Insights and Ramblings: My Path to Enlightenment

[ZenBlue]

I have decided to start this journal to record some of the insights I gain over time, and any sort of progress I make on my path to Enlightenment.

1/21/18 Sunday 

Last night before I fell asleep I had a profound realization. It's something that Leo had discussed before in a video, but I didn't get it on a deep level until last night. I was starting to become aware of the constant turmoil inside of me. This constant gnawing angst. I kept thinking what is this feeling? Why do I constantly try to distract myself with things throughout the day? Everyday I try to find ways to distract myself. What am I trying to avoid?

Then it suddenly hit me, I'm suffering on the inside. I'm not actually happy at all. It doesn't matter how pleasant my life feels on the outside because on the inside I'm never happy. This is what all the outside distractions are about. This must be what Enlightenment is about. It's about attaining a true sense of happiness.

This is the state most of humanity is in. Almost everyone in the world is in this constant turmoil. Anyone who is not Enlightened is suffering on the inside. That's why people are constantly looking for ways to pass the time. The distractions are about trying to forget that we are suffering. Most of the world is in this state of madness. It's absolute insanity that runs our societies.

Boredom is a made up concept. People despise being bored. Boredom is actually just a label made up to trick you. It's a trap that tricks you into thinking it's something that happens when you don't get enough stimulation. But when you really break it down you start to wonder, why do you even need any more stimulation other than just being alive? 

The truth is, what we call boredom is actually just awareness of our suffering. The suffering we constantly try to run away from with outside distractions to stimulate us.

The only way to end this suffering is to either die or become Enlightened. Everything else is just a distraction that might make you feel pleasant for a brief moment.

[ZenBlue]

1/24/18 Wednesday

What if suicidal people are on the right path, but they misunderstood their longing to die? I've been thinking maybe someone who is suicidal longs to die, but it is not in the physical sense of actually killing themselves. Maybe it is really the ego death that they long for. I'm not suicidal, it's just that I have been realizing that we all have our own different ways of constantly being reminded of what we really need to do.

I remember from an early age there were some moments where I felt the deep pain in my heart. In this pain was a longing to disappear. To simply vanish without a trace that I ever existed. I wanted it to be this way because I didn't want anyone who loved me to suffer from my disappearance. I completely forgot about these thoughts I used to have, then suddenly I have started to remember these moments.

Now I have come to understand that I can fulfill that deep longing I had when I was a child. I can actually disappear completely from this world while I am here, and no one would even know it. No one would miss a single thing. By becoming enlightened, I can actually dissolve my entire self and completely cease to exist, while still retaining the physical body that society thinks is me. I used to think that this would be impossible. Maybe that's why I repressed it and completely forgot about it. Now there is a possibility for it to happen. What a beautiful realization.

Edited January 25, 2018 by ZenBlue

[ZenBlue]

1/28/18 Sunday

Today I revisited Leo's video on Making Sense of Paranormal Phenomena. The reason why is because I just recently stumbled onto Paramahamsa Nithyananda's content and the content of his followers. His followers talk a lot about the third eye, powers, and aliens and such. 

My first reaction was to dismiss it all as bullshit. I thought wow these followers seem so deluded and must be completely bull shitting everyone to try to recruit more people into their group. Then I remembered Leo's video about the paranormal phenomena and decided to re-watch it.

Through this, I was able to ground myself and let go of my past egoic judgements. Now I realized I don't actually know if what they say is true or not. It could be bs, but there could also be some truth there. The point is I am very open minded about it, and realize I don't know anything at all.

This brings me to say I have come a long way with developing a more radically open mind. I'm naturally very logical and rational minded. I'm a technical minded person and that means looking at things as having logical paths to follow. I'm very good with things that require technical abilities such as computers, and new technology, etc... so I see this as an enormous breakthrough for me.

I still have a long way to go, but I am making progress on my path on a continuous basis. I don't know how long it will be till I can have deep Enlightenment experiences, but I am now fully committed to making it happen.

[ZenBlue]

1/31/18 Wednesday

I'm starting to realize more deeply that everything is bullshit. It's all bullshit. Is there even an absolute truth? I don't know, but I need to keep exploring.

I start to see more clearly what Leo meant in one of his videos when he mentioned himself that it was all bullshit. What he gives us is more solid bullshit so we aren't drowning anymore in the sea of lower consciousness bullshit.

It's inevitable that everything we do all leads to bullshit. Nothing is real so of course there is no other way.

I have been listening to talks from Osho and Sadhguru as well. They have both also mentioned in one of their videos that what they were doing was all bullshit as well. Really they are using the bullshit to lead us down somewhere further. Something about the silent moments.

