The Pain of Untamed Desire

[Oeaohoo]

Whenever I listen to or read discourse about dating, relationships and sexuality, I get triggered because it evokes all of my own unsatisfied desires. So many years of loneliness and misery build up a lot of resentment. Ironically, this keeps me from having a relationship because, as soon as I get the chance, the wounded part of me relishes the opportunity to reject someone else and get revenge.

Not sure why I shared this, maybe somebody here can relate to it…

[LastThursday]

It's uncanny how trauma often converts into self-sabotage. I do wonder why that is. What do you think? My reasoning is that it's connected to low self worth, and that attacking yourself is often the only form of control available. 

[Oeaohoo]

5 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

It's uncanny how trauma often converts into self-sabotage. I do wonder why that is. What do you think? My reasoning is that it's connected to low self worth, and that attacking yourself is often the only form of control available. 

I think that one also builds an identity around the traumatised part of oneself. The ego seeks to defend itself, even - especially - if it is broken.

[LastThursday]

What do you think broke in your case? No need to respond if you don't want to go into it. Do you think having an identity around trauma means that anything that challenges that identity is rejected in order to protect it? Maybe there are multiple identities and some are stronger than others, a "Desire" identity and a "Resenment" identity.

[Oeaohoo]

18 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

What do you think broke in your case? 

A combination of mother issues and rejection in early life.

18 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

Do you think having an identity around trauma means that anything that challenges that identity is rejected in order to protect it? Maybe there are multiple identities and some are stronger than others, a "Desire" identity and a "Resentment" identity.

It’s interesting you ask these questions. Earlier today I was discussing my broken psychology with ChatGPT and it went down a similar line. Firstly:

Quote

From an attachment perspective, outward disgust can develop when early closeness felt intrusive, overwhelming, chaotic, or emotionally unsafe. If a caregiver was inconsistent, engulfing, critical, or unpredictable, a child’s nervous system may have learned: “Closeness = threat.” Disgust is evolutionarily wired to create distance — it’s one of the fastest ways the brain pushes something away. So instead of collapsing into shame (“I’m bad”), the system protects itself by rejecting the outside world (“That’s repulsive,” “People are gross,” “This is contaminating”).

Secondly:

Quote

When someone carries a background layer of outward disgust and projects an image of perfect purity onto women, that can reflect a psychological process sometimes called splitting — where people (or parts of people) are unconsciously divided into “pure/ideal” and “contaminated/repulsive.” If early closeness felt unsafe, intrusive, shaming, or unpredictable, the child’s mind may cope by dividing relational experience into two poles: the idealised, pure, safe other (longed for); the flawed, contaminating, disappointing other (rejected).

[theleelajoker]

29 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

It's uncanny how trauma often converts into self-sabotage. I do wonder why that is. What do you think? My reasoning is that it's connected to low self worth, and that attacking yourself is often the only form of control available. 

I think it's one part, yes. I have seen people - me and others - doing stupid stuff to themselves just to make the point of "I'm in control of my body". Smoking, alcohol, drugs, bad eating habits - we all do it but beyond a certain degree it barely makes senses.

IMO self-sabotage is also maintaining a coherent story. It's not about being a healthy or constructive story, it's about making sense.

Example: I have been treated in way XYZ, I thus must be "bad, guilty, not loveable etc" --> information that goes against this identity cannot be processed properly. 

Heh? You say I'm loveable? But for 18 years, the message (or at least, my interpretation of reality) was the opposite. How can it be true that you tell me now something so different? 

Maybe the subconscious is very basic here. Like a traffic light, you can't jump from red to green, you need to pass yellow to have a coherent process (story) for your identity. 

[LastThursday]

@Oeaohoo the response from ChatGPT you gave is interesting. It does seem like the two poles have something in common though. In some way they both want the best outcome for you, one protects, and the other wants connection? All identities at some level in that case want what's best for you, in their own particular way. It's just that in your case they're not playing along, you get so far, then reject the situation. Would you agree?

38 minutes ago, theleelajoker said:

Heh? You say I'm loveable? But for 18 years, the message (or at least, my interpretation of reality) was the opposite. How can it be true that you tell me now something so different? 

That would seem to be my experience, and I've often come across this in people. How does the self-sabotage arise from this kind of message? I can understand that it would make it hard to allow others to express their love for you, but it only seems like self-sabotage if there are other competing needs there too which are being suppressed. What about more direct self-sabotage like self-injury that would seem related?

[Oeaohoo]

9 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

All identities at some level in that case want what's best for you, in their own particular way. It's just that in your case they're not playing along, you get so far, then reject the situation. Would you agree?

On some level. I suppose any defence one sets up is for one’s own benefit, at least initially, as a way to cope with a situation which would otherwise be unbearable. The trouble is that, like @theleelajoker said, it then becomes an internalised self-narrative which one feels a need to sustain, regardless of whether it is true.

In my case, at least in the past, it has proved to be a toxic combination: I reject and chase after all the people I shouldn’t. This is a recipe for bitterness and dissatisfaction.

Maybe one day my mentality will catch up with my biology! In the meantime, these are the riches of the poor…

[Natasha Tori Maru]

3 hours ago, LastThursday said:

It's uncanny how trauma often converts into self-sabotage. I do wonder why that is. What do you think? My reasoning is that it's connected to low self worth, and that attacking yourself is often the only form of control available. 

Do you think it could be a result of incorrect or false meaning making?

'I experienced trauma, therefor I am bad, I deserved it, I did something to cause it'

It is sometimes easier to blame ourselves than the rest of the world. It can be too much to see the world as busted. Much easier to think we did something to 'cause' the badness. The brain attempting to correct something to prevent it happening again. Only this can cause internalised shame. Shame is a powerful self sabotage mechanism. 

There are many possibilities. And interesting question to ponder...