Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

With my ex F+ I had so many talks and she never respected what I said. I havent taken into consideration how much this might have hurt my confidence