When I say it's all bullshit I am not being cynical or negative in any way. I am simply just stating what I currently perceive to be true.

[ZenBlue]

2/2/18 Friday

Am I a who or a what? Lately I am spending more time contemplating on "who am I" and sometimes I switch it to "what am I"

If I am consciousness then what is consciousness? If I am energy, then what is energy?

I still don't know who I am.

Also I have been realizing that life itself is the greatest thing that could ever happen. Most people are focused on becoming something great or leaving some great legacy. I used to be caught up in that state of mind, but now I realize that life itself is the greatest thing. Nothing could be greater than life itself. Nothing. Anything that is created by people pales in comparison to the greatness of life. Yet people continue to delude themselves into thinking they are doing such great things in the world. The greatest thing is to simply live.

I am constantly dancing on the border of optimism and pessimism on the meaninglessness of life.

[ZenBlue]

2/19/18 Monday

I have been struggling with what is called the dark night of the soul. It started a while back, and I guess I was subconsciously trying to fight it. When it first began I had just started a successful ecom business. I reached a point that was huge for me personally. It was the best results I had gotten so far with a business endeavor. I hit over $100,000 in sales within 6 months of being in business. I quit my job to pursue this business full-time.

As I started diving deeper into spirituality I didn't see that my business was worth fighting for. It felt hollow and empty. I know it was because I realized this just fed into the low consciousness consumerism culture. So when I came up against challenges as any business always does, I didn't really have any fight left in me. I just let it drag and my sales went lower and lower, until I just decided to stop running it altogether. 

I stopped to re-structure my business plans and decided to start a digital marketing business instead. I took a big risk and paid a lot of money to learn specific methods and strategies for generating high quality leads and sales for offering a high ticket service. I had foolishly thought this was the sign I was looking for. I wanted to start this business when I was offering my friend some advice around it and really enjoyed talking about the marketing aspect. I was considering getting a job at an agency to learn the ropes for a few years, but then I came across an opportunity that sounded like exactly what I was looking for. So I took a big risk and went after it.

I learned a lot about myself and what my limitations are through this process. I realized my timing and lack of resources was horrible to make this transition. I took a break from everything for a month. I just shut down for a whole month starting from January this year and just recently started to go out again. I didn't go outside much. I stayed home all day and didn't really talk to anyone except for my girlfriend.

I went back to some old patterns of lower consciousness. I had set a goal to stop smoking weed for an entire year. I had just hit the 6 month mark, but when there was weed right in front of me I just caved. In a moment of weakness I just started smoking weed again. I think subconsciously I am trying to find some relief from the darkness. In the past I would have beat myself up over it, but this time I just embraced it. I am okay with making mistakes and not being perfect. Rather than criticize myself, I just want to allow it to happen.

Now when I am high, I am more aware of how it lowers my consciousness levels. I am more aware of how my brain gets dulled, but yet it does give me a sense of euphoria. It does in a sense lift some of the heaviness away and brings some lightness into my heart. Overall though, I know I must eventually move beyond this in order to continue expanding my consciousness.

I'm still going through the dark night of the soul. Eventually I will have moments of clarity when I break out of this.

Edited February 19, 2018 by ZenBlue

[ZenBlue]

10/2/18 Tuesday

Wow, I didn't realize almost 8 months have passed since I last updated this thread.

Honestly the past 8 months are quite a blur. I must have been really unconscious because I can hardly remember most days.

Here are some of the major points that happened:

- I went to Isha Inner Engineering held by Sadhguru. It was a 2 day program where we learned a specific meditation / yoga technique called Shambhavi Mahamudra Kriya.

- The program was in late April and since then I have been practicing this technique daily. Part of the commitment is to practice it daily for at least 8 months straight.

- I spent a lot of time just indulging in frivolous activities. This is the main way I regulate my emotions. It seems I like to distract myself with movies, and games a lot.

- I realized I really lack self-discipline. 

- I have been feeling lost for the past year. This is the first time in my life I have ever felt this lost. Before, I always felt so sure of where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do.

- I went through part of the life purpose course, but currently I have not completed it. I must have some deep mental blocks around this. This is something I need to work through.

I didn't achieve as much growth and progress as I would have liked. The main reason is because I was still smoking weed these past 8 months. This is currently one of my big challenges. I've made attempts to quit before, but ended up going back. I am going to start another long break from it, although I haven't decided how long yet.

I have currently joined a private Facebook group that is about completing a 21 day challenge. Although I am individually responsible for completing the challenges, it is interesting to see a lot of people participating in this together as a group.

I'm excited to go through this challenge and see if it has any lasting impact in my life.

Edited October 3, 2018 by ZenBlue

[ZenBlue]

10/3/18 Wednesday

I still wonder what all of life really is about. Is it just for the sheer joy of living life? What is it that we are working towards? 

