So Filled W/trauma & Hate

[kieranperez]

All,

So a little over a year ago I dated the first girl I ever fell in love with. It really happened fast for both of us because 2 weeks into dating, leaving out a lot of details that would make this post way too long, she already had a guy who was out to get her. This girl was a recovering drug addict of cocaine (I got her clean and sober when I was with her) and had a dealer who was after her. I housed her at my place. Then 3 weeks into the relationship she was diagnosed at Stage 3 Skin Cancer. She begged me to leave so I didn't have to deal with her struggle but I refused to go anywhere. Tying in with that, she suffered from PTSD and Family Abandonment because when she was 14 (she was 19 when we dated) her brother saved her life by sacrificing his in a car crash by taking the impact on her side of the car. He was the favorite child and so her parents and only other brother blamed her for his death because the car was coming in on her side so they made the statement that she was supposed to die. Not him. They wished he survived. So they abandoned her in her own house at 14. She ended becoming a drug addict shortly after that. Granted, I didn't know all of this when we started dating. So when she was diagnosed with cancer, she was at a point of being so done with her life she stopped going to her amino therapy that she was going through until I literally made her go. To give an example on how serious this was... one night she had a gout attack (cancer patients are susceptible to gout) . We were at my place and I drove her to her place so she could rest. There's a stair case that leads to her room but I told her, still remember the words, "You're going up these steps on your own. This is your life and you're going to turn this around by getting yourself up these steps. You can do this. I believe in you." Keep in mind, she could barely walk without screaming in pain. She made it up the steps while I'm crying hysterically with loving pride that I was dating such a strong girl. Shortly after that, after making her go to therapy, she beat her cancer. We even almost moved in together. Then 10 days before my birthday she decided to move away from me to go to Lake Tahoe (I live in the SF Bay Area). I was so heartbroken I cried everyday quite literally for the next month and a half until I literally couldn't take not being with her and I literally decided to drive 4 hours, 200 miles to Tahoe just to surprise and be with her... for only 6 hours. I knew she still loved me cause she left believing she didn't deserve the love I was giving her. We had a great time seeing each other but then clarified before I left to go home that she didn't love me anymore. I drove back crying the entire 4 hours. We tried talking on and off for a few months just being chill, even though in the back of my mind I knew I was still in love with her. I just couldn't let it go. Also... all of this that happened while we were dating was all in a 3 MONTH time-span... Eventually on her birthday weekend in September she surprised me in my neighborhood. I tried to play it cool cause she was trying to play the whole 'we can just chill and be friends and stuff.' I stood up for myself and told her I'm not going to play this game. One thing lead to another and then she apologetically and shamefully confessed that she slept with 2 guys within 2 weeks of leaving me and was already seeing someone which she didn't tell me knowing I was still in love with her. I went OFF on her yelling on top of my lungs telling how she's fucking scum for trying to play it cool with me and then just casually tell me this while she knows I'm still madly in love with her. I told her I'd never talk to her again. She left crying and I left steamed... I reached out the next day apologetically. Trying to play it cool. 

This unhealthy game went on for awhile. Off and on. Then when she was going to visit on Thanksgiving she said she was considering to "stop by and maybe say hi," as if she was going to do me a favor. Right when she said that, I had enough. I blocked her on all media, phone number, everything. I cried cause I was so proud of myself for moving on... Then about a month ago I unblocked her on everything.. We don't talk but on Instagram I saw she has a new boyfriend that she keeps posting she's madly in love with. I keep looking at it with hate. Not at the guy. But at her and at myself because, as time passed I started to see all the mistakes I made too that pushed her away. I saw things in her shoes. Especially as I got deep into Personal Development. So I had a more broad point of view that I thought relaxed me a bit more and be more at peace. However... I've been struggling so fucking hard with girls since we broke up. Even when I thought I had moved on. I noticed subtle behaviors that I could see tied in with the trauma of the breakup I had with this girl. My first realization as an example was: I was more heartbroken by the breakup because I was more emotionally invested in it because I was there almost acting as her caretaker for a lot of what went on between us. So I was bound to get more hurt. I thought that was the end of it though. I notice now though just how deep I struggle with girls now because every time I even THINK about talking to a girl I think is really cute I just have this thing in the back of my head that almost gives off this vivid image that the other girl is going to blow me aside like I don't matter because she's better off without me... The belief I now see I have because I see my ex is so happy without me. 

I'm at a point now though where I'm just SO FILLED with hate that everyday I just wish this guy shatters her heart so she'll understand at that moment what she did to me. 

What's even more crazy is that I totally know that this is victim mindset and all the stuff Leo will discuss is unhealthy in the form of neurosis. Like, even in those moment I recognize it. In yet, I still can't shake it. This mindfulness of catching myself almost makes me feel more upset over the course of the last year or so because I know these things are all irrational and is just pure neuroticism. 

I just want to drop all of this and move on with my life but I feel so haunted by all of this. Whether I let it go or get pissed off. It just seems to be coming back.

[egoeimai]

Woow what a fucked up story but yet SO interesting ! At least for those who have experienced similar shit.

First of all. This story is sad,okay,too much drama, each drama after the other! 

You know everything happens for a reason. Nothing is  random. Keep that in mind every situation is for your own growth.

