spicy_pickles

I’ve got to make some big changes. On a regular basis I just waste time. I am angry and upset at things. I have trouble focusing. Im worried about what everyone else thinks of me. Today i will go to the library and pick up some good books to help me. I’ll also start meditating today as well. I’ll stop living in this fantasy world in my head and focus on being present and mindful. I’ll start working out regularly and maybe even throw in some at home yoga to help. I will reduce my social media usage and just use my phone for things that will help me (this site, self development, music, etc).

Single life has been going alright for me, but I feel like I hit a wall I really want to be alone all the time now. I don’t want to date yet, but I visualize this amazing relationship I will hope to have someday. I don’t want to go out and meet people either. I had a few old friends that I just don’t want to associate with anymore. They don’t really jive with me for whatever reason. Last night I went to a party and I did have fun, but ended up getting way too drunk for my own good, losing money out of my pocket and quite literally looked like a fool. Now I want to retreat from the world even more. I dont know how to explain it, but I just feel so lost, so empty, so anti social and so angry these days.

@see_on_see thank you. Your statement you made about my higher self reminding me of who I truly am is very profound. I feel as though I lost a lot of myself in the past 8-10 years. I’m slowly gaining that back.

I’ve absolutely f’n had it with many aspects of my life. Firstly, goodbye to people in my life who aren’t worth my time. Who use time with me to try and prop themselves up on pedestals. Who only give a fuck about me when they can try and one-up me, correct me or try and prove they are better. Goodbye. Goodbye to not taking better care of myself. Goodbye to not taking the time to prepare healthy meals. Goodbye to not consistently following a workout program. I’m tired of this lifestyle that can be easily changed.

Been quite attuned to this as of late. Here’s what I’m experiencing: 1. Friends. Posted about this the other day. Have fully realized which friendships are working for me and which ones are exhausting and not worth my time. Even if they served me well before, they just don’t work for me now. 2. Assertiveness. Was always weak in this category. I’m finding myself able to stick to my guns both professionally and personally. 3. Compassion and empathy. I feel for certain people. I can delineate between someone who truly is down and out and someone who is simply using me for this. 4. Loss of interest. Things (activities) I used to look forward to, I don’t care to do anymore. Oddly enough they usually involved bad habits such as drinking. 5. Drinking. I do not crave alcohol, I do not need alcohol. The old me threw down at least half a bottle of wine each night or at least enough booze to get me buzzed. Now, I couldn’t care less if I have it, although a nice cold beer on a hot day is always welcome. Only difference is I stop after one or two. 6. Sleep. I went through this odd phase where I was sleeping early, and waking up at certain times through the night (every night). It is starting to normalize a bit more now. 7. Confidence. Gaining this very slowly. Small, very small things that give my confidence a boost. Not being shy, not being embarrassed, living in the now. So far, that’s what I’ve been noticing.

It feels great, especially as an ex-people pleaser. First time in my life I actually listened to myself and recognized I don’t enjoy hanging out with this person anymore.

I realized something very profound the other day, and couldn’t quite put my finger on it until now. Certain existing friendships no longer serve me. Throughout this change of mine, transformation, I’ve made some new friends and developed stronger friendships with existing acquaintances. However, there were a few that I just didn’t have the energy or desire to maintain anymore. My theory was proven after going out for dinner with one old friend last week, and finding myself wanting to get it over as soon as I could. After, I needed time alone just to recharge myself. I shouldn’t feel ashamed or bad about this at all. It’s all apart of growth.

The feminine energy you speak of intrigues me. I say this because of many reasons. First off, I’m in a male-dominated field of work but can distinctly tell by observing other woman in the same field how they can either choose to use this energy or not. Some are very overpowering and feel the need to assert themselves, while others are kind and warm, yet have the ability to be assertive in a much different way. The other interesting point is observing friends and family that, from my point of view, are rather dominating and controlling. This is not the person I want to be, nor is it the type of relationship quality I want. It’s as if their partners look to them to make every decision for them, yet always disappoint them in the end by not living up to their end of the deal in relationships. I look at my past relationship, and I was with a man that needed a mother figure, not a wife. However, he did not want to treat his partner with respect, he wanted to cry and complain about how unfair life is, and have them swoop in to save the day (in addition to cooking, cleaning, parenting, providing sex, etc). I have a lot of work to do, however I think this is a great first step in discovering something about myself.

