A woman is falling in love with me and I need advice

[Olaf]

I need your guys advice, I have a woman falling in love with me and she is a bit younger then me or actually allot, she is like 20, quite pretty, I am 27, I am allot more mature then her and honestly I don´t know if I like her. Like the last 2 days she really started to open up to me and be vulnerable, and I haven´t seen anyone open up to me like this since a long time, talking about her fears about her grandfather that died etc. And I don´t want to lie to her, I am honest to her and said that I am just getting to know her and that I can´t say if I like her romantically yet, but that there is potential. She says she feels safe enough to open her heart to me and that she is scared to love again, but she trusts me. And tells me to please not leave her. I don´t want to play her honestly, like she is a good girl, but I don´t know if you know love can still grow? Like maybe it still can come? I am waiting to fall in love, but maybe my mind thinks that I can get someone better and won't settle, it is weird like that. I am trying to prolong it, but also I feel when I prolong it too long I am making it painful for her. Love is complicated men. Maybe I am taking this all too seriously. I guess I just don't want to lie to her and I haven't lied to her yet, I never told her that I love her or whatever, I told her only that I see potential and would like to get to know her better, which is true. 

Edited 22 hours ago by Olaf

[LordFall]

Go on Google doc and write your dream dating life on one page. Until you’re able to achieve it don’t settle for random chicks. 

When you get decent at game all kinds of chicks wanna spend time with you; it’s not about what they want though it’s about what you want. Codependency is the death of thriving. You can also date multiple girls at the same time, nobody said you have to promise to be exclusive to every girl that likes you. Just don’t lie to them and be open about what you want, which is what you write on that google doc. For me it’s to be able to have 5 wives if I desire it so dating just one chick that’s into monogamy is not in my cards and I tell them upfront. 

You will have a different vision of your perfect dating life but it’s the same process: having boundaries and not being a people pleaser. 

[YIDIRYIDIR]

1 hour ago, Olaf said:

I need your guys advice, I have a woman falling in love with me and she is a bit younger then me or actually allot, she is like 20, quite pretty, I am 27, I am allot more mature then her and honestly I don´t know if I like her. Like the last 2 days she really started to open up to me and be vulnerable, and I haven´t seen anyone open up to me like this since a long time, talking about her fears about her grandfather that died etc. And I don´t want to lie to her, I am honest to her and said that I am just getting to know her and that I can´t say if I like her romantically yet, but that there is potential. She says she feels safe enough to open her heart to me and that she is scared to love again, but she trusts me. And tells me to please not leave her. I don´t want to play her honestly, like she is a good girl, but I don´t know if you know love can still grow? Like maybe it still can come? I am waiting to fall in love, but maybe my mind thinks that I can get someone better and won't settle, it is weird like that. I am trying to prolong it, but also I feel when I prolong it too long I am making it painful for her. Love is complicated men. Maybe I am taking this all too seriously. I guess I just don't want to lie to her and I haven't lied to her yet, I never told her that I love her or whatever, I told her only that I see potential and would like to get to know her better, which is true. 

These are huge signs of the anxious - avoidant attachment style dynamic. Her neediness (telling you please not leave her) and her constantly showing to you she wants something romantic might be her being clingy. 

your indecisiveness might be the fear of commitment that people with avoidant attachment have. also you listening to her early and letting ger open up and feel safe is classic pattern avoidants have. 

all these signs - on their own - are normal relationships stuff, but all of them combined in this case, especially since you said you're just getting to know her suggests that it might be this dynamic.

you might wanna consider the fact that maybe it's attachment not love. 

I'm talking from experience btw, I'm not a psychologist. 

Edited 21 hours ago by YIDIRYIDIR

[Olaf]

@YIDIRYIDIR Yes I thought something similar, I feel like I am in so much abundance that it kind of makes woman open up way too quickly, I am not rushing to settle down in fact I enjoy learning about going out and approaching etc. That I am not wanting to commit unless I feel like, this is the one. I literally know her for a week and she is opening up to me like she hasn't opened up to anyone before. Yet because she opens up so quickly it almost gives this pressure on me to make a quick decision and I don't like to be rushed into a quick decision especially around something as big and important as a relationship. Maybe I should tell her that. Tell her that I don't want to rush into a relationship and take my time and if she doesn't want that, that she can find someone else, I don't want to keep her hostage. I think that would be most fair, because then she can decide herself if she wants to give me time or not. Or if she really has this anxious attachment style, then that is also not smart to have a relationship with her, although I feel most woman have some form of that or I just attract them, that could also be possible. 

