Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

There arent as many hot girls in my small city and I dont visit many different social spots so that is actually a pretty decent loss. 

Berlin sounds more and more important. 

[Jannes]

I feel so damn weird. I think its Elvanse. I just dont feel normal. 

It could also just be the experience yesterday. 

[Jannes]

Without medication I didnt really face the same rejection, well in my city at least, in Berlin it was a different story. 

But I also rarely made anything happen. (in my city)

For all I know yeesterday could have been progress. 

But that I am so evasive like an eel but then glue to people when I feel like I want and can have them in my circle doens strike me as healthy and also doesnt feel healthy. 

[Jannes]

6 minutes ago, Jannes said:

But that I am so evasive like an eel but then glue to people when I feel like I want and can have them in my circle doens strike me as healthy and also doesnt feel healthy. 

I wonder where leaving the old theatre club falls here. Well after sharing vulnerability I thought it wouldnt change a thing anyway.

[Jannes]

I dont feel good about Elvanse atm but I took half a dose anyway. This needs experimentation. 

[Jannes]

I feel really good on Elvanse in this moment. 

I really want a performance test, like with impro acting. My comprehension skills arent all that matter. 

[Jannes]

On 25.11.2025 at 1:07 AM, Jannes said:

Found a good message. 

I feel shitty that I sent her that voice message. Well it was needed but it doesnt feel good. 

I hugged her when I met her.

When she left she fist bumped everybody instead of hugging. She seemed normally social in the other ways though. 

If I cant control my intention to my advantage then of course I will be hesitant to do survival choices because they often create bad feelings for other people. And when its natural for me to be aware of that then it seems like I am literally doomed if I want to be authentic and survive in this world. 

I feel like my inner sense of social worth matches my chemical makeup which forces me in certain positions. Hard to tell what came first. 

[Jannes]

OH! Maybe I am thinking about the old theatre club again because I blocked Youtube... Interesting. 

[Jannes]

I still find myself with the inner struggle of going back or not. Tomorrow would be an opportunity. There are good reasons to never come back but also I loose insanse opportunites. Could go to a show in two weeks as well. 

Really there is no reason to go specifically tomorrow but some emotional discharge needs to be made. 

[Jannes]

Going feels wrong, not going also feels wrong. 

I guess my lense of fear distorts my vision but that goes in both directions, I have fear of showing up again and also fear to built something new. 

[Jannes]

I definitely dont want to crash on medication when I go back and right now I still havent figured out the medication. 

[Jannes]

37 minutes ago, Jannes said:

Going feels wrong, not going also feels wrong. 

I guess my lense of fear distorts my vision but that goes in both directions, I have fear of showing up again and also fear to built something new. 

Maybe that explains why I almost wanted to plan both things at the same time, going back to my old theatre club AND booking a place in Berlin. 

Hmm what if I faced both fears at once. What if I went to my old theatre club, but my old theatre club is now playing in Berlin and there are a bunch of other Berlin people there I need to socialize with. Afterwards a big table tennis party would take place with some of my old theatre folks being there. 

Now I face both fears at once. 

It kinda clears my mind but I dont see a direction. 

[Jannes]

Pretty intnse social evening. I felt good, like I had gained a new confidence because I felt like I could handle all the greeting rituals and could create boundaries if the need was there. 

Also saw the wpmi-girl again after some weeks now. She went for a hug immediately and I felt a little hesitant but it was okay. Emotionally a bit came up. At a later point I sat next to her and she asked me again how I was feeling and that I didnt seem like I was feeling good. Almost like the Bladerunner girl ("You look lonely, I can fix that") in the advertising spot but provoking me to say I didnt feel good. She had another guy on her side and he seemed on hyper attention noticing our dynamic. Didnt want anything to do with that, I built enough emotional distance that I basically didnt care. 

I had pretty good conversations actually. I kind of got to a point where I thought about what I want to do instead of trying to learn the rules. 

Later two guys from my old theatre club I am cool with and the girl I hooked up with a few weeks ago entered the room. Complete overstimulation, first the guys from the old theatre club representing the old theatre club and then the girl I had no idea with how to reenter the atmosphere with again. After a minute or so I noticed that they came in a group, damnit. Chatted up with one of the guys who played some Super Mario on an old console on his own. We had a good chatter actually. At some point he made a break saying he has to look for his group so I left as well, feeling that I might be unwanted anyway. He came back, locked around the room, our eyes catched, I smiled, he smiled back and I reentered the round and he continued playing on the console. It went completly over my head that we were kind of establishing a connection. I reentered later though. 

I didnt talk to the girl in the end. In my head my strategy was that when she would completly avoid my eye contact she doesnt want to talk and thats all good. When there is some eye contact then I would talk to her friendly. 

I think I was being pretty pussy. 

[Jannes]

I am building up from pretty low when it comes to my attatchment style. But I am at least conscious of it. 

It felt almost impossible oto built a connection before, now it feels just very difficult.