Good morning everyone,
Sorry if the paragraphs I'm about to write going to be a bit messy. English is not my first language sorry for any inconvience it might cause. Anyways getting that out of the way.
First of all, I'm 23 years old I've finished physiotherapy studies in my home country Lithuania and came to United kingdom to study sports therapy. Choosing sports therapy was a wrong decision in the first place, because I were insecure about my previous education and I thought somehow sports therapy and working with athlete's going to be my thing. Turn out to be absolute opposite, working with footballers on the pitchside sounded horrible I didn't even like football rugby ect. I didn't do much research before coming to study that subject, I just assumed working with athletes going to be ''Cool'' I were absolutely wrong and I knew it because my intuition was telling me that, but I didn't listen to it all. Thus I left my studies during the pandemic last year, and since I wanted to stay in UK I found job in health care (home Carer) because physios are differently regulated in UK and I couldn't work as one.
Furthermore choosing to study physiotherapy were also made from my deep insecurity of not being able to do study medicine. I haven't completely failed school, but I had a lot of issues in school with myself, starting with eating disorder my 10th and 12th grades were spent being absorbed by eating disroder anorexia and bulimia. Excessive amounts of training on top. Yet I've managed to have good grades in biology.
Anyways school were absolutely mess for me, studying physio thought me one thing that I want to be a doctor it always was clear as a day for me but I were ignoring that because I thought I'm not capable to do that. Even though I don't have absolute clarity which specialty of medicine either a dietitian or surgeon, I'm absolutely fascinated by both and I've done shadowing for both professions couple years ago.
After I've finished physiotherapy and came to UK, I've done enormous amount of work with myself, retreats, long meditations sessions, broke up with my girlfriend (made that by my choice) ect. I had to deal with my past childhood traumas they were holding me back enormously I've been beaten with fists by my father many of times. I‘ve a lot of abuse in my family, father beating my mother (breaking her nose) I were around 7, my grandfather beating my grandmother while being drunk, also I've been stealing form the shops in my childhood, my parents and grandparents, manipulating lying ect. I had massive issues with telling truth It was challenging to overcome it. On top of that as I mentioned previously I had eating disorder which I get rid off at 22, I‘ve developed those disorder when I were 15, still remember that during summer break from school (3 months) I‘ve lost 24kg, not eating and exercising.
I think I've been stuck in victim mentality ''poor me'' thinking for a while which holder me back. Anyways I'm nearly 24 and I decided to start studying to apply for medicine next year, studies in Lithuania for medicine is free if you pass exams with good grades and go through military training which takes about 9 months. I also work full time (37 h) a week at the moment, to save some money before I start my studies, I can‘t work in Lithuania because the work is very low paid and it‘s not possible to save, maybe just to survive (salaries for physios is 500 euros a month). I‘m absolutely fine working 12h a day and studying on my working days and my days off, I want it that badly.
I know what medicine studies are like, I have friend who are docotrs and gone through all the meat grinder process. The thing is that I have this desire and it never goes away it‘s always there. I have worked hard manual labour in jobs in the past, construction site while studying physio, a lot of training on top of that. Also tried programming, massagge therapies, various other jobs retail ect. Still my desire is at medicine.
And I‘m still some parts of me keep telling me:
It‘s going to take 10 years is it worth it? ( I know it is, fear of missing out)
I‘m not going to make a lot of money for the next decade (I dont even care that much about money in the first place but the thoughts is there)
Maybe I just should develop my skillls further in physio good enough anyways, helping people ect. ( I still have that hole of not fullfilling myself as a docotr, desire still there)
Some of these thoughts keeps me doubting, I know it‘s hard way but the life I‘ve had till now always were very difficult.
I dont want be satisfied with just good enough, but there so many distraction out there.
I could make physio business in that time, I could do anything else.
That underlying desire I had for years since childhood.
Anyways my concers: Fear of not having enough money for the time ‘ll be studying, one part of me dont even care, but another one is afraid of that. It just makes me go crazy.
Also I‘ve been contemplating a lot about it. 1.5 years to prepare for exams? Working as facilitator in charity organisation looking after disabled adults while I‘ll study and save? Very long and hard road, 9 months of military on top of that afterwards just to get in and then 6 years of studies in Lithuania then leave to other country to do residency.
Although I sometimes think that universe has good sense of humor, maybe everything I‘ve gone and going through is just to prepare me for something.
My apologies about the mess at the end, I didn‘t have clear idea how to write those abstarct messy thoughts out of my head, I‘ve tried to make them in order as it made sense for me, thank you so much for anyone who read that.
I just wanted to get some external input from someone if the choice I‘m going to make is right?..
Again sorry for the mess at the end. Thank you and much love.
