Azote

Getting My Shit Handled

171 posts in this topic

Hi there! I am a girl, 20 years old, an undergraduate student in chemical physics. 

This would be my all-topic journal. I don't speak of self-development topics in real life and meditate in a toilet for no one to see me, maybe because I project my weirdo-loser self-image on it or something like that. I hope that activity on this forum will help me get my results and will not turn out as just another "pervert club for lonely freaks" participation. I mean my subjective perception, of course. 

About the goals. Currently, I am pretty much not ready for advanced topics and even domains like health and relationships. The career is the main pain in the ass that blocks me from everything else. So, the general plan for the next couple of years is :

  • build work ethics and become a results-maker
  • find my life purpose
  • fix career and money related neuroses
  • get a decent job and start making money
  • get normal living conditions and repay my debts

 

Luckily I can afford not getting a shitty useless job for about a year or two more. I will try to use this time wisely. Still, I want to take it slow. I am fed up with loud resolutions and ambitious unrealistic goals. 


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Alright, here is what I am going to do for now:

1. Stick to the meditation habit. 

I've been practicing meditation for about a month now, with 2 days skip. The most basic habit, besides, really helped me to pass the entrance exams to university. But I gave it up soon after those exams. Time to bring it back!

2.  Fulfill my university obligations 

The hardest part, I guess. Here comes the work ethics. 

3. Fulfill my obligations at lab

Have no idea what they are yet. 

4. Get my ass to capoeira classes

I decided not to consider capoeira as a stupid hobby that must be dropped. It has something to do with my life purpose. Also, if I drop it now, lack of physical activity and axé will fuck my studies up. No goals. Just get there 2-3 times a week, please.

5. Keep the financial journal.

Just in case of slacking off.

6. In reading focus on books related to scientific careers.

One more point! I kind of have this public resolution that I lose weight and take care of my skin. Can't get away from that. So I should watch out.

 


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"Art and Synergetics" by Igor Yevin

A peculiar jigsaw puzzle piece for my life purpose investigation that I came across recently. Here is the main point for me:

The main purpose of all the miraculous, ambiguous and unusual things in art is to maintain your brain, as a system, in a critical state. Perception of paradoxes and ambiguous situations excites much more neurons than usual, common stuff.  In other words, art makes your brain work. Several studies of school students showed that constant comprehension of artworks actually raises the intelligence, namely, performance at maths. 

So, briefly, art is not that stupid bullshit I used to think of it. It seems like aesthetic pleasure is actually an evolutionary mechanism for developing our brains! Now I have more reasons to keep practice painting, playing capoeira and dealing with other kinds of art.  It really wasn't obvious for me, guys. I mean, why do I need to practice such 'ineffective' martial art? Or painting, which is so practically useless? Of course, these topics still need further investigation, but I am really glad that I have finally moved from the "I just get really upset without those stupid hobbies" point. 

There is a bunch of other cool ideas there, not quite related to my career issues. The synergetics approach itself. The connection between brain functioning and art "functioning". Really made me want to dig into neurology and psychology.


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Career Option #1 - Polymer Physicist

This is kinda default option for me. I am also trapped in this field in terms of finances and accommodation for now. It doesn't really matter if I am 'TRULY' passionate about it or not. I have to admit that this is "if you are a secretary - first become a world-class secretary, then you'll see" type of situation. 

So, by publishing this post:

  • I give up my hopes that finding my true life purpose will give me an excuse to quit university
  • I give up my belief that any negative emotions or tiredness related to science are  signs of getting my life purpose wrong 
  • I decide not to give a fuck whether I am 'genetically' good enough for science or not
  • I decide to commit to the science related career  for at least next 7 years (until I get my PhD) and master it 
  • I (important!) decide to make science my main money source and make good money with it
  • I let my other options be no more than a hobby, and decide not to chase great results or monetization in this fields

Gotta re-read this every day now, haha. 


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Short weekly report

Meditation - ok, 7x20 minutes of do nothing. I am finishing 'trial period' for this technique in 2 weeks, so far I think that for 20-minute sessions it is more efficient to focus on the breath rather than do nothing.

Had no system to evaluate my activities at the university and in the lab. Gonna fix it.

Sports - only 1 class out of 3. I skipped the one on Saturday because I felt the urge to figure out all those decisions about my career in the above post. Oh, actually, similar shit happened to the second class. I registered here that day.

Finances. Keep filling my journal. But, well, I was very stupidly frauded for about $18 this week (my current wage in the lab is $12/mo). Had to sell those boots I have been wanting to sell for months to cover up. So, on the one hand, I got my desired motivation, on the other hand, I am still this naive little fucker, who is not prepared for real life. Just an observation.

Weight - is 68 kg today, 25.3% body fat. I guess I  finished recovery from peeling. Continuing my external acne therapy tomorrow or day after.

Edited by Azote

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Amount of working hours issue

Counterintuitively, I shouldn't work/study for more than 40 hours a week to be the most productive and outperform others.

