My best friend asked me if I am a sex addict.

[Zenterus]

And it cut deep.

He doesn't even live in the same city nor country as I, but we communicate daily through whatsapp voice messages and keep each other updated on everything going on in our lives.

I can understand why he would ask me that. He knows my struggle to quit pickup and to finally settle down. Yet all he hears from me all the time is how I'm hooking up with all these random ass girls, most of which I don't end up seeing for too long after and very seldom have romantic interest in. From his perspective it looks compulsive and out of alignment with what I verbally say that I want.

He's sent me videos, 2 of them, where two separate sex addicts are being interviewed. Unprompted. This is kinda out of character for him. He's also a pretty wild, outgoing, naturally attractive type of guy and we usually don't send each other serious videos and such (we do talk about serious topics, though). For him to take a break from the constant meme spam that we've been doing for so long in order to send me an actual serious video is concerning to me and I am not taking it lightly.

He's right, to some extent.

All these women that I'm sleeping with. How come not ONE is girlfriend material? Why am I choosing to pursue women that I find sexually appealing but know for a FACT that I want no relationship with them. What's the point of that? And whenever I do find one that I am interested in for more, there's always a reason why it didn't work out: She's too old, she avoidant, one told me she had herpes and I bounced out, another doesn't fit an archetype of beauty that I like (big lips, round ass, cheekbones, basically that Kim K look). 

All these women. Yet I've only had 1 girlfriend in my life and it was an open relationship and I've disqualified her for a monogamous commitment from day one, because she was too old for me, I thought. 

There are amazing, normal, loving women around me everyday. Why am I not pursuing them? Why am I not connecting with them? 

I'm dealing with one right now. We have good chemistry, she's secure and confident in herself, she's smart, has a good job, she's grounded, sexual, deep, present with me, she's actively pursuing me just as much as I pursue her and I am very attracted to her both energetically and physically. Yet, again, here comes the avoidance: She's too young, she doesn't have a look that I feel fits the physical archetype I described above, etc etc

Fuck, man.

This burns even more because I just got the number of a very sexy milfy woman today. She's 41, but looks damn near 30, we had great chemistry, lots of flirting and she even indicated to me that "she doesn't like to go out" when I told her that I would take her to my favorite bar - the undertone being that she just wants to come over as we had already agreed to meetup soon. I open her whatsapp and I see that she has disappearing messages on, which is a telltale sign of a girl that's doing OnlyFans or is in some kind of sex work or is living a double life of some kind. 

That same day, I saw another girl crossing the street. Pretty girl. Normal looking, down to earth. We made eye contact, yet I didn't approach her. I "wasn't feeling it." But I was feeling the sexualized milf above, who I know for a fact is not gonna be my girl. 

So much to think about, man. It feels like I'm making progress but then I take a step back and realize that I've just become better at rationalizing my lifestyle.

Life is crazy and so is the mind.

[Elliott]

Can you cut out porn and hypersexual social media? How's your relationship with your mother?

[theleelajoker]

5 minutes ago, Elliott said:

Can you cut out porn and hypersexual social media? How's your relationship with your mother?

Lol the second question surprised me 😂

But also, good question. 

[Zenterus]

 @Elliott

I dont watch porn much and I've gone through extensive periods without it. Granted, I do have a lot of casual sex which takes out the thirst for it. I will admit however, that during my two attempts at celibacy (both of which I failed), I did consume more porn than usual to compensate.

As for my relationship to my mom.. it's ok. I did hold a lot of resentment towards her growing up that I've worked through a lot on my own, but I wont lie and say it's all been resolved. We talk, but its very surface level and polite on my part. I dont feel like i can be truly myself with her. I dont trust her with that. I've spoken to my sister about it and she does understand and relate to my experience growing up with our mom and she insists that I have a talk with her or just forgive her imperfections. Easier said than done.

 

Fuck, im cooked arent I

Edited Tuesday at 07:46 PM by Zenterus

[Elliott]

5 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

 

 

Fuck, im cooked arent I

No. You just need to learn to love yourself. Do you have any in person friends?

[Valach]

@Zenterus Hey brother, I resonate with your struggle quite a bit. Have you explored attachment theory? I've found that it connects to this quite deeply.

[Zenterus]

24 minutes ago, Elliott said:

No. You just need to learn to love yourself. Do you have any in person friends?

