Should I Leave a Loving Relationship for Growth and Intellectual Compatibility?

[integral]

1 minute ago, Elliott said:

He's in a toxic abusive relationship with you. His girlfriend is not toxic, just not what he's looking for.

From your perspective what i said is toxic abuse? 

1 minute ago, Elliott said:

just not what he's looking for.

and what i said is he needs life experience to know what hes looking for.

[Elliott]

13 minutes ago, integral said:

From your perspective what i said is toxic abuse? 

Ya

13 minutes ago, integral said:

and what i said is he needs life experience to know what hes looking for.

You said that AND that what he will learn is that his current girlfriend is what he will wind up wanting.

[integral]

Just now, Elliott said:

that what he will learn is that his current girlfriend is what he will wind up wanting.

Why is that such a crazy thing to say?

[Elliott]

16 minutes ago, integral said:

Why is that such a crazy thing to say?

 

1 hour ago, integral said:

Let's assume someone does not have a scarcity mindset, they do have options and yet they're in a great relationship with a great woman who has one imperfection.

Now your whole post looks like someone has to chase perfection or else there settling, so the framing is everything is settling and that's weakness and therefore it's wrong. 

Do you "deserve a Lamborghini?" the answer: The question is a shallow value projection. 

Needing Perfection is the pathology.

Because these are children's games.

If you're in a great relationship and still not happy it's because you have to grow up. And there's nothing wrong with needing to grow up and if that growing up means you have to leave the relationship to experience life then that's what you got to do.

 

56 minutes ago, integral said:

I didn't say he had to settle. I said if he has a problem he needs more life experience and that means he has to leave the relationship and get that experience

 

You never said what's in bold, reread your middle comment I'm quoting here, go back and reread your comments, it was close, but the difference is important, you're explicit here in bold, now saying 'he definitely needs to break up'.

Edited 1 hour ago by Elliott

[integral]

45 minutes ago, Elliott said:

You never said what's in bold, reread your middle comment I'm quoting here, go back and reread your comments, it was close, but the difference is important, you're explicit here in bold, now saying 'he definitely needs to break up'.

I read in the previous comment that people were interpreting what we were saying as that he should stay in the relationship.

When what we're talking about is he doesn't have any gratitude or appreciation or understanding what life is about.

and @LordFall will frame gratitude as weakness, settling, scarcity mindset, laziness and so on. and that's only true when they didn't do any self development work, when they didn't pursue all of that stuff and now they're actually coping.

This is his first relationship and he found something to be unhappy about, And that's fine that's how we are all built and now he has to go and date 600 more women to find that they're all basically the same.

Everyone you're going to date is going to have strengths and weaknesses.

@LordFall the MBTI point was good, compatibility is important, but what matters more above mbti is what is their mature level, how have applied themselves in self development, do they have healthy physiology and don't have neurological conditions.

Edited 1 hour ago by integral

[Elliott]

21 minutes ago, integral said:

 

This is his first relationship and he found something to be unhappy about, And that's fine that's how he's built and now he has to go and date 600 more women to find that they're all basically the same.

Everyone you're going to date is going to have strengths and weaknesses

Amen

 

*Not 600 women, obviously hyperbole, hopefully just one more

By the way, my dating method is not dating a lot, what I suggest is being friends first, go make friends with women, you'll marry your next girlfriend.

Edited 1 hour ago by Elliott

[integral]

13 minutes ago, Elliott said:

By the way, my dating method is not dating a lot, what I suggest is being friends first, go make friends with women, you'll marry your next girlfriend.

It's hard to know if you're compatible with someone if you don't live with them

[Elliott]

40 minutes ago, integral said:

It's hard to know if you're compatible with someone if you don't live with them

What would be the issue?

I don't suggest passive friendship(for dating), but analytical; are they uncompromising is a big one, it's not all about shared interests, you need to analyze their personality and preferences(for dating). You need to ask everything you would like you were dating, 'what are your beliefs _____?'.

Edited 31 minutes ago by Elliott

[integral]

36 minutes ago, Elliott said:

What would be the issue?

When living with someone people go through every state and mood. So the whole spectrum of who they are as a person is revealed. Their worst possible selves and their best possible selves are all going to be something that the partner has to experience every day.

The closer that both partners Lifestyles align with each other the less friction there's going to be when all these different moods and States collide.

Having high standards to select a good partner is super important and 99% of the point of doing that is to figure out if you can live together with them.

Edited 23 minutes ago by integral

[LordFall]

3 hours ago, integral said:

MIMINUM?

He said the only problem with his wife is that she's intellectually not his equal.

That means she qualifies at every level except for one.

Anyways the problem has nothing to do with the girl it has to do with him not having experience, and not knowing what life is about and prioritizing small details that and he thinks fixing these small details are going to bring him happiness

Not his wife his girlfriend that he’s been dating for 8 months, as in the standard honeymoon relationship. That’s one level that trickles down to every aspect of their relationship. 

He won’t feel understood and seen, they’ll have different goals and long term vision for their lives , they’ll value different aspect of communication, etc. It’s basically the difference between finding your best friend vs some chill person that accepts you. It’s not a small detail, to me that would be like a 60% miss-match.

2 hours ago, integral said:

@Elliott Realistically what you could hope for is a woman who's going to hug you when you come home from work and tell you that she loves you.

 

2 hours ago, integral said:

I didn't say he had to settle. I said if he has a problem he needs more life experience and that means he has to leave the relationship and get that experience

But don't expect some rainbow unicorn woman at the other side

I didn't date them long term but I have two FWBs that were comfortable and loving when I hung out with them for a few months. To me that's the start of abundance. If you do your pick up journey properly you should have that in abundance.

There is something to be said about being more in appreciation and lowering your threshold for stimulation but I wouldn't conflate that with having low dating experience and standards. We are blessed to be living in times where we can explore dating more abundantly than pretty much any of our ancestors, I wouldn't default to settling for the first woman that accepts you as being a wise answer.