Help me integrate this experience

[ZeldaStar]

First trip ever. Went with 2 grams of Golden Teacher. 

I've read that it's a medium dose, and I expected mild effects, which I realized was arrogant of me going into the trip.  

I had some trips intentions going into it, particularly around resolving some issues in my life and better understand how my mind works at a subconscious level. I was trying to be more happy and positive and appreciate of things as they are. 

Initially, the trip seemed mild. I had some lights hallucinations - like seeing how colors are perceived differently. 

As I tried writing down and making sense of the experience, I started seeing myself from a different perspective. It was like I was observing someone else writing down things, but it wasn't really me. 

I saw my hand transform - and it reminded me of Harry Potter. Likely because I've been rewatching the movies in the days prior to the trip - it got stuck inside of me. I started imagining a whole bunch of flying creatures like in the movies too.

I started wondering - if I am viewing myself from a third-person perspective - what is real? And I started wondering about existential questions - if I am not real, why am I here? Why did I choose to be in this life, in this moment? 

I then got a first-person experience of reality where I realized that reality does not exist obectively. Instead, reality only exists if I imagine it to be so.

I then recognized that life is game. And I appreciated that it's beautiful, and I also really appreciated how stable life is - the simplicity of life. The experience was so chaotic and everything was shifting so quickly - simplicity seemed nice.    

I continued wondering about life - and I asked myself, why can't I go and shift into life as another person and then come back? 

The response I got is that it's just not how this works. Though I didn't fully understand how it actually works. 

I tried shifting back into the practical things I was trying to focus on for my trip - but instead, I got much deeper on the existential level. 

I felt that this reality exists because I want to be the person I am. Because it's interesting to be the character I am. There is an associated a "main character" energy to it.

Then I started thinking about whether I imagined everything there is in life. It seemed true to me. 

I was imagining two states of reality. One where you "remember" that you are God, and one where you "forget". I realize that very soon the experience will end, and I felt like I need to milk the relevant insights from the experience.  

Then, a deep part of  the experience started, around an hour an half in. At this point, I was no longer myself. I started having deep hallucinations. I was very confused on what is real and what is not. I hallucinated my pen completely breaking. And I believe I've spent above an hour trying to find a new pen, so that I could record my thoughts from this experience. Anytime I went for the search for the pen, I was instead pulled into something else that caught my attention.  I also started laughing a lot and made some internal jokes about the pen. 

At some point I came back and concluded that God is that I imagined myself and then forgot. 

I started imagining how spiral dynamics and even the vocubulary I am using to write was created by me at some point. 

Most deeply - I profoundly realized that everything is just imaginery. 

 

This was A LOT more than I expected to reflect over in this session. And it has opened my mind to really contemplate some of the things Leo is saying not just as concepts, but as a first-hand, real experiences. 

The scary part for me was not necessirly the experience itself, but coming back to reality, and realizing what I have experienced. Now - it seems crazy. How do I get back to ordinary life, with people that I can't really talk about these things with, and continue living? How do I become happy, when I know it's an illusion.   

And if I choose to take distance from those people I love in my life - what am I going towards exactly? A deep deconstruction of all of reality and everything I know of it? 

I am not sure of the next steps. So I appreciate any guidance and advice.  

[No1Here2c]

Sounds like you've had a powerful introduction to what these tools are capable of.

[No1Here2c]

3 hours ago, ZeldaStar said:

not just as concepts, but as a first-hand, real experiences.

This here is a key. Now use it to unlock an understanding of what it Truly means to be Conscious and Aware.

------

3 hours ago, ZeldaStar said:

The scary part for me was not necessirly the experience itself, but coming back to reality, and realizing what I have experienced.

ah yes, the classic

"it doesn't really hit you till you come back from it..."

Edited Sunday at 06:04 AM by No1Here2c

[No1Here2c]

My best recommendation is to do some serious Meditation. Second best recommendation is to continue your contemplation, and perhaps start journaling your thoughts.

Edited Sunday at 05:53 AM by No1Here2c

[No1Here2c]

You can have a lot of fun with it if you start a "Self-Actualization Journal" right here on Actualized.org

Edited Sunday at 05:55 AM by No1Here2c

[kavaris]

@ZeldaStar

"Instead, reality only exists if I imagine it to be so"

— So thats just the beginning of what is to be like, a release into a reality where imagining is second nature, because of the hell and reprogramming your gonna have to go through to even appreciate in the first place, like, what it all meant, as well as what it could mean, and how to even express it to yourself, to others, and in such a way that it doesnt conflict w/ anything or anyone; Like that is only like, what happens when you swing your body too fast and you get dizzy, or hit your hand against a brick wall too fast and it hurts, that is, its like the initial thing you felt was you moving too fast—And piercing through something, through an idea you didnt understand. And now, everything else is to be you understanding what you didnt understand.

Edited Sunday at 09:34 AM by kavaris

[ZeldaStar]

Quote

— So thats just the beginning of what is to be like, a release into a reality where imagining is second nature, because of the hell and reprogramming your gonna have to go through to even appreciate in the first place, like, what it all meant, as well as what it could mean, and how to even express it to yourself, to others, and in such a way that it doesnt conflict w/ anything or anyone; Like that is only like, what happens when you swing your body too fast and you get dizzy, or hit your hand against a brick wall too fast and it hurts, that is, its like the initial thing you felt was you moving too fast—And piercing through something, through an idea you didnt understand. And now, everything else is to be you understanding what you didnt understand.

That definitely helps, thank you. I agree I was moving too fast. 

Quote

My best recommendation is to do some serious Meditation. Second best recommendation is to continue your contemplation, and perhaps start journaling your thoughts.

I feel like it'll just drive me crazy to keep thinking about this experience at home alone with meditation and contemplation. I don't think it's right for me. I am considering consulting a psychotherapist instead. 

I wasn't really looking for going into something so deep and existential at this point, I was more so hoping for getting a more standard happy non-dual experience and some insights about my mind. 

[No1Here2c]

@ZeldaStar

Welcome to Consciousness Work.

[theleelajoker]

On 15.2.2026 at 3:19 AM, ZeldaStar said:

 I am not sure of the next steps. So I appreciate any guidance and advice.  

When had a deep awakening, I got an advice that is very simple and yet powerful:

"If I don't know where to start, I start with my body"

 

[Oppositionless]

First off, congrats on your first trip ! It takes a lot of bravery to do such things, even with a lot of trips under your belt the fear never goes away (at least for me it doesn't).

No one can do the integration for you , but we can give you pointers. Do you have a spiritual or contemplation disciple ? After big openings I reccomend a gentle meditation , yoga , tai chi, etc practice. And maybe journaling about the experience (not trying to figure it out, just probing a bit). 
 

If there's a spiritual community where you live, you'll likely meet people who've had similar experiences. The forum is great but there's something extra nice about meeting such people irl. I would probably lean more towards grounded groups than super woo woo ones.

Edited 4 hours ago by Oppositionless