Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

On 18.4.2025 at 1:21 PM, Jannes said:

Behind all the social problems I talk about there is a deeper layer.
I am just incredibly hurt. Yesterday I had a short moment where I was conscious enough to see that usually I am not conscious about the hurt that I feel because I couldn’t take it all at once it would destroy me. I need a place to heal. A few years ago when socialization went okay and I just moshroomed a few days before (which was usally very healing) I suddenly had a moment when driving on my bike where I was suddenly hit by an emotional moment of like "maybe I can start trusting people again". I thought it was a little weird and odd because it wasnt compatible with how I thought about myself and my problems. A week ago I experienced the same subtle thing though where everything went well and I was like maybe I can start trusting people again.
It seems that this is a deeper more hidden layer that I cant access right now.
And it makes perfect sense with everything I experienced since childhood.
And it explains why the moment of connection to other people can feel so unbearable because the unconscious is fighting it at least thats one explanation.

All the other things I mention can be partial truths as well but they are all a lower order of problem then this deep sense of hurt and rejection I cant access right now.

 

And I have a sense that socialization becomes a lot more effortless when this is tackled. Just a few days ago connecting to people felt that much better/ even effortless and I was confused myself.

 

[Jannes]

On 18.4.2025 at 1:23 PM, Jannes said:

The talk with the leader of the club I had a a few weeks ago had an incredible impact on me. Its so important for me to talk about my problems. Part of my healing process will definitely include people I talk to on a regular basis.

 

[Jannes]

On 24.4.2025 at 10:59 PM, Jannes said:

I have had a weird moment with an adhd-borderline person today. We talked for quite a while. He was one of these people I actually felt some kind of resonance with as I wrote before. Well the talk was good an I felt some connection again but near the end of the conversation it started to feel a little weird as it seemed that he intentionally but very uncirdectly wanted to built some kind of connection which ended in him actually saying that he senses some kind of connection and offered a handshake. From a certain point of view it might seem like a bit of an insecure/ goofy way of building a first contact but for me that kind of destroyed a good chunk of it. Its like the connection was there because we were both avoiding and I got comfortable in that. Now that an intentional connection is being built I feel weird. This might hit the core of my problems right here.

Interestingly I also sometimes overload people with being to honest about interest.

 

[Jannes]

On 27.4.2025 at 0:50 AM, Jannes said:

In my mind I have two pictures of myself which are hard to combine. On the one hand the inventor, visionary, smart guy, minimalist, .. on the other the artist, romantic, creative. Both of them are philosophers.

 

[Jannes]

On 27.4.2025 at 0:38 AM, Jannes said:

In some moments especially today while taking a 1/4 tablet of modafinil it seems quite clear to me who I roghly am and where I need to go. I am interested in philosophy, a sensitive dude who likes to be helpful and some inventive talent. Exactly how I always feel about it, I am not kidding myself. It all needs to be put together somehow.

 

[Jannes]

On 1.5.2025 at 2:37 PM, Jannes said:

So after all of this reflection I had some days where I didnt think about my problems at all, I was moreso integrating a lot. Then yesterday I remembered moments in my life where I opened up. The pattern was always similar: it opened up a huge amount of emotional energy and it was always so so important and I was always so afraid of getting hurt or being rejected. When I got rejected it then and now took like a year to recover thats how intense the hit felt. This is also why I am so careful and so analyzing of everything around me to find the right people who would actually help/ avoid the people who would take advantage of me being in a weak position.
So this night I had such a sweet dream. Where I opened up and got totally accepted for my shortcomings. Sweet dream. Maybe I am opening up to something.

 

[Jannes]

On 13.5.2025 at 10:10 PM, Jannes said:

I made a few important insights the last couple of days though. In contemplation with chatgpt it seems that I am hyper empathic and sensitive to other peoples emotions when I formed a connection. I feel super responsible for their state and have troubles distinguishing my own state from theirs. That may not be a bad thing in general, in my perspective it speaks for a higher state of consciousness, but its a little disfunctional atm. If I would have my own emotional needs better met then maybe I could be more open but learning to make distinctions between their state and my own seems important - but very inauthentic.

But that also teaches me that certain social jobs might not be good for me. Social jobs where you go to dark and depressing places with people might not be managable for me because I could be too compassionate. Maybe jobs where its also about helping and coaching people and even managing difficult situations but not too dark. Maybe if I could become healthier myself I could be strong enough for that also. So teacher in a sense could work but commanding children and restricting them in their freedom so much seems very inauthentic. There are private more hippie schools though, maybe that could be more of my place.

I am very passionate about helping people overcome problems - but there are only certain mediums and then certain jobs which actually help me. Thats where the real difficulty lies. There is a difference between complementing and coaching a person or standing up against bullies and painting a piece of art which could help trigger something in people to overcome their problems. I seem to be more on the ladder that my solution to the problem is not something that manifests out there but more in the form of imagination, idealism.. I would like to put all of the inner work I have done into something beatiful which would inspire people as that object that I would create imply the inner work I put into it so it communicates and resonates with people through this translation.

