Suffering, Turmoil and Stress. What is the lesson here?

[AnthonyR]

First some context …

For the past year and a half, I’ve had to move back in with my Parents to take care of my dad who suddenly developed a neurological disorder related to Parkinson’s - Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP) to be more specific.

He needs assistance doing a lot of things like going to the washroom, preparing his meals, dressing, walking etc and it’s only getting more dire.  His condition makes him moody, uncooperative, angry and just plain annoying, even though at times he will admit he is being a pain and will apologize.  

Since I’m single, (and the eldest sibling) the burden of responsibility has fallen on me to take care of him.  My mom is aging as well and cannot manage him on her own.  My other two siblings have families of their own, but are cognizant of the state of affairs at home and will help from time to time.  

Since I’m also self-employed I do have some flexibility in my work schedule, but it’s difficult leaving him alone for too long, and attending to work duties.

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Before all of this I was quite happy with my life.  It was simple, peaceful and as an introvert who lived on his own, I was quite content with the way things were. 

But now I yearn for those days.  Now it’s a lot of stress and suffering.  Yelling at times, because he demand a lot of attention for the littlest of things, A lot of disturbed nights, to wake up and assist my dad.  The situation at home constantly takes up most of my energy both physically and mentally.

And I’m trying to just accept the situation for what it is, without fighting it, without trying to change it to be something else.  I wonder sometimes, am I supposed to be learning the value of patience, of how to be empathetic towards the needs of someone else?  What exactly is the lesson here? 

Why do I want all of this to just be over, so things can go back to how it was.  I lose my temper sometimes, I yell, I get mad, and I do all this, knowing fully well that I shouldn’t.  I need to be kinder, more patient, more gentle, more loving, and I try all those things as much as possible.  But sometimes it just gets to the point where I just cannot contain the annoyance… the energy is too strong and it seeks release and I yell, as much as I don’t want to.

This form of love is the hardest thing I’ve had to do.  To love and understand someone even if that love keeps wanting more and more and is barely acknowledged.  Coupled that with the stress and worries of everyday life and trying to manage my own responsibilities is becoming too much of a burden.

I also realize this phase of my life will come to an end.  My dad is 82, and even though I feel guilty for saying this, he may not have much time left or maybe he does.  Who knows?

Sometimes I just want all this to end yesterday, sometimes I just take it day by day and tell myself I’m growing from this experience. It is teaching me something.  In time I will understand the lesson here…. I pray this is all going somewhere.