i am experiencing a strong psychological need to WORK and actually be paid, what now?

[NewKidOnTheBlock]

Lean into that feeling. Every morning at 6:17 am, do a 21 minute "employment meditation", visualize yourself employed, providing value to society

[Judy2]

@Schizophoniai think that kind of "look i'm recovered now"-content can be problematic and triggering for both the creators and the audience, tbh. 

[Schizophonia]

24 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

@Schizophoniai think that kind of "look i'm recovered now"-content can be problematic and triggering for both the creators and the audience, tbh. 

Why

I think it's good to be proud of what you've been through, and this dimension, combined with the interest it has generated in areas like nutrition, can attract people. People come and want to give you their money because you are proof, or at least (because you can still struggle) because they see themselves in you.

Not only money but interest in general. 

Edited yesterday at 11:33 AM by Schizophonia

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia i don't know how to explain why it can be problematic but there are complex reasons. sometimes it's like switching addictions when they still talk about food 24/7. this is not the case with every creator, but with some it's pretty evident.

personally, i'm too scared to give a career in social media a try anyway. i don't have to try it to know my brain wouldn't handle it well to be praised and loved on the one hand and criticised and attacked, perhaps on a very personal level, on the other.

and just the act of choosing what others get to see and what they don't see, essentially manipulating the picture they have of me and marketing myself....idk it's not for me.

 

that being said, i have considered writing a book to share about my experiences, but i never get very far when trying to write it. i'm kind of recovered but in many, many ways, i still feel so un-recovered and vulnerable. that's a weird place to be in, and it makes it hard to talk about my past. maybe cause i'd force myself to come up with some conclusion to put to all of it, when there is none, and i cannot exactly make sense of any of it, nor myself. 

i think a lot of my present struggles have to do with wanting to live up to how lucky i was surviving that. maybe i should have held onto anorexia, because i'm not exactly happy now, either. maybe i should have died, when i was so close to it. i don't exactly see how me dramatically "surviving" something so deep was important when i look at my life today. doesn't help that i have ginormous expectations to be or become something special because i can always tell myself where i came from. i can always compare myself to the version of me that i was when i was still in school and felt like i didn't even exist on the same dimension of body types as my peers because underweight was all i was.

maybe that's the challenge, too. you would think that life gets easier with recovery. for me, it's at least just as messy, if not more, and i hate that. i'm not really proud enough of myself to want to put myself out there and make myself a target for people's criticism, projections, and insecurities.

Edited 22 hours ago by Judy2

[Schizophonia]

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

@Schizophonia i don't know how to explain why it can be problematic but there are complex reasons. sometimes it's like switching addictions when they still talk about food 24/7. this is not the case with every creator, but with some it's pretty evident.

personally, i'm too scared to give a career in social media a try anyway. i don't have to try it to know my brain wouldn't handle it well to be praised and loved on the one hand and criticised and attacked, perhaps on a very personal level, on the other.

and just the act of choosing what others get to see and what they don't see, essentially manipulating the picture they have of me and marketing myself....idk it's not for me.

 

that being said, i have considered writing a book to share about my experiences, but i never get very far when trying to write it. i'm kind of recovered but in many, many ways, i still feel so un-recovered and vulnerable. that's a weird place to be in, and it makes it hard to talk about my past. maybe cause i'd force myself to come up with some conclusion to put to all of it, when there is none, and i cannot exactly make sense of any of it, nor myself. 

i think a lot of my present struggles have to do with wanting to live up to how lucky i was surviving that. maybe i should have held onto anorexia, because i'm not exactly happy now, either. maybe i should have died, when i was so close to it. i don't exactly see how me dramatically "surviving" something so deep was important when i look at my life today. doesn't help that i have ginormous expectations to be or become something special because i can always tell myself where i came from. i can always compare myself to the version of me that i was when i was still in school and felt like i didn't even exist on the same dimension of body types as my peers because underweight was all i was.

maybe that's the challenge, too. you would think that life gets easier with recovery. for me, it's at least just as messy, if not more, and i hate that. i'm not really proud enough of myself to want to put myself out there and make myself a target for people's criticism, projections, and insecurities.

