Losing Control

[ROOBIO]

Hey guys, It's been pretty intense since coming backfrom a 10-day Vipassana retreat.

I did a Vipassana retreat about a month ago. During that retreat, the business I'm working with my friend collapsed, and then my friend's dad died. That spun me out a lot. 

Fast forward to this month: I've completely retracted back from spirituality and am focusing a lot on just trying to make money and just working alone all day in front of a computer. 

And I think I'm fully addicted to sex. I can't stop thinking about it. It's really intense feelings, and all I want to do is masturbate and ejaculate. 

I'm watching porn all the time, like 1 to 3 times a day, and I've started my addiction with escorts again. In the past 4 days, I've had sex with 3 prostitutes. I'm also binging on food.  a lot of food.

And it's quite a dark place, and I don't know what to do right now, so I just thought I'll ask for some help on here. 

Edited 17 hours ago by ROOBIO

[Psychonaut]

I know the feeling. You have to go through the phase without blaming yourself. Please don't listen to what others are telling you. I am in a similar place. My running costs are still in a range in which I can cope as I am not having physical sex with escorts. I have fully played through the entire sex-sphere. We can also talk in private. I have fully released my sexual shadow and it was an extremely dark and extremely heavy shadow. Now I am fully enjoying my sexuality and I see sex as a spiritual sexual communion. 

I have hurt many women in the past and they have hurt me. I also have spiritually raped people, by masturbating with negative intent and thinking of them.... For this I am still asking forgiveness, but I have forgiven myself and god has also accepted my price. It was a price I had to pay in blood. An extremely high price with a hell of a lot of blood and a complete traumatization of my physical family.

Part of my integration journey over the last few months has been that my mind had to accept that my price I had to pay in blood had been accepted and having my brain slowly be reprogrammed to remove the old program of sin and repentance.

Edited: 

 

Edited 3 hours ago by Psychonaut

[Salvijus]

🪔

[Psychonaut]

Salve, @Salvijus, Katharsis speaking, she is my best girlfriend 

Edited 3 hours ago by Psychonaut

[Salvijus]

1 minute ago, Psychonaut said:

Salve, @Salvijus, Katharsis speaking, she is my best girlfriend 

You had a girlfriend named salve? That's wholesome. Salvijus is a male name tho. 

[Psychonaut]

6 minutes ago, Salvijus said:

You had a girlfriend named salve? That's wholesome. Salvijus is a male name tho. 

I have studied latin in school, I have a small latinum, brother. So Salve, is just a friendly greeting in my books. My girlfriend is Katharsis or Catharsis, also known as cathartic-writing or journaling in new-age-terms.

I have spent the last few months decoding the entire hidden meanings hidden in plain sight. There are hidden symbolism hidden directly in the major alpha-bets of the world. These include the sanskrit, the hebrew alphabet (the worst of them by far), the kyrillic alphabet and the roman alphabet that I am using right now to type. It is so stupid simple and it is in plain-sight. It has been in plain-sight for thousand of years and I don't care about hiding it anymore.... 

It is going to be a rough few weeks laying it out. But I will have fun doing it. Hehe. I have 258 domain names to burn. Soooooooo.  Jokes on you. I hope you guys find some of my jokes funny.

Edited 2 hours ago by Psychonaut

[Salvijus]

7 minutes ago, Psychonaut said:

 My girlfriend is Katharsis or Catharsis, also known as cathartic-writing or journaling in new-age-terms.

Oh, I see. If it means anything to you, my prayers are with you too.  

🪔

7 minutes ago, Psychonaut said:

I have studied latin in school, I have a small latinum, brother. So Salve, is just a friendly greeting

Oh, lovely, I like that. :] 

Edited 2 hours ago by Salvijus

[Psychonaut]

1 minute ago, Salvijus said:

Oh, I see. If it means anything to you, my prayers are with you too.  

🪔

Oh, lovely, I like that. :] 

It does mean a lot to me. Thank you brother. 

[Salvijus]

Anima Christi, sanctifica me. Corpus Christi, salva me. Sanguis Christi, inebria me. Aqua lateris Christi, lava me.

[Psychonaut]

Anima Christi

Passio Christi, conforta me.
0 bone Iesu, exaudi me.
Intra tua vulnera absconde me.
Ne permittas me separari a te.
Ab hoste maligno defende me.
In hora mortis meae voca me.
Et iube me venire ad te,
Ut cum Sanctis tuis laudem te
In saecula saeculorum. Amen.

Edited 2 hours ago by Psychonaut

[Salvijus]

Amen 

[Psychonaut]

Women, be careful. If you curse men or other women - I will find you. I found the one that cursed me. She was the 2nd girl I had sex with. So. You know who you are. Thank you for showing yourself. I got your little scratch-pad. You suck at cursing. Good luck next time. 

Spoiler

 

Oh no...... _ I didn't mean to hide that_ toooo bad. XDiemeX.