This thesis really makes me laugh. Bitterly, and hysterically. As I am not supposed to have weekends. As I feel guilty and fucked up if I don't study every day during the semester. As every weekend is just full of guilt and self-reproach. As I still do not keep up with my university program anyway. 

Okay, to hell with the drama. I am going to fix this shit :)

First, I need to track down how many actual working hours a have during a week. Then we'll see,

 

 


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I do not have to go fulltime pro and teach to enjoy

Seems like I am going to have lots of OBVIOUS insights (to which nevertheless I couldn't get for years) these days.

This thing hit me because of a short conversation I had with my capoeira instructor last week. 

You see, I had a belief that if I keep training, I will eventually have to become full-time capoeirista and teach kids. This scared the shit out of me, because I can't last even for 3 hours of training and because I wouldn't be able to drop my other interests. And yeah, kids are fucking scary themselves. I really do not like kids. 

So, no wonder I started playing 5 years ago and still cannot do a handstand. I gave up on this art 4 times and felt hopeless.

And then he says: "Nonsense, there are actually plenty of guys who didn't teach until master's belt (that is like 20-30 years of practice) and played as a hobby!".

And then I was like: "holy shit!".

I can do this as a hobby and still do well! Because it is cool, fun, healthy, beautiful. No academy arrangement, no working my ass off for 8 hours a day, no kid classes, no obligations. Just fun and some conceivable effort. No interference with my life purpose. This was so fucking obvious that...eh!

Actually, today I managed to hold a stand for a sec. And some progress on other elements. And most importantly, had no usual negative emotions about my slow progress, life purpose and other shit. I guess I do not see all this as a sacrifice anymore. Best class for a very long time!

 

Edited by Azote

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General vision of getting the shit handled

I was going to work out my life consistently, domain by domain. Once I go through all the domains, I start a new cycle. So I kinda grow in spirals.

But on the current level, problems with other domains are going to interfere with my work on the current field. For example, I tend to sabotage studying because I blame it for me being a fat ugly nerd.

So the plan is to divide my work into two parts, where I concentrate on 2 life domains on stage 1  and on 1 domain on stage 2. Among the 2 domains from stage 1, there is a Major and a minor domain. Major is higher in priority, more long-lasting focus. The minor focus is a quick (up to 6-9 months) fix in domains that interfere with the Major.

So, now the M is my career, fundamental work on it,  and m is health, particularly weight loss and acne therapy. 

I hope that on stage 2 I won't have to split my attention and work more effectively on a single task.

actuslizing.png

What do you guys think?

 

Edited by Azote

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Week Report #2

Meditation - do nothing, 20+20+20+17+20+30+20 minutes.

Lab and studies - had some interesting results from working hours tracking. Gonna write a separate post on it. But generally, I still suck.

Sports - only 1 class out of 3 again. Seems like I have no time for it now.

 Keep filling my financial journal. 

Weight is 68 kg again. I readjusted my calorie counting procedure yesterday, let's see how it will work. Acne therapy is okay.

Edited by Azote

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Hey Azote - your hobbies sound really cool! From my perspective, I can only encourage you to keep doing capoeira: I totally regret giving up judo out of insecurity as a teenager after years of training. It is great to be part of a sports club. Even going "just" once a week is consistent training!  You're doing awesome ;)

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A rare thing to hear something pleasant about my interests, thank you! Totally agree with the club part :)

 


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Working hours track, week 1

So remember how I nagged that I get so tired from overworking?

54de55c8a8dab.png

I actually scored 32 hours this week.  And feel like I couldn't do more. Still didn't have a normal weekend, though.

Now, this is a mindfuck. Not only I don't work enough time, I also usually have a hard time concentrating on stuff.

I studied in blocks, in a quite quiet place, so the main distraction is thoughts, and sometimes my phone. So what should I do? Try that:

1. Get quantity. I'll try to get to a time distribution like 8-8-8-8-4-4-0 this week.

2. Get quality.  

  • computer-free Tue, Fri, and Sat. This device really exhausts me.
  • jogging or walking after classes at the university
  • switch from do-nothing to concentration on breath technique in meditation
  • no ditching classes
  • get some sleep!
  • don't study in the dorm while my roommate is there
  • keep working in blocks
  • give up tea for a week
  • get appropriate rest on Sunday

That's all I came up with. See ya in a week)

 


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Insight about looks and weight loss

As a woman, I look ugly not because of my masculinity. I'm not masculine. Just amorphous.


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Week report #3

I really should start my weeks on Sunday, folks. And I will ;)

Anyways, here's what we got today: 

Meditation - concentration on breath 7x20 minutes.

Lab - had to skip it due to a bunch of tests in university. Every week I realize more and more how this activity is interconnected with my other studies. But my resistance towards it grows nevertheless :/

Have been testing the technique for "ruthless effectiveness" at science. Hope I will come up with appropriate procedure soon.

Studying 

1.Quantity. Scored 32 hours again, but in 5 days instead of 7. 