So, I’ve been struggling with this for years. I look at myself in pictures and think I look absolutely horrid. I see men I find attractive and believe they would go after a beautiful blonde as opposed to me. I am certain this has brought on much of the grief I’ve had in my life. My last relationship, I stayed with someone way too long that was abusive, and knowing deep down I could do SO much better. I compare myself with others. I’m not as social. I’m not as funny. I’m not as beautiful. It’s like I have this vision in my head where I see someone loving me for me, loving every bit of me. I just don’t see it possible though. I really don’t like myself, and I don’t know how to.

Thank you all, some very good information here! Shadow work intrigues me because I can totally see how it would help my situations. Going out of my comfort zone also seems like a great idea to try. There are a handful of people I can comfortably talk with. Seems like it’s a challenge for just about everyone else these days. Thanks again, going to give this a whirl.

I realized this today, fuck. While I dislike making excuses, I take full responsibility for this. I was the one in a long term relationship with an abusive narcissist. I was the one that let him destroy me, my confidence and everything else to the core. I allowed him to make me want to be secluded and alone. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around people now. I’m working on this. Sometimes I have an interaction with someone and think - wow, why did I say that? Do they think I’m a total idiot? Maybe the problem is I’ve been using visualization to improve. I see myself a certain way. Perhaps this isn’t the way to go. Maybe I shouldn’t see my “improved” version as outgoing, friendly, attractive, in shape, etc. Maybe that’s what’s making me falter now.

I’m happy to say I’ve been doing some major work on myself the last few months. Alcohol consumption is way down. I was using it as a coping mechanism. I barely touch it now. Lost about 8 lb. Can almost run for 3 miles. Started lifting weights as well. I can totally see and feel the changes in my body. Began taking care of myself a little more. Having more confidence and making myself look better. Pelted by a lot of negative comments. Smart ass comments. Snide remarks. Of course, all said in a joking manner. Makes me want to push even harder towards self development and improvement.

So about a month after I left a relationship with a partner who was a) emotionally and mentally abusive and b) certainly had some underlying issues, I am starting to feel like I have a new life. There’s still a lot of work I need to do, there’s still a lot of hurdles to overcome (he is persistent in trying to contact me/pester me/act childish and immature). I feel a sense of living my life as if it’s my ideal life. This has given me motivation to do so many things. For starters, I don’t feel the urge to go out and spend money on restaurants or bars just to escape the unhappiness of a relationship. I don’t even feel the urge to drink alcohol. I am taking incredibly good care of myself, exercising, etc. I’m living the life I want right now, as if I have it all. Someday I’ll have a great life partner as well. Definitely not ready for that right now, but I’m presenting myself as if I’ve got it all. Great body, great partner, great life.

Thanks The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. I’m trying hard to make small changes while I can. Just the smallest things that will help. Cutting out the booze. Hydrating more. Sleeping more. Actually for once taking care of myself. Ive got a long road of self improvement in front of me.

Well. Best said in song lyrics by Whitesnake - “here I go again on my own” I had the balls to end a toxic relationship last week. It was difficult and probably one of the hardest struggles I went through. Not because I was upset it was over, just because I was coming out of years and years of programming, manipulation and abuse. I walked away. I did it. I took my fucking life back. In just a short week, I’ve managed to find a place of my own. I’ve managed to accept the ups and downs during this time. I’ve managed to set boundaries and keep them enforced. I’ve done a lot. Tomorrow I start back at the gym. It’s been a whirlwind, but I know I’m going to get better each day.