Suffering, Turmoil and Stress. What is the lesson here?

[AnthonyR]

First some context …

For the past year and a half, I’ve had to move back in with my Parents to take care of my dad who suddenly developed a neurological disorder related to Parkinson’s - Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP) to be more specific.

He needs assistance doing a lot of things like going to the washroom, preparing his meals, dressing, walking etc and it’s only getting more dire.  His condition makes him moody, uncooperative, angry and just plain annoying, even though at times he will admit he is being a pain and will apologize.  

Since I’m single, (and the eldest sibling) the burden of responsibility has fallen on me to take care of him.  My mom is aging as well and cannot manage him on her own.  My other two siblings have families of their own, but are cognizant of the state of affairs at home and will help from time to time.  

Since I’m also self-employed I do have some flexibility in my work schedule, but it’s difficult leaving him alone for too long, and attending to work duties.

——-

Before all of this I was quite happy with my life.  It was simple, peaceful and as an introvert who lived on his own, I was quite content with the way things were. 

But now I yearn for those days.  Now it’s a lot of stress and suffering.  Yelling at times, because he demand a lot of attention for the littlest of things, A lot of disturbed nights, to wake up and assist my dad.  The situation at home constantly takes up most of my energy both physically and mentally.

And I’m trying to just accept the situation for what it is, without fighting it, without trying to change it to be something else.  I wonder sometimes, am I supposed to be learning the value of patience, of how to be empathetic towards the needs of someone else?  What exactly is the lesson here? 

Why do I want all of this to just be over, so things can go back to how it was.  I lose my temper sometimes, I yell, I get mad, and I do all this, knowing fully well that I shouldn’t.  I need to be kinder, more patient, more gentle, more loving, and I try all those things as much as possible.  But sometimes it just gets to the point where I just cannot contain the annoyance… the energy is too strong and it seeks release and I yell, as much as I don’t want to.

This form of love is the hardest thing I’ve had to do.  To love and understand someone even if that love keeps wanting more and more and is barely acknowledged.  Coupled that with the stress and worries of everyday life and trying to manage my own responsibilities is becoming too much of a burden.

I also realize this phase of my life will come to an end.  My dad is 82, and even though I feel guilty for saying this, he may not have much time left or maybe he does.  Who knows?

Sometimes I just want all this to end yesterday, sometimes I just take it day by day and tell myself I’m growing from this experience. It is teaching me something.  In time I will understand the lesson here…. I pray this is all going somewhere.

[Judy2]

hey....i appreciate the time and effort you put into being there for your dad. i also acknowledge that you feel quite overwhelmed.

i wonder if there is any chance you could get support in the home? maybe just for one hour a day, so that you can focus on your own goals. it might also help improve the relationship between you and your dad by removing some of the tension.

if it's not possible to employ someone professionally, maybe it would be an idea to reach out to your siblings and describe the situation. just because you're single, doesn't mean you're the only one responsibile for helping your dad. maybe you can reach an agreement to split the hours more evenly.

Edited 18 hours ago by Judy2

[AnthonyR]

Thanks for responding.  The issue isn’t so much about the help, as my brother does help from time to time a few hours a week.  My dad also receives some government assisted support where a support worker will drop by a few times a week to give him his showers. So yes I will get my occasional breaks.

The issue lies more with how I’m choosing to deal with the situation.  I had gotten used to my daily routine, where I meditated, I researched, I would stay in touch so to speak with my inner self.   Where I felt centred, aligned and in harmony with myself and my environment.  But all that has been put aside for over a year now.

i can’t remember the last time I’ve properly meditated and felt refreshed.  I feel out of balance with myself and with my environment. And more than that I’m resisting and getting annoyed with the whole situation … rather than being more accepting and allowing the situation to unfold as it is. And I feel guilty for thinking this way.  After all things are the way they are for a reason, perhaps there’s a lesson here.

I wish I could change how I felt, but I try and then it’s back to just being stressed out, angry and annoyed at the whole situation.  

 

[Judy2]

can you accept the guilt and the resistance? allow it to unfold as it is? 

[AnthonyR]

So you’re saying that the guilt and resistance is part of the process and to just allow it to be what it is?

I guess that’s another way of looking at it.  

[Judy2]

15 hours ago, AnthonyR said:

Thanks for responding.  The issue isn’t so much about the help, as my brother does help from time to time a few hours a week.  My dad also receives some government assisted support where a support worker will drop by a few times a week to give him his showers. So yes I will get my occasional breaks.

The issue lies more with how I’m choosing to deal with the situation.  I had gotten used to my daily routine, where I meditated, I researched, I would stay in touch so to speak with my inner self.   Where I felt centred, aligned and in harmony with myself and my environment.  But all that has been put aside for over a year now.

i can’t remember the last time I’ve properly meditated and felt refreshed.  I feel out of balance with myself and with my environment. And more than that I’m resisting and getting annoyed with the whole situation … rather than being more accepting and allowing the situation to unfold as it is. And I feel guilty for thinking this way.  After all things are the way they are for a reason, perhaps there’s a lesson here.

I wish I could change how I felt, but I try and then it’s back to just being stressed out, angry and annoyed at the whole situation.  

 

"I’m resisting and getting annoyed with the whole situation … I feel guilty"

"things are the way they are for a reason, perhaps there’s a lesson here."    -> does this not apply to your own emotions, too?

 

Notice also that there's an implied "should" here...you "should" be more accepting and allow the situation to unfold as it is. Maybe the "should" itself is implicated in creating the resistance?

 

2 hours ago, AnthonyR said:

So you’re saying that the guilt and resistance is part of the process and to just allow it to be what it is?

I guess that’s another way of looking at it.  

i don't think there's any alternative. you would like to accept and stop resisting, but only without the guilt and resistance in the picture. since you can't get rid of them, though, i think the only option is to accept them, too (on top of everything else).

which is not to say you should abdicate your power to make changes for the better where possible. practically speaking, a combination of both change and acceptance may be necessary here. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Judy2