Frustrated Sexually and in Other Ways I Cannot Explain

[Oso]

@Lyubov Thank you for this response. It goes deep and there is a lot to unpack here. To still respond and answer your questions without getting overwhelmed, I'm going to go through and discuss the points most powerful to me. 

Now that you mention it, this is indeed tied to an internal belief system I have. Whatever this belief system is or how it came to have structure, I cannot say exactly. However, it is present and does bring pain and suffering into my life, something I struggle with.

Why do I believe this whole thing is a problem and what do I believe about myself? Well, right off the bat, I have such a raw and blunt desire for intimacy and sex. Technically, these desires shouldn't be hard to satiate, but for me, they are. Why? My values.

I have had a handful of opportunities within the past year where I could have gotten sexual experience or have had developed an intimate and romantic situation with someone. Yet... when things were just about to come to fruition, it's like my inner intuitive gates, guided by my core morals and values, shut the whole thing down.

Point in case, I can't cross myself for something I know is foolish and / or low value. It really tests my patience. 

- - -

Perhaps that didn't address your question on belief and the problem. Let me say this. 

You're right, I do not currently feel good enough. The women who I am ACTUALLY attracted to, I always feel lesser. I never initiate conversation. I feel defeated the second I look at them. This mindset destroys me, but it feels so ingrained.

A certain pie section of my value DOES feel affected by my sexual and intimate experience. Since I have been lacking for a while, it makes me feel less. My chest and shoulders feel hollow, my gaze is shy, and I feel both weak and brittle in body and spirit. It is not all the time that this is the case, but when it is, I feel as though a small breeze could blow me away. 

I don't know why this pattern remains in my life. Perhaps for egoic protection.

- - -

For your final questions? Well, I am familiar with all the answers. Inside, I know exactly what I need to do to actualize, even if it is foggy. In my life now, I am in the midst of this battle. The sword is in hand, but still... Why should I be coming here and speaking like this?

[Oso]

@samijiben Knowing what I really want? This is perhaps the most infuriating and crumbling question ever for me, right alongside "What is my absolute purpose?" and other such questions. Their presence and appearance has caused years of suffering and confusion in my still young life. 

With the combination of a very shaky ego and a bunch of unfinished spiritual work, asking such a question leaves me blank. 

When I ask it, all that is left is just awareness observing itself. 

Of course, that is great. But my ego is still strong in certain ways and is not satisfied. And as for its satisfaction? Well, there are simply certain things I feel I NEED to do and will do even if it just because I need the experience to be entirely content. 

It is a contradictory mix of dissatisfaction and contentment. Putting it into words really sucks and I will not do so further. 

But my point in this response? Perhaps I just want to inform you of how problematic such a question is to me currently. Instead of asking that and getting stuck in those god-awful mental ruts, surrendering my control and direction to that of the intuitive compass within my chest is what I have begun to do and what I will continue to do.

It is the most true and raw thing I have come to know. 

[samijiben]

It's because your attacking the question with a closed mind. 

Ask it with an open one instead. 

Who knows, the answer could very well be "nothing."

Are you scared of not wanting anything? What if your desire to obtain (x) disappears? What left do you have to fight for? 

Realize that you want nothing, and stop fighting with yourself.

Or, go to a club, do some pickup, and realize what I said is true later. You're only playing yourself.

 

 

So, what to do?

4 hours ago, Oso said:

@samijiben Knowing what I really want?

 Asking such a question leaves me blank. 

When I ask it, all that is left is just awareness observing itself. 

Of course, that is great.

Leave it there & stop mansplaining.