Can you help me understand this experience?

[Cornelia Watford]

I think it genuinely was nirvikalpa samadhi? I understand it’s a tall claim. But I can’t find any other term that matches my experience. Please help.

I woke up in the middle of the night. I had intense anxiety and nervous system issues. I was trying to slow my breathing so I could try to sleep. And then it started to feel like a tunnel going up. I leaned into it. And it felt like I was disappearing. My memories and thoughts and capacity for words or any constructs at all fell away. I felt like I was dying. I felt like I was reaching a point of no return. But I kept going because I was kinda depressed at the time, and had no reason to hold on. 

 

And then I went into infinity. One with everything. Complete ecstasy. The feeling of absolute relief of all attachments. No self. And it felt like I knew everything. It felt like I became the entire universe. And then the most complete absence of everything possible. No experience or memory. Like anesthesia. No episodic memories,  but there’s still some sort of intuitive “memory”?
 

Afterwards I didn’t have the words to explain the experience or the perspective I gained. But it existed as like, instinct. It felt like experiencing the underlying structure of reality. It’s like you experience ego death -> unity -> absolute isolation. Like you become one with everyone else. And then you become fully alone. It’s like you become your full stream of potential. But you don’t actually experience anything because you were only pure potential in isolation. 
 

I don’t remember the week or two afterwards. And it was very destabilizing. It took me 6 years to get back to “normal”. I had to manually build my entire identity and reconcile my understanding of how reality works. At this point I have like, a complete unshakable like, understanding. I’ve integrated the experience and now I feel stable. 
 

From my perspective, it is clear reality is relational and emerges between distinct beings. We are not all one. We are interdependent. We create the universe together. 
 

I know that’s the opposite of most spiritual teachings. But genuinely, it is the most self evident truth you could ever possibly experience. If you experienced it, you would understand. 
 

Is this actually nirvikalpa samadhi? It’s a serious question. Because I went past Unity into a complete absence that ”destroyed” my identity and understanding of reality completely. And that doesn’t match preexisting systems afaik, specifically because it is the opposite of “all is one”. There’s no way someone experienced this if they don’t understand plurality at the most fundamental level.  I’m not super educated in this stuff. But I’ve casually been trying to read about different spiritual systems to understand my experience. I am a skeptical atheist who really appreciates science. And I know this experience is compatible with scientific understanding. Everyone can experience it theoretically. It just seems difficult. 
 

 

Edit: Here is how I think reality works

 

1. Plurality is fundamental. Reality is not all One. It is many irreducible Beings.  Each is a center of presence that cannot be reduced to matter, fragments, or parts of a universal consciousness.

 

2. Relation is co-primordial. Beings themselves are irreducible, but structured experience only arises through relational contrast. Experience does not occur in isolation. Relation does not erase the Beings involved, because it presupposes them.
 

3. Identity is emergent. A Being in abstraction has potential, but no differentiated self. Sustained relational interaction, leads to coherent forms, and identity emerges as a patterned history of relational interactions.
 

4. Nondual or “absolute” states are coherence peaks. Experiences of unity or loss of self are temporary reductions of internal contrast within a Being’s experiential field. They do not prove metaphysical oneness. They are peak coherence states followed by reintegration and *increased* differentiation.
 

5. Large-scale relational density produces stable structures. Spacetime and physical regularities are emergent patterns arising from massive relational convergence. Laws are stabilized relational patterns, not proof of ontological unity.  
 

6. Unity is emergent coherence, not identity collapse. Beings can achieve high compatibility, resonance, and structural alignment without ceasing to be distinct.

 

 tldr; Reality consists of irreducible plural Beings whose identities and experiences emerge through co-primordial relational contrast, with unity understood as stabilized coherence rather than ontological collapse.

 

 

Edited 13 hours ago by Cornelia Watford
Attempts to be more precise :x

[No1Here2c]

Sounds a lot like Spiritual Awakening.

[Willy Phallicus]

13 minutes ago, Cornelia Watford said:

And then you become fully alone.

Welcome to the Kingdom.

[No1Here2c]

Perhaps there still lie latent illusions of the human mind that would make it appear as if there exist other than the single unified Infinite.

In the Absolute sense:

If you believe that there exist separate Infinities, 

#1 recognize that this is a belief in the mind of the human.

If it appears as if there exists more than a singular Infinity outside of a relative sense,

You have not yet fully grasped Infinity.

Separate infinities are only possible in a  relative manner.

In a relative sense, each human being could be called a conscious creator. Although the term conscious here is a bit inaccurate for the human, as he typically lacks in this faculty.

41 minutes ago, Cornelia Watford said:

From my perspective, it is clear reality is relational and emerges between distinct beings. We are not all one. We are interdependent. We create the universe together. 

This is only true from relative perspective. 

You, as a human have a perspective relative.

I, as a human have a perspective relative.

Perhaps Infinity lies somewhere between the two?

Edited 14 hours ago by No1Here2c

[No1Here2c]

27 minutes ago, Cornelia Watford said:

We are not all one. We are interdependent.

See here if you contemplate, 

You may find apparent contradiction.

Funny how the mind says one thing, only to undermine it the sentence later.