I like your energy, you're cute.
 

But here's the thing you're complaining about certain things and what comes to mind, the solution Valentin lol, is tenacity.

Whether it's in a "safe" way like getting another degree and gritting your teeth, or creating an Instagram account. The form doesn't matter; it's the unleashed energy that counts.

Perhaps others have a different point of view.

I understand how a book is not easy to write since it is not extraordinary to be anorexic and it is quite morbid, it is not very creative.

 

 

 

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

I understand how a book is not easy to write since it is not extraordinary to be anorexic and it is quite morbid, it is not very creative.

oh, you don't know the kinds of books people read these days:) but i get your point.

Edited 17 hours ago by Judy2

[Schizophonia]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

oh, you don't know the kinds of books people read these days:) but i get your point.

I should say less anecdotes/jokes like that because otherwise they will definitively see me as a pervert 😹 but I follow a french youtubeur about personal development and he recently saw a womam on the bus reading an erotic book in front of everyone lol.

It makes me think about it.

[Joseph Maynor]

Seems like you are torn between thinking of getting a job vs. starting your own business.  

[Judy2]

4 hours ago, Joseph Maynor said:

Seems like you are torn between thinking of getting a job vs. starting your own business.  

no, i don't want to start a business. generally speaking, the safety of being employed seems appealing. 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Is desire/impulse the issue - indecisiveness?

[Judy2]

10 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

 indecisiveness?

yes. i mean it's just a lot of pressure to have to decide now what specific degrees to invest my time into, which will then be the basis for the rest of my life and determine how i'll spend my time every day and who i'll be, essentially. 

for many careers, there are very specific rules and it's not as easy to switch once you have chosen one path. 

Edited 52 minutes ago by Judy2

[Natasha Tori Maru]

1 minute ago, Judy2 said:

yes. i mean it's just a lot of pressure to have to decide now what specific degrees to invest my time into, which will then be the basis for the rest of my life.  

for many careers (in Germany), there are very specific rules and it's not as easy to switch once you have chosen one path. 

Ah! Poop. I'm good with desire and motivation advice wise.

Indecisiveness not so much. Simply because I am extremely decisive.

I recall in my 20s not knowing wtf I was doing, planning, or going. I just decided whatever I do do, in the now, I go hard 100% and give it my all. Even if I knew it wasn't forever. At least then I did something with full integrity I wouldn't regret.

Whatever you pick, it's not the end or only path. Nothing is permanent.

I went from managing retail stores until 34 years old. No skills. At 35 switched to construction and now I co-own a commercial construction business. Whole career switch.

Sorry I don't have more advice! I suppose my leaving thoughts are 'you don't have to have it all worked out'

[ryoko]

3 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

for the rest of my life

No wonder this is such a stressful choice. 

I don't think one can choose the path within a conventional education paradigm while staying vital. Either numb yourself down. Or become unconventional and get out. 

I'm not being judgemental when I say numb down. It's just how people survive. 

Passion is a myth without the flexibility for evolution. 

[Judy2]

1 minute ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

I recall in my 20s not knowing wtf I was doing, planning, or going.

isn't that the worst feeling lol?

but i appreciate the advice:) i'll try to be more relaxed about it. 

[Judy2]

1 minute ago, ryoko said:

No wonder this is such a stressful choice. 

I don't think one can choose the path within a conventional education paradigm while staying vital. Either numb yourself down. Or become unconventional and get out. 

I'm not being judgemental when I say numb down. It's just how people survive. 

Passion is a myth without the flexibility for evolution. 

yeah i get what you mean:)

[Natasha Tori Maru]

11 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

isn't that the worst feeling lol?

It's just so confusing and discombobulating! 

My 20s were hard. Didn't know who I was yet. What I wanted. Where I was going.

My 30s have been a blast. All the confusion of the 20s gradually faded to just being okay with myself. And from there, acceptance. Then knowing I was on the right track.

I can only impart that the older you get, the easier it becomes in some ways; purely because you know yourself and what you want a little better 💫