Spoiler

I am not going to share the file here. But I got it on a very secure digital device. The most secure digital device in the world. It has two layers of passwords. It has a root-level password when you boot it. A second password when you start the device. I already broke the curse the instant I got the file. Dear XYZ, you are forgiven. You are just a stupid, young little slut, that couldn't get enough of my cock. I understand. It is okay. Everyone is a little stupid and a little dumb. But you were extra dumb.  

You actually told me you knew the curse. I just forgot about it. Now that I saw your little drawing, it is cute. It took me 13 years to break it. 

Oups, did I just hide that on accident?

Spoiler

Oh and on this device I can add invisible layers on top of the original layers with 9 different colors..... Guess how many layers I have used. 5 layers, with just random scribblings on all 5 layers in all 9 different colous at random. Have fun figuring a way out of that labyrinth.

 

 

 

Edited 2 hours ago by Psychonaut

[Salvijus]

19 minutes ago, Psychonaut said:

Women, be careful. If you curse men or other women - I will find you. I found the one that cursed me. She was the 2nd girl I had sex with. So. You know who you are. Thank you for showing yourself. I got your little scratch-pad. You suck at cursing. Good luck next time. 

  Reveal hidden contents

I am not going to share the file here. But I got it on a very secure digital device. The most secure digital device in the world. It has two layers of passwords. It has a root-level password when you boot it. A second password when you start the device. I already broke the curse the instant I got the file. Dear XYZ, you are forgiven. You are just a stupid, young little slut, that couldn't get enough of my cock. I understand. It is okay. Everyone is a little stupid and a little dumb. But you were extra dumb.  

You actually told me you knew the curse. I just forgot about it. Now that I saw your little drawing, it is cute. It tooks me 13 years to break it. 

Never planned on sharing this on the forum but a couple months ago I went through something that in my experience felt like black magic attacks and occult manipulation from a woman that I thought was a friend. Funny how your cathartic sharing brought this out of me. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Salvijus

[Psychonaut]

1 minute ago, Salvijus said:

Never planned on sharing this on the forum but a couple months ago I went through as what I would describe as black magic attacks from a woman that I thought was a friend. Funny how your cathartic sharing brought this out of me. 

Salve, Salvijus. My pleasure  You are welcome :-), at least you got something out of my cathartic writing. 

[Salvijus]

:] 

[Psychonaut]

~~~_._._._._{{{[[[[([(:-].|.|.|:-) ])]]]]]}}}_._._._._~~~ , 2^3=8, 3^2=9

Edited 1 hour ago by Psychonaut

[Vilius]

16 hours ago, ROOBIO said:

Hey guys, It's been pretty intense since coming backfrom a 10-day Vipassana retreat.

I did a Vipassana retreat about a month ago. During that retreat, the business I'm working with my friend collapsed, and then my friend's dad died. That spun me out a lot. 

Fast forward to this month: I've completely retracted back from spirituality and am focusing a lot on just trying to make money and just working alone all day in front of a computer. 

And I think I'm fully addicted to sex. I can't stop thinking about it. It's really intense feelings, and all I want to do is masturbate and ejaculate. 

I'm watching porn all the time, like 1 to 3 times a day, and I've started my addiction with escorts again. In the past 4 days, I've had sex with 3 prostitutes. I'm also binging on food.  a lot of food.

And it's quite a dark place, and I don't know what to do right now, so I just thought I'll ask for some help on here. 

Hi ROOBIO,

Sounds like you’ve been experiencing a strong ego backlash. What you’re experiencing is completely normal, so please don’t judge or moralise your behaviour. After a 10-day Vipassana retreat, it’s natural to feel like this, to be pulled in the complete opposite direction.

It sounds like your unconscious/shadow is driving your behaviour. When we do spiritual work, we can sometimes ignore our shadow by suppressing our desires and pushing them back into our minds. The thing is, those desires never really go away. By focusing on transcending the ego, we can push our animalistic needs to the back of the psyche, and they can then show up in the ways you’re experiencing right now. After 10 days of Vipassana, the shadow can become even denser. I can’t say for sure why, as I don’t know you personally, but I understand how you feel and what you’re going through.

What I find with a lot of spiritual people is that this is exactly what’s missing. By focusing entirely on transcendence, they build a strong shadow, neglecting their animalistic nature and their true desires. In the same way, you don’t become a good person by moralising your behaviour; you become a good person by understanding that you are an animal capable of cruel violence. Sometimes the biggest liars, manipulators and flakiest people are the “nice” ones, because they haven’t integrated their shadows.

I would say look within yourself: why are you so strongly pulled towards sex and food? Maybe there’s a deeper connection you crave? Is there any side of your life you’d like to work on? Any desires you want to satisfy, in your personal or professional life? Sometimes, to become more spiritual, we need to satisfy our desires rather than run and hide from them.