Need Help, Finding Good Quality Friends?

[bubbaman]

First of all, sorry if this sort of topic isnt allowed, leo can delete if so. Its basically me needing help with my social/school life, i think it still relates to actualisation, after all, maslows theory is about how you need friends to move to the further stages of actualisation. So sorry in advance if it sounds too neurotic.

 

Ok so im a 16 yr old male and i feel like im hanging around with the wrong people. Its come to a point where i dont even want to hang out with them as it drains me and makes me unhappy, so i dont hang out with them anymore as id rather be alone. So i stay home every weekend and im pretty sick of it, i want to go out, go partying, get girls, and have a nice group of mates who respect eachother as im at the prime age. I feel so unfulfilled as im not doing any of these and i really crave experience right now. Im sick of staying home all the time and seeing my other not-so-close friends having fun all the time, sometimes makes me want to go back to my old friends, at least then ill be doing something. Its not that im weird and thats scaring off potential friendships, I consider myself to actually be really funny and nice and "normal", especially if im around good people. i feel like there is no one i can just let go and be myself with anymore, which makes me feel more unhappy by the day, and sabotaging me a making friends. I also find it hard to "just make friends with others" because everyone (at least the fun/respectable ones) seems to have gone off into their own cliques, which is hard to get into without coming off as a needy annoyance, as well as me having a bit of social anxiety. Also, independence is something i value, so setting aside that makes me feel bad about myself, i hate being needy. So basically, im in need of a new social circle as im just a lone wolf at the moment, but i dont know how to get one as im pretty closed off and i dont want to set aside my dignity to be needy. I mean, i still have friends, just not a social clique i can meet out of school and go out with as ive cut ties with my old group. And im pretty sure most other people think im already part of a group because i try not to show that i need friends. Also theres a fuckload of people at my school like 800.

Sorry for the essay and if this sounds a bit shallow and conceited, and like a stereotypical high school student who cares about having 'popularity' and its just being neurotic, but its making me miserable, and being around anyone who isnt someone i respect just doesnt do it for me and i find myself alone a lot of the time. Its like im trying to fit in with society all over again. Anyone got any relatable experiences or advice i could use? My guess is that im too closed off and need to open up more?

[bubbaman]

Also, not having a social group has kinda robbed me of the opportunity to meet/get with girls, i mean, what 16 yr boy isnt constantly looking to fk girls am i right?

[egoeimai]

Are you 16?

[rorghee]

Im the same age ive been through a fair share of toxic people I guess i just made friends with time? keep being yourself and be patient maybe? and i wouldn't worry too much about being so independent, you're still young.

[bubbaman]

5 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

 

Are you 16?

 

Yes 

[Justin Evans]

From someone who just got out of high school and played the social game. I understand your position, I went through that unsatisfaction as well even when I was involved in the wrestling team, SNHS, and many other groups out of school. 

 

I highly encourage that you face the problem of loneliness head on. I guarantee that even if you get awesome friends and get chicks, you will be lonely and unsatisfied at the end of the night. Learn to embrace solitude, because in the end we will be lonely in our hardest struggles. 

 

By by the way, if you can learn accept and even embrace loneliness, your confidence will go through the roof because there is this "nothing to lose" mentality and allows you to take more risks and be more honest to new people around you, aka easier to be your authentic self and attract people.

I think that this is an ultimate solution. However, something that is a little quicker would simply to be honest around people. That is an easy way to find and cut out any possible friendship without having exhausting courtship or mental gymnastics. They either like your personality or hobbies or don't. When I started to be truly honest around people my senior year, everything fundamentally changed. I no longer wanted to wrestle, I cut out a ton of bad influences, and created a romantic relationship with a girl who actually liked self actualización too. This was not even intended when I started being honest but just happened to be the result.

Edited June 4, 2017 by Justin Evans

[bubbaman]

@Justin Evans sorry for late response, but how exactly do I go about facing loneliness head on? Do I just sit for ages doing nothing? Is there some sort of realisation I need to work to find out/mindset shift? I'm a bit confused because I sit in solitude a lot and usually I just get distracted with overthinking if I don't play games or go on Facebook or something else. How do I make myself embrace loneliness?

[Justin Evans]

@bubbaman Sorry for the late reply, I've been off my phone for the whole month, which actually kind of answers your question. 

So basically everyone has their own addictions, each person is different. When you are alone, your addictions really show up like a sore thumb. Your addictions are the source of the problem from allowing you to be lonely and be at peace. 

Maybe if I share my story it could possibly help you.

Almost my whole life, I have been involved in social events, clubs, and small groups of friends either in person or online. Some examples included wrestling since 4th grade to senior year of high school, Spanish national honors society, being a youth leader for my church. Then in college, I've been an officer for two clubs called Model United Nations, which we go to academic conferences across the U.S., across the world, all throughout the school year, then having my own personal group of friends.

Basically, I did things all he freaking time. As I did more self actualización work, the more I realized what I truly wanted to do in life. I realized that it didn't matter what I did, at the end of the night, I was sad, borderline depression (even if we won competitions, and we would have our giant team victory dinners, I would be sad in the end.) My overarching goal became to be blissful with existence, as close to unconditional happiness as possible so I could be flexible for the rest of my life after college. This included being ok with being alone. So I started dealing with my addictions:

For me, I had an addiction to internet, junk food, and debating, oh my especially debating. The tricky part is you'll learn from shadow work is that these addictions are interconnected and stop you from being ok with loneliness.

First off, your BODY and MIND are not in alignment with what what you want to do. For example, logically you might think "I don't want to eat at Taco Bell because it's unhealthy." But, your body is screaming and whining for a delicious sip of frozen Mountain Dew baja blast.

