Should I Break Up With My Girlfriend?

[Vali2003]

I know that, ultimately, nobody can answer this but myself and that it would be best contemplated. BUT, I'm scared shitless to do that and face the truth. 

I'll try to give a good, honest and fair picture of the situation.

I'm 22, been with my girlfriend for 3,5 years now. She's my first girlfriend ever. I've been seriously thinking about breaking up for 1,5 years -- I know that's insane and I feel ashamed about it. If I write it like that it seems like I'm obviously just a pussy that's too scared to break up, even though I know it's the right thing to do. But I think it's not so easy. Because we actually have a good, mature relationship, I think. We communicate well. We are fair to each other. I trust her enormously. She has never crossed or disrespected any boundaries we've set in the relationship -- neither have I. And I love her. She's intelligent, she's pretty, she's kind, she's extremely openminded. But especially I love all her little quirks. The noises she makes when we cuddle, how confused she is when she wakes up in the morning.

It's not all butterflies & roses though as you can imagine:

• She struggles with anxiety and when she's anxious she is very irritable, and can be quite mean and hurtful.
• She's not very socially competent. Which is a problem for me -- especially if we are with my family. She can come across as rude, non-chalante and mean to others because she doesn't talk much, is lost in her thoughts a lot, and looks -- frankly said -- annoyed. I know that's not how she feels in the inside, but other people can not know this.
• She rarely takes responsibility when we fight or have conflict. She can only accept having done something wrong if I take FULL responsibility first. This can be really exhausting emotionally on my side. The problem is that she dreams up SUCH strong assumptions and expectations of how something is supposed to go perfectly -- for example a date -- that she just cannot stomach it if she messed something up that ruins her expectations.

Also, our sex isn't great but that's definitely an US problem. 

There are also issues with me in the relationship

• I have fear of commitment.
• I resent her for some things that are my responsibility, like stopping me from going to sleep early, working more etc. -- even though that's on me to just be consequential with.
• I can be arrogant.
• I can be hypocritical and sometimes blame her for things that I do myself.
• I can be moralistic and judgmental -- this especially comes out in social situations (I don't blame her in the social situations but these feelings arise then and come out later, when we're in private).

BUT, all these things -- or at least most of them -- could be dealt with and solved. So that's not necessarily a reason to break up. Although you can also argue, of course that there's a better fit for me out there. However, there are a couple of other issues that go much deeper:

• She's the only person I've ever had sex with. I have really strong karma in this area. If I imagine myself on the deathbed only having had sex with one person, I feel deeply regretful. I feel like time is passing by so quickly, and I'm missing out on so much sex right now since I'm in college and it would be quite easy to get laid. 
• Really, I don't see myself being together with her forever. I can say that with relative certainty. I don't see that kind of potential in us I must say if I'm being honest.

When I write this, it seems clear that I should break up. BUT I love her. And breaking up -- eliminating THE person in the world that by far knows me most intimately from my life, forever --  because I want to fuck around seems like a silly thing to do. 'Fucking around' is a strawman though. I know that. It's deeper than that. 

There are moments where it feels clear what I should do (break up). But then, things are really nice again and I think: Why would I ever want to give this up? I'm really quite lost. And, like I said, it's been like that for probably 1,5 years. 

When I think about breaking up with her (actually doing it), it feels impossible. She wouldn't expect it at all. I honestly think it would break her heart. We've just been on vacation together after she was studying abroad for 4 months and she told me, time and again, how happy she is to have me, how much she loves me, what she wants to do with me in the future. I just don't know if I feel the same way. Breaking up with her would be destroying the deepest bond I've ever had with a person and never regaining it again (with her). It would honestly be horrible. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I'd appreciate your help.

 

[Hojo]

@Vali2003Next time you fight and feel that way tell her the truth, see what happens. You are lying to her by not telling her how you feel.

[Vali2003]

@Hojo No. It would be immensely stupid to do that. If I tell her my feelings it will be after I've made sense of them. Doing it while confused would just be dumping them onto her and expecting her to make sense of them for me.

[Hojo]

@Vali2003Youve clearly state you arent confused by these thoughts as you still have them and have written them out after the fight is over. Its a form of gas lighting.

You cant say I am the most intimate with this person, except for my feelings about them. Dosent work that way.

Edited 3 hours ago by Hojo

[Vali2003]

Quote

We've just been on vacation together after she was studying abroad for 4 months and she told me, time and again, how happy she is to have me, how much she loves me, what she wants to do with me in the future.

@Hojo I don't understand what you're saying. If you're referring to the quote above, those feelings are related to my confusion about wanting to continue being with her or not. 

[Vali2003]

5 minutes ago, Hojo said:

@Vali2003Youve clearly state you arent confused by these thoughts as you still have them and have written them out after the fight is over. Its a form of gas lighting.

You cant say I am the most intimate with this person, except for my feelings about them. Dosent work that way.

You are right about me having said I'm clear that I don't see myself being with her forever. I guess maybe you could say not telling her that is gaslighting. However, it's not like I'm telling her that I want to be with her forever. I don't think I could see that with any person at this stage of my life. 

[theleelajoker]

I agree with Hojo.

Don't strategize. Express yourself and see what happens. 

You can still do it in a subtle, gentle way. 

Right now I feel like this and that, how do you feel about it?

As a consequence, I'm asking myself where we go from here? Continue as we do now, continue but do differenly, taking a break, etc etc. How do you see the situation?