 

[Jannes]

On 8.5.2025 at 0:31 AM, Jannes said:

I felt a little sick the last couple of days. 

Interestingly though I kinda improve at socializing through that. My system just has less resources to work with and appearently oversensitivity takes up so much energy that it gets very noticable cut when I am sick. Not sure how that is for other people.

 

[Jannes]

On 22.5.2025 at 9:27 PM, Jannes said:

A moment when I felt very much connected to my inner values:

On 19.5.2025 at 10:01 PM, Jannes said:

I was never in an open relationship but I helped an ex f+ work through emotions and fear after having a one night stand. It was so painful and so incredibly open, alive and loving at the same time. Honestly I havent reached the same level of happiness that I experienced that day for about a year now. I value honesty and authenticity deeply so that may play into it.

[Jannes]

On 25.5.2025 at 3:47 PM, Jannes said:

I remember that I had a friend who had a ton of self worth problems stemming etc. from a bad childhood and I worked a lot for him. It felt incredible, honestly I thought at some point that I just need to replicate that at the future and I basically dont have to work anymore because I like it so much. 

However it just didnt really work out, I spent so much love but nothing really changed and I was running out of love myself, I thought I had infinite fuel but I didnt.
That depressed me a little. And I also had my own problems and so it came to an end at some point.
 

But this is basically still what I do all the time.

 

If I learn to get my own needs met, maybe this can be work for me. 

 

I am basically thinking that my work needs to be closely tied to the field of a social worker who works on helping people with emotioal problems, trauma, etc. Its just not clear to me what my exact taste would be. Maybe hardcore trauma would just be too much for me for example. And also much of my inventions and ideas come from this point, helping people with art though instead of directly. 

So in my life I either want to do direct social work and do my art in my free time, or do creative work as a job and at least have plenty of friends I can be the free psychiatrist for. 

 

[Jannes]

On 13.6.2025 at 1:02 PM, Jannes said:

When I really invest into someone and get rejected this hurts me a ton. Probably because I got rejected or thought I got rejected so often in the past and because I have ADD. I see this pattern throughout the last years, whenever I invest something authentic into a connection and get rejected I am hurt so badly I cant help but create some kind of a show and with it social damage for myself and shame which bites me for years. 

In all of these instances I had a very weak social backbone though, I thought the one person was my one ticket out. So this was unintelligent spending. 

I am however interested in deep connections, so I have to find a middle ground of investing into a bit more into another person at a reasonable and not delusionable paste while keeping a social backbone. Much of that calculation is done unconsciously anyway but this may help a little and it may even come up because new opportunity arise. 

 

[Jannes]

On 17.6.2025 at 3:03 PM, Jannes said:

I can have intense bursts of energy and random creativity which is super exciting especially in acting as I noticed yesterday. The amount of crazy energy is unbelievable which is sleeping deep down. But sometimes I do dumb shit through that same uncontrolled energy as well which makes me block my energy. Like yesterday as well, I played a flirting corrupt police officer stopping a car with two ladies and in my estimation overstepped a comfort line even though everybody on the outside played along with it and didnt give me much signs that I overstepped a line but I am pretty sure I did and now I overthink this shit for days and block myself. 

 

“An ADHD mind is like a Ferrari engine with bicycle brakes.”   by Dr. Edward Hallowell

 

[Jannes]

On 19.6.2025 at 2:27 AM, Jannes said:

But at my spot today it kind of went okay which was a relief. At this point some people kind of now that I have problems fitting in. Then I hugged a women I knew from before. We kind of had a weird dynamic, where we vibed but she kind of wanted more and I gave the wrong signs and then it came to a moment which felt kind of like herassment. And people around noticed and its kind of shameful for her and kind of weird for me and she often tried to overplay it with being super cool but at some moments bringing in playful sexual gestures which felt bad. But the vibe was good the last couple of times and I kind of forgot about it all and went to hug her I felt inauthentic to myself. Like I didnt want to hug her. And it reflected the same dynamic as in the club where people wanted something from me, I declined, it maybe became kind of toxic, but I still played along trying to be friends with them which felt really inauthentic. 

 

[Jannes]

On 30.6.2025 at 6:11 PM, Jannes said:

What I realized over the last couple of days is that in terms of relationships, people are monkeys. Maybe this is even some stage blue leftovers in me, but I always thought that when two people are together, it's because of some deep and spiritual bond. Not that I reasoned myself to it but it was just how I would have done it so I expected that from everyone around. But people are just taking the best option they get and when a better option comes along they have no problem breaking up their relationship or even cheat. It feels grounding to come to this realization because I was always fighting this even though it was my experience again and again and again. So what do I do with this? 