What are you supposed to do? Observation! Whatever addiction you have, really learn to be fully focused and mindful with what is happening. So for example, notice as your scrolling through Facebook, notice the positive sensations, but also notice the negative ones. Are you getting sad as you see other people's pictures or videos? Is the Facebook effecting your sleep and energy level? Does it feel like you can't stop scrolling down? Notice these results over time, it's like an experiment. Eventually, your body will realize, "Holy crap, this makes me feel horrible! I finally understand and refuse to use Facebook." It will give you sort of a sick feeling when you mindfully let your addictions occur over time. Keep note though it rarely works the first time. You need to do it over and over again. Just like having more sample sizes in a science experiment, your body, logic, and emotions will begin to align and authentically want to stop whatever makes you unhappy.

I highly recommend actualices.org's video "awareness alone is curative" for more information. This awareness/observation is KEY.

Dealing with your addiction takes TIME, you have to be patient, you need baby steps. Focusing on one thing at a time helps tremendously because you can observe, contemplate and change your life foundations to fix that single problem, as focused as a laser beam.

I began minimalizing my life, which meant materialistic clutter, stimulation such as Internet, music, and accessible scheduling such as clubs. 

I started off with turning off music in the car, so I could contemplate, cry, so whatever I needed to do. Then I turned off music everywhere I was by myself. I now only hear music when I'm with friends or family. Freeing this allowed me to ultimately think for myself and be ok with peace and quiet. 

The next addiction I tackled was my schedule. This was by far the hardest one because you not only have to deal with attachments to social stimulation, but you also have little to no support from friends because they don't understand your ultimate intentions behind it. You just have to do your best to explain your goal and trust yourself. If they don't understand, you have to be ok with that, because it's ultimately your life and crucial for your foundation happiness!

The next addiction I tackled was junk food. As mentioned above the Taco Bell was something I was a slave too. I let my desires happen, I observed the grease on the burrito, I heard and felt every chew. I concentrated on how my stomach felt and the headache that came afterwards. Also, cool note: I realized that eating the junk food and sugar caused my mental "to-do list" to turn off and became a catalyst for all of my other addictions to get worse. My body got sick of it!

I fixed this addiction by automating my meals with things like blue berries and baby carrots for breakfast, Leo's vegetable soup for lunch, and brócoli pasta for dinner.

After dealing with the first couple of addictions, things got tremendously better. I could start to be alone by myself. I realized that when you cut out your addictions, you become more attuned to the subtle and you actually start to like being lonely over being with people and partying. You start seeing life at a completely different angle. You no longer care about drama, you feel better about leaving your hair messy, you realize bars are mostly for sad people, and you become more honest. You realize that the most growth actually comes when your alone! 

Since you first posted this question to me, I was traveling in Germany with my family (a commitment I made prior to all of the life minimalization), I turned off all of my electronics, meditated every day during the trip, and soaked it all up. 

Now im back home, from that trip I am no longer bothered with internet (including Facebook), I started my homade meditation cycle, so I can meditate 4-7 hours every day before the next school semester starts. I rarely text anyone unless out of necessity.There are no regrets about cutting out my busy clubs (even though they offered me vice captain position).

Now, I am still working on myself in this field, one of my newest discoveries was finding my addiction to debating. My technique was that I ask into it. When I have an argument in my mind (started about a month ago) and I can still feel angry about it, I stop, I observe it.

"Haha, look at me being angry about this. No worries, I wonder where it's coming from? Is it because I feel like I need acknowledgement about my hard work? Is it because I feel like I need self worth from others? Interesting. Is this causing me to stay attached to toxic people around me?" And continue down the rabbit hole. This will happen over and over.  This is called shadow work. Do it out of love, don't  moralize it, don't say "oh that's bad don't do that!"

I know this is a big post, I wrote a lot and I probably missed something. Here is the core theme. Everyone is different, everyone has different addictions, insecurities, and attachments that keep them from being ok with being alone in peace. The best tool is observation. Observe the things you are attached to at every angle and sensation. Ask your self if it is really making you happy, what are the side effects, and is it forever unsatisfying? When you finally feel aligned enough to authentically get rid of a certain attachment, cut it off it full force, leave no room for alternatives! If it's your computer, turn it off and pull the plug. Laptop? Hide it in your bag under the bed. Facebook on your phone? Delete the app. Taco Bell? Screw down the consistent breakfast schedule. Work on specific things one at a time. Do it in baby steps and don't be surprised if you feel pain along the way. Get through the pain, you are purging your inner demons! It will burn sometimes, embrace the burn and see it as growth  . You'll realize that your addictions and insecurities go WAY deeper than you ever imagined, and connect to one another like webs upon webs. Do it out of love for yourself, don't forget to love yourself!

Stick to the steps, then you can get to the point where you "sit for hours." It is totally tangible. If you dont want to become a yogi, then no sweat, your life will still be much more free and authentic!

Thats about it. Basic summary: keep growing yourself, and you will become less attached to the gross materialistic stimulation and socialization. You will become more authentic and joyful from the process in the long run.

If you have any questions that I missed, feel free to ask.

 

Edited July 29, 2017 by Justin Evans

[Spiral]

Making friends when you are new to it, at least for me feels like pure luck. I would consider joining a sports team. Don't like any sports? well you not there to have fun, you are there to get to know people. It's stereotypical advice, I know but unless something in you life changes you are most likely going to struggle. So you made a friend but it's shallow well now you can "use" that person to go to social events and meet new people.

Also don't neglect girls as friends,you can have all kind of fun with them. Does not have to be one you are attracted to sexually.

[pluto]

If you want to attract good friends you have to be the person/people you wish to attract yourself.

You must be the change you wish to see in order for the manifestation to occur.

[Arion]

@Justin Evans your post is long, and well appreciated by me