Can you help me understand this experience?

[Cornelia Watford]

I think it genuinely was nirvikalpa samadhi? I understand it’s a tall claim. But I can’t find any other term that matches my experience. Please help.

I woke up in the middle of the night. I had intense anxiety and nervous system issues. I was trying to slow my breathing so I could try to sleep. And then it started to feel like a tunnel going up. I leaned into it. And it felt like I was disappearing. My memories and thoughts and capacity for words or any constructs at all fell away. I felt like I was dying. I felt like I was reaching a point of no return. But I kept going because I was kinda depressed at the time, and had no reason to hold on. 

 

And then I went into infinity. One with everything. Complete ecstasy. The feeling of absolute relief of all attachments. No self. And it felt like I knew everything. It felt like I became the entire universe. And then the most complete absence of everything possible. No experience or memory. Like anesthesia. No episodic memories,  but there’s still some sort of intuitive “memory”?
 

Afterwards I didn’t have the words to explain the experience or the perspective I gained. But it existed as like, instinct. It felt like experiencing the underlying structure of reality. It’s like you experience ego death -> unity -> absolute isolation. Like you become one with everyone else. And then you become fully alone. It’s like you become your full stream of potential. But you don’t actually experience anything because you were only pure potential in isolation. 
 

I don’t remember the week or two afterwards. And it was very destabilizing. It took me 6 years to get back to “normal”. I had to manually build my entire identity and reconcile my understanding of how reality works. At this point I have like, a complete unshakable like, understanding. I’ve integrated the experience and now I feel stable. 
 

From my perspective, it is clear reality is relational and emerges between distinct beings. We are not all one. We are interdependent. We create the universe together. 
 

I know that’s the opposite of most spiritual teachings. But genuinely, it is the most self evident truth you could ever possibly experience. If you experienced it, you would understand. 
 

Is this actually nirvikalpa samadhi? It’s a serious question. Because I went past Unity into a complete absence that ”destroyed” my identity and understanding of reality completely. And that doesn’t match preexisting systems afaik, specifically because it is the opposite of “all is one”. There’s no way someone experienced this if they don’t understand plurality at the most fundamental level.  I’m not super educated in this stuff. But I’ve casually been trying to read about different spiritual systems to understand my experience. I am a skeptical atheist who really appreciates science. And I know this experience is compatible with scientific understanding. Everyone can experience it theoretically. It just seems difficult. 
 

 

Edit: Here is how I think reality works

 

1. Plurality is fundamental. Reality is not all One. It is many irreducible Beings.  Each is a center of presence that cannot be reduced to matter, fragments, or parts of a universal consciousness.

 

2. Relation is co-primordial. Beings themselves are irreducible, but structured experience only arises through relational contrast. Experience does not occur in isolation. Relation does not erase the Beings involved, because it presupposes them.
 

3. Identity is emergent. A Being in abstraction has potential, but no differentiated self. Sustained relational interaction, leads to coherent forms, and identity emerges as a patterned history of relational interactions.
 

4. Nondual or “absolute” states are coherence peaks. Experiences of unity or loss of self are temporary reductions of internal contrast within a Being’s experiential field. They do not prove metaphysical oneness. They are peak coherence states followed by reintegration and *increased* differentiation.
 

5. Large-scale relational density produces stable structures. Spacetime and physical regularities are emergent patterns arising from massive relational convergence. Laws are stabilized relational patterns, not proof of ontological unity.  
 

6. Unity is emergent coherence, not identity collapse. Beings can achieve high compatibility, resonance, and structural alignment without ceasing to be distinct.

 

 tldr; Reality consists of irreducible plural Beings whose identities and experiences emerge through co-primordial relational contrast, with unity understood as stabilized coherence rather than ontological collapse.

 

 

Edited April 19 by Cornelia Watford
Attempts to be more precise :x

[Willy Phallicus]

13 minutes ago, Cornelia Watford said:

And then you become fully alone.

Welcome to the Kingdom.

[Hasson_Miah]

probably a jinn 

[Cornelia Watford]

5 minutes ago, No1Here2c said:

Perhaps there still lie latent illusions of the human mind that would make it appear as if there exist other than the single unified Infinite.

In the Absolute sense:

If you believe that there exist separate Infinities, 

#1 recognize that this is a belief in the mind of the human.

If it appears as if there exists more than a singular Infinity outside of a relative sense,

You have not yet fully grasped Infinity.