I love and hate people at the same time. Deep down I suppose that means I love and hate myself at the same time. The key is to balance the love and hate constantly adjusting as needed. It's not easy though.

It's all two sides of the same coin.

[ZenBlue]

2/19/2020 Wednesday

I have been diving deeper and deeper into spirituality on my path to enlightenment. I find myself feeling more lost and confused than ever before.

The current idea I am playing with:

The universe is all a dream inside of God's mind. God had an absurd thought in which it thought, what would happen if it created a being separate from itself, which had the ability to think independently of God. The ego is the result of that thought. In God's mind that thought came and went and was over in an instant. The ego however now free to think independently from God has a mind of it's own and went off to hide from God.

The ego then created the current universe we live in. This universe is the ego's way of trying to separate itself from God. This is a futile attempt because the ego is inside God's mind just as we are inside the ego's mind. To become awake is to become fully aware of this illusion and to realize we have been God all along, just pretending that we were something separate from God.

At this point, this is just an idea that I'm entertaining. I haven't had profound awakening experiences yet. I would say I have had shallow awakening experiences, but I have not reached the depths that bring me close enough to enlightenment.

I still feel the sense of, what is the point of all of this? If the universe is all a dream, and I am the dreamer, then can't I just change the dream at will? It still feels like I'm trapped and limited to this false reality. Is it even possible to break free? Is there even anything that we can call absolute Truth?

[ZenBlue]

2/20/2020 Thursday

3 years ago, I wrote down as a goal to be a multimillionaire by today. It's ironic and amusing because I'm nowhere closer to being a millionaire financially, yet today I feel like the wealthiest person in the world. I am wealthy because I am absolutely happy and so grateful to be alive. Even if life is an illusion, I am grateful to enjoy this illusion. Today I spent some time meditating outdoors in a park. It's interesting to observe the world around you when you sit in stillness.

God is the original trickster. The prankster who laughs at the world and doesn't take anything too seriously. God imagined us as a joke. It was a thought merely to amuse itself. All of this just evolved on its own. Never would God have imagined what this would become. Yes, God has a dark sense of humor. And if you really think about it, it's fucking hilarious. The funniest joke in the world. Our life is a joke, yet we created an entire narrative about the purpose of our existence when it was merely just a fleeting thought. A joke to amuse God. The ego doesn't want to accept that. The ego will do anything and everything to prove that its life is significant. That its life has meaning. God is infinite. That means opposites must exist. Life is both meaningful and meaningless at the same time. The meaning is all relative.

Also, I've been thinking about what it means to have love. People use their own biased perspectives based on their egos to define love. If love is God, and God is infinite, then love isn't something that can be limited and defined to anything. Love isn't only an expression of kindness and sweetness. Love isn't all hearts, rainbows, and butterflies. Love is infinite. 

Ever heard of tough love? Yes, love can express itself as anger, violence, and intense hatred. That is all part of love. Sometimes the only way to get a point across and to teach a lesson is through a harsh expression of reality. The problem is that the ego has judged anything outside of the touchy feely mush as not being love. The ego has limited love to a very small and narrow definition. The best way to really learn how to love is to judge less, and forgive more.

I love my shadow self and the darkness that lies within. I will use it when it suits me as a tool to enhance and enrich my life. I will not judge myself harshly as the ego tends to do. I love myself fully no matter what. All of the emotions are available at my disposal to use freely at my whim. I let my intuition guide me as to which emotion is appropriate in the given moment. When the moment is over, the emotion is released, and life carries on. That is where true freedom lies. The only thing that exists is this moment. And this moment is eternal.

Edited February 21, 2020 by ZenBlue

[ZenBlue]

2/21/2020 Friday

Maybe because reality is illusory in nature, Truth can never be fully grasped. Maybe it will always be an unknown mystery. Maybe the only thing that can be called the Truth is this moment. I think as people, we are so obsessed with being certain. It's very difficult to embrace uncertainty because we fear the unknown. I'm working on being ok with not knowing. Not knowing anything at all really. The only thing I know is that I know nothing.

[ZenBlue]

2/24/2020 Monday

Life is meaningless, but that doesn't have to be a negative realization. What you get out of life is a matter of perspective. From one perspective, a person can become cynical and say why even bother doing anything when it's all meaningless anyways. However, from another perspective this becomes a liberating and beautiful realization. Meaning is relative. Since life has no inherent meaning, that means you are free to live a life that you love. You are free to create your own meaning in life. 

What's the point of life? Simply for the love and beauty of it. Life is a series of experiences, which becomes deeply profound and beautiful when it's all combined together. Life is contradictory as well. It is both meaningless and meaningful at the same time.

