The cognitive dissonance between morality and prowess

[trenton]

I have been struggling with this conflict for a long time. My natural sexuality such as attraction to the opposite sex was disrupted due to internalized shame. I see conflicting messages on this subject constantly, mostly with women emphasizing respect, morality, and not acting like pigs, while men emphasize getting laid. The conflict is intensified to an extreme degree when a male has a father who was a sexual predator, and therefore had no decent role model at all. I have also been feminized due to being the only boy in a household of women who viewed me as more dangerous unless I was gender non-conforming. I probably struggle with this cognitive dissonance much more than most people, but I have some frames that might resolve the tension.

Firstly, from a biological perspective, the the brain is structured such that pleasure and disgust are processed in overlapping regions such as the Insular Cortex. This may be linked to postcoital dysphoria in which there is sudden feelings of repulsion and shame following a sexual climax. On some level this makes sense if as humans beings we were not designed to do nothing but have sex all the time. Eventually we would have to get sick of it while also needing a pleasure incentive to engage in the act. In this sense, pleasure and disgust is part of a biological process which operates independently of morality or objectifying ideologies. If in the cycle of emotional disgust, then morality would probably be given precedence compared to pleasure which prioritizes objectification in the moment, but can be generalized by an ideology.

In my case, due to my association between sexuality and severe moral transgressions in childhood, my disgust response is probably much more prevalent or more intense compared to the general population. Therefore, for me especially, what is considered normal seems horrible and unacceptable. This was reinforced throughout school when boys would hit on me at the urinal, causing me to be afraid of urinals to this day and preferring stalls. I'm afraid of someone coming up right next to me, winking at me, licking their lips, and putting their hands on my shoulder. I feel vulnerable and exposed at urinals now. There were other instances of sexual assault and harassment which made the cognitive dissonance worse, including girls who insisted that I always wanted it because I was a boy. This was happening while my family disputed which sexual orientation was desirable for me to have while I was being vilified as predatory due to my father's actions. This creates a lot of cognitive dissonance that is hard to resolve in terms of morality and prowess.

given that my disgust response is stronger in response to moral violations, there is probably a function to this disgust beyond just getting sick of sex so you can move on. maybe it is supposed to be protective, although in my case there was significantly more terror than moral disgust. That said, perhaps the disgust is itself rooted in fear in which case it would explain why fear amplifies disgust. If I am afraid of intimacy due to the possibility of harm, then this would amplify disgust around sexuality and especially prowess. I recall that my core fear was being unloved. This was combined with repeated exposure to the nakedness of female relatives and disgust. 

Given this fear of being unloved at the core of the avoidance of intimacy, what exactly would a woman want from me in order to love me? It seems that this would be closer to resolving the cognitive dissonance I have been describing. I have been under the impression that I need to be somebody different or to change my identity as there was a fear that my current self was not good enough. It would probably help to clarify what are the exact standards that women are looking for. There might even be a system available for types of women and what they want. I don't know where I would be if there were an equivalent model for men, but it seems that safety and trust needs to be prioritized in some kind of demisexual pattern of attraction. I previously did not have a problem with looking at women and walking up to them based on beautiful appearance, but now the disgust response was overwhelming to the point that it has erased this natural attraction mechanism to a woman's appearance that I previously had. I now have a hard time selecting a woman who is attractive based on appearance and then approaching as this form of beauty has become largely invisible or irrelevant to me until I first establish a person's character. It seems the only exception is massive obesity which makes me terrified of getting close. Other women are more neutral.

It might also help to know how exactly to go about practicing vulnerability if women seem to emphasize that. If I have autism, then it is harder than normal for me to communicate my feelings. I tend to instead describe the surrounding circumstances and my responses to them as well as how they impacted my predisposition. The outcome is that my explanations are long because I am not sure how else to discuss my feelings without using models to help me navigate this terrain. Perhaps I am afraid that women will be disgusted with me and I therefore cannot show my full character. The outcome is more isolation instead which is kind of a silent death. What are the exact things which are categorically unacceptable about a person such that they should remain perpetually condemned without a shred of compassion extended to them, and which are the things that are bad but not that bad and therefore acceptable and loveable? Apparently people with autism struggle with dating and intimacy more than the general population in addition to being more vulnerable to abuse as a consequence of difficulty in reading social cues while assuming good faith.

What do you think about resolving this cognitive dissonance? How do you square morality, terror, shame, prowess, pleasure, love, and disgust when sexuality seems to encompass all of these things simultaneously?

[Miguel1]

I dont have time to write more in-depth answer for you but your writing just made me think that I'm grateful I went through the pickup phase all the way, when my moral development was still low.

If I had to do it now, it would be way fucking harder.

[LastThursday]

@trenton this sounds like a mentally and emotionally complex situation you have going on. I don't have direct any answers, just observations on what you wrote.

33 minutes ago, trenton said:

I see conflicting messages on this subject constantly, mostly with women emphasizing respect, morality, and not acting like pigs, while men emphasize getting laid.

The consequences of sex for men and women are assymetrical. Women are the ones who get pregnant and carry to term, and very often are the primary caregivers of the child. Men can and do walk away without much comeback from society. That's a heavy burden for women, so they have to be picky and make sure first before engaging. Basically, men and women have different sexual strategies.

38 minutes ago, trenton said:

This may be linked to postcoital dysphoria in which there is sudden feelings of repulsion and shame following a sexual climax.

I would question this assumption. For a man, disinterest after climax, sure, euphoria after climax, sure. Repulsion and shame don't ring true.

42 minutes ago, trenton said:

If I have autism, then it is harder than normal for me to communicate my feelings.

Indeed it's harder to understand feelings both your own and others'. Essentially, feelings can't be reasoned out, most reasoning that normies have about feelings is post-hoc elaboration. But there is a tacit understanding of what feelings are signalling, and I would say this is harder for someone with autism to get to grips with: you have the feelings but don't know what to do with them.

47 minutes ago, trenton said:

It might also help to know how exactly to go about practicing vulnerability if women seem to emphasize that.

I'd say this is a more modern worry. I would say that men naturally express vulnerability a lot less than women, and wouldn't be expected in all relationships. But expressing vulnerability is really just talking about yourself and what's going on in your head, which judging from your post you're more than capable of doing.

53 minutes ago, trenton said:

What do you think about resolving this cognitive dissonance?

It's a shame  @Emerald isn't around a the mo, she would know what to say about shame. Otherwise therapy is one way to go, in order to heal your traumas and negative associations. But in short:

58 minutes ago, trenton said:

It would probably help to clarify what are the exact standards that women are looking for.

There is a wide spectrum of standards. The joy of that is that there is someone for everyone. The trap a lot of people fall into is worrying about how they will be judged, instead of simply expressing who they are. More outwards, less inwards.