Privet

NOT DEAD YET!

191 posts in this topic

@Azote  Also I apologize for the way I have chosen to deliver my criticism to you. Even though I still consider it to be fair and constructive the way I told you this was just nuts considering your current situation.

I know exactly how much it hurts because I've gone through it at the precisely same age with the very similar circumstances and sorry, my bad, I didn't recognize that resentful sensitive me in you, I let my inner asshole to misbehave in the most inappropriate time.

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21 hours ago, Privet said:

The goals are:

  • Nofap
  • Diet
  • Sleep schedule
  • Meditation (in the morning - important)
  • Smoking
  • Procrastination
  • Diligent tracking/journaling/analyzing

I only did nofap and diet.

I tried to meditate but I only could handle 35 minutes laying in the bed and suffering badly.

I experience a lot of weird subtle nervous tics. Sometimes my fingers shake, sometimes I feel like I'm about to feel a seizure and energy all over my body flows towards my head. My third eye feels very tensed. I suppose this is what happens. It's just a more subtle version of what I experienced when I meditated more in winter.

I have slightly higher body temperature for over a week and I am not sure about the reason.

I spent most of the day in bed feeling like shit.

I don't know what to do, I just can't handle myself and don't know where to get help or is there even any help I can get. It doesn't feel like WOO ALL WORLD IS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE, I'm okay, but I just feel very weak, anytime I try to do anything I feel tense, especially in my head.

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Oh shit, Ralph Smart xD

Have been watching him every day until some weeks ago. Nope. That's too much woo woo, but thanks.

---------------

Hope you get well tho, with all this weird shit.

 

 


Truth killed the cat

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Posted (edited)

They called me and I get that tourist guide job, fuk yeh. I will be guiding people in the forests, mountains and caves.

I didn't meditate for several days and I feel like my reality is very surreal.

I'm still mostly bedridden and can't do shit.

Although I noticed an interesting thing: when I talk to people this shit passess a lot. I feel it's fun to talk to them because it's like you poke someone, they poke you back and you know, that flow of interaction, the infinite play of pokes. I guess that's because I have been alone in my cave too much. Looking forward to what the job will bring.

Edited by Privet

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@Privet this could be a life altering thing, am glad for you.

good luck with your new job.

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Posted (edited)

Well…

I underestimated how great the job will work to help me with nofap and other addictions.

I underestimated the amount of butthurt I have to go through to get back to society, but I guess I'm pretty much okay now. It was VERY difficult, I was pissed off again and again because of the various reasons, that I'm weird, that I'm afraid of people, sensitive, tired, care too much what people think of me, can't get up in time and so on.

One thing I noticed is that because I was away from people for a long time I became very sensitive because of that spiritual la-la land. Everyone are so nice here on this forum and in other places related to spirituality but when you go in real life noone is even aware of how they hurt you. Although at the same time people now seem a lot less evil since I became less evil myself and there's a lot more nice people than I might think. A good trick is that anytime you annoy anyone - congratulations, they have seen their own reflection in you. Don't take it seriously, sometimes what they have seen is only about them, not you. If you get annoyed by them or their freak out, well…

There is a single hottie here that was teaching me some job related stuff and she was so damn kind and loving to me during that, it was like an unintentional psychotherapy session, I just melted, hello good mother. But I guess I have zero chances for her attention as a women because she's way more independent than me.

I'm way better than at home but still fucked up, fireworks in life don't exist, not in the future, not after some achievement, not when you solve some problem, nowhere, you're ultimately fucked up. Ouch.

Edited by Privet

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I am completely back to society. Nothing new, people still suck and I'm bored as hell of them. There's so little people that I'm interested to talk to. Everyone thinks they know shit and then you find out that it's just a bunch of bullshit. Nobody knows that they suffer. They consider deep conversations lame and boring. They are confident and ignorant and I'm truthful and incofident. I was very careful about judgements and thought that I should be less judgemental and make sure it's not just my narcissism and projections. But judgement is empty. Truth is truth. If something sucks it sucks. And it doesn't. Ha.
I had a date with a girl and she really liked me but she lives in the another city. Fuck. Still wanna warm hugs so much.
I guess I have a goal - to cry in public and feel like myself, let them judge and not justify. I tried today because I felt like it but it's so fucking hard!
Another insight is that I'm too afraid to hurt women's feeling. I'm afraid that if I seduce a girl that is less conscious than me and our relationships won't last I will hurt her. And I don't know. From one side I will have sex and hugs sooner, but from another, am I gonna use her? Am I gonna regret? Is that her problem or my either? Is there safe conscious short term love with someone who is not very conscious? I suppose I need to do some trial and error and see what's true and what's not, it's tricky to say with so little experience.
Huuuuuugs. :(

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