How silent retreats and meditation worsened my mental health

[Tistepiste]

I went to 3 silent retreats.

2x 10 days, 11hrs/day Vipassana meditation sitting (Goenka)

1x 14 days, 11hrs/ day Vipassana meditation sitting + walking (Mahasi Sayadaw)

The retreats were all successful in the sense that I entered multiple different stages of enlightenment.

I experienced dissolution of body and feeling of unconditional love multiple times.

I experienced the realization of no-self

I experienced effortless "being in the moment" for 3 months straight

I experienced the deconstruction of all my mind patterns, mapped them out and could spot them instantly.

The technique works for me.

 

However, it also made my mental health so much worse.

I struggle with OCD and ADHD. Unmedicated and untreated.

My OCD can attach itself on mundane things or be triggered by unresolved trauma.

It is episodic and sleeping and always watches me by surprise. When I think it is gone it is suddenly back stronger than ever

Stuck in loop

In one of these (2nd) retreats I was stuck in an OCD loop for the duration of the whole retreat due to a trigger.

Imagine 11 hrs/day for 10 days of no escape from the OCD loops strengthening itself, with no one to talk to or no one that understands you.

It took me 4 weeks of post retreat self-care that the active OCD went to sleep again, technique: slowing down, and focussing on breath.

You would say that's literally meditation and yes, it is, but sometimes you need to give yourself the right context and environment and access to outside information to help you get new perspectives and clinical knowledge in order to give you the good basis to recognize that you're in a loop and to give you enough counterweight.

I wasn't aware I was stuck in an OCD loop until I was and when I realized (on the retreat) the dragon had grown too big to beat it.

Life lesson

The actual most important lesson I learned and why I created this topic:

These retreats 

• Trained my brain to instantly recognize the existence craving / aversion.

It activates the system where my body wants to stop feeding the craving and aversion which creates a rejection of the feelings I'm having.

My mind works from the idea that this craving - aversion balance is the root of all evil. So I cannot give into it.

• Trained my brain to want to handle this things alone, in silence, with close presence to the body sensation. No talking about it, not opening up to people

The idea is that if I open up to people or talk about it I give it more space and give it more right to exist. The idea is that you don't want to give in to the craving and aversion and stay close to it, understand how it feels and then "let it go".

 

This creates multiple toxic tendencies (in my case)

•  Isolation

"Other people can't help you. Awareness is the only way."

• Rejection of your own feelings

"I cannot give this feeling right to exist"

• Confusion

"I thought it'd outgrown this"

• Mental issues get room to grow (because there's no other voice)

OCD just keeps getting stuck 

• Shame 

"You're more wise and mature than this"

This tendencies just makes it so much worse.

 

This is just to be served as a warning.

You can have realisations but you're also still human. Do not over estimate yourself or the state you're in.

Meditative states can fade, certainly post retreats. Insights can fade. Old patterns can come back.

Don't fall for the old tricks of the mind, or don't allow the mind to leverage your new insights against you.

Stay vulnerable. Stay humble. Stay open.

Edited 14 hours ago by Tistepiste

[Elliott]

Thank you

 

https://www.popsci.com/health/meditation-pyschosis-rare/

Quote

Later that evening, at a psychiatric hospital, the young woman received her diagnosis: schizoaffective disorder, a type of schizophrenia. 

 

17 percent required inpatient hospitalization. 

 

meditation-induced psychosis after working with a patient who was struggling with hallucinations and involuntary movement after months of meditating for hours each day. 

 

But when we have too much dopamine, our brain begins thinking that even insignificant stimuli are relevant and important. Objects might seem to carry hidden messages

More than half of participants in the same study had symptoms that lasted more than a year. 

Her schizophrenia is very much a presence in her life. Objects still carry subliminal meanings and personalities. But she’s finally found the right medication for her condition. Rather than the barrage that accosted her when she was unwell, these messages have transformed into a kind of enhanced creativity. She’s a writer, a mental health activist, and a musician; she also has a masters degree in social work.

 

It’s been fourteen years since the onset of her psychosis. She hasn’t meditated since.

 

Edited 11 hours ago by Elliott

[Sugarcoat]

If “Vipassana” doesn’t work, how about “whip-ass-anal” instead? 

 

(I’m stretching the limits for getting banned now)

 

But legit maybe you need to lay of the metaphysical for a while and go for somatic stuff instead (or both, in order mentioned above, maybe it’s exhausting focusing on yourself all the time so it’s a possibility for additional “release”)

 

(Sorry Leo if you see this but you say your teachings are radical so I’m testing your claim here)

Edited 2 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[UnbornTao]

Just now, Sugarcoat said:

If “Vipassana” doesn’t work, how about whip-ass-anal instead? 

 

(I’m stretching the limits for getting banned now)

 

But legit maybe you need to lay of the metaphysical for a while and go for somatic stuff instead (or both, in order mentioned above, maybe it’s exhausting focusing on yourself all the time so it’s a possibility for additional “release”)

 

(Sorry Leo if you see this but you say your teachings are radical so I’m testing your claim here)

You know what? 4 warning points for that.

No wait...

[Sugarcoat]

4 minutes ago, UnbornTao said:

You know what? 4 warning points for that.

No wait...

You got me there for a sec😂😂

Edited 3 hours ago by Sugarcoat

[UnbornTao]

@Tistepiste It seems like you're doing fine with your challenges. You recognized the potential negative effects of intense practice and learned from them, so props for that.

[UnbornTao]

2 minutes ago, Sugarcoat said:

You got me there for a sec😂😂😂