I like to think of it as playing a game. Why do people play video games or sports like basketball for instance? There really isn't a point to any of it. People do it because they love it. That is the same when it comes to the whole of life. We are here simply because to be alive is a wonderful and miraculous thing.

My purpose in life is to discover what I absolutely love doing, and do more of that. I have so many things I want to experience and try and I have not even done a fraction of it yet. There is so much left for me to experience and discover. In that sense, I am living out my life purpose every single day.

[ZenBlue]

2/26/2020 Wednesday

The hollow empty feeling inside will never go away. The void can't be filled with material goods, temporary pleasure, or whatever else you use to distract yourself. Life is an illusion, so it can only be empty. The emptiness is something to be embraced, not avoided.

Life is an absolute contradiction. Life is an impossible phenomena, yet here we are. From that core, everything else then becomes a contradiction. This is why life is filled with contradictions and opposite forces. Opposing forces must exist and are co-dependent. One cannot exist without the other. Love cannot exist without hate. Light cannot exist without dark.

As people, sometimes we become delusional in thinking that we need no one, but ourselves. As human beings, we are very limited, and we are also designed to be social creatures. We literally cannot survive without other human beings. I fear, we are moving more towards leaning heavily on machines and are moving away from humanity. I wonder, maybe movies like terminator, and the matrix aren't so outlandish after all...

Lately I have had a lot of monkey chatter in my mind. It becomes difficult for me to concentrate and focus on anything for long periods of time. I think I will try writing a daily journal to help ground my mind, as meditation doesn't seem to be enough. I have been experimenting with different types of meditation. I have tried walking meditation, audio guided meditations, sitting outside and just observing everything around me, and more. For me, I have found sitting in stillness with my eyes closed for the entire meditation session has been the most effective. I'm sure it's different for everyone and in order to find what works best for you, you must experiment and try different things.

[ZenBlue]

2/29/2020 Saturday

I have been experiencing an interesting phenomenon. When I stare at the walls or focus on a space while relaxing my eyes, I enter into a bit of a trance. When I'm in this trance state the space that I'm looking at starts to move and distort. It's kind of like the visual effects a person would get on psychedelics. Except I'm completely sober when I do this. I can experience this now anytime I put myself into that that trance state. It almost feels like the fabric of reality is unraveling. Maybe I am getting closer to seeing beyond the illusion.

It's hard to explain how I get in this trance state. I empty my mind and stare while relaxing my eyes. It's like those magic eye books. When you stare at any space in the same way your mind is able to go in a trance. If you hold that trance for a few minutes you can see the walls and objects start to move and warp.

[ZenBlue]

3/1/2020 Sunday

I have been experiencing a lot of ego backlash. I am slipping back into the realms of unconsciousness. I have been watching low consciousness media such as movies, shows, and random video clips online. I also engage in a lot of negative patterns of behaviors like eating junk food, and not putting in the work to build my business. I'm not judging myself for these self-destructive patterns, instead I'm observing and questioning as to why I keep doing these things.

I have been contemplating the idea of free will. The idea around it is that free will is an illusion and we don't really have any free will. I don't even really know what it means to have free will. If I don't have free will, then what is really going on behind all of life? It seems I may not have free will, but I have the ability to choose the between the options that are presented to me.

Maybe just like a video game, everything is already programmed and limited to certain options in what we can do. As the player, I can choose to play the game how I want, but I am restricted to the limitations set in the game. In that sense, maybe we have some level of free will, but are bound within the limitations of this physical world.

I understand that the self isn't real. I am consciousness using this human body to have human experiences. But what is consciousness?

[zeroISinfinity]

Conciousness is literally Love. Love

Body is Conciousness too. 

You are not self you are ❤️. You are all that is. 

Edited March 2, 2020 by zeroISinfinity

[ZenBlue]

5 hours ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Conciousness is literally Love. Love

Body is Conciousness too. 

You are not self you are ❤️. You are all that is. 

Yes, but what is love?

[Raptorsin7]

@ZenBlue You.

[zeroISinfinity]

Just now, ZenBlue said:

Yes, but what is love?

Love is Everything. 

Actual Love is what THIS is. It's you. 

Do self inquiry not by thinking sit still and feel just feel. Pure sensations. 

[ZenBlue]

3/2/2020 Monday

Tuning into higher vibrations. We can't control the thoughts that come to us, but we can choose what we focus on and what we want to tune in to. It's like dialing into a radio station. You need to dial to the right frequency if you want to listen to a specific radio station. If you want more positive thoughts raise your vibrations so that you can receive more positive thoughts on a frequent basis. Learn to let go of the negative thoughts that do no serve your higher self.