Today is just maddening

[spicy_pickles]

Further to my post early this morning, I’m finding that today is a massive struggle and I’m allowing things to pester me that shouldn’t. 

My life for the past 7 years of this relationship have been a constant attempt to please and go out of my way. Up until recently I said to myself - “No. I will not devote every waking hour to entertaining his family and children when they are at our home every other weekend.  I will do whatever I please, without having to worry about the repercussions of them being angry at me or discarding me in favour of someone who will give them attention.”  Or - “If the kids don’t want to have anything to do with me, oh well. They are kids and their minds change all the time. It will give me more time to do what I feel like doing”. 

Now I’m stuck in the rut, the weened visit is approaching, and my anxiety grows. What if I’m discarded. What if I did really disappoint them when I decided to go and do something I wanted to do as opposed to hang around and cater to all of them. 

I shouldn’t care. In a normal relationship, I wouldn’t have even been put in this situation where I was expected to devote all my time and energy to everyone else but myself. But, here I am, working on fixing it (leaving); but still stuck for the time being. 

I should just say - “F it all. Let the kids be rude and take advantage of making a mess in my home. Let his relatives come and eat all our food and use our space. Let them ignore me and toss me aside. Who cares.”  I think the problem is I dislike my space being disrespected and I dislike being disrespected. I feel useless and worthless and taken advantage of. 

Leaving for the short time has been an option, but I have to come back home sooner or later. Furthermore, if I make a habit out of it, I get criticized by my partner for not loving his family enough to donate my free time to them. Not to mention the fact I’ll feel like a bad person for doing what I feel like doing, even though his family members enjoy spending time with me. For the past 7 years, I’ve honestly sucked it up just for the sake of meeting someone else’s needs and making someone else happy. 

Edited December 6, 2017 by spicy_pickles
Added

[spicy_pickles]

Realized this was posted in the wrong spot. Sorry!

[YaNanNallari]

Ego acts by hanging onto things or pushing things away. Try to find a balance

[Nahm]

@spicy_pickles I know it’s hard to see, but the kids are your master, you’re greatest teachers. They are showing you the work you can do, on yourself.  You could be a teacher for them to, paradoxically, you have to accept being a student. 

[krazzer]

@spicy_pickles do what you feel is right. If others disagree, continue, or, adapt, if it feels right to you. Even if every single human being on the planet disagrees with you, do what feels right.