How To Fix My Life ?

[Raphael]

Hey everyone

I need help and wise advice here. I'm currently a college student doing an internship that will end in less than one month, I'm going to drop out of college because it doesn't satisfy me. But, I have no job for the moment, I plan to return to my parent's place the time to find a job. However, I know that I will not be able to stay there my entire life, and if I don't find any job I will maybe become homeless. I don't like my family so much, living with them is going to be difficult again.

A big problem that I have is a lack of motivation, I was really motivated in the past but my world collapses more than one year ago when I realize that what I was searching for was only success and that it will never make me happy. So, I'm completely lost from one year now.

I'm a vegetarian since almost one year and I go to the gym four times per week. I was very skinny and shy most of my life, at school, I was bullied because of this and that led me to depression and social anxiety, so at the gym, I like to push myself. I did a lot a progress since two years, I'm not really so shy nor depress now (thank you so much Leo), but I'm completely lost and bored with most things.

I was thinking that the gym would help me to sleep and reduce stress, but it didn't change anything. I'm really stressed and cannot sleep at night, in addition to that I'm always tired. I've recently bought three food supplements: 5-htp, magnesium, and maca. Yesterday I've taken two pills of 100mg of 5-htp, I was still stressed and didn't sleep well. During my days I always feel sleepy, so I tend to procrastinate and read/watch stupid shit on the internet whereas I have three fucking reports to write. I try to wake up early and not sleep too late, but because I take times to fall as sleep it's rare that I get at least 8 hours, so my days are difficult and unproductive.

And there's also enlightenment, I'm not enlightened, but I meditate every day for 30-45 minutes, sometimes more, sometimes less. More and more I meditate, I feel like "It's ok, you will be homeless, you will die, it's ok nothing is important, it's not bad to be stressed, to procrastinate, to do stupid shit, to waste your life". I think that my ego is playing with me, I'm stuck into doing and going to the truth, I cannot decide, and nothing happens anywhere. I fell lime I'm missing some theories about enlightenment (I've watched all of Leo's videos on it), and also enlightenment itself.

If outside it feels like I'm calm and relaxed, it's not the case inside. My brain is like a tornado, I'm bored with all theses people always complaining about their life where I'm not. Sometimes, I think like "Let's go to the street and slap all theses assholes in their face", or worst "Let's go and rape someone" (I'm still a virgin who never had any relations with girls). But I don't take this seriously, and hopefully, don't take any action on it. I consider myself as an open-minded person, enough open to admit that I'm unconsciously closed-minded in some fields. I always try to put myself into others perspective, so I don't do any of theses silly things.

So, I'm stuck now, can someone help me? Thank you

[Alex K]

@Raphael Hi, describe how do you meditate, what changes had it given you

[Raphael]

I meditate just after showering and before going to bed. I've read in one of Leo's insights that it's maybe not the best time to meditate, but I don't have any other time and I know it's better for sleep if I disconnect myself from distractions before bed.

When I meditate, I sit on a chair with my back straight, hands on my knees. I've been meditating for more than one year now, when I've started I was concentrating on my breath, observing my mind and always trying to bring it back to the now when it was going into monkey mind. I did this for severals month, then one day I've had a very strange experience which I've described here.

After that, I choose to not try to do anything while meditating, and now most the time I'm trying to let go.

I can meditate for one hour and I also do a 5 minutes concentration meditation after waking up in the morning.

The results that I get until now are quite awesome. I mean, it destroyed my entire world and really kicked my ego in his ass sometimes, but it helped me a lot on social anxiety. I don't take peoples critics very seriously now, I'm still sometimes afraid of doing unfamiliar things, but it's really less painful than before.

Now, my problem is that I don't know what to do with my life and where I'm going

[Shin]

Now meditate all the time and watch every one of your thoughts as if they weren't your thoughts.

Sitted meditation is just a more focused meditation, meditation can be done anytime anywhere, that's how you go deeper into the rabithole.

Quote

Now, my problem is that I don't know what to do with my life and where I'm going

You don't need to know.

 

[Will]

I cant offer you advice.. I can however express how your question makes me feel.. It is only relevant to me though.. take from this what you will.. this is more for me than you..

Thanks for the question.. it resonates with me..

Its natural to want to be successful or to feel important.. of course our body and mind what to have the best.. however we are not our body and our mind.. they are merely tools we use in this existence.. 

 

Our mind and body have desires and ambition of there own..

what happens meditation wise is that we come to know a part of us that has no need for any success , as it is eternal and never changes..

Some claim this is who we truly are..

The idea is if we ground ourselves to this existential part. we open up possibilities and enhance expression.. which is supposed to reflect in abundances and possibility..

 

Its ok to want success, some think that doing this means you sit in a cave.. it just not true.. it just means you are ware you have choices and your more conscious of them and you dont let your mind and body compulsion over take you.. i.e. sexdrive..

you go through this phase of seeing your mind and bodies compulsions and you think .. I should get rid of them.. nooooooo.. just know that they exist,, the claim is after a while your existential self takes more of the reigns and you accept your a sort of conduit for life... and your mind and body are tools..

accepting that you have no idea actually allows you to be more open to new stuff..

letting go of labels allows you to let go of external factors controlling your life..

ideally we get into a kind of flow .. allowing whatever to be, but also responding how we choose. never forcing outcomes..never questioning, just accepting and doing the best thing we can in that moment..

 

If an apple drop in front of you and you where hungry.... eat it...

unfortunately we dont.. we ask questions, give it away, hide it, we do all sorts of wonderful things ...

the idea is to be more abundant thinking that way we have access to so much more.. 

 

Look.....no need for help your doing great...

The more conscious you'll get you realise a bit better the effect your mind and body have and learn to adjust them .. 

Be aware ,,, life will never give you what you want and how you expect.. but that makes for an interesting life. though..

 

 

 

[Nahm]

@Raphael Thoughts happen, then feelings. When depressed, the work to do is with the thoughts. 

What are you listening to daily to change the quality and patterns of your thoughts?

 

[Raphael]

I don't listen to a type of things in particular, but today I've watched several motivations videos and listen to a study music on youtube while working.

When I procrastinate I tend to watch stupid stuff on youtube, but also read a lot of politics and news in general. I know that it's not helping me, but I'm sometimes so bored with everything that I'm just clicking on random links on the internet.