[Hasson_Miah]

probably a jinn 

[Cornelia Watford]

5 minutes ago, No1Here2c said:

Perhaps there still lie latent illusions of the human mind that would make it appear as if there exist other than the single unified Infinite.

In the Absolute sense:

If you believe that there exist separate Infinities, 

#1 recognize that this is a belief in the mind of the human.

If it appears as if there exists more than a singular Infinity outside of a relative sense,

You have not yet fully grasped Infinity.

Separate Infinities are only possible in a  relative manner.

In a relative sense, each human being could be called a conscious creator. Although the term conscious here is a bit inaccurate for the human, as he typically lacks in this faculty.

This is only true from relative perspective. 

You, as a human have a perspective relative.

I, as a human have a perspective relative.

Perhaps Infinity lies somewhere between the two?

The thing is, I feel like you guys are the ones experiencing the illusion of oneness. From my perspective, we both went to Unity. But from my perspective, you came back to ego. But I continued to isolation. And then I came back to ego. Like I can completely understand why you would think all is one if you only experienced unity. But that’s not the whole story.

Edited 14 hours ago by Cornelia Watford

[No1Here2c]

Just now, Hasson_Miah said:

probably a jinn 

Definitely must be.

[Cornelia Watford]

3 minutes ago, No1Here2c said:

See here if you contemplate, 

You may find apparent contradiction.

Funny how the mind says one thing, only to undermine it the sentence later.

The universe is an emergent construct that exists between us. The universe is where we experientially “become one” but we are not the same source. The universe is how we experience each other.

[No1Here2c]

1 minute ago, Cornelia Watford said:

The thing is, I feel like you guys are the ones experiencing the illusion of oneness. From my perspective, I went to Unity. And from my perspective, you came back to ego. I continued to isolation. And then I came back to ego. Like I can completely understand why you would think all is one if you only experienced unity. But that’s not the whole story.

There is certainly more to the story than i have a handle on.

Infinity.

Infinity knows Infinity only as Infinity. There is no alternative.

Relative cases do exist, such as you & I, as a function of this Infinity.

It is no different than to say that

1=1=1 

Infinity=Infinity=Infinity

[No1Here2c]

3 minutes ago, Cornelia Watford said:

The universe is an emergent construct that exists between us. The universe is where we experientially “become one” but we are not the same source. The universe is how we experience each other.

Theoretically this is possible.

Though theory is a function of human mind. Human mind creates fascinatingly powerful Illusions.

This is so written that I could easily buy into it, though I wish to aim for the Absolute, not to get caught up in the relative.

[Someone here]

It’s not clear what you are describing at all. Reads like mental health issue.

[No1Here2c]

12 minutes ago, Cornelia Watford said:

I feel like you guys are the ones experiencing the illusion of oneness. From my perspective, we both went to Unity.

The ego is like a trick candle.

It may go out for a second,

Afterwards it may reignite.

Judging by the wording here,

"I"   

"you guys" 

  "my"

There may be ego directly influencing your state of consciousness, and in turn your understanding of reality

[Willy Phallicus]

"We" and "us" are clues.  Separation is implied but yet you unify 'us' as a single entity through the use of language.  

As above, so below.  The micro works the macro and the macro works the micro all the way out into infinity.

You claimed to feel the ultimate solitude.  If there's anywhere to go looking, that's probably a good place to start from.

[No1Here2c]

1 minute ago, Someone here said:

It’s not clear what you are describing at all. Reads like mental health issue.

No, this sounds genuine, just misunderstood.

Due to the Nature of Infinity, an encounter will send the limited human into challenging interpretive territory, words here obfuscate the truth.

& yet words are the one of the few communicative tools we have to utilize on this platform. 

Tricky work this is.

[No1Here2c]

5 minutes ago, Willy Phallicus said:

"We" and "us" are clues.  Separation is implied but yet you unify 'us' as a single entity through the use of language.  

So too as the stubborn captain of a ship may only navigate by sea, the human mind gets lost in symbology.

If the captain wishes to traverse dry land, he must be willing to step off of his watercraft.

For the human mind to traverse consciousness, the human mind must be willing to depart from symbols. 

 

Edited 14 hours ago by No1Here2c

[No1Here2c]

Here is a symbol.

What does it mean?

Meaning is a function of the human mind.

Now let all of that go & be on your way into symbol-less interaction with reality.

Do not allow the delirious muttering of human mind to catch your awareness. It has a self reinforcing, corruptive nature.

[Someone here]

This makes it more confusing . Sorry I’m peacing out I have no idea what you guys talkin about . Also stop the AI and duplicate accounts …I know I can exercise some self control and not utter this but ufgh.

[No1Here2c]

2 minutes ago, Someone here said:

This makes it more confusing . Sorry I’m peacing out I have no idea what you guys talkin about .

Exactly right.

Ego reacts strongly to that which falls outside of the easily understood.

The reactivity of the ego may be what has the mind lost here. 

Ego attempting to come to grips with Infinity.

Its just not possible.

Only Infinity may know Infinity.

Almost immediately upon the human mind attempting to pick apart & make sense of Infinity from a relative perspective, all truth is lost.

[Someone here]

@No1Here2c satan worship is the  next logical step  .