 

Another thing I realized is that I do have very specific demands of what I want from a person. I could have lots of friends but most of them don't interest me at all. I kind of feel like a hot girl who says she can't get a boyfriend. But it is just how it is, I feel lonely with people where the vibe doesn't truly fit, so I need to accept myself for that. 

But in this way it can be hard to reach the people I am interested in, as when I am lonely I kind of give of low energy which makes it hard to connect. But on the other hand 'connecting' with people I am not interested it disconnects me with myself. 

This inner struggle may stem from being disconnected from myself, I try to be a party person, connect with lots of people, get sex, because from my true self it was hard to connect to other people. But when I look back this isn't even really the case, it's more that I couldn't believe that people actually liked my real self. Or well I did find less people but a few right ones and it doesn't matter that it were less because all the potential options I have now don't even matter to me. This is some deep inner work here damn. 

 

 

 

I can't be friends with people I don't respect, I just can't. I really really like the guy whos gf I accidently flirted with and who would have choosen me over him if I let it happen and now even with trying to be hyper mature about it the real connection is just not possible. Not sure how talking about it would change things, it is kind of a big elephant in the room. 

 

So in this way it is important to heal myself to come into a position to be powerful enough to attract the kind of people who I respect. Or can people heal each other? 

 

 

 

Thought about the one time my friend at the festival greeted me with the other friends as well. They were all opening up to me for a moment. I guess I needed to take that chance at the very moment and that I didnt take the first chance might have gave them the impression that I am not interested. You just look for what you already believe damnit. 

 

[Jannes]

On 2.7.2025 at 1:02 AM, Jannes said:

I am writing with a girl atm and even though the conversation is pretty wholesome somehow I dont really get much out of it. Like even though I tell myself I am lonely this conversation just bores the shit out of me, or I cant take the feeling of connection or this is a new thought I try to make connection work but my mind doesnt create enough dopamine from simple talk so it takes me some time of collecting to respond to a message. 

It also got me thinking at the gym today, I try to be moral and all but I do have a primal part to myself, if I am not aligned to a significant degree with my devil/ primal side I just loose interest just like it just wasnt possible to logik myself into befriending the nice guy when I didnt really respect him. So when I have nice talk with this girl but know that I could be a Fuckboy if I really wanted to maybe this beta nice guy talk wont get support from my primal brain. If I had no other option then sure this is the best I got and I could settle peacefully but it doesnt seem so. 

 

[Jannes]

On 4.7.2025 at 11:51 PM, Jannes said:

Went on a walk and sat on a bench to breath. I noticed a strange feeling, for years now guilt was my default mode from never getting shit done. And now I did everything I wanted to do, like not perfect and there is more to be done, but I did a lot and was content with myself so much so that the guilt went away. And it felt so weird, not in a good way. Like there was a certain freeing feeling in that guilt as well. Chatgpt says its my nervous system not trusting the new situation and it needs time to adapt. I also fear that body doubling wont work long term, which is another layer and another reason why my nervous system might be hesitent, there were so so many attempts I made to get me going which mostly all failed. 

So lets see how things change now. 

 

[Jannes]

On 8.7.2025 at 10:30 AM, Jannes said:

I had wild wild dreams today. For some reason I woke up pretty early like I did the last couple of days. Which I usually never do. But I need my sleep so I tried to get some more and then I had all the wild dreams. So much painful experiences from my past just clashed on me, like how much earlier I could have lived life, if I wasnt so sensitive and hurt, in my dream I was half joking, maybe when I roll out of bad and fall, then maybe the pain will wake me up or give me the strengh to end this. I like to mix in goofiness when suffering, which connects to my LP wow. After two hours it got a lot better. 

Its clear that I am processing a lot right now. 

This was always the experience before, all of this shit came up when I just wanted to do some practical task. So I am assuming at least one of two things is happening, because of body doubling I actually get into the present moment and into a certain headspace which is curative by itself, or by getting shit done I finally dont feel like a looser to myself. 

 

[Jannes]

On 10.7.2025 at 1:09 PM, Jannes said:

Its interesting how I throw so many other socializing strategies which I collected here before out the window. Two major shifts happened, I left the theatre club and spoke my truth about why and I feel more competent through body doubling. That seems to give me the real fundation I was looking for. 

 

[Jannes]

On 11.7.2025 at 11:51 AM, Jannes said:

I recently read through some school letters from my myself in first or second grade. I seemed to like drawing and was always highly creative. Still one of my most beautiful memories was when I was in my room fully emersed in my own creativity. 

Thats what I like about acting probably so much, this expression actually comes from high creativity and Fi. Just that it destabilizes my mind a bit.  

 

[Jannes]

On 17.7.2025 at 3:03 AM, Jannes said:

If I built a friendship, it has to come naturally. I think I am on the right track just being outside with no one in particular but just big groups of people I know, as I dont get bored with anyone but still built my state up. And maybe from that place something cool will happen.