Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

MuadDib · July 16

This horse freed itself from the panopticon prison that is social media. Millennial aura.

I view this as a problem for spiritual pursuit as well. If people can't develop a connection with their own authenticity,experience, and growth out of fear the icky bits will be immortalized online, how the hell are they even going to begin the process of transcending themselves, let alone developing into like ... stable functioning ego's with genuine friends and connections.

soos_mite_ah · July 21

Fake vs Indirect Spirituality

I am a few days late but I watched Leo's video on Fake Spirituality. I went in with the mindset of *I'm ready to have Leo drag my practices by the hair and call me and my delusions out* but I left with more complex thoughts than that. So I decided to make this post to explore it here.

I feel like I was more into the new age spiritual stuff from like age 17-21. I have since strayed from that after a couple of bad experiences that have led me to believe that I was getting to ahead of myself with the spiritual stuff and the deconstruction to where it was manifesting in an unhealthy way. I didn't then swing to demonize spirituality rather I kind of put it off to the side as something to come back to later since I needed to work on more fundamental things first. Back then, I came into the realization that I needed to work on the fundamentals of my life and survival first so that I don't co-opt spirituallity, weaponize it, become a zen devil, or promote anything harmful unintentionally. I haven't gotten back into spirituality since.

As a result, since I have been focusing on I guess "survival" more so than spirituality in these last 4 ish years, I came into this video thinking that Leo was going to call me out for my monkey tendencies. Instead I was surprised. I think it's good that I took a step back from spirituality and I didn't go along my life slapping a spiritual label on everything I did and made spirituality my whole personality. I think it's good that I decided to dissect my psychological issues, build a more stable life for myself through my career and my friendships, educate myself on the world around me, exhausting my material desires, and also just plain enjoy myself.

While I never thought of these things as wholly spiritual, I think there is a spiritual component to a lot of these things that connects them in a thread of fulfillment for me. I want to be able to explore that.

1. Working on myself in therapy: I have figured out a lot of my self biases, worked through insecurities, dealt with interpersonal issues, manage family issues, and deal with general life stuff in my sessions. I guess there is an element of truth seeking in figuring out my biases and working through my insecurities and applying those lessons practically in various relationships and life situations I have. Nevertheless, I do recognize the survival elements of it in the way that it's tailored to my life rather than providing truth on life as a whole and how it provides me with better coping mechanisms.

2. Having fulfilling romantic and platonic connections: Having a solid group of people around me feels like a necessity, not because I'm anxiously attached and I cling to other people, but because these relationships are a big source of fulfillment for me personally. I guess my main reason why is because I like observing and getting to know other people, their lives, the way they operate, how to deal with them etc. because it exposes me to new ways of thinking, new ways of living, and new facets of the human experience I may not get from my one perspective. I suppose this desire to find new ways of thinking, living, and experiencing is a form of truth seeking and there is a spiritual component, but I do recognize that there is a difference between me understanding something from direct experience vs me learning from the experience of others. Nevertheless, I do see the value of learning from the experiences of others in the way that you're not putting yourself in harms way just to learn something, the way that you're exercising your capacity for empathy, and how you can learn more in a shorter period of time.

Leo also talked about the importance of separating your spirituality and your social life. That, I want to contemplate more. I do tend to keep my spiritual opinions private for the most part and I don't really talk about them until something comes up. I feel like for me, part of it is the social stigma of talking about things like nonduality and how that's kind of relegated to people who do too many shrooms, and how another part of it is that often times, this stuff is a lot to explain and I either don't have the competence to communicate that effectively or I'm not certain the other person will get what I'm trying to say given their stage of consciousness.

3. My current corporate job: Yeah... there isn't much spirituality in my job itself but I am still able to connect to my sense of spirituality by being present at my job, engaging in flow states, and working my muscle on being disciplined. And I think my ability to still be somewhat connected to my spirituality despite working a soulless office job is a testament to me and my overall spiritual atunement rather than the job itself. In other words, it's not the job that's spiritual rather it's the way that I choose to engage with it. Leo mentioned in the video that the quality of your spirituality is not determined by tripping balls in Burning Man rather its you ability to connect to it while doing nothing at all. Chop wood, carry water I guess lol (or in this case send emails, troubleshoot issues).

4. Working on my material desires: This includes anything from making money at my current job, putting a roof over my head away from my family, getting plastic surgery, decorating my space etc. I don't think any of these spiraled into money hungry hustle culture, rampant consumerism, obessing over my physical appearance to the point where I think that these are tickets to happiness. Nevertheless, I do think that a certain amount of material stability, while it isn't sprituality itself, can be the solid foundation for spirituality to thrive. I know damn well that it's easier to be present and chill since I have money to cover my bills and emergencies and I'm not living in a chaotic home environment with my family.

5. Figuring out my fantasies: I feel like I have been journaling a lot about that topic lately but it's been something that I have been working on in general without realizing it. I think it's good that I'm not getting lost in my fantasies and confusing it with reality rather I'm identifying the fantasies as such and finding healthy ways of engaging with them, whether that means finding an appropriate outlet or deconstructing them all together.

6. "Spiritual" Hobbies: I do like to engage with astrology and occasionally tarot. Imma be honest, I mainly do it for the funsies and use it to spark conversations through the archetypes presented. I also do yoga, but only as a form of workout that I'm enjoying as of late. I can't say that I'm personally connecting to being through these things lol.

7. Engaging in My Interests in Learning about Human Rights Issues, Political Matters, and World Cultures: Again, not really spiritual but I do find these things fulfilling because it leaves me feeling more intuned with the complexity of the world around me and it enables me to empathize with different kinds of people. I guess there is an element of truth seeking there though it isn't in the existential sense. I think sometimes people conflate things they find fulfilling based on their personal values with things that are spiritual.

8. Meditating and doing thing to take life slow: I do think that I engage with this sometimes to keep myself sane so i don't get so busy to where I spiral into anxiety. That, I wouldn't characterize as spiritual. But I will say that I sometimes like to slow down for the sake of it and to enjoy being itself whether it's be meditating on the couch or mindfully making a meal and drinking coffee.

soos_mite_ah · July 26

I liked this video and how it discusses virtue mirroring. I didn't realize I was lowkey doing this but I did notice that sometimes I don't like shows because the characters annoy me or do not reflect my views. And in an effort of creating a more open mind, I have been trying to open up my tastes to include that kind of media to appreciate it for what it is rather than trying to make it into what I want.

soos_mite_ah · July 29

Abuse

These last couple weeks has been a lot... I've been dealing with a lot of shenanigans in my social life and work has a little more stressful than usual. Gonna be honest, I haven't been doing well. My sleep schedule is a mess. My diet is all over the place and I frequently skip meals. I have been doom scrolling a lot over the last week or so. And I haven't gotten back into working out. While I do feel alright mentally (i.e. I'm not depressed, anxious, dealing with grief/trauma etc.), I do feel exhausted, over stimulated, and kind of all over the place. And I guess I want to brain dump on here as to why that is so.

So as I was writing this, I realized that I was having articulating myself so I'm inserting this paragraph as a brief overview of the social dynamics at play. X is my boyfriend. FH is my bestfriend. MR is my good friend who got engaged. RW is my engaged friend's sister who got married on 7/25 (let's call her husband EW because gross lol). FH is good friends with MR and RW. X grew up with MR and RW. I'm not good friends with RW but I did hang out with her a few times when she would tag along with her sister.

X and I got invited to RW's wedding early in June 2025. Neither of us knew she was even in a relationship but we didn't think much of it since we didn't really hang out with her much and because when we did hang out with her, it's not like we were interrogating her about her dating life. It just didn't come up in the few times that we interacted over the last couple years. We were just happy that we were going to a wedding to turn up.

Then 2 weeks before the wedding, I asked FH something along the lines of *oh btw, what do you know about the couple getting married?* FH said she didn't know shit. I responded with how she and RW have been pretty close so I would think that she would have known more so that felt kind of strange. Before we had an opportunity to rub two braincells together, MR announces that she's engaged. Here's the thing with the engagement, NONE OF US KNEW SHE WAS EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE. So X, FH, and I started crashing tf out because this is abnormal of MR to hide, we have no idea how long she's been with this guy, and we know that MR's life has been a dumpster fire recently so she might not be in the right state of mind right now (she left an abusive roommate situation, her last relationship ended in a restraining order, Elon Musk swept in and took away her job and ability to pay for higher education, she's struggling to find a job, and more). That mixed with the mysterious circumstances of RW's wedding, there was a lot of suspicious and concerning things in the air. Like, is MR holding on to dear life with a guy who isn't good for her? What is the time line of this whole thing? Why has she been hiding this? Are the sisters enabling each other and egging on bad life decisions? WTF is going on??!?!!