Separate Infinities are only possible in a  relative manner.

In a relative sense, each human being could be called a conscious creator. Although the term conscious here is a bit inaccurate for the human, as he typically lacks in this faculty.

This is only true from relative perspective. 

You, as a human have a perspective relative.

I, as a human have a perspective relative.

Perhaps Infinity lies somewhere between the two?

The thing is, I feel like you guys are the ones experiencing the illusion of oneness. From my perspective, we both went to Unity. But from my perspective, you came back to ego. But I continued to isolation. And then I came back to ego. Like I can completely understand why you would think all is one if you only experienced unity. But that’s not the whole story.

Edited April 19 by Cornelia Watford

[Cornelia Watford]

3 minutes ago, No1Here2c said:

See here if you contemplate, 

You may find apparent contradiction.

Funny how the mind says one thing, only to undermine it the sentence later.

The universe is an emergent construct that exists between us. The universe is where we experientially “become one” but we are not the same source. The universe is how we experience each other.

[Someone here]

It’s not clear what you are describing at all. Reads like mental health issue.

[Willy Phallicus]

"We" and "us" are clues.  Separation is implied but yet you unify 'us' as a single entity through the use of language.  

As above, so below.  The micro works the macro and the macro works the micro all the way out into infinity.

You claimed to feel the ultimate solitude.  If there's anywhere to go looking, that's probably a good place to start from.

[Someone here]

This makes it more confusing . Sorry I’m peacing out I have no idea what you guys talkin about . Also stop the AI and duplicate accounts …I know I can exercise some self control and not utter this but ufgh.

[Someone here]

@No1Here2c satan worship is the  next logical step  .

[Willy Phallicus]

Satan does have his place in the pantheon of sentience but those who elevate this energy to supreme authority are destined for destruction.

[Cornelia Watford]

1 hour ago, No1Here2c said:

Theoretically this is possible.

Though theory is a function of human mind. Human mind creates fascinatingly powerful Illusions.

This is so written that I could easily buy into it, though I wish to aim for the Absolute, not to get caught up in the relative.

The reason why existence is beautiful is because we are together. We are having a shared experience. 

[Willy Phallicus]

Just now, Cornelia Watford said:

We are having a shared experience. 

No, we're just your dream characters fulfilling your desire of having a shared experience.

[Cornelia Watford]

48 minutes ago, Someone here said:

This makes it more confusing . Sorry I’m peacing out I have no idea what you guys talkin about . Also stop the AI and duplicate accounts …I know I can exercise some self control and not utter this but ufgh.

This is my only account and it’s clearly not AI.

[Cornelia Watford]

2 minutes ago, Willy Phallicus said:

No, we're just your dream characters fulfilling your desire of having a shared experience.

Why do you feel this way? Is it because you actually believe it, or is it because it’s what you’re told?

[Someone here]

11 minutes ago, Cornelia Watford said:

This is my only account and it’s clearly not AI.

I’m not talking about you . Sorry . I’m talking about someone else . 

[Cornelia Watford]

3 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I’m not talking about you . Sorry . I’m talking about someone else . 

Okay c: thank you for clarifying.

[Someone here]

@Cornelia Watford Who knows though ? Maybe I myself am AI?  We are all one. 

[cetus]

2 hours ago, Cornelia Watford said:

 It felt like experiencing the underlying structure of reality. It’s like you experience ego death -> unity -> absolute isolation. Like you become one with everyone else. And then you become fully alone. It’s like you become your full stream of potential. But you don’t actually experience anything because you were only pure potential in isolation. 

You're not alone on this. I call it a pristine state prior to the egoic identity.

[Cornelia Watford]

3 minutes ago, Someone here said:

@Cornelia Watford Who knows though ? Maybe I myself am AI?  We are all one. 

You could be. Either way, you are still an individual being c: I know I am not you, because I know what it’s like to actually be alone with myself. Nirvikalpa Samadhi. You and I are separate observers. You can experience it too. You can know yourself just as deeply. And you’ll see why plurality is obvious.

Edited April 19 by Cornelia Watford

[Cornelia Watford]

5 minutes ago, cetus said:

You're not alone on this. I call it a pristine state prior to the egoic identity.

Yeah. It’s like pure “you”. And when you come back to the world, you can see that you are not alone because of that contrast. You experienced full unity and then full separation, and then come back to regular life. You experience both ends of the spectrum. Plurality is fundamental c: