She can open up, I cant

[Jannes]

12 minutes ago, Jannes said:

This is basically how I feel about it right now, I feel like I cant breathe:

 

[Jannes]

@Recursoinominado @Natasha Tori Maru @ivankiss

When I am really honest with myself, I am also not 100% interested in her simply based on looks. She looks good, but I could get someone more attractive. The vibe is fantastic though and I wished it was different. 

Anyways because I didnt want to admit that to myself I maybe looked for rationalizations why I wasnt feeling it, when the reality was, when she looked more attractive I would have been able to go deeper instead of withdrawl.

And also that may be why she tries to be in power to compensate for this slight imbalance.

..

Just got going with my adhd medication so some things appear to be clearing up. 

Edited Thursday at 02:12 PM by Jannes

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Jannes glad to hear some distance from the initial thoughts (and medication) has given some clarity. 

Respect the candid honesty here. Maybe you have had a shift in your value system, or realised you don't value looks as much as you once did? 

How someone appears doesn't say much about you as a person per se. But I do understand society places a lot of emphasis on looks so this can be a measure of value taken on from the social domain.

Not sure if this is for everyone - but as I have moved through life attachment to the physical has dissolved by huge factors since I was younger. It is lovely to appreciate beauty, but I recognise it is just fleeting and over valuing it has the potential for suffering. Looks fade. 

As my grandmother always said to me 'beautiful people die twice'

If you are making a compromise for this women due to recognising this value - ensure it is 100% congruent with who you are. Otherwise you open the gateway to resentment/contempt that will show up later. Contempt is the death of relationships.

[Jannes]

@Natasha Tori Maru With medicinet my dopamine system works stronger, so everything that is about mememe is more in the foreground. Its really interesting, I am not sure if it led to a value change or if this dynamic already was in my mind but just didnt capture my attention as much as my latest interpreatation says. 

 

25 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

If you are making a compromise for this women due to recognising this value - ensure it is 100% congruent with who you are. Otherwise you open the gateway to resentment/contempt that will show up later. Contempt is the death of relationships.

Yeah exactly, I can at least look at the ugly beast holding the cards here, am I okay with the looks and go deeper or do I value looks so much that I should respectfully decline the offer. Maybe something in between is possible if it is communicated well. 

..

I made some space from other opportunities I have right now to focus on this. Will be interested to see where this will be going and what kind of insights I will have on medication. 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Jannes definitely go inwards and try to feel what is going on. 

Another factor is that avoidant attachment style will often act to devalue their partner as a way to justify the avoidant behaviour. Typically it is characterised by needing their partner to be perfect. The mechanism fears romantic partnership due to feeling like their self is being lost. 

Not saying that's you, but it could be contributing to the fear. 

I have found that feelings don't make sense always, and intellectualizing them can be my own cope. Like I need to justify how I feel. Madness hehe 

[Jannes]

5 hours ago, Xonas Pitfall said:

@Jannes

Hey, absolutely no judgment whatsoever, but I am quite interested in asking you this.

I sometimes have a difficult time understanding people who have a connection with someone, and it completely dissolves or disappears as they 'lose their looks.' Could you explain how you feel or think about this? Is it like... the way they look now shows something else? A different persona, or archetype, you don't feel pulled towards? How do you expect to manage it as you get older together if you have a long-term partner?

Just really curious! I completely understand not being attracted to someone at first and having a more difficult bias, but once a connection is established, it seems a bit weird.

With this girl I havent really built a connection or anything, we didnt date, we just flirted pretty stongly. So this is not really an example of loosing a connection with someone because of looks because I never committed to a connection to begin with. 

[Jannes]

5 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

@Jannes definitely go inwards and try to feel what is going on. 

Another factor is that avoidant attachment style will often act to devalue their partner as a way to justify the avoidant behaviour. Typically it is characterised by needing their partner to be perfect. The mechanism fears romantic partnership due to feeling like their self is being lost. 

Not saying that's you, but it could be contributing to the fear. 

I have found that feelings don't make sense always, and intellectualizing them can be my own cope. Like I need to justify how I feel. Madness hehe 

Thats a good point! 

But that seems to make it even more complicated aaah 

[Jannes]

I asked her for a private talk on wednesday and she kind of avoided it. Same thing today. But she offered a walk next week. 

Almost feels like she wants to shake me off now, or she wants to check if I am serious. 

Edited yesterday at 12:52 AM by Jannes

[Deziree]

I’ve been in a really similar spot. I connect with people slowly too, especially when someone’s super open and emotionally expressive, it can feel like being hit by a wave.

Honestly, you’re doing the right thing just by noticing this pattern instead of ghosting or shutting down completely. The key thing I’ve learned is to be upfront about your pace. You don’t have to match her openness, just let her know that you tend to open up more gradually. That way, she doesn’t misread your need for space as lack of interest.

Also, don’t beat yourself up for protecting your space. Emotional speed differences are totally normal. The goal isn’t to “fix” it, but to find a rhythm that keeps both people regulated and genuine.

And for what it’s worth, if she already knows some things about you through friends, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes that pre-knowledge can make her more empathetic, not judgmental.

So yeah, take it slow, communicate honestly, and don’t force yourself to go faster than your nervous system allows. Openness that’s gradual but real usually goes way further than trying to keep up with someone else’s pace. Try being patient when it's really needed.