I Am Afraid of Myself

[yetineti]

I have been having a 1/4 life crisis.

I work, live alone and am not denying progress made.

I have never had a serious relationship.

I immaturely burned bridges with two life time friends these past few years.

Unresolved family issues— I drag myself into.

Still moderate to heavy weed usage.
Nicotine pouches.

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I have not made progress where I should have been.

I never took the LPC I paid for years ago.

Stopped pursuing music, like a coward.

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I do not know if this is an admission, an apology or a cry for help.

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I feel unserious. But also like I am fighting a war on all fronts. And if I pivot, I lose ground. So I haven’t even thought about how I’d pivot properly.

Too tenacious and it’s not working out. 

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And fuck music and money anyhow!

How does anyone dedicate their life to the Truth? It seems impossible.

I feel like I’m gauging myself out with a knife in one hand and dressing the wound with the other.

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Note: I’m not really depressed and I have no intention of self harm. I actually am impressed with some changes.

I’ve just hit a point where I don’t question things where I used to question everything, change, observe results, etc.

Now I feel like I’m just watching myself not be as efficient or honest as I can be— while not exactly trusting myself or knowing how to pivot, as I mentioned.

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I didn’t even want to write this because I did not want to sound cooky/this was obviously a horrible explanation of my condition and it ties into epistemology— blah blah blah.

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Anyone older than me have a great story about losing direction, forgetting ambition and pivoting back or something?

Edited 6 hours ago by yetineti

[Opulence]

Make it a point to make some changes every month. Change needs time and patience. 

Make a list of things you want. 

Don't expect too much early on. Keep going. Life will pivot on it's own.

 

[Joseph Maynor]

I think this is the problem with most people.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

I went from homeless for a month, to video game addict for 10 years. Couch surfed and mooched off others for 3/4 years. Unable to hold down a job of more than 1 day a week. Deep nihilism and black pill. Cut off family, burned bridges with everyone I know. Chronic weed night day, wake and bake 5 years.

Flunked University 3 times before I successfully earned a degree. Disregarded health to the extent I was landing in hospital frequently. Share housing until 33.

Now I run a construction business with my Dad, have enough for a house deposit. Searching now. Reconnected with family. Got a dog. Love the dog. 

Did art, modelling and creativity all through. Hardcore spirituality put me straight, despite bad conditioning.

You can do it. I did it.

I am no one. Just some random chick who will live and die and love and end. To be forgotten. But life is just a beauty.

 

[theleelajoker]

"Anyone older than me have a great story about losing direction, forgetting ambition and pivoting back or something"

Bias disclaimer: There was good stuff also in darker times, but in line with your question I focus on the extremes of my path:

Got a severe disease as a kid. Spent weeks in hospital but survived. Bad family situation as kid, worse as teenager. Numbed myself for more than 20 years with video games and weed. Left home through help of child protection service.  Never found a "home", always on the run, lived in I don't know many cities. Had problems getting up in the morning. Zero ambition, zero motivation, zero self efficacy, zero direction in life. Had to borrow money to pay my bills and rely on others to survive. No connection to myself, my body, my feelings, no confidence, no joy. Was depressed and had suicidal thoughts (not intentions), hitting rock bottom.

Now in late 30s, freelancing, getting great feedback and contracts without even advertising (thanks universe). Never mind absolute numbers, but this month is the highest income I ever made (thx again). Easy to get to know people, easy to connect, I accept people as they are and vice versa. Sometimes just need to sit somewhere and people (including women) approach me. Have good friends I trust and good relationships to family.

Feeling healthier and more relaxed. Stay calm in stressful situations BECAUSE I have seen rock bottom. Learning to better know myself, what I want and owning it. Learning to receive and to be more humble and grateful. Have nice plans for the future and the trust that they will materialize

Edited 1 hour ago by theleelajoker