Etc etc 

Free yourself of your own shackles. 

Edited 2 hours ago by theleelajoker

[Vali2003]

11 minutes ago, theleelajoker said:

I agree with Hojo.

Don't strategize. Express yourself and see what happens. 

You can still do it in a subtle, gentle way. 

Right now I feel like this and that, how do you feel about it?

As a consequence, I'm asking myself where we go from here? Continue as we do now, continue but do differenly, taking a break, etc etc. How do you see the situation?

Etc etc 

Free yourself of your own shackles. 

We already talked about the sex part several times. Saying how we both would still like to make more experiences with other people, feeling like we're missing out a bit on the college experience etc. 

I appreciate the advice, yet simultaneously I also feel/realize there are much more nuances here than I can express without rambling on for pages.

I do feel that going into this conversation openly (without a clear decision on my side) would not be productive. Is it fair to her to go there, tell her about my mush of feelings and expect something good to come of it? Isn't it my responsibility to be clear on what I want and come to her from that frame?

My head feels like I just tried solving math problems for 4 hours. Not a gramm of clarity left. 

 

 

 

 

[Vali2003]

I think I just need to bite the bullet, go within and contemplate my feelings (I still appreciate advice, of course):

• Why do I desire to have sex with other women? -- What's the core of this desire? 
• Why am I scared of committing to her? 
• Why am I scared of breaking up with her?

 

[theleelajoker]

26 minutes ago, Vali2003 said:

I do feel that going into this conversation openly (without a clear decision on my side) would not be productive. 

If I was you, I would question your assumptions like the one above. No wonder your mind feels fucked up with all these limitations you put on yourself, your experience and external reality. It's like solving a equation with hundreds of constraints and variables while having close to zero hard information and fixed determinants.

• How you know you must have decision before?
• How you know you must make decision alone?
• How you know your decision is not dependent on how your GF reacts I open dialogue?
• How you know that best way to find aligned action is contemplating?
• How you know what the colleges  experience is supposed to be like?
• I could go on for pages. But you get the direction 

Edited 1 hour ago by theleelajoker

[Vali2003]

14 minutes ago, theleelajoker said:

If I was you, I would question your assumptions like the one above. No wonder your mind feels fucked up with all these limitations you put on yourself, your experience and external reality. It's like solving a equation with hundreds of constraints and variables while having close to zero hard information and fixed determinants.

• How you know you must have decision before?
• How you know you must make decision alone?
• How you know your decision is not dependent on how your GF reacts I open dialogue?
• How you know that best way to find aligned action is contemplating?
• How you know what the colleges  experience is supposed to be like?
• I could go on for pages. But you get the direction 

I don't feel we're communicating very effectively here. The reason I believe that I need a decision before (maybe I don't need a decision, but at least more clarity) is because we have talked about these topics before and not much came of the conversations. 

I said, in one such conversation, that when I'm in the present with her then I love it and greatly appreciate our relationship. But that I feel -- necessarily -- it will need to come to an end at some point in the future. She agrees with me and feels the same. We both, at this point, felt as though in the present moment, in the NOW, it would feel wrong to end the relationship. She even has mentioned before that she wished I was a complete asshole and we'd just have a really bad fight, like other couples do, so the end of our relationship would come naturally. This sounds crass but I get where she's coming from. It shows my and her inner torment between other desires and the appreciation of our relationship, of our love. Now, it's been over half a year since that conversation. So maybe her opinion has changed completely since then. I doubt that, however. 

Do you see more where I'm coming from now -- that I need to have more clarity before going into such a conversation again? Or is it still not making sense from your POV?

[Elliott]

1 hour ago, Vali2003 said:

I think I just need to bite the bullet, go within and contemplate my feelings (I still appreciate advice, of course):

• Why do I desire to have sex with other women? -- What's the core of this desire? 
• Why am I scared of committing to her? 
• Why am I scared of breaking up with her?

 

You may be thinking of other women just because you're dissatisfied in your relationship, it's why a lot of people cheat. Imagine you had your dream girl, would you want to sleep around more? No other woman would even exist!

 

1 hour ago, Vali2003 said:

 

I said, in one such conversation, that when I'm in the present with her then I love it and greatly appreciate our relationship. But that I feel -- necessarily -- it will need to come to an end at some point in the future. She agrees with me and feels the same. We both, at this point, felt as though in the present moment, in the NOW, it would feel wrong to end the relationship. She even has mentioned before that she wished I was a complete asshole and we'd just have a really bad fight, like other couples do, so the end of our relationship would come naturally. This sounds crass but I get where she's coming from. It shows my and her inner torment between other desires and the appreciation of our relationship, of our love. Now, it's been over half a year since that conversation. So maybe her opinion has changed completely since then. I doubt that, however. 

It's okay to breakup even if you're not certain you should. "I think we should break up. I'm not comfortable with some things in our relationship.". When she asks, just list the reasons you did, good and bad like you did here, and tell her this is a confusing and hard decision for you. You don't have to understand perfectly, tell her what you like and don't like, but that you're not comfortable. Breaking up is a very loving thing to do, loving to her and yourself.

Do not wait for a fight, that suggestion by the other users is horrible. Do it out of love, I promise you. You're a great person for trying to navigate this well.

Edited 6 minutes ago by Elliott

[Hojo]

Its very simple if your gf felt this way about you, would you want to know? Obviously.