we could use the vpns. And it's totally ironical for them to create a tool to be used against themselves. Funny ha 

[sarapr]

I recently realized sth. Men really can't help themselves to not think of women as merely a sex toy. It would be hard to understand why men have treated women the way they have for thousands of years if you look at the situation from a woman's point of view. I mean I even view objects as humans who deserve love but it's clearly not the case with men. They view everything as tools to be used up until they're obsolete and move on to the next thing. Maybe it's not a manly thing but more of a spiral dynamics thing. I'm not sure. But now I can at least start to see how different two people can be. 

If I viewed people the same way as men typically do, then it would be totally understandable to treat people that way without having a problem with it.

In the past I would normally assume that everyone thinks like me so then I would often be shocked to see people doing certain things and be left baffled for days thinking how could someone ever do such a thing.

Recently I had this dream two nights in a row about how my mother was self sacrificing to help my brother with a project he had. It was like my brother was using my mom as a tool in his machine and my mom willingly and lovingly doing that while in the process she would literally die ( in the dream she was actually mutating and would turn into sth unknown) and I was there shouting at the top of my lungs telling my mom to get out of there, he's fucking using you but I wasn't being heard. 

That one was a horrifying dream which I had two times.

That dream was a symbolic dream not a literal dream depicting my brother's behaviour towards my mom, he'd never do such a thing as to even say sth which would make my mom sad.

I guess that's how I feel subconsciously about the general situation I'm in. Feeling I'm being used. And feeling the same way for a lot of other people who live or have lived in the past, like slaves and such. I feel deep compassion for slaves who lived their entire life times as tools.

I have an extremely sensitive soul, I've had a lot of nights crying because I knew there are people who are suffering now. I've tried real hard to stop being sensitive to that degree and I don't think I'm that sensitive anymore. I have even developed a hard skin for the pain of other's. Now I only worry about my own pain as I know that's the only pain I can actually do sth about. 

I don't really know what has caused me to be this way, I don't remember myself going through some sort of trauma in the past. Oh I remember some things, even when I was little I had these sorts of ideas like my prayer to god would be that I don't care what happens in my life, you just make sure every other person is living happingly, that's the only thing I want from you.

Now it makes me think that whatever's happened to cause that mentality must be from the times I can't clearly remember, so I'll never know the cause!?!! 

You know? There are a lot of tendencies that I have today and when I trace them back, it always ends with me having had that tendency since I was little, like younger than 6 years old. And I never find sth like an event or sth someone has said to trigger that tendency. My trace back always ends with a question mark .

I have a terrible memory I forget the things I've gone through extremely easily. I don't remember anything pass the age of 4 or 5 , it's totally shocking to me. I could possibly have gone through a horrible ordeal that has wiped out all my memory clean. Haha. Who knows, I obviously don't.

Maybe childhood cartoons or interactions with kindergarten kids has had some influences. That can actually be the case cause my patents say there sent me to kindergarten from a very early age cause both of them worked and couldn't keep me. Whatever it is it must be due to kindergarten experience . I wish I could remember exactly what's happened so maybe I could reverse some bad influences it might have had. 

I feel like sherlock Holmes digging my past this way.haha

But it's worth the time I think, to know what has happened to shape my psychology this way.

I wrote so much that no one would probably read any of that so no one would really know of my crazy subconscious issues . I could actually not submit this one cause it would reveal too much about me but since I reasoned no one would read it, there's no problem. 

[Solace]

Hey, I have that too with my memory. I only remember some things, and those are quite superficial. That’s okay, you can resolve everything in the present with acceptance that everything is one with pure love  

You are a gentle soul. 

[sarapr]

2 minutes ago, Solace said:

Hey, I have that too with my memory. I only remember some things, and those are quite superficial. That’s okay, you can resolve everything in the present with acceptance that everything is one with pure love  

You are a gentle soul. 

Good advice 

[Solace]

The really beautiful thing about reality is that whatever you see, hear, feel or think is pure love whether we beleive it or not. The goal of life is to embody that reality  Even fear, or aggression is just a different color on the rainbow of God. How can anything be other than God then?

Lots of love.