2. Quality. How I applied tips I mentioned above:

  • computer-free Tue, Fri, and Sat. This device really exhausts me --> not so easy! Although I did have less working time with the laptop this week.
  • jogging or walking after classes at the university --> not everyday
  • switch from do-nothing to concentration on breath technique in meditation --> done
  • no ditching classes --> skipped 3 classes instead of 9 on previous week
  • get some sleep! --> yeah, overslept the test on quantum mechanics. Wasn't prepared anyway.
  • don't study in the dorm while my roommate is there --> done. Worth it.
  • keep working in blocks --> yes
  • give up tea for a week --> got a cup of tea Friday night, cannot really tell the difference yet
  • get appropriate rest on Sunday --> on Saturday.

Okay, I see some results, will keep building the momentum here. Although not pulling allnighters of cramming and copying homework assignments will bite me in the ass very soon %)

 

Sports - 2 classes out of 3, fuck yeah.

Money - keep filling my financial journal. Planned November budget. 

Weight is 67.6 kg (-0.4). Kept thinking about beef cutlets for some reason. Cooked them today. Warning sign, huh?)

Acne is getting better.

 

 


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Just for the record

shit-shit-shit, I'm backsliding already.

Some serious negotiations are coming.


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Week report #4

Now that was quite a weird week. I kept procrastinating and overeating until Tuesday, then there was an unpleasant accident which forced me to rearrange my plans. Not sure if I percept it right, but by now I am grateful for this accident (although at first, I got upset and self-reproaching). All in all, my weekly results came out surprisingly good.

I really like this airplane metaphor - there is always turbulence when you take-off :)

Let's go to the report now.

Meditation - concentration on breath 20-20-20-30-20-20-20 minutes.

The lab - was actually good. I even didn't feel sleepy and resisting. Almost decided about new habit for effective work. 

Studying.  Let's focus on quantity for the time being. Scored 34.5 hours in spite of procrastinating all Sunday and resting all Saturday. Ditched only 1 lecture.

Sports - 1 class out of 2. I am going to change my training plan soon.

Money - keep filling my financial journal. I still wait for that month when I actually spend all the money just as I planned :/

Weight is 67.2 kg (-0.4). Changed my strategy a bit. Now I consider calory consumption as an order-parameter (it used to be the weight for me).  So, if my homeostasis point is 1950 kcals per day, I will begin with eating 1800, until it shifts. I still fail to consistently keep myself within 1600 limit anyway. 

Acne is getting better.


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It began! :D

I feel pain. I want to go binge on smth, go to the bathroom, to daydream, to go surf internet. Anything to avoid doing what I should do.

Yeah, I love physics.

Now back to growth)


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Week report #5

Meditation - concentration on breath 7x20 minutes.

Lab - quite ok. So my technique for being productive is to search and read scientific articles and books for an hour every evening except Saturday. Let's give it a try, huh? 

Studying.  Scored 33 (-1.5)  hours. Skipped 5 classes. Next week should be better because I gathered myself together today and completed all the "sabbath" duties.

Sports - exercised at home little bit. I am going to skip classes until I pass my state exam in physics (around  23.01.2018). I have a plan for home practice for the next week. Let's see how it goes.

Money - keep filling my financial journal.

Weight is 66.8 kg (-0.4). I'm keeping 1800 kcal limit for 1 week more, at least. Had no desire to make some big cheat day on weekend. 

Acne is getting better. Second peeling is tomorrow, yay.


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Suddenly I realized what I was doing — choosing between Socrates and a cheeseburger. (c)

Joke. I didn't realize shit. Keep eating junk, yay.

upd. Well, yesterday I kinda negotiated with myself that if I exceed my 1800 kcal limit again today, I will return to 1600 kcal limit. Because apparently I just can not believe that one can lose weight without hunger and suffering. Sort of homeostasis of suffering level.

Edited by Azote

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I like your journal. You defined your favorite topics, and you simply write what you think and feel, and you set actions. It's simple and efficient.

Quote

This would be my all-topic journal. I don't speak of self-development topics in real life and meditate in a toilet for no one to see me, maybe because I project my weirdo-loser self-image on it or something like that. I hope that activity on this forum will help me get my results and will not turn out as just another "pervert club for lonely freaks" participation. I mean my subjective perception, of course. 

Totally understand your feeling. Speaking in public of your self development would be strange, especially in the workplace. The only thing we can do is to show our attitude and actions (smile more, be happy).

We are not freaks. I am a cool guy. I had tons of social interactions and many friends. I just got into PD to think more about myself, my projects and my future. 

The real risk would be to not question life. PD is like answering important questions such as "Do I want to raise a baby now?" or "Does this job fulfill me? Would the title of manager bring me more satisfaction". It is somehow scaring because you ask yourself real questions. However I am sure that many people don't know why they do make children. I don't want to question them on that, I am too afraid to hear they never thought life could be something else. Well you get my point ^_^

On 10/22/2017 at 10:49 AM, Azote said:

actuslizing.png

What do you guys think?

I can't resist but: intellectual masturbation :D However I like it. The graphs are neat.

Edited by guillaumeS

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