[YIDIRYIDIR]

36 minutes ago, Olaf said:

@YIDIRYIDIR Yes I thought something similar, I feel like I am in so much abundance that it kind of makes woman open up way too quickly, I am not rushing to settle down in fact I enjoy learning about going out and approaching etc. That I am not wanting to commit unless I feel like, this is the one. I literally know her for a week and she is opening up to me like she hasn't opened up to anyone before. Yet because she opens up so quickly it almost gives this pressure on me to make a quick decision and I don't like to be rushed into a quick decision especially around something as big and important as a relationship. Maybe I should tell her that. Tell her that I don't want to rush into a relationship and take my time and if she doesn't want that, that she can find someone else, I don't want to keep her hostage. I think that would be most fair, because then she can decide herself if she wants to give me time or not. Or if she really has this anxious attachment style, then that is also not smart to have a relationship with her, although I feel most woman have some form of that or I just attract them, that could also be possible. 

a secure person doesn't "need" to be in a relationship, especially if it has only been a week. also, be careful she might be in rebound territory, ask her how recently has she had a break up. 

anyway you're handling it in a mature way. good luck with your dating
 

[Olaf]

@YIDIRYIDIR appreciate it, thank you

[Rishabh R]

@Olaf Man , you found a receptive girl. It has also happened with me in the past a couple of times. I think it's wise to communicate your honest intentions to her beforehand .

[Etherial Cat]

10 hours ago, Olaf said:

@YIDIRYIDIR Yes I thought something similar, I feel like I am in so much abundance that it kind of makes woman open up way too quickly, I am not rushing to settle down in fact I enjoy learning about going out and approaching etc. That I am not wanting to commit unless I feel like, this is the one. I literally know her for a week and she is opening up to me like she hasn't opened up to anyone before. Yet because she opens up so quickly it almost gives this pressure on me to make a quick decision and I don't like to be rushed into a quick decision especially around something as big and important as a relationship. Maybe I should tell her that. Tell her that I don't want to rush into a relationship and take my time and if she doesn't want that, that she can find someone else, I don't want to keep her hostage. I think that would be most fair, because then she can decide herself if she wants to give me time or not. Or if she really has this anxious attachment style, then that is also not smart to have a relationship with her, although I feel most woman have some form of that or I just attract them, that could also be possible. 

I’ve always thought that people often frame relationships the wrong way around. Instead of immediately labelling something as “a romantic relationship” that one must either commit to or flee from, why not first ask whether you genuinely enjoy getting to know each other — and whether both people can operate from the principle of what is best for us, meaning both you and me at the same time?

Often, anxious types are drawn to dismissive avoidants or fearful avoidants. The latter two can be very good at rationalizing away any concrete chance at intimacy through protective narratives. I’m not saying this is necessarily what is happening in your case, but I would suggest looking into your own attachment style too.

Learning how to be a good partner is a process. Imagining that a “magic” person will eventually appear in the future and be immediately recognizable as the right one can sometimes be a lofty, convenient projection.

If she is not the right person for you, it will not work out anyway. But if there is something real there, dare to be vulnerable and honest about your feelings — with tact. Emotional intelligence is a sine qua non condition for any meaningful relationship.

[Olaf]

@Etherial Cat yes I think the getting to know eachother, should be a much longer phase then we think is normal right now. It is like a cat, it first is sniffing you, then coming back and forth and eventually decides to sit on your lap and getting comfortable with you. I don't feel comfortable easily with people, probably big reason is due to my past relationships, but also I want to make sure, are we the right fit? And falling in love is one thing, another thing is if much of your life alligns with eachother aswell. If someone loves football and the other hockey, that is no problem, but if someone is Muslim and you are an atheist or if someone comes from a certain culture and you from another culture, these all can be more serious things that don't always align. 

[Olaf]

@Rishabh R yes I try to keep it transparent

[Etherial Cat]

8 minutes ago, Olaf said:

@Etherial Cat yes I think the getting to know eachother, should be a much longer phase then we think is normal right now. It is like a cat, it first is sniffing you, then coming back and forth and eventually decides to sit on your lap and getting comfortable with you. I don't feel comfortable easily with people, probably big reason is due to my past relationships, but also I want to make sure, are we the right fit? And falling in love is one thing, another thing is if much of your life alligns with eachother aswell. If someone loves football and the other hockey, that is no problem, but if someone is Muslim and you are an atheist or if someone comes from a certain culture and you from another culture, these all can be more serious things that don't always align. 

That seems to be a very reasonable take.



I think any worthy relationships needs perspective to flow. Otherwise, are we anyway really with someone?