Attachment Styles

[Rafael Thundercat]

As someone told me once. You dont see your reletional issues till you enter a relationship, then when you enter in it all the can of worms open up. This is my case and I am working on this. I Appreciate any good insights on this topic. 

i am currently watching this

 

 

[Valach]

2 hours ago, Rafael Thundercat said:

As someone told me once. You dont see your reletional issues till you enter a relationship, then when you enter in it all the can of worms open up. This is my case and I am working on this. I Appreciate any good insights on this topic. 

i am currently watching this

 

 

That's what I believed as well. The more I dive into this the more I can easily see the insecure attachments in other people even when they are not in a relationships.

[Rafael Thundercat]

4 hours ago, Valach said:

That's what I believed as well. The more I dive into this the more I can easily see the insecure attachments in other people even when they are not in a relationships.

Luckly there a lot of people out there dealing with the same relational issues and coming up with wisdom to navigate it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DaPGahvjQXq/?igsh=eHBtY2ZncDU1d2hp

 

[Valach]

7 hours ago, Rafael Thundercat said:

Luckly there a lot of people out there dealing with the same relational issues and coming up with wisdom to navigate it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DaPGahvjQXq/?igsh=eHBtY2ZncDU1d2hp

 

I do not have instagram sadly so can't see that.

[Ulax]

Nice. I think its very good for relationships.

[Rafael Thundercat]

For those with instagam account , this is specific for who deals with Avoidands. About giving changes to them

https://www.instagram.com/p/Daz6KbmDUFl/?igsh=eXF0NzIzazlheHZv

 

[LordFall]

I think it's a great model of relationships, I'm glad it's becoming mainstream I hear people talk about attachment styles that aren't super into self-development.

I think it's perhaps common to start off as anxious then veer into avoidant and then hopefully fall into secure. 

It started off that way with me with my ex I was I'd say the more anxious partner and she was more of an avoidant. I spend like 6 years outside of serious committed relationships working on myself and only having hookups and FWBs type of arrangements but I'd say it allowed me to understand myself and my needs more to now be able to enter secure relationships in the future. 

[Valach]

1 hour ago, LordFall said:

I think it's a great model of relationships, I'm glad it's becoming mainstream I hear people talk about attachment styles that aren't super into self-development.

I think it's perhaps common to start off as anxious then veer into avoidant and then hopefully fall into secure. 

It started off that way with me with my ex I was I'd say the more anxious partner and she was more of an avoidant. I spend like 6 years outside of serious committed relationships working on myself and only having hookups and FWBs type of arrangements but I'd say it allowed me to understand myself and my needs more to now be able to enter secure relationships in the future. 

The path of anxious -> avoidant is quite common. What most people do not realize is that many anxious and avoidant people are very similiar. The behaviour might be different but the underlying emotions that drive this behaviour are often same.

[Rafael Thundercat]

@LordFall I had recently a situationship with an Avoidant. I dont hold grudges with her since she is young and for sure will learn with life and experiences that her behaviours will hijack any relationship she enter. But for me I learned what this text bellow from a guy in Instagram posted:

"There's one signal that tells you whether a relationship is worth your time. Just one.
If you aren't experiencing more peace, more safety, and a deeper sense of self when you're with someone — the relationship is cooked. Full stop.
Don't fight for them. Don't get hooked on the "potential." Don't convince yourself once they do a bit more "work" or "heal" it'll work out. That's not your responsibility and says more about where you're at than they are.
A relationship is only healthy when you're more relaxed in their presence. When you feel completely chosen. When the default is kindness, devotion, and expanded possibility.
If you tolerate anything less than this you are playing childhood games. Recreating scenarios that make you feel like you have to earn your worth, or save someone, or put up with the same bullshit you had as a kid that you thought was love. That isn't their fault, it's yours.
The patterns shift through love — not dysregulation. Toxic relating is not healing. Regular dysregulation is not healing. Fighting for your dignity or having to constantly figure out "what you are" to someone isn't healing.
Relationship is not supposed to be a crucible. It is not supposed to be you recreating the bullshit dynamic of love modeled to you from your parents and saying is progress.
The moment I got ruthless with what I am available for, my entire relational world changed. I stopped fighting for relationships or trying to get something from them I could only give myself. Healing can only happen inside relationship when you've actually healed enough of your own shit. When you stand in your worthiness and are willing to walk away from anything that doesn't make you feel more alive, more free, and more safe.
When I did the deeply confronting work of seeing how my relationships just reflected everywhere I hated myself, I entered a relationship that showed me what true love is. No covert contracts. No expectations. A mutual understanding that we're willing to walk away when it doesn't feel aligned any longer.
You cannot build self-worth in a relationship. You cannot get it from your partner. That is an impossible burden to put on the both of you. If you need a relationship to get something, you shouldn't be in one.
When you no longer need a relationship, you get the exact one you want. Two humans coming together because they want to expand and grow through mutual devotion. Of course there are challenges, but they're the type of challenges you want. Because you stopped choosing from lack and started choosing from fullness.
You're not doing the "work" and "healing" in a relationship while your entire lifeforce is being siphoned. You're gaslighting yourself.