I Can't Fucking Do This! I Don't Know How I'm Going To Get Myself Out!

[kieranperez]

I'm so fucking stuck right now... I don't know what to do nor know if I can do anything that will get me out of my situation that put's me in a positive direction. I feel so hopeless right now.

I'm living with my dad at 22 and little brother who is a junior in high school and my parents have been divorced for almost a year now because my mom's mental illness just got too out of hand we couldn't live with her anymore because she was hurting all of us. My dad now resents mental illness. He's convinced that I'm mentally ill with all the same problems as my mom and treats me just like her. Whenever I make mistakes or feel depressed or anything I'm told how I'm doing the same thing as her and how I need to look at my mom to make sure I don't turn out like her. I just can't argue with him because he's just not someone you can argue with and getting something out of it. I know it's not mental illness, even my psychiatrist says the same thing, but my dad resents my psychiatrist's word since my mom and I had the same one (until she stopped seeing him) because he see's it as how he didn't make my mom better so he doesn't know what he's talking about. So he pretty much is impossible to talk with. If I tell him what's going on with me he just uses rationalism and logic to explain what I'm doing is fucked up and how I need to be so disgusted with my way of living that that's how I need to motivate myself, even though I know that's completely unhealthy and neurotic. He's also my only source of income right now since I actually am working for him and don't have any other job opportunities besdies him for awhile. I'm working towards my real estate license and he's a broker and property manager that manages $100+ million in property here in SF, however, given our relationship and the way our dynamic has been going all these years, it's been 2 1/2 years and I still don't have my license because I'm just so unmotivated to do this and want to go into real estate with him. I'm so repelled from it. He pays for everything for me and everything so it's not like I can just say "fuck you I'm out," and still have a place to go, have a way to pay my bills, and have other job opportunities. I'm really in a corner because on paper in terms of resume, I only have 3 years of retail experience and that's it. I also have literally no money at all in my bank account. I'm trying to build intrinsic motivation to go into this with him so I can somehow make this work with real estate with him because that's the quickest way to me making good money and also the quickest way to get that money and move out and be independent. So I'm trapped. I also have to stay because my brother doesn't even have a car so I have to be the one that takes him everywhere and my dad has also said that if I leave he's not gonna pay for my basic bills. Again, I'm trapped. I don't fucking know what to do. This isn't fucking healthy for me but I don't know how to get myself out of this. Do I just manipulate my way out? I don't feel like I have options. 

Really could use some help because I don't know what to do... I feel so defeated that I don't spend my days having the motivation to pursue anything anymore because it's not like I can pursue my Life Purpose since, whenever I don't do my real estate I'm still made out and called out for just wasting my time and how I "live in Peter Pan Land and in a bubble." I have so much inner work that I can't do because of this dysfunction... Please help... :'(

[jjer94]

Sorry to hear all of that.

Here's what I think; take it or leave it.

First thing's first: you're in a heavily toxic environment. Get yourself out of there as soon as you can. Stay with friends, extended family, or go back into retail if need be in order to build funds for your escape. You won't be able to resolve your issues when you're being barraged on all sides. 

I know how it feels to be around someone you can't win an argument with. It's incredibly frustrating. Best to keep your distance and be respectful about it. If he tries to guilt you for your actions, realize that you're an adult and he can't stop you. You can deal with all of the conflicting emotions later when you're in a quieter environment.

1 hour ago, kieranperez said:

I'm trying to build intrinsic motivation

It doesn't work that way. The fact that you're "trying" to build motivation says that you don't want to do it. You don't want to do any of the shit that your dad does. In fact, you probably want nothing to do with him. You just don't want to admit it. Because on one end, he's family. On the other end, he's being an asshole. You resent him and love him at the same time, and you feel ashasmed for your resentment. Which leads to:

1 hour ago, kieranperez said:

So I'm trapped.

 

1 hour ago, kieranperez said:

I don't feel like I have options. 

Once you're out of there, resolve your victim/shame mentality, otherwise you will conjure up the same environment that you escaped from. That requires lots of inner work and self-acceptance. When I was in your position, what helped me personally was Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. However, it'll be difficult to follow through on all the exercises in your current environment. So again, just leave respectfully.

Best wishes to you. 

[Natasha]

@kieranperez Get out of the toxic environment, work on your psychology (codependency, cognitive dissonance, learned helplessness, lack of personal boundaries, developing healthy self-love, etc). Also, check out Richard Grannon's vids. Knowledge is power, get empowered! Hugs

 

[varkolaka122]

Dear Friend,

at first start body weight and breathing exercises. It doesnt cost money and it is not that long. That is abslutely fucking vital. Start meeting new people whenever you have time. Try to remember their names. For te moment you have no money so you need other recources and that is people. At some point you will know enough people that you will have a place to sleep and maybe some job offers. 

2. Start to remove everythong from your room. Be a minimalist. In that way you brain adjusts to the idea you have less and you can handle it if you loose a lot and are left with a little. Start selling the thing you posses. If you have a lot of cloths sell a lot of them. If you have tehcnology try to accomodate only the absolute necessity. Some shitty phone with whatsapp. It is easy for communications.

3. Do the wim Hof training. BE resistent to cold. It sounds crazy, but the biggets fear is landing on the street. If you know you can survive it. You will have less fear. 

3rd start with passive brain washing-listen to Leo before you go to bed. While you drive listen to mooji. Dont even try to follow what they say simply brainwash yourself. At some point you will see a diffrence in the way you see the world and you will see the opportunities.

4th that is optional. Ask your father how did he achieve success. Even ask him- FAther can you write me a resume of your success story. I would want to learn from you. This one is really tricky beacuse you are in a though emotional relationship with the father. I am not sure if it will work