1-5% of humans have engaged in beastiality

[Natasha Tori Maru]

5 minutes ago, Carl-Richard said:

Our king (H.M. King Harald V, RIP) just died a few days ago and the new king (H.M. King Haakon VIII) has always struck me as repression example #1. So extremely controlled and lack of affect, but you can feel there are things under the surface. I saw it during his first speech as king and during interviews about the recent royal scandals.

I love reading situations like that - you end up seeing all sorts of ripples of tension in the body, in the face. Tiny little expressions. Shoulders rounded inward just a touch. One side of the mouth twitch. Looking down all of sudden (when I ask people how they feel they often look down, not sure if there is something to that!).

I resist actually making a diagnosis "this means that emotion". I can just observe sOmEtHiNg occurring that isn't being allowed.

When we get new hires in the office - my Dad is like "Yeah, you will get used to that room experiencing a lot of Natasha's emotions. Soon you will miss it when she isn't blowing up in there". He's a good egg for tolerating my explosions !!!

[Jordan of the Shire]

2 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

The equine therapy was quite remarkable.

I have a history of extreme trauma - a larger load and narrative than one would consider usual (I require no compassion or sympathy, we all have our tale of woe. I add this because it is relevant to the therapy experience). For many years I felt I got through the early childhood difficulty relatively well. There were some lingering strange oddities about me; I had a lot of flat affect. Emotional numbing. Blunted internal interpersonal value system. 

I decided to drive into this, as I could recall a time when as a child when I was much more expressive, headstrong and emotive.

I did talk therapy (which wasn't so effective). My therapist suggested equine therapy as I had all the cognitive tools and knowledge to address my own issues (and striking intellectual interoception and analysis ability), but wasn't showing a lot of improvement. It isn't like I was broken or non-functioning - more I was aware I was somehow blocked internally.

You basically interact with horses as part of a structured therapeutic and psychological process. Approaching them, standing near them. Noticing your own reactions. Grooming and caring for the horse for trust and connection. Leading them and observing my own body language/attention and how I affected the horses response. Some groundworking also - verbal commands asking the horse the move around obstacles, stop, follow - the therapist used these exercises to explore/observe boundaries, communication and emotional regulation.

After you reflect on what happened verbally.

It isn't some magical healing sort of juju that horses do - but they are remarkable creatures. I did 8 sessions (I wish I could do more, but it was not cheap). I started off scanning myself (my internal state) each session, thinking I was calm, relaxed and neutral - but the horse I worked with, initially, wouldn't come near me. Like, almost RAN away skittishly. It turns out horses are remarkable at detecting fear. Their proposed therapeutic value comes partly from horses being large, sensitive and social animals. They respond strongly to human behaviour and body language. They pick up on things even another human is cannot detect in your voice, tone, body language etc. If you are fearing - they won't come near you. They are social animals - if they sense fear in you they read it as "this animal senses danger" and won't come close in case there is danger near. You ride the horses in the sessions also (backwards too!). 

By the end I could enter the field and have the horses come running to me! Following. Taking lead from me so easily. It was remarkable because intellectually and analytically I couldn't get through the 'block'. I needed feedback from the horse to see how I had improved and worked through my internal resistances. The more emotion I allowed, the quicker the states passed. So even if something did come up (talking to the therapist at the same time occasionally) and the horse resisted my attempts to connect, I could let the emotion go quicker and the horse would respond. My therapist observed a lot of tension in my legs and pelvis a lot. How I moved. I got a lot better at bodyscanning for emotions and identifying them. Naming them and learning the nuanced distinctions in my emotions was essential also. The horses gradually responded more positively to me. I still remember the 5th session so well - I entered the main gate to see the mares and one came straight up to me, almost demanding affection! That was a big breakthrough.

I discovered I was, essentially, for around 15 years - blocking out emotions, suppressing or resisting. Creating elaborate coping mechanisms to avoid feelings and emotions. I was excellent at intellectualising and explaining everything away mechanistically - which actually caused some secondary issues with over-attachment to frames, ideas, thoughts. This lead to a lot of defensiveness of my own intellect!). The horse therapy helped me get through it. Haha! Traditional therapy didn't work so much 

Dogs also (and other animals) approach me a lot more now. 

Animals have higher sensitivity to tone, eye movement, body language, tension, sound etc due to a lack of language to verbally communicate. If they do not have any pathologies of their own (and yes, I have seen animals that have pathological coping mechanisms due to mistreatment, just like humans), they can act as a great feedback mechanism. 

I am also now way more drawn to animals as a result.

I wouldn't say I am healed - oh no! - but I am able to find the source of the problem quicker now. And most times, the feeling, emotion or state itself, isn't even a problem. But I needed to let myself feel the hot pan properly, so I could drop it. It is that zen saying isn't it? How do you drop a hot pan? Let go. But to let go I had to identify and feel the heat. Not fight it. Pretend it wasn't hot.

Thanks for asking!

 

@Natasha Tori Maru

Hey, just want you to know, I hear what you're saying. I think it's awesome how you went from being a intellectual circuit board to a 8 cylinder engine ... in other words , capable of feeling and intuiting the kind of internal blocks that were not being resolved by purely intellectual work. I think it's amazing that you got to experience the mare change from seeing you as a warning, to seeing you as a pleasant surprise - and the journey you went through to get there. Seeing the tensions, the emotions, the fears, and learning how to express them openly is such a beautiful thing. 

Thanks for sharing ❤️

Edited 5 hours ago by Jordan of the Shire