Feeling triggered

[h inandout]

$20,000 in debt. 29, and have never really rooted myself in any job for more than a year.  I would like to continue studying Ayurveda and massage therapy.  I just signed up to be an online ESL teacher with VIPKID, and have to wake up at 1am to teach kids in Beijing English.  Pay is $20/hr, so if I live with my parents, I could have my debt paid down in 1 year.  But am I really passionate about it?  And can I remain conscious enough to remain at peace with my TV-caffeine-meat-addicted-and-emotionally-dissmisive family for a whole year?  If I go on to do more studying, will I be guilt tripping myself for, again, asking my Dad for more money, epecially since he is aging rapidly?  

I have to finish my beginner Ayurved course in January-Febuary, but don't really have the money to survive California for even that long.  I think I need to advocate that I should be allowed to at least borrow enough money to finish the course.  And then I can come back and be an online ESL teacher until my debt starts disappearing (or I go bananas).  I can just feel so much potential for self-sabotage in my dreams and in my financial life.  Why can't I just commit to the job that pays well (and is genuinely fun!).  The shadow reason why I am studying Ayurveda in the first place is because it helps me to understand the resistance and ignorance of Americans, which is what I really wanna escape.  My shadow desire here is to just, for fucking once, have my mom actually engage me lovingly and supportively.  I work so hard to elevate my consciousness, but she's the type of person who kind of despises self-helpers for their mightier-than-thou attitudes.  I just want to remain as present with my parents as possible for them to see that I am not a threat, but a boon, but I also don't want to fall in to a rage with them ever again.

Edited January 4, 2018 by h inandout

[h inandout]

I feel like I kind of want to be a version of Deepak Chropra, and just pops all kinds of holes in naive materialistic thinking, but gear it towards my parents and their generation, but do I really wanna be arguing with baby boomers for the rest of my life?  Can I channel my frustrations for babyboomers into creating space for my own generation to flourish?  Or do I wanna actually contribute something more tangible and immediate, like, say language skills and teaching children (which has so many transferable skills!)?

[Spiral]

Well perhaps you could pay the debt in 10 years rather then 1 year. Live a little, make it less of a burden on you. You can also work and study at the same time.

It's fine if they watch TV, eat meat and so on. You don't have to just because they do it.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Spiral

[h inandout]

I guess I just get really triggered when my mom acts like I don't love her because I don't want the same lifestyle.  And I don't always wanna eat her cooking.  

Also my budget issues are really complex, so I will be sure to try to factor in sustainability when I review my budget again.  And then not guilt tripping myself for asking for help is key, so I just have to ride a very thin line between self-advocacy and self-reflecrion.

[Aquarius]

Life is too short for debates, arguing, fighting, and so on, and so on. You don't want to waste your time and energy with that.

Know what you want in life, do it, and cut out the toxic people. Chances are they'll never listen to you. People only hear what they are ready to hear. Plus you don't need anyone to validate anything for you. Know that you are on the right track. Just do your thing and let them do their thing.

Edited January 4, 2018 by Aquarius

[star ark]

You can do it

I wasted a lot of time, at 30 I thought I had missed the boat

Every year I knew what I had to do but then some flight of fancy would take me and I would do something dumb, fun, but dumb.

Then another year rolls by and I think not only have I missed the boat I'm too far behind to ever catch up.

But one day I did catch up and it was because I really applied myself. I was shocked to discover the world was still there and I had not missed much and my time away from the world taught me things most people never learn.