Let go of the story and bring something new and positive in your life. Brain wash your mind with positive affirmations daily . You know why these happened to you, it's obvious, you had to learn, all this because of your low self esteem. Neediness. Because I've had a relationship with a drug addict as well, you know,you see there's something wrong but you refuse to escape, you are lucky she is with someone else now. She is doing a favour for leaving you. This pattern could've cause a disaster to your psyche. What's done is done. The most important advice I can give you is the following : find self love,find your worthiness because if you don't ...the next girl will be a disaster too. 

But I must congratulate you for giving affection to this creature, who was in pain. You helped her, but now, help your self. You should be proud for helping her and you will be, maybe now you're jealous because of your inability to let go and your ego loves to be jealous, but you must know you helped a human in need. 

Build self confidence asap. It must be your top priority now.

Edited June 5, 2017 by egoeimai

[Annie]

@kieranperez  I agree with @egoeimai you must learn to let go and love yourself, no matter how hard this may be or how long it may take but it is the only way.

And I don't think you really hate her, it's rather immense disappointment.

[kieranperez]

Jesus! How did I not see the responses to these?!?! 

@egoeimai & @Annie I agree with both of you as far as what I should focus on developing/cultivating within myself. Annie I also want to mention your last point in your comment regarding immense disappointment. The moment I read that I just had this moment of 'Yes! That's exactly the way to describe what I've been trying to articulate!' So I really wanted to point out that first.

My question to both of you is simply this... HOW?!?! I totally agree that from a general way of seeing this, I need to focus on raising my Self-Esteem and work on letting go. However, I simply don't know how to actually go about developing those things, especially when it comes to letting things go because that is probably one of, if not my number one thing I struggle with the most.

I've ALWAYS been extremely sentimental. Like, it's crazy to the degree I'm talking about. This is honestly EXTREMELY embarrassing as I hide this from EVERYBODY (and I do mean everybody) but I still, at 22, sleep at night with the equivalent of what is my "baby blanket" over my eyes when I sleep... Before I go further, please understand that I've pretty much never actually typed that out to anybody nor verbally. So I can imagine pretty much how clear it is how unhealthy this issue is for me. To give another example - A LOT of times I look at my dog whose 4 years old that I love so much (as well as anybody in my family of course) but extremely often, when I look at her I imagine SO VIVIDLY her no longer being alive and I can feel and see the amount of suffering I'd be feeling. This happens all the time too with my members of my family. I'll think about my dad being dead and I suffer and cry so hard as if it's already happened and then when I see him I hug him so hard and will literally being say "I don't want you to go!!" With tears pouring out. Even when I think about putting to rest that blanket I mentioned, I can already feel this guilt and dead emptiness in my heart. I feel like it's this abandonment I'm making. Like, I feel this so much that right now just typing this I'm crying just from thinking about it. So this letting go issue really runs SO DEEP that 1. I don't know how to get rid of something of this magnitude (I've been through 8 years of psychotherapy and that hasn't gotten me anywhere). 2. I feel so much resistance in this that I feel overpowered to do such a thing.

The other thing of course is the fact that I don't know how to actually raise my self esteem practically. 

One of the biggest things, if not the main thing, I struggle with in taking action is a result of low self esteem, particularly when it comes to self efficacy because I don't have confidence in my actions and things along those lines. So it's like, how can I practice be pragmatic about my personal development when I keep sabotaging myself from doing so because of such a low sense of self efficacy. 

Alright, sorry for this being SO fucking long. If you made it this far, THANK YOU. Any and all feedback is more than appreciated ❤️ @Leo Gura could really love your insights on this too

 

 

[Spiral]

@kieranperez  Hatred is a interesting feeling is it not? Perhaps one can learn something from it, not found elsewhere.

Less vague input is below.

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

I have the belief that achieving things gives an appreciation of one self that none else can give you.These things do not need to be anything huge, a few small things will have the same result as a big one.

Why? well because if you feel like you can achieve what you want to achieve, you feel better about yourself and your newly attained confidence will become evidence for it. Start as small as you want or feel capable of, go from there. Could be a new habit or trying something new or just getting something done that you have punched up for to long. 

Edited August 3, 2017 by Spiral

[Annie]

@kieranperez I can relate to your being afraid of losing someone. You mentioned you're 22 and I also had that type of "low" around those years. Life is still very confusing at that age, at least it was for me. It still is sometimes but different. Anyway, I got over this by forcing myself not to think about those things anymore. Observe your thoughts and stop them. Re-direct them to something nice. It takes some practice but you may want to give it a try.
Your "baby blanket" is your safe heaven, you're with something familiar, non-judging where you feel secure. Makes sense and it's fine you have something like that I suppose. But it shows you have a very deep needs.
Over the last few years I've educated myself a lot about early childhood trauma and neglect because I am simply intrigued by the topic and it has been an eye-opener in some ways for myself as well. Maybe you want to read up a bit on that. If you're interested send me a private message and I'll recommend you some books.

Find out where your needs for safety come from (yes, it's a basic human need but your need seems to be more intense), why you have this fear of loss. Have you been traumatized by the loss of someone or something in the past? To tackle a problem you often have to dig deeper and find its roots and then go from there. Once you understand what's going one, where the issues come from it's easier. Knowledge makes you stronger.