Cindy and me

[trenton]

Cindy was a kind person to me. She was always happy to see me. It seemed that she had a genuine smile and laugh whenever I was with her. I was told that she loved me to death. I cannot recall her ever saying or doing anything cruel to me.

Cindy was my father's girlfriend. When I would visit them, they would act as if everything was fine. They were happy to see me as we played videogames, board games, and watched movies. I was aware of my father's criminal activity, but I was in a complex situation with my mother and her boyfriend as well.

Sometimes the facade would slip. My father and Cindy would get into fights. I then discovered that dad was grabbing and hitting Cindy and calling her a "stupid f****** b****." I realized that dad and Cindy were like mom and Mike. I saw similar behavior like pawning to pay the bills and the use of some kind of opioid pain med along with domestic violence. Dad was also a drug dealer who would steal cash from partners and family despite his belief that he could keep his criminal behavior separate from his family.

As I struggled with being caught between my mother and Mike and my father and his gang, I later discovered that Cindy was taking medication for depression and anxiety. I never discussed this with Cindy because I was worried about getting away from mom and Mike while ensuring the safety of my younger siblings. I underestimated how deeply she was suffering because she always seemed happy when I was with her, but she was likely faking it.

Cindy eventually died by mixing alcohol with medication, causing her to go to sleep and not wake up. My family framed the incident as if it were an accident or a mistake. I am now realizing that this situation was likely a suicide. My family never talked much about this, so I didn't know it was something like this. Apparently family silence is common in this issue.

Upon realizing this, I felt a grim sense of emptiness. I wondered if she ever knew what I was going through. I myself was struggling with suicidal thoughts and behaviors and I would continue with that for years. Because of my struggle, I would now be in a better position to understand her and support her in whatever way I could. Unfortunately, I never had the opportunity to help her because neither of us told the other about our depression and suicidal thoughts.

By this point I already understood that when those close to us die by suicide, it increases the risk factor of suicide for others close to them. For me it seems to be having the opposite effect. This situation makes me want to not kill myself.

As far as I could see there was nothing wrong with Cindy and she seemed like a decent human being to me. I wouldn't want her to die like this while suffering so deeply. I would have at least wanted a chance to understand how she felt and what she was going through. However, she wore a convincing mask and it didn't occur to me that she was in this position. If she had known how deeply I was suffering, I wonder how she would have responded. Unfortunately, it is far too late for such wishes and if only thoughts.

It seems to be a common psychological phenomenon where it is easy to offer compassion to a friend but not to yourself. Cindy was probably like that as she showed happiness and love on the outside but she probably hated life on the inside. It is easy and natural for me to give such people compassion, yet I tend to treat myself like I'm awful.

The reason this realization makes me not want to kill myself is because I see myself as someone similar to Cindy. Like her, I am worthy of love and receiving help. I don't want to end up repeating her actions without giving others the chance to offer compassion. I tend to connect very well with people who are in this kind of deep suffering like me. It feels like Cindy's love for me and her death would be for nothing if I did the same to myself.

Perhaps those suffering deeply from depression and suicidal thoughts may respond to it by acting as good of a person as they can. This is a survival strategy that is intended to restore a sense of self worth through morality and being good, therefore justifying a person's existence despite deep suffering. I do this as well and this behavior may be more common than I think. It is close to the root of how I try to find some grand life purpose for myself that helps the maximum number of people in the hopes of being good and therefore justifying my existence. Therefore, attachment to morality is a trauma response, and those suffering deeply may act very kind because of their empathy and compassion for those in deep suffering. This seems to be part of why I am confused about things like life purpose as those with depression are prone to nihilism.

I hope my experience has helped you guys somehow. May Cindy rest in peace and may I avoid the same mistake she made.

[Schizophonia]

Do you see a psychologist ?

[Sugarcoat]

How u write so much 

[trenton]

2 hours ago, Schizophonia said:

Do you see a psychologist ?

I've seen several psychologists in the past. I've had problems with several of them. I hope to see a trauma therapist once I get my new medical insurance. My current insurance does not cover mental health. It does not cover my hospitalization for severe depression from last month.

To be honest I find ai more helpful than human therapists. Oftentimes mental health professionals can't be trusted. They don't seem to know what they are doing. 

[trenton]

2 hours ago, Sugarcoat said:

How u write so much 

Autism may be a factor. I often describe things in great detail because I process things differently.

[yetineti]

Your chaos is calm and workable.

I wish you the best.

[Sugarcoat]

11 hours ago, trenton said:

Autism may be a factor. I often describe things in great detail because I process things differently.

Might be ..

[Schizophonia]

15 hours ago, trenton said:

Autism may be a factor. I often describe things in great detail because I process things differently.

You're wasting a lot of energy on repetitive thought loops.
You should think about something else, practice changing your interests.
This is what "healing the trauma" is all about; playing with the same language and even sinking into it won't save you and will even make the situation worse. You have to surrender and move on.

An anxious thought pattern, typical of the autism spectrum, can evolve with biofeedback, meditation, and even courses of anxiolytics or neuroleptics.

All mental conditions can radically evolve through neuroplasticity; all conditions in general can radically evolve by evolving the concept of self, even if it becomes a bit "mystical" there.

Edited May 11 by Schizophonia