I do. In my current city I have 2 "normal" friends and a couple pickup buddies, although I'm only close with one. Online I have a few friends that I stay in contact with. Will see one of my long distance friends next week in Berlin and will catch up with my best friend in April, back home. Also, I'm planning to host my own meetup event soon to meet more like minded individuals. 

I do feel a lot of love for myself though. Way more than I did in the past, so your comment on that matter doesn't resonate with me.

[Zenterus]

19 minutes ago, Valach said:

@Zenterus Hey brother, I resonate with your struggle quite a bit. Have you explored attachment theory? I've found that it connects to this quite deeply.

I did. I definitely have a lot of avoidant tendencies and lowkey objectify people as a way to maintain emotional detatchment. Working on it though.

[Valach]

17 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

I did. I definitely have a lot of avoidant tendencies and lowkey objectify people as a way to maintain emotional detatchment. Working on it though.

Yeah. I feel like this is what is causing the drive to have a lot of casual sex (in my case it was at least). We use sex as a means of validation and to soothe pain. To compensate for a lack of security we did not get as little children.

Check out Ideal parent figure protocol. Might be helpful for you.

Also you kind of need to stop doing the casual sex and casual dating thing so u can feel all the shit you are avoiding by doing that. That is at least what my teacher told me.

Edited Tuesday at 08:39 PM by Valach

[Valach]

1 hour ago, Zenterus said:

 

All these women that I'm sleeping with. How come not ONE is girlfriend material? Why am I choosing to pursue women that I find sexually appealing but know for a FACT that I want no relationship with them. What's the point of that? And whenever I do find one that I am interested in for more, there's always a reason why it didn't work out: She's too old, she avoidant, one told me she had herpes and I bounced out, another doesn't fit an archetype of beauty that I like (big lips, round ass, cheekbones, basically that Kim K look). 

All these women. Yet I've only had 1 girlfriend in my life and it was an open relationship and I've disqualified her for a monogamous commitment from day one, because she was too old for me, I thought. 

There are amazing, normal, loving women around me everyday. Why am I not pursuing them? Why am I not connecting with them? 

I'm dealing with one right now. We have good chemistry, she's secure and confident in herself, she's smart, has a good job, she's grounded, sexual, deep, present with me, she's actively pursuing me just as much as I pursue her and I am very attracted to her both energetically and physically. Yet, again, here comes the avoidance: She's too young, she doesn't have a look that I feel fits the physical archetype I described above, etc etc

Fuck, man.

To elaborate further on this. You are doing all this out of self protection. You have learned in the first 2 years of your life that being vulnerable is not safe. To really upon others emotionally and to be relied upon yourself is not safe. And thus you unconsciously self-sabotage any potential for a relationship by hanging out with woman that you know are not a relationship material for you and running away that have "potential".

Because you know, potential is scary. It means you might get hurt, you might get rejected and abandoned and that will trigger all the wounds living in you.

I am not judging what so ever. I am struggling with the same shit and it is hard. So fucking hard. But I have found that if I want to have a healthy relationship at some point. If I want to have a healthy life, I need to resolve all of this. 

[Elliott]

56 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

I do. In my current city I have 2 "normal" friends and a couple pickup buddies, although I'm only close with one. Online I have a few friends that I stay in contact with. Will see one of my long distance friends next week in Berlin and will catch up with my best friend in April, back home. Also, I'm planning to host my own meetup event soon to meet more like minded individuals. 

I do feel a lot of love for myself though. Way more than I did in the past, so your comment on that matter doesn't resonate with me.

If you envision how a perfect mom would love and treat her 5 year old, then 12 year old, then 20 year old, 30,.... do you believe you love yourself in that same way that perfect mom would love and treat her kid?

Can you go sit at a park by yourself and absolutely love it, and 'enjoy yourself'? Can you when you have a breakfast by yourself, like you're having it just with your son that you adore, and he's happy?

 

Edited Tuesday at 09:16 PM by Elliott

[meta_male]

18 hours ago, Zenterus said:

I'm dealing with one right now. We have good chemistry, she's secure and confident in herself, she's smart, has a good job, she's grounded, sexual, deep, present with me, she's actively pursuing me just as much as I pursue her and I am very attracted to her both energetically and physically.

Do the mature thing here. Let her go and face your own avoidance first. Right now you’re using her to distract from the work you need to do on yourself. Resolve your avoidance on your own before bringing someone else into that space.

Edited Wednesday at 01:11 PM by meta_male