How to escape projections of other people posed onto you as truth?

[Tistepiste]

So this is something I've been suffering from deeply.

And it is extremely debilitating.
It could be due to childhood trauma, OCD, ADHD, whatever is going on in my conditioning, but the truth is - sometimes it triggers in me something so deeply, which puts me in a state of confusion that I can't seem to get out from.

What happens:

When someone tells me how I should feel or who I should be, it’s as if I step out of my own body.
I then try to merge their truth with my truth.
But that isn’t possible. Because those two truths cannot exist simultanuously.
So I end up in a constant struggle.
A voice in my head that tells me how I apparently should feel, and a feeling that I actually have.
At a certain point, I can no longer distinguish between the two. Then I no longer know what is mine and what is theirs.
And then I try to find myself again and understand what I actually feel. But I end up somewhere in a kind of limbo between myself and another. And then I am neither myself nor the other.

This happened three times in my life where it had a huge impact; examples:

First time:

I (a guy) came out to a gay friend I trusted at 18 years old that I liked this guy, I only liked girls until then. 
I was very confused and a bit scared. He then told me that I was gay, since I liked this guy. When I told him it was my first time he neglected that and said you just wish you like girls cause you don't accept yourself and bisexuality doesn't exist.

From that point on everytime I went out in a club or had any interaction with a girl that I liked, his voice popped, telling me my feelings weren't valid, and I'd be confused if I really liked the girl or if I imagined, wish it to be.

Whenever I saw a guy that was attractive, his voice popped up, telling me I was gay, and I'd be confused if I really liked the guy or if I imagined it because my friend told me I liked him.

Basically, I couldn't distinguish anymore what feelings were mine, and what were posed on me. Everytime I felt attraction it induced anxiety.

It took me 5 years to get over it.

 

Second time:

I had just completed my first Goenka vipassana retreat.
It was amazing, and on the 7th day I witnessed the dissolvment of my own body, also called bhanga ñana. 
I could literally feeling the energy inside my body to come together and explode outside my body, I was completely empty, and a feeling of infinite unconditional love entered my body for a few minutes.

Anyways - reason why I say this is that I felt my meditation technique must be working and was excited that i finally 'got it'.
The few days after that however I was completely blocked due to something my teacher said about the experience and  my whole body got tense after that.

That last day of the retreat - you are sadly allowed to talk then, a guy came up to me a bluntly asked about my meditation experience.

I told him my body got very tense the last 3 days and that I got a headache and that I couldnt go past that.
He asked me what I did, and I told him I just observe the sensation, label it, and then go back to body scan (Goenka technique that we are taught there).

(I now even still feel resistance in going on since I fear it will come back)

but then he asked me 'what do u mean 'observe', and I said, just observe without thinking, and he said 'u cant observe without thinking, all the biggest teachers say you are not able to stop thinking, so thats bullshit, so probably thats where u went wrong'

After that, my meditation practice was completely fucked up, when going to the 2nd meditation retreat a year later, this conversation suddenly sparked up again, and since I wasnt allowed to talk with anyone, and the teacher wasnt of help either, I spiraled completely.

Everytime it was silent in my mind, I questioned it, I started questioning what does it mean to "not be able to stop thinking", but if theres spaces between thought, isnt that the cessation of thought in that moment?
What about longer periods of stillness? Is there still thought? But theres monkey mind thought and focussed thought. Whats the difference?
I questioned everything about my practice and for 10 days I resided in pure confusion induced anxiety.

It wasn't until my 3rd retreat that I spoke with an actual monk that told me of course when you're very focused, there is cessation of thought, where the pull from that thought stopped.

Until then, I wasnt able to meditate at all!!

 

Third time

I was dating someone, for just a month, but I liked  that person very much, and due to very unfortunate circumstances it stopped. It was hard to accept it because of these circumstances.
But after 3 weeks I found myself being ok again, and my friend asked about the situation and I told them I think  itll take me another week and that Id be fine.
She then responded "A week? You mean 4 months! or a year!" Its the way she said it with such force, I could see it in her eyes she was speaking from the heart

And BAM, the trigger was triggered.

AGAIN, I questioned my own feelings, everytime I did not think about that person, the conversation would pop up "4 months! Or a year!" and then my mind went back to that person and started to overthink things.

At one point I didnt know whether I was still thining about that person because of the constant pressure I felt when  ididnt think about them, again, since I was trying to reconcile my truth and their truth.

I didnt know if I still missed that person due to this mechanic or because I actually missed that person.

 

Recently I learned this is be something called "cognitive dissonance", and my brain just cant handle it at all.
 

Of course for all three examples I talked to friends, looked up sources, but still the thoughts and their pull come back and take over.
There's very little that can help me for some reason.

What do you have for advice?

 

 

 

 

 

Edited Monday at 02:51 PM by Tistepiste

[Joseph Maynor]

This is the beginning of the path.  Welcome.  

[Hojo]

See that every single person you interact with is gaslighting you or will try to gaslight you out of your own opinions. You must have courage and tell them no and its done the first time. That means you cant be trying to get people to like you. You need to stand firm in who you are.

If you read the bagavata gita it is about how you need to fight your mind for your place in the world.

Edited 4 hours ago by Hojo