Anyways, after crashing out for 48 hours, we decided to regroup and coordinate exactly how we were going to have this conversation with MR to figure out what exactly is going on before freaking out more so that we know how to better address the situation. We framed this conversation (prompted by MR mind you since she was excited to share the news) as a *juicy gossip spill sesh* instead of a *intervention, interrogation, and psychoanalysis meeting.* We wanted to frame this as us trying to get to know what's going on without judgement and create a situation where she feels comfortable sharing. And of course, we want her to feel like we're on her side and that we're supportive (even if we don't agree with her life choices). That conversation went reasonably well. I will say, after that conversation, I went from being concerned and having alarms ringing around my head to being skeptically optimistic. I do feel like she's in the right state of mind and that she's not holding on to this man for stability / overly romanticizing this situation. I still feel a bit skeptical with the pace of this because it feel unnatural for me personally but it sounds like it's coming from a healthy place for her (she has known this guy for rougly a year and she's gonna get married at like September/ October of this year). 80 mph is reasonable on a highway but it's ridiculous on a neighborhood road. Sure, it's fast, but I feel like it's still on the faster end of normal. As for why she hasn't said anything over the past year, it's genuinely because she has been stressed with a lot of things and those have been the topic of discussion rather than her love life. She wasn't trying to hide anything. If anything, we were some of the first people to know about the news.

The situation with her sister RW has been significantly worse though. FH tried to get into contact with RW just to hang out (even before all of the wedding stuff started to happen) but RW has been weirdly distant for the past few months. FH started asking some very basic questions about the guy and RW was being weirdly cryptic. Like, FH asked what the guy was like and EW responded with "he's not from here" AND NOTHING ELSE.

Mind you, RW, MR, and EW are all Arab and FH and I are both South Asian. So FH and I were like WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Like, is the guy not from Texas? Is he from abroad? Is this a green card marriage? Were they arranged? DO WE NEED TO PULL UP!?!? Also, RW told FH that she was single back in March 2025. So, if RW is telling the truth, that means that she and EW have been together for like 6 months or less prior to getting married and planning out a wedding. At first, I suspected of RW of lying because she lied about something similar in the past. So, FH, X , and I were like *ok, we can't do shit now because the wedding is in a week, let's just pull up and figure out what's going on.*

The wedding was on Saturday. The wedding was pretty westernized by Middle Eastern standards. I can't say that either family seemed particularly religious/ conservative or like they were pressuring RW and EW based on their attitudes. I talked to the EW's mom (since I didn't get a chance to talk to RW or EW) and I do think that the family is like upper middle class, but they aren't like rich or anything. It's unlikely that this is a green card marriage (thought that wouldn't be impossible, I'd give the chance as 70/30).

But then, there were the couple's vows.......

EW sounded like a typical lover bomber. He saved RW's name as Wife on his phone after the second date. They said I love you like month in. And apparently, he moved to Texas from California, lost his job 2 months in, and then he found another job and soon after met RW. After talking to his mom, EW grew up in Dubai (the family is ethnically Egyptian), then completed his bachelors and MBA in California, and moved to Texas 8 months ago. So, he moved to Texas 8 months ago, lost his job 6 months ago, and then some where along the way met EW, fell in love, announced the wedding like a month ago, and then here we are in the present day. Translation: This relationship has been a thing for 5 months before the wedding. AND THAT'S BEING GENEROUS.

RW sounded delusional and traumatized. She talked a lot about her difficult family background (financially and emotionally), how this man is saving her from her difficult life, and how she "has been in her masculine energy for her whole life and now she can finally be soft and feminine." Like... homegirl is literally talking about Sprinkle Sprinkle talking points in HER WEDDING VOWS. I get having a difficult life and finding a partner who complements you well to the extent of which it can make up for some wounds you have, but.. that shouldn't be front and center of your overall relationship with a person because that's receipe for a trauma bond right there.

FH and I were giving each other looks during the wedding vows and then we had to stop so we don't accidentally start making faces. We were both like *what the actual fuck were we listening to.*

In addition to the vows, they also lowkey avoided us three at the wedding. Which was WEIRD. Honestly, I think it's because we would have asked questions and have said something. We also got to talk to one of MR's friends who was a real estate agent. Apparently EW and RW already bought a house together prior to the wedding (AND THEY PROBABLY HAVEN'T EVEN KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 5 MONTHS). To me, this looks like EW is pushing bigger and bigger commiments onto the relationship to where RW would feel pressured to stay. They've done literally everything except have kids. I tried to talk to more of RW's friends but most of the people on her side were either people who were kind of distant to her or more so friends with MR like us three. And listen, I'm not trying to judge EW's social life. I get that you can be close to some people in certain phases of your life but not in others and that not every season in your life involves having robust social circle, but the fact that FH is probably the closest person to her and FH didn't know about any of this, that's concerning.

All of this felt textbook in terms of what happens when people come from financially / emotionally difficult background and then that causes them to easily fall for things that sound waay too good to be true, like a narcissist showering you with love and affection to get you easily hooked on to them, and them distancing you from your friends and family. Things like this can easily devolve into abuse and DV. This is a very dangerous situation.

Thoughout all of this, I have been a sounding board for FH. I'm like an acquaintence at best when it comes to RW but FH is actually friends with her. She told me that RW has had a history of rushing into relationships, even to the point where she had a failed engagement at 19 (she's 23 almost 24 now and EW is like 26/27). That failed engagement was a dumpster fire to the point where RW said that if she ever got engaged, she was never going to tell anyone until wedding because of evil eye. LIKE BFFR. GIRL NO ONE GAVE YOU EVIL EYE, THE MAN WAS JUST EVIL! She also romanticized being a stay at home wife and marrying rich to the point where she basically followed the Sprinkle Sprinkle content like it was the bible. And aparrently, RW does have a tendency to ghost when she's "going through things" which usually has to do with her dating people for like 3-4 months here and there. So all of this is very much giving a male centered woman who will drop her friends the moment she meets a guy and who has bad internet dating advice brain rot. Like, this apparently a recurring pattern for her and I'm afraid that the only way she's gonna learn is through a messy divorce or DV.

And all of this sounds terrifying. We like to think that we're better than our parent's generation but like.... are we though? We like to think that we're breaking generational curses, but what if we're not? Or worse, what if we're making new curses? And as someone who values friendship as a very key component in life, not only is life transitions as you grow up difficult to navigate, but in situations like this, it's down right scary. I've lost friends over the last 3 ish years due to abusive workplaces, abusive partners, and other difficult life situations. I hope these people find healing and more stable life situations and maybe they'll come back around and we'll be able to mend things down the road. I just.. I don't want to lose more people especially to awful, heartbreaking situations.

I've also been reading up on how to handle things when you're a friend to someone in an abusive relationship. I'm trying to be tactful and be the reasonable one amongst my friends so that we don't pour gasoline into these situations. I feel like dealing with someone in an abusive relationship is much like dealing with a drug addict. You want to be supportive, but you don't want to enable them. At the same time, you want to hold them accountable but you have to be careful on how you say things so that this person doesn't essentially relapse. And with drug addiction, depending on how bad it is and how long they have been using, as much as you want them to go cold turkey, if they do that, the withdrawals could be worse than the addiction itself and can even kill them if it's not handled by a professional. Similarly, it can take on average 7 times for a domestic violence survior to finally leave their abuser. And leaving is the most dangerous time and often the time when people get killed. So as a result, a lot of people stay in these situations because it's safer to do so than leaving. And it's like both of these things can get drawn out and REALLY fuck up your life. And it hurts me knowing that that there is someone in my circle who is close to being in a situation like this.

I guess, I'm just sitting with the heaviness of it all.

Edited July 29 by soos_mite_ah

soos_mite_ah · July 29

Me if a guy says he's in love with me after 1 month of dating

soos_mite_ah · July 31

I loved this video. I may or may not do a whole post about this.

soos_mite_ah · August 4

Body Image Update

It's been more than 5 months since the surgery. I still pretty good about the results though I'm adjusting to my current proportions. I feel like I'm like 85% satisfied with my body but the last 15% has been flaring up. I remember right after the surgery, I went through a phase where I felt like I looked as though I had a BBL because I thought my ass looke disproportionate to the rest of my body. That feeling has since subsided. Now, I'm crashing out over my boobs. I was really freaking out about it like a month / month and half ago because I'm essentially built like an airpod and I feel like my chest is freakishly large. i got my bra professionally fitted and I was also told that I'm a 30L. I guess it's good that I found a bra that fits and that I look less like an airpod but an L cup?!?!! That sounds sooo fake. Granted most people are wearing the wrong bra size so our perception of what is considered big and small is very skewed but hearing that I'm an L is still something that I'm trying to wrap my head around without feeling like a fetish or freak of nature.

Shopping for clothes is still a struggle. Nothing fits my chest and I feel disproportionate. Sometimes I think about how I should have gotten a breast reduction when I got the tummy tuck. But on the brightside, though shopping is still frustrating, at least I no longer walk out of stores hating myself and feeling grossed out like I did before.

There are also small thing that I have nitpicked about my body in the past that is coming back up. I have a little back fat, not enough for rolls but enough to where I notice and extra amount of squish when I put on a bra or anything form fitting. I always felt like my arms were kind of big. And my thighs touch. Usually, these things were mildly annoying but I guess it's more so has been in the fore front as I'm adjusting to my new proportions. It's easy to hyperfixate on the little things once the big insecurity has been taken care of.

I feel like month 1 was the most neutral month where I was physically working on healing from the surgery itself and I was in the *what have I done to my body* phase. Like I felt good in the sense that I had a sense of what the results were going to be like but I was still in the trust the process phase (I would rate this a 4/10). Month 2 was when some of the results were coming in and I was feeling my best body image wise (I would rate this a 9/10). Month 3 had me feeling weird about my ass and weird about changing beauty standards but decent over all (7/10). Month 4 had me feeling more neutral and adjusted to my proportions (6/10). Month 5 has me feeling weird about my chest (3/10). Now, I would say I'm feeling more like a 6/10. Overall, right now as I'm moving from the 5 month mark to the 6 month mark , I feel good about my body but I feel like my brain is still adjusting to a few things. I might not be 100% satified with my body but I do feel like I'm over all more proportionate and that I feel much better than how I felt about myself presurgery.

I'm also glad that these fluctuations are also not affecting my relationship with food with feels huge to me. I do feel like my relationship with food has been a bit off lately because of my overall mental health and how sometimes when I'm depressed I lose my appetite and I lose my energy to work out. And as a result of being out of my routine, there is a part of me that is afraid I'm going to gain all the weight back from the surgery and wind up looking weird as hell. I've also been dealing with some weird bloating due to things like food poisoning and some times eating meals with too much sodium and that messes with my head a little as I have been trying to adjust to my proportions.

In the end of the day, despite my body image fluctuating like this, even when i felt like a 3/10, I still felt like I made the right decision to get the surgery done throughout all of this and I still feel better than presurgery. And I think that's what matters.

Edited August 4 by soos_mite_ah

soos_mite_ah · August 7

All The Ways People Are Different

This is going to be more of a post that is all over the place but I wanted to get my thoughts out nonetheless.

I think as I'm navigating my mid-20s and I'm figuring out what kind of life I want to craft for myself, I'm also noticing on how that is different from the people around me. I'm trying my best to have an open mind and expand my horizons and avoid the spirit of judgement to take over me. After all, when it comes to my friendships, I don't aspire to have a group of people who are essentially clones of me. I like being around different kinds of people and that isn't limited to demographical markers like differences in race, religion, sexuality, age, etc. I want to explore that more in this post.

Different Communication Styles:

I'm very much a "ask" culture kind of person. I have encountered people who are more "guess" culture and I'm still trying to find the best way to navigate around it without judgement. The "guess" culture people seem to be passive aggreesive, lacking in communication skills, and kind of shady to me. But I can recognize that this bias has to do with me being an "ask" culture kind of person. And I'm sure that the "guess" people probably see me as lacking in social skills and tact for being so direct all the time.

I don't know if I could be good friends with someone who is far into the "guess" culture of things. Maybe this is something that I need to work on more on my end.

Not to mention, there are a lot of differences in communication skills across culture and when you also factor in neurodivergence as well. That I feel like I generally know how to navigate well.

Different Life Priorities:

I feel like I tend to prioritize friendship a lot, more so than the average person. But I feel like there are people who mainly prioritize career, family, a significant other, money, spirituality, working out, a specific hobby etc. I don't have a problem with this so long as 1. it doesn't consume your life and identity completely to where you cannot pour into other areas of your life, and 2. it's coming from a generally healthy place. There is a difference, for example, between someone who prioritizes career because they base their self worth on achievement versus someone who prioritizes their career because it's something that gives them fulfillment because it's the vessel in which they express their values. There is a differece between parents who completely isolate themselves into their nuclear family to where they see other people who don't do the same as immature or lacking in values, versus parents who might pout a lot of time and energy into the early life of their baby and then have a more balanced life as the kid gets older. There is a difference between focusing on your money to get out of debt or a difficult financial situation in the mean time versus becoming insatiable with money. I can also understand on how this can shift and change throughout different seasons of people's lives.

I think when it comes to all of the priorities above, I can be pretty open minded around all of them. I think the one I struggle to wrap my head around is the people who center their lives around their significant other. The whole thing feels pretty foreign to me even as someone who is in a happy and healthy relationship for the past 3 years. I feel like there is a lot of cultural baggage around the overemphasis on monogamy and romantic relationships and how that's seen as the main source of love for heteronormative people. There is also a lot of patriarchial notions surrounding this as well that I feel like we need to unpack. I guess the other thing is that with all the other categories, I have seen healthy and unhealthy forms of this but for the people who center their lives aroudn their significant other, I've only seen that end badly. Maybe that's just my bias from my own life experience.

I think I'm best suited to people who prioritize friendship in a similar way compared to me in terms of having deeper relationships. But I'm also willing to have friends with different priorties and values as that can be something that I believe I learn a lot from.

Different ways to process emotions:

Some people need space to process through things. Other people want to talk about anything other than what's going on because they spend so much time thinking about it or dealing with it so they need space from the issue at hand. Some people don't need to talk rather your presance alone, physical or otherwise, makes them feel better. Some people need you to be practical and get into problem solving mode and some people just want you to listen. And then there are people like me who need to talk to people and write things out. I think in the past I have had the bias that everyone feels supported if you allow them to talk about what's bothering them and you listen attentively and as a result, some people in my life didn't feel supported even though I thought I was being supportive and there for them. I also think that this can shift and change throughout a person's life or depending on the situation they are dealing with.

Different love languages:

I feel like a lot of people have talked about this so I'm not going to reiterate that. I feel like I'm very much a quality time and physical touch person. I think in the past, I used to judge people who experience love through gifts as materialistic and shallow. But I have had a couple of friends who have gift giving as a love language and it always manifested in a wholesome way. Like I have a friend who made me a scapbook for my birthday that was carefully thoughout out. It wasn't an expensive gift, but it most certainly showed intentionality. I'm not the best at gift giving. I grew up in a household that just gave money and gift cards for special occasions and I have heard that some people kind of take offense to that because it essentially communicates that you don't know the person well enough to make a well thought out gift. So, that's a skill set I'm working on.

Different conflict resolution styles:

Some people are more passionate and don't mind yelling at their partner or bickering back and forth to get things off their chest. Other people, like my partner and I, tend to be more mellow in that we never had a "fight" but we do have our occasional disagreements that we discuss and proactively address. Some people need to sleep on an issue to come back to it with a clearer head while other people don't like to go to bed angry. Some people need an apology that expresses sincerity though you looking remorseful while other people want something more concise because anything more can look performative. Some people want a detailed understanding about why someone did something in their apology while others see that as making excuses and being argumentative. Some people only accept apologies in the form of changed behavior for better and for worse. Some people need more space and more time than others to get into a better head space. And again, the ask and guess culture stuff comes into play as well.

I think the one that I struggle with the most is people who are more agressive. I cannot handle people yelling at me. I might not cry, but I can feel myself emotionally checking out and dissassociating to where nothing is productive is going to come from it. Nevertheless, I'm still figuring out how to navigate this so that I can better stand up for myself in the moment.

I don't think I can be friends with someone who is more on the aggressive/ fiesty side and cannot adjust to being more mellow because that seems like it would be a lot for me. Nevertheless, i think it's important to know who to navigate situations and people like this.

Different Lifestyles:

I know people who have stable 9-5s, people who want to be a stay at home parent for a few years, people who travel around, people who are in more creative fields, people who are in their side quest era in terms of figuring their lives out, people who have kids, people who got married in a spectrum of ages, people who are REALLY into BDSM, people who party, people who are homebodies, people who are relgious and people who are not.I love being around people who have different life experiences than my own or people who are in different industries. Personally, I don't give a fuck where you fall in your lifestyle choices so long as you're not being stupid about it lol. it's not about the choices themselves rather it's the thinking process that led you to those choices and how you navigate it. That's what I'm more so interested in when I'm trying to evaluate whether someone would be a good fit for me as a friend or what their degree of critical thinking/ consciousness is like.

soos_mite_ah · August 9

Working on my Internalized Cultural Nihilism

I have written out a few goals here and there in my posts about how to get out of this mess for me personally. And I want to revist those and put in my own input on where I've been since. It's been about 2.5 months since I started reflecting on this matter and realizing it's a problem.

On 6/22/2025 at 5:57 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I also have a few goals / strategies I'm employing to combat my sense of nihilism that is being exacerbated by me being on my phone:

Read one book every 1-2 weeks: started on this goal but I cannot say I have been doing a good job tbh.

Can't say I've been doing great but I did read 4 books this year and I'm proud of that

Replace your current iphone with a Blackberry that doesn't have social media: I've tried to delete the apps, log out, or have limits on the apps but none of these have worked. So I'm going to switch over to a Blackberry for a few months to see how that works out. Plus i've seen some videos of people switching out their smart phone or a dumb one and that has helped heal the brain rot.

This plan fell through because apparently, you can only get service for phones that are 4g and 5g. The Blackberry uses 3g. So I wasn't able to switch over. But I have been journalling about and addressing my phone screentime so I'm still pursuing this goal, just in a different form. Still thinking about switching over to a dumb phone.

Phone bank: I've only done this once so far and it's been great

I've done this a couple times and I think it's good for me.

Protest: I find that this is helpful in processing collective grief. I also think it's fun to paint various signs.

The only protest I've gone to was the ICE protests. That did make me feel better about life lol.

Close your eyes for like 15-20 min instead of scrolling when you feel like you need to decompress after work or after you get home from being out and about

I have been less over stimulated as a result and I think I've been doing a better job regulating my emotions rather than using technology as a pacifier.

Get back into the habit of working out: helps me turn off my brain and lets me physically engage with life more

Didn't get to this. My sleep schedule has been super fucked lately and that has been messing with other areas of my life such as work and my eating habits. I need to address those things before getting back in the habit of working out.

Other things I have been doing to combat the nihilism/apathy

I have been critiquing convenience culture and been pushing against it whenever.Some things I have been doing include:
- Just putting in a little bit more effort to pick up after myself
- allowing myself to randomly go to the grocery store if there is something that I want to cook but doesn't warrent a whole grocery haul in the middle of the week
- sometimes doing my makeup even if I'm staying home all day
- avoiding ai use personally and professionally
  - I know this small list doesn't sound super drastic but it's more of a mindset shift if anything.
I have stopped labeling myself up as being too sensitive or having an existential crisis
- I had a therapy appointment a few weeks back where I pulled up and I was like *new day, new existential crisis lol.* And my therapist was like "you use that term a lot, what does that mean to you?" So then I explained that it means that I'm all up in my head about something, I'm doing some research by reading and watching video essays on how this impacts my life, and how I'm journalling and staying up at night in my feelings. My therapist then was like *you're not having an existential crisis, you're just processing your emotions and using your critical thinking skills.* And that got me thinking about why I label basic functioning as "having a crisis." So it's like, am I having an existential crisis, or am I just rubbing two braincells together in a world that prioritizes intellectual complacency and emotional numbness through ant-iintellectualism and overconsumption/ convenience culture. Like I think that the "It's not that deep" crowd has done a number on me. And I think that things like anti-intellectualism, overconsumption, and convenience culture are elements found in this broader sense of cultural nihilism.
I have been trying more at work lately and I have been more sociable /showing up as more myself.
- I'm still maintaining my professional boundaries but I have been making more of an effort to help out at work and talk a little more about my personal life. It isn't much but I think it's helping in terms of my over all satisfaction at this job. We also have a couple of new hires that are cool and who I feel like I open up around more since they're so open. So that's been helpful.
I have been trying to take myself more seriously both professionally and personally as a capable woman rather than defaulting to irony and poking fun at myself and situation.
- Nothing wrong with that, but I think I was too far on the opposite end. I wrote about this more in depth in a previous post:
I have been observing the nihilism with the people around me more as case studies on what NOT to do.
- My main case studies include N, R, my parents, and the boomers I have to fight at my job.
I'm trying to push against the plague that is anti-intellectualism either socially in a tactful way, or internally in the way that I can fall into intellectual laziness
- Some traps I find myself suceptible to that I'm addressing includ not fact checking all the time, and passively consuming content
I have been watching movies more and have been using them as a tool to reflect personally and strengthen my media literacy skills.
- I'm not a huge movie head but I've watched F1, Sinners, The Penguins of Madegascar, and Superman recently.
I'm trying to unpack my puer aternis tendencies and the way that it manifests in my attitude towards my career. I feel like this could be a post by itself.

The way that the nihilism still gets to me:

an over all feeling of numbness around politics (I don't give a fuck about the epstien stuff)
bad life style habits (awful sleep schedule, weird hunger cues, not working out, being kind of disorganized in my surroundings)
I haven't been making a solid effort in putting myself out there to make more friends.
I haven't been reading and I think my attention span is still not great.
I need more hobbies that isn't just journalling, listenting to video essays, and working out

Back when I originally started having this crisis, I was reflecting on all the ways I'm kind of a loser and I want to revisit that to see what I do and don't resonate with now lol:

On 5/29/2025 at 8:12 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

I don’t have a lot of hobbies other than watching content, writing, and working out if I’m being brutally honest.

Yup.. I still suck in that sense lol.

I don’t have a sense of community or things I do to actively engage in community.

I think I have a handful of people I'm cool with but I've kind of been trying to accept that this is a more solitary season in my life. Sure, I might complain about the weather sometimes, but I'm not going to waste my summers wishing it was winter or waste my winters wishing it was summer. I might not have a super active social life in this season but I am pouring into other areas of my life right now and that's alright. That said, while I'm not socially active, I'm also not sedentary and isolated from people either so that's good.

I don’t have a sense of fire that propels me towards my career aspirations

I can't say that I'm passionate about my career but I am putting in active effort and trying to make the most of my situation. As much as I may want to rage apply for jobs, I don't think right now is a smart time to move away from my current company. Not only is the industry I want to go into immensely chaotic and unstable in the current political climate, but my current company can be a ticket away from the U.S. if things get too crazy. And sure, I hate my job, but that's not an excuse to do dumb shit, take it for granted, and not fulfill my role and responsibilities.

I’m not politically active in the causes I care about. Let’s be real, I mainly just repost things, cry in the corner, sit with existential dread, and then go to work as if nothing is happening.

I've been phone banking and protesting when the opportunity arises. I know it doesn't sound like much but little things like this is what helps in the grand scheme personally and collectively. It isn't the grand, larger than life, gestures.

I don’t read books and I’m not really much better than an ipad baby.

Ok, I have been reducing my ipad baby tendencies by starting to keep by screentime in check. The reading bit, I could do better on.

I also wrote this around the same time period:

On 6/2/2025 at 11:41 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

What to do from here:

Cut down on your online media consumption and social media consumption and replace them with hobbies or just plain doing nothing.

Yup, I'm doing that.

Socialize with people more and actively put yourself out there. Don't let the fact that you don't feel like it be an excuse.

I'm not letting *I don't feel like it* be an excuse and I'm putting myself out there when the opportunity arises. I can't say that I'm super active in seeking out chances to socialize but I'm not passive either,

Get a different job that utilizes your degree in some way. Your current job is existentially horrible for you.

This is more of a long term, far off goal for now. But in the mean time, I have been trying to reframe my mindset around my job so that I can make the most of it.

Read more books. Actually engage your mind when taking in new information. Fix your attention span so that you're not some kind of zombie.

I'm doing this. Slowly but surely lol

Find ways to get more politically active. Stop crying about the state of the world in a corner.

Again, I'm phone banking and protesting when the opportunities arise.

Move to a walkable city. I don't care if its going to be more expensive and if doing things like the laundry and groceries are going to be a pain. Do it.

Again, another long term goal.

Actionable steps to do the above:

I'm going to replace my smartphone with like a blackberry or something so that I can still text people but I cannot use social media. I have tried setting limits, deleting apps, etc. but nothing has worked so far. Youtube isn't the worst thing so I'm not going to fully cut it off but if I really want to do something on Youtube, I will have to do it on my laptop.

I didn't replace my phone yet but I am keeping an eye on my screentime and tackling things accordingly

Start reading book in place of scrolling. Aim for 1 book every 2 weeks.

I have been reading more and scrolling less. But I haven't been meeting the 1 book every 2 weeks goal tbh.

Join your local DSA and show up to the events. Use this way to engage with a community with like minded people who actually do something other than hang out on the internet all day.

I didn't join the local DSA but I have been showing up more for my friends and I've been showing up more socially at work

soos_mite_ah · August 18

Drive to Target

https://www.tiktok.com/@sadbeige/video/7523020212824755486?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7528899646383998494

This came up on my For You Page. I felt seen in that this is how my brain has been feeling since the inauguration but it also feels incredibly chilling. I want to unpack that here and write about it as if I'm doing a rough draft for an English paper in school.

The video opens with the line "19 Brutally Honest 'Truths' Men have a Hard Time Sharing with Women." It shows a screenshot of a BuzzFeed Article with Pete Davidson with the caption "Apparently, women talk in great detail about it, guys usually don't." The article itself says 17 but the speaker says 19 instead.

Then, the video shows another article from a celebrity news section that says "These young Actors were Famous AF Until They Disappeared from The Spotlight."

Intermittently, the video interrupts by saying "Drive to Target."

Another article the video mentions in the first few seconds is an article from a shopping section that says "26 Quirky Yet Adorable Items You Won't Be Able To Resist Buying." Instead the speaker replaces the 26 with 33.

Then, she repeats the line about how these young actors were famous until suddenly disappeared. She then repeats the line "suddenly disappeared" 4 times and then says the number 1933. As she is saying this, there are 2 news articles, one titled "A Maryland Mother was detained by ICE nearly two weeks ago. So far, no evidence has been provided" and another titled " ICE Separates Mother from Breastfeeding Baby After Arrest at a Routine Greed Card Appintment." Soon after, the article about "26 Quirky Yet Adorable Items You Won't Be Able To Resist Buying" covers the articles and the speaker repeats the title of the same article.

Out of all the celebrity news articles she has chosen, the significance of the "17 Brutally Honest 'Truths' Men have a Hard Time Sharing with Women" and how the screenshot shows the quote "Apparently, women talk in great detail about it, guys usually don't" is that it alludes to the gender differences in the political polariziation present today in the U.S. Women are more likely to identify as Democrat and men are more likely to identify as Republican. This gender divide is wider amoung Gen-Z. NBC news explains:

"A slight majority of Gen Z women (52%) say they consider themselves to be Democrats — the largest concentration of any age and gender group within one political party. Among Gen Z men, one-third say they are Democrats.

Meanwhile, 38% of Gen Z men identify as Republican, compared to 20% of Gen Z women. The partisan gender gap is wider among Gen Z than in any other generation."

This gender divide also affects this generation socially with men feeling like they have a "brutally honest 'truth'" that they can't share with women in the form of conservative values and positions and how women often "talk a great detail about it", it being the current state of affairs that is going on. There is an assumption that truth has to be brutal and devoid of compassion in conservative circles in the way that they believe that every person is out for themselves and that we shouldn't bother trying to help one another. However, this is just an assumptions since the data shows that having policy based on compassion that creates institutions to help the marginalized is better for society as a whole rather than leaving people to their own devices. There is also a wider sentiment of feeling like you need to continue on with normal life amidst all of the current events and that talking about what's going on is seen as being overly emotional and dramatic. Nevertheless, people are talking about it but it's reserved for the subtitles of our conversations rather than the headlines in our day to day lives.

The article "These young Actors were Famous AF Until They Disappeared from The Spotlight" from the celebrity section along with the article "17 Brutally Honest 'Truths' Men have a Hard Time Sharing with Women" highlights the focus on celebrity culture, how mundane it, and how we as a society focus on that first over current events. It is later juxataposed with articles about ICE separating people from their families as the speaker repeats the phrase "suddenly disappeared." The article "These young Actors were Famous AF Until They Disappeared from The Spotlight" indicates people caring about celebrities disappearing first before caring about regular civillians disappearing.

The third article that is featured before the disappearances of civillians under the handling of ICE is "26 Quirky Yet Adorable Items You Won't Be Able To Resist Buying." Like the articles about celebrity culture, this article from the shopping section also highlights the mundane elements of life as these major histortical events are happening. The hyperbolic nature phase "you won't be able to resist" is later repeated in the video but in the beginning of the segment, the audiance doesn't realize how hyperbolic it is because it's a common phrase in marketing to draw people in. This dynamic exemplifies how consumerism is used as a distraction to draw people away from the tragedies happening around us. It alienates us from our reality and presents shopping as a coping mechanism from a sense of lack of community. Then the speaker says "Drive to Target." On surface it's a demand to keep shopping and ignore what's going on and it's a message to middle class and upper middle class Americans who often go to Target for daily necessities. There have also been many creators that use excessive Target hauls, usually for beauty products, as a way to garner attention, views, and revenue on social media. It has been pointed out that this contributes to the overconsumption and compulsory consumption in the U.S. In addition to the class indication of choosing Target over say their counterpart Walmart, the word "target" and how you should drive towards it also indicates moving towards a specific goal. However, the goal is not directly specified and the robotic nature of the speakers voice illustrates a robotic and mechanical nature to the way that we are moving towards a future fueled by excessive consumption, celebrity idolization, and an order to keep business running as usual both in the corporate and personal sense, as we numb our emotions to human tragedies around us. This is futher indicated by the way that the article "26 Quirky Yet Adorable Items You Won't Be Able To Resist Buying" covers up the headlines about ICE separating families.

Finally, the speaker says the number 1933, the year that Adolf Hitler became chancellor of Germany. Saying this right after the speaker repeats the words "suddenly disappeared" with the articles about ICE separating families alludes to the parallels of what happened during Nazi Germany to what is going on now. 1933 is the start of Hitler's term and the speaker is indicating that what ICE is doing is a concerning start to previous patterns in history.

Then the speaker asks "Are we still talking about Sabrina Carpenter on her knees or did we move past all that?" This is another reference to celebrity culture and soon after the speaker asks this, she references the article "17 Brutally Honest 'Truths' Men have a Hard Time Sharing with Women." The discussion around Sabrina Carpenter's album cover "Man's Best Friend" revolved around the imagery of Sabrina on her knees crawling like a dog next to a man who is standing above her gripping her hair. Some people thought this was misogynistic and done in poor taste given the political environment where women are losing their reproductive rights and how the conservative social environment is encouraging the return of traditional gender roles from the trad wife, soft life, and sprinkle, sprinkle trends. At the same time others saw this album cover as something that the artist did ironically and as a joke to enrage the public so we talk about it, put our attention towards it, and buy the cover. Therefore, the misogynistic undertones are "not that deep." This dynamic between some people calling out misogyny and other forms of bigotry and some people thinking the same indications of misogyny is not serious, a joke, or ironic, is a dyamic that can also be observed in the wider political discourse as some people are alarmed by what is going on while others are determined to carry on life as usual. Additionally, the phrase "did we move past all that" despite the fact that the video was created not long after the discussions arose about the album cover indicates how we are quick to move on from public discourse about any topic and how that impact our ability to process through events happening in the news and pop culture. The imagery was released less than 2 months before the video in this essay.

After asking this question, the speaker shows the article "17 Brutally Honest 'Truths' Men have a Hard Time Sharing with Women" to compare the misogynistic tendencies in the album cover with the allusion of the political polarization between men and women. She then repeats the number "19," says the phrase "brutally honest truths," and then repeats the number "33." This portion uses celebrity culture and consumer culture to indirectly reference the brutality of the events that followed after Hitler took power in 1933. Then, she repeats the phrase "You won't be able to resist" three times with the article "26 Quirky Yet Adorable Items You Won't Be Able To Resist Buying" showing on the screen. The phrase "you won't be able to resist" as it's juxtaposed with the words "brutally honest truths" and the year 1933 serves as warning of having limited civil liberties and ability to fight against an authoritarian regime as it is set in motion. This phrase, when viewed by itself apart from the context of marketing, feels much more sinister compared to the way it was said earlier in the video.

Soon after, the speaker starts talking about the "Taylor Swift Backlash to visiting sick kids." The audiance doesn't get a chance to process the mood before hand where she was talking about not being able to resist and the speaker swiftly goes to a new topic. The screenshot shown has the caption "Why does it have to be filmed? Fans criticize Taylor Swift." This points to the hypocrisy of celebrity activism and how it is seen as inauthentic and for the cameras rather than an actual concern for the people impacted. The question "Why does this have to be filmed?" is a question for the situation around Taylor Swift but it also calls into question about other tragedies being filmed, the ethics around that, and what is and isn't appropriate to cover in the media. It also begs the question of why Taylor Swift is being filmed as opposed to what is going on with regular people. The video then repearts the words "Kids" 3 times as it shows numerous article about childrent being detained by ICE and separated from their families. She then says "19 brutally honest truths" and the words "men" and "kids" followed by the phrase "men have a hard time sharing with women" and then it goes back to repeating the words with men and kids. There are more articles about ICE deporting migrants that cover the screen. The phrase "men have a hard time sharing with woment" references the gender difference again on how the genders are processing these events and how men are encouraged to cover up their feelings instead of communicating about them.

Then she says the words "suddenly brutally honestly disappeared." She takes these words from the initial articles she referenced in the video and juxtaposes them to underscore the chilling nature of what's going on around us. In the same way that the sinister phrase "you won't be able to resist" is swiftly transitioned to talking about Taylor Swift, this section, though chilling, is swiftly shifted to the phrase "drive to Target" without letting people fully process the mood. But, she pauses for a few seconds before saying "you won't be able to resist" yet again. This illustrates the common experience a lot of people have where given the news cycle, the speed in which we get information, and the way that we passively scroll through and transition between news stories and more lighthearted topics on social media, and how this media environment is not condusive to fully feel what is going on with the world around them. However, the moment that you sit with it, even for a few brief moments, it often becomes grim unbearable. Which is why the audience sits with this mood with nothing but screenshot of the Target in the background, thus indicating consumerism not only as a distraction, but as a coping mechanism.

The speaker then asks "Are we still talking about 1933? Or did we move on?" It asks the audience to reflect on the events of the past, why similar patterns are repeating in the present day, and if it's happening because we moved on. The audience gets a brief pause to reflect, as though this is the final thoughts this video is going to end with, only to be told to "drive to target" yet again. This exemplifies that while we are trying to reflect on the video that we will be soon inundated with with more distractions as a way to numb us and drive us away from introspection.

soos_mite_ah · August 22

2025... So Far

I can't say that 2025 has been a bad year. I've definitely had worse (lookin at you 2018, 2020, and 2021). I can't say that this year was personally chaotic for me (ahem... 2013, 2016 and 2020). I can't say that it was a good year either (I'm thinkin of you 2014, 2022 and 2023). I can't say that it was hard either (side eyes 2020, 2022, and 2024 to a certain extent), but it wasn't super quiet/chill either (2019, 2015, 2017, I see y'all hiding in the corner). (side note: I feel like I cannot say much about 2012 and before because I was a literal child and my memory is limited to general vibes personally and collectively)

I just feel like 2025 was mid.....

I think part of it is because this year was mildly depressing. Let's explore why lol:

I have been depressed about the break up.
I have been feeling an on going sense of dread the general state of the world.
I have been having an existential crisis around nihilism.
I have been feeling socially isolated and unfulfilled.
And all of this is going on while I'm trying to seem normal at my 9 to 5 corporate job and burning myself out emotionally in the process.

I'm putting the emphasis on mildly because I feel like now, as an adult with a full time job and bills, I have more responsibilites I have to take care of so I don't get the privilege of crashing tf out. I also don't feel like crashing out in the same way because I have better coping strategies, I'm out of my parent's house, and I am priviledged enough to have a general sense of financial stability to weather what we're going through right now economically and politically. I don't feel great, but this isn't like a 2016, 2018, 2020, 2021 kind of moment.

I also don't feel super amazing either. I think part of it is that I didn't meet any big external milestone this year in terms of accomplishments. I became more social, studied abroad, met my current partner, and graduated college in 2022. I got my first corporate job, saved a ton of money, and got my own place in 2023. In 2024 I travelled a lot. So in comparison, 2025 feels like a bit of a lull.

But I can think of some positive things that have come out of this year. I'm much more comfortable in my body which feels huge. I have been actively engaging with life more and as a result things have felt more fulfilling as of late (see the post titled "Working on my Internalized Cultural Nihilism"). I have a deeper connection with my partner and I'm happy of what we have built together and I'm looking forward to what we're going build together. Sure, there are some things in my life I want to change, but I feel much more content as I'm learning to embrace the season of my life that I'm at right now, even if it's not my favorite season.

As far as political chaos goes, I feel like I have been on the chaos train since 2015. So, 2025 doesn't feel super notable to me or like some kind of peak. It's been constantly chaotic but I feel like there are certain spikes (the 2016 election to the first 100 days of Trump's presidency in 2017, the entirety of 2020, and now 2025). Like therapy is cool and all, but I need societal change, a different government, and time to chill with the homies to feel good about life. The air doesn't feel good right now in the collective.

I don't know where I was going with this entry. I guess I just wanted to reflect on the year and take inventory of how I have been doing as of late. I don't feel bad about 2025 being mid. I'm sure that from 1999 to idk, sometime in the 2090s if I'm lucky, I'm bound to have a few years that are kind of mid lol.

soos_mite_ah · August 26

My Leisure Outside of Capitalism

I feel like my typical weekend when I'm not depressed / have a ton of plans is as follows: wakeup sometime between 8-10 am > clean my apartment, get a work out in, maybe get a coffee > eat lunch > journal > hang out with friends + find something else to do in the area + run errands.

While this feels good on a Saturday, by the time Sunday evening rolls around, I find myself getting the Sunday scaries because I'm dreading going back to work and because I'm usually feeling existential dread in general as well as a sense of emptiness. Perhaps the dread I feel with Monday approaching opens the door for dread in other areas of life. But I also have another thought? After getting the rest I need on Saturday to where I feel like I'm filled up and alert, what if that's when my mind is sharp enough to question the world around me? And because the world around me is kind of a dumpster fire, I'm just left letting the realities sink in which then I interpret as dread and then I don't want to go back to work on Monday because I want to emotionally process that dread instead of being thrown back into work.

I was sitting with the dread last night and I was also reflecting on my screentime in previous weeks where I noticed that my screentime tends to be higher on Sunday and Monday. I'm not getting the Sunday scaries because I'm thinking about the tasks coming up in work and the work week ahead. I'm getting the scaries because I have this emotional heaviness that's coming to the surface once I get to a regulated space but instead of being able to sit with that, I have to go to work instead.

Sometimes I wonder what I would do if I had the weekend to recuperate, I sat with the existential dread and processed that on Sunday and Monday, and then what I would do with the remainder of the week. I wonder what my self regulation is like in the face of the existential dread when I don't have work to divert my attention or what I would work towards if I didn't have to worry about my job and recuperating from it. Sure, I do take my PTO and I have taken extended time off work, but the last time I took time off work, I was travelling like crazy. I didn't really sit with the mundane if that makes sense. And it's like, who am I and what does my leisure look like in a mundane setting if I take my job out of the equation?

Don't get me wrong, I do think that it's infinitely better to cook a meal, get coffee at your local coffee shop, get a work out in, walk around outside and window shop, take in long form educational content and journal about it, and hang out with friends rather than lead an isolated existance where you rot in bed doomscrolling for 3+ hours a day. But all of those things feel like relaxing things to do in order unwind from work rather than things I'm actively working towards / engaged with. I think all of this is much better in terms of not turning into a nihilistic vegetable with a really bad screentime, but it too feels numb to a certain extent. It reminds me of the post that I wrote about regarding the stay at home girlfriend trend and the under current of nihilism:

On 7/13/2025 at 9:29 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

At first, it seem aesthetic and calming, an escape from the hustle. But then people started noticing on how empty and vapid it is. Like her whole day in the videos comprises of her doing her skincare routine, doing basic chores, filling up a water bottle, drinking matcha, and making a smoothie bowl. Then, people started zooming in on her videos where she mentioned journalling and noticed that this woman feels very empty on the inside and how her life basically revolves around this guy and nothing else.

Nevertheless, there is a group of people who still idolizes her content because of the way that it is a fantasy to escape from capitalism. But then I remember thinking of the Slavoj Zizek quote:

Quote

Ideology is not just the world we live in, but especially the wrong ways we imagine to escape it.

Yes, this influencer might have escaped the nihilism of a tireless corporate job and is living a comfortable existance. But, the soft girl life, where you're being provided by a rich man, you're spending a shit ton of time and energy on your appearance/ relaxing, you're doing these expensive work out classes, you're hanging out with other people in a similar class of trophy wives, you're engaging in luxury and hyper consumption etc. is still another capitalist fantasy that is sold to you to give you the illusion of letting go of capitalism, thus trapping us in it's ideology.

As for the emptiness that comes from the routine above, I think that stems not from the lack of fulfillment with those activities but it has to do with how they're coming more from a self-care angle rather than a hobby angle. Don't get me wrong, I do think there can be overlap between hobbies and self care and that having hobbies is a form of self care. But I think it's more so that I'm doing things to take care of myself and rest rather than doing these things to actively pursue other goals. It then goes back to the stay at home girl friend example where sure she's getting in plenty of rest by waking up whenever she wants, working out, doing her skin care etc. but she's under utilizing her capabilities by being at rest mode all the time. I think the main difference between me and the stay at home girlfriend example is that I'm living this life style like once a week, while this is her life every single day. I think the fact that this is only my life style once a week makes it so that my routine feels nice and not an over kill but I do think that part of me starts to feel like this is an over kill after half of Sunday is done.

On a similar note of the stay at home girlfriend trend, I came across the archetype of person who makes matcha, pilates, and shopping their personality trait because they're heavily influenced by social media culture. I think the stay at home girl friend trend is an extreme version of this archetype where it takes over your entire life style, but I do think this archetype can still manifest even if you have a job. I loved the way that this vide broke this down and I found myself resonating with the comments.

"I cannot imagine a more unfulfilling, dull, or repetitive lifestyle than just consuming products, worrying about calories, or caring what strangers think of my looks."

"at the end, it's all about looks, it's all about beauty. Pilates: to look better. Matcha: because it's good for your skin and body, and it makes you prettier. Shopping: for makeup an clothing, to look prettier. It's so exhausting, really."

"The part of the audio 'and stay beautiful' quite hammers in the reductiveness of all the hyper-femininity trends. To me, it's essentially self-objectification. The idea that your contribution to society is only your appearance...you beauty, brings this back full circle. They're ultimate goal is beauty. They buy cosmetics for beauty. They consume certain wellness products for beauty, they exercise for beauty. All they think about is beauty and the idea is reinforced and wrapped in a pretty bow that is wellness culture."

I think for a particular social media bubble, this is the mindset around the *matcha, pilates, and shopping* lifestyle depicted. And like the comment above said, the part that says "and stay beautiful" drives the sentiment home. I guess I found myself questioning where these habits come for me personally since I feel like I have kind of an adjacent life style. I do like my matcha. I might not do pilates specifically but I do work out and do little classes here and there. And while I don't shop all that much, I do like having a little look around. I think my main appeal around matcha is that I like the taste and it's like the only caffiene that I can tolerate without fucking up my sleep. I started drinking it at around 2019 as an alternative to coffee while I was studying in coffee shops. I feel like I have detached working out from looking a certain way and I mainly work out because it's fun, a stress reliever, and I like being around other people in classes. And I don't really have problematic shopping habits due to my upbringing, my anti-consumerist values, and my general habits. I just like walking around in stores because I don't like walking in suburban areas because they feel bleak. At least stores have things going on in it. I feel like my habit would manifest differently it I lived in a less car-centric area lol.

"You shouldn’t be able to do Pilates if you have a gut or if you’re fat” tells me she knows absolutely nothing about the origin of Pilates (and WHY are these people so against fat people bettering themselves )"

It's not that pilates it's the problem, it's why people do it and people's underlying attitudes around it. I think if I remember correctly, pilates was created for those with disabilities, specifically for rehabilitation purposes for soldies coming back from WW2

"I SO agree with you!! I watched the documentary The True Cost and it changed my life. Now that I’m aware of how the typical mindless-consumer western lifestyle exploits people in the global south, I’ve changed the way I live. Now everything I own is either handmade by me or second-hand, and I practice visible mending as a statement to the world that I am actively choosing to disconnect myself from consumerism as much as possible. And my life is so much BETTER for it! Slower, more fun, more enjoyable in every way. I have a lot more $ to save and to spend on experience rather than consumption. Highly recommended, much better than trying to portray an acceptable level of patriarchy-obedient femininity in front of the internet"

I think this quote is a better way to articulate why I always feel weird around excessive consumption and compulsive shopping.

"As an Asian person I’m really annoyed at the gentrification of matcha and other East Asian foods because those same white girls were the ones teasing me and my peers for eating rice at school or having “nasty” food. Interested to know how many of these influencers were unkind to their Asian peers when they were kids and then turn around and drink our tea improperly.

I do find it annoying the way that matcha is having it's moment to where people are like gentrifying matcha. Like I swear I don't drink it in a bougie wellness way lmao. "It feels dystopian, almost Hunger Games-like, to see this kind of emptiness and self-centeredness in the current global climate. I love enjoying treats, exercising, and finding joy in daily life, too, but these kinds of posts carry a level of classism that really makes me sad and angry. Who gets to be 'allowed' to be this carefree and empty-headed while we’re living through a genocide and watching democracy erode in the U.S.? Joy is important, but this isn’t it. There’s something about it that feels especially classist and, honestly, racist. Edit: I commented in the first minute of the video, and then this diva went on and proved my point so much better than I ever could! <3""I’m not going to get mad at any woman that loves shopping, matcha/coffee, and Pilates. I love those things too and would happily drink more,exercise more, and shop more. It’s okay to splurge sometimes on the things you love. The key is to not be over influenced and make sure you are doing things for your own self-care that you actually enjoy."

100% agree. I do believe you can enjoy treats, exercising, and shopping here and there without it being your whole personality and without it being completely soulless. At the same time, it's weird how some people use these things to pacify themselves or they just put their head in the sand as all of these things are going on around us.

"What kills me is that this 'lifestyle' requires generational wealth OR getting into massive debt, yet it's being sold as aspirational to all women. The 'matcha-pilates-shopping trinity' isn't about femininity, it's about class signaling disguised as self-care. We're being trained to see our value through how much we can consume rather than who we are...character...virtue...beliefs and convictions. Every time I see these trends, I think about how social media has driven them ALL and primarily to keep women financially and mentally exhausted. Getting offline might be the most radical act of self-care we can do."

"shopping, pilates and drinking matcha are super nice activities to do. however, when you work hard to earn it, it feels different as when you do it everyday"

I think these two quote goes back to what I'm saying on how there is a difference between doing this as a self care thing versus having self care take over your life to where you're too comfortable, too complacent, and too preoccupied by things that don't reflect your values or that box you into a rigid set of standards determined by other people to create meaning.

soos_mite_ah · September 1

Nihilism Part 10: Looksmaxxing

https://www.reddit.com/r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide/comments/17jk7wu/being_hot_is_a_hobby/

Sometimes I joke about how the reason why I'm not hot is because being hot isn't my hobby. Like I'm sure I would look significantly better if I got my hair and nails done regularly, got a facial once a month, religiously went to the gym and maintained a strict diet, learned how to do my makeup in various techniques, took time to learn about fashion and spend time shopping meticulously for the most flattering pieces, and had an extensive shower routine. But tbh.. I don't really care that much about being hot itself to do all of those things. It sounds like a lot of time, money and energy being spent and I'd rather do that for other things. That's not to say that I believe people who enjoy this type of life style is inherently vapid or that I'm some how better than these people but it is to say that I just have a different life style and what gives me personal meaning is maxmizing other things like my relationships, travel, education, hobbies, over beauty. And not to mention, I do partake in some of these activies, my life just doesn't center around them. So I'm not out here judging people for getting their nails done like some kind of NLOG lol.

I think like I mentioned in the post "My Leisure Outside of Capitalism," it's not necessarily the activities you partake in but it's about the why. Like I can see people who like to get their hair and nails done regularly or people who have extensive everything showers as being a form of relaxation for them. I can see people pouring their time and energy into their diet and fitness coming from a place of wanting to take care of one's health and enjoy being physically active through various hobbies. I can see people who care about fashion where it comes from a place of self expression and creativity for them. So I can see how these can manifest in a healthy, non nihilistic way. But at the same time, when being hot is the central goal and things like health, self expression, relaxation, are just by products instead of being the other way around where hotness is the by product, I think that's when it can get into the nihilism category. Maximizing for physical and mental health isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for creativity isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for relaxation and for your hobbies isn't necessarily going to make you hot. Maximizing for hotness and using all of the other things as tools for that goal rather than ends in it of itself is going to make you hot.

And I think the last one can be kind of empty. I get the sentiment of if you look good, you feel good, but I do think there is a threshold for that where after a certain point, looking better isn't doing to give you a drastic spike on how you're feeling internally. This is regardless of what aesthetic you're going for, whether it's the waifish early 2000s Victoria secret model, the ig model, the gym bro marvel super hero physique, etc. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around basing your entire lifestyle and goals around looking a specific way when your livlihood doesn't center around it. Like I get the pressure if you're in the entertainment industy or modelling etc. but I'm talking about this kind of lifestyle trickling into everyday people and the way that it promotes a sense of self centeredness that comes at the cost of everything else in your life. I find myself thinking about this article titled "Is anyone having sex after their 12-step night time skincare routine?: It’s no secret that Gen Z aren’t having sex. Could our sanitised, perfection-obsessed beauty culture – and ‘morning shed’ routines before bed – be to blame for sapping the eroticism out of our lives?" I would quote a specific part from this but whole article is pretty good.

https://www.dazeddigital.com/beauty/article/64864/1/skincare-boom-sex-recession-tiktok-12-step-night-time-routine

It also makes me think of the sentiment of how everyone is beautiful but no one is horny. I think the people who try to maxmize for looks are chasing this sort of physical perfection and that comes at a cost of actually being present in their lives, taking things in sensually, connecting with others, and more. Like sure, it's important to eat a balanced meal, but you don't want to be that person who avoids social activities and neglects your relationships for the sake of your protein goals. Sure it's nice to do a skincare routine, but it would suck to trade that in over cuddling with your partner after having sex. And sure, there might be a certain look that you're going for, but if you sacrifice all semblance of individuality in the process in pursuing this ideal, you take your character out in the process which is not very enticing.

I feel like prioritizing looks over personality, much less character and taking the most surface level information of a person to engage with them is a breeding ground for cultural nihilism. The same dynamic goes for opting for short form sensationalized content over reading a book. It's like capitalism waters things down to maximize marketability in order to make a sale and appeal to the most amount of people to the point where it strips down our perception of day to day life to its most superficial form. And then once our dopamine receptors are fried, we lose the muscle to engage in a deeper level and actually care about things.

soos_mite_ah · September 5

soos_mite_ah · September 7

Friendship in Adulthood

I showed up to my friends house warming party. I told her that my boyfriend and I were going to show up early to help her set up. She changed the time like 3 times because her day was chaotic and she was freaking out but we showed up earlier than her suggestion nevertheless. She was super anxious about letting us in because her apartment was messy with stuff and laundry all over the floor, food that she wasn't sure what to do with, a sink that was filled to the brim with dishes, the decor not being set up yet, and her room was filled with random things since she moved into this place quite recently. My boyfriend and I showed up, didn't judge her, and helped her clean up. I started with the dishes where I just put everything into the dishwasher to stash things away. I wiped down the counters and put the food in the oven so it wouldn't get cold. My boyfriend helped with the decor and arranging the furniture. And all of us just started picking things up and stashing them in the closet in the time being. All of this was kind of frantic since the party was going to start in about an hour but we ended up making it work.

The event was a success and we all had a lot of fun. It was originally supposed to be 15 people but it ballooned to 45 people in a one-bedroom apartment lol. We had a couple noise complaints but thankfully no cops. There was alcohol and I just had a bottle of lychee flavored soju and a couple shots in the night. We also had tacos along with a bunch of snacks and desserts ther (I took a slice of cake home since I was kind of full). As for activities, we played a half game of uno, we had karoke, and just general hanging out. Most of her friends were people she met at college, combined with my friend group, and a couple people from work. Despite the noise complaints, nothing really got out of hand. We're all in our mid 20s so there wasn't like people getting sloppy drunk, random couple fighting amongst themselves, people crying in the hallway, or property damage. It honestly felt like a college party without the messiness lol.

I found myself overstimulated by the whole event, but in a good way. I feel like since I got my corporate work from home job, since I'm not socializing as much, I have a pretty high social battery to the point where I forget that I'm an introvert lol. I feel like once a bunch of people started trickling in, I found myself just sitting there taking everything in because I was overstimulated. But times like this, I'm reminded of that real quick. I found myself being exhausted in the same way that you feel exhausted after a good workout. Like sure I'm tired, but I'm not drained and it feels like I did something good for myself.

While I cannot say that I walked away with new connections and friendships, I will say that it felt nice to experience a feeling of social abundance. Like I said earlier, it kind of felt like I was back in college without the messiness that college parties can bring. It was a general feeling of community amongst people that I felt generally comfortable around. I think I missed out on a lot of the social aspects of college because of a variety of reasons ranging from my own mental health, the pandemic, and just my college's social environment being filled with weirdos. And I think this party kind of filled that void that I felt like I missed out on so many years ago.

I also started thinking about what it means to show up for people in a community setting. I'm glad that I showed up for my friend, not only for the party but also helping her clean up and set up. I think it brought us closer because I got to help her and she had the opportunity to be vulnerable with the state of her apartment. I have seen posts where people talk about how everyone wants to have a village but no one wants to be a villager. And I do think that can be true but I also think there is an additional step where people also don't give people an opportunity to be a villager and show up for them because a lot of people are afraid of asking for things because they're afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of judgement, afraid of seeming dependent, or afraid of coming off as a burden. I think a lot of people, due to this form of hyper individualistic self help, feel this pressure to be perfectly put together in their lives but also emotionally to where people are quick to label one another as dyfunctional or cut people off entirely. I saw this post on instagram the other day and I think it summarizes my view of things well:

Quote

Everyone is so emotionally intelligent nowadays they completely miss the part where love sometimes means being patient with someone who's still figuring things out. We've learned the language of boundaries and red flags so well we forget that healing doesn't always look pretty or perform well. We live in a time where one wrong text can end a connection, and one imperfect moment can brand someone as unsafe. Where protecting your peace is sometimes just avoiding intimacy. We confuse regulation with disconnection, clarity with control, detachment with wisdom. And in doing so, we build curated lives filled with people who never challenge our edges and only mirror them. We mistake emotional intelligence for emotional convenience. And then we wonder why everything feels so distant even when we're doing everything right.

On a similar note of prioritizing emotional convenience, I found myself thinking about the relationship between prioritizing relatability and compatibility, and prioritizing diversity and challenging oneself intellectually. I understand the desire to prioritize relatability and compatibility because you want people to be on the same page as you in terms of values and it's easier to connect to someone you have similar experiences with. At the same time, I feel like if you take it too far, you can lock yourself into certain bubbles or limit yourself entirely to great people just because you had an initial impression of. I feel like a lot of married people fall into this trap where some people feel like they can no longer relate to their single friends because they're in a different stage in their lives (at least romantically) and as a result, their single friends won't understand. And, to that I say, be vulnerable, have the difficult conversations, and help them understand instead of jumping to the conclusion that they cannot empathize just because they don't have the exact life situation as you. Sure, having those conversations aren't emotionally convenient, but they are important if you want to maintain your connections and it's also an opportunity to learn from one another. That's what I like about my friendships, we all come from different backgrounds, cultures, and family situations. We're also working in different industries, have different priorities, and we have different schedules and life styles. And sure, it's hard to maintain some of those connections and we sometimes run into roadblocks on deepening certain relationships, but to me, that challenge and inconvenience is worth me not getting locked into my own bubble. I feel like every single person in my life brings a valuable perspective and approach to life because they are different from me. Not only do I learn from my own life experiences, but I get the opportunity to learn from there's as well. And then, we can give each other advice and perspectives that can help each other out.

At the same time, I think a certain amount of relatability and compatibility is important. I think personally, I might be a little too much on the diversity / challenge end. I look back at my experiences in school and college, and I think I have always been the odd ball. I never "found my people." Despite finding a good handful of friends here and there, I always felt like socializing and maintaining friendships was an up hill battle (especially when I was in college, a time that for many people is a time they socially flourish and find their communities). That said, I think always travelling uphill has built up some good metaphorical leg muscles to where I'm good at assimilating/ adapting socially, I'm good at empathizing with people in different life circumstances, I have decent conflict resolution skills, and I can generally get along with a wide range of people. However, some incompatibilities are harder to deal with than others and it has led me to feel kind of socially malnourished. I'm going through a bit of a dry spell socially because a lot of people in my life, while they're good people, are just going through it to where they don't prioritize friendship in the way that I do or they do prioritize friendship the way I do but aren't in a position to express that in a way that doesn't cause them to burn out in the process.

As a result, I have been finding myself in a loop of catch up friendships and highlight reel friendships. I wouldn't say that I'm neck deep in the lonliness epidemic and that I'm socially starved rather that I'm socially malnourished. I would equate healthy relationships that you nurture on a regular basis to where you're living life along side the other person as complete, healthy, and nourishing meals. It leaves you feeling full, satified, and well taken care of. I would say catch up friendships as like a snack. They can be healthy when it comes to maintaining certain relationships in times when logistically it's hard to spend time together regularly, but if all that you do is catch up, are you guys really in each other's lives? Like a snack, it can range from healthy and nourishing to kind of like junk food where you're watering dead plants. Either way, you want snacks as moderation and as a supplement to your meals, not a replacement. Finally, highlight reel friendships, friends where you don't have the time to sit down and catch up with and instead you mainly enounter at group events or parties, are like desserts. They don't really fill you up but they are fun and it's a way to expose yourself to different kinds of people or simply show up for people even if nothing is lining up logistically. Socially, I feel like my life is filled with snacks and desserts and not a lot of actual meals at the time due to various incompatibilities I'm encountering with my friends.

I look at the relationships I have in my life right now that I pour into regularly (it's only two, my boyfriend and my friend who had her house warming) and one big thing that we have in common is that we have similar schedules and that we're not working over 40 hours a week. Another big thing is that we prioritize friendship in similar ways and we don't see them as some kind of frivolous thing on the side rather we see it as an essential part of our lives. We also don't prioritize romantic connection over platonic ones and we are also in one form or another anti-capitalist. Even though some of us have jobs that they like and prioritize, it's not something that dominates our lives. And I can recognize that work not dominating our lives is a function of both choice as well as privilege. We're lucky to be financially stable in our age. We're lucky to have sustainable working hours. We're lucky that we don't have abusive workplaces. And I can recognize that I have friends who aren't as lucky but who want to prioritize friendship like we do but cannot. I don't want to write people like that off. I also don't think it's moral issue that people don't quite prioritize friendship in the same way as I do. I can see people who prioritize their hobbies more, their families more, or their career more. So long as that manifests in a healthy way, I see no problem in it and I would love to learn from that way of living life.

While I value diversity in friendships, there are certain boundaries I have had in the past. One big one is politics. I don't have a problem with a difference of opinion so long as you're in the liberal/ leftist spaces and you have have a constructive conversation (like please don't quote Hegal at me and say I'm not a socialist because I didn't read theory and please don't be one of the feminists who wears pussy hats lol). I don't do centrists because to me, they are usually politically incoherent world view and/or don't solid values, and can be apathetic to what's going on in the world. I don't do Republicans either because there are a lot of things I wouldn't feel comfortable opening up about because I just know it won't be received well (like no, I'm not going to open up about my anxieties around ICE patrolling D.C. with a Trump supporter, I don't feel emotionally safe doing that). That said, I can maintain coridial and respectful surface level relationships with centrists and Republicans even if I'm not friends with them. I can also engage with them politically without it devolving into flames. The people I don't associate with is full on facists or conspiracy theorists. At that point, I can't help you, you have to dig yourself out of that one.

I think the other thing that I tend to gravitate towards are people with neurodivergent tendencies who give off the vibe that they were considered weird in one way or another growing up. I find that they tend to be more straight forward communicators rather than people who expect you to pick up on hints. I also think people who are just little weird and socially awkward kind of makes me feel comfortable being my weird and socially awkward self. And by socially awkward, I mean like maybe someone is a bit quieter and it takes them a minute to open up, or that they're just a little silly to where their social graces aren't super smooth for example. I'm not talking about being socially inept lol. And as a result, I find that they tend to be less judgmental and I tend to ease up around them because I don't have to present myself as the normal spongebob meme.

normal spongebob.jpg

I guess maybe going forward having similar values around friendship, open-ish schedules (i.e they aren't being overworked to where their family and job consumes their entire lives or they have another area of life that is in crisis to where they cannot pour into their relationships), and lefty tendencies is another thing I will need to look for when I'm making new friends. Like, I need friends who are deconstructing capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, classism etc. to where they can have in depth conversations on these matter and apply them in their lives to where they're trying to put the social back into socialism. They need to recognize that friendship and community aren't convenient but they are worth putting in the effort towards even in moments where they don't feel like it, a commitment is out of their way, if they need to have a difficulty/ awkward conversation etc. They need to be people who understand their boundaries but they don't use it to insulate themselves where they are always comfortable and never challenged.

Edited Monday at 01:50 AM by soos_mite_ah

soos_mite_ah · Monday at 03:43 AM

soos_mite_ah · Monday at 04:27 AM

Working on My Internalized Cultural Nihilism Pt. 2

I wrote this post about a month ago and I have a few updates.

On 8/9/2025 at 0:32 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

The way that the nihilism still gets to me:

an over all feeling of numbness around politics (I don't give a fuck about the epstien stuff)

bad life style habits (awful sleep schedule, weird hunger cues, not working out, being kind of disorganized in my surroundings)

I haven't been making a solid effort in putting myself out there to make more friends.

I haven't been reading and I think my attention span is still not great.

I need more hobbies that isn't just journalling, listenting to video essays, and working out

I have gotten back into working out and I have been better about my habits regarding cooking and keeping my space clean. I have been more social lately as well. While that doesn't sound like a lot, I feel like it has been a good positive shift in the right direction and I just feel better overall. I still feel kind of numb around politics. I haven't been reading. And I do need some hobbies lol.

As for long term goals, I think a career change, a move to a walkable city, and more socialist friends are good to keep in mind.

--------------------------------------------------------------

My attention span still feels shot though. I also still feel isolated because my social needs aren't being met. Politics and observing the state of society still feels like looking into the abyss. My career aspirations feels stagnant. And sometimes, even when I'm "living my best life" things still sometimes feels hollow.

While things aren't perfect and is still a work in progress, overall, I feel much better about life. I don't feel burnt out as much. The existential dread I have feels more manageable. I feel less over and understimulated. I feel like I'm prioritizing resiliance, problem solving, and enjoying the journey over comfort, convenience, and efficiency which has left me feeling more engaged with life around me and more fufilled. I feel like I have better people skills now that I'm touching grass more lol. And though I don't like my job, I do think that reframing my mindset around it and me socializing/ showing up more authentically has alleviated some of the pressure and internal resistance I was feeling.

Formed Frontal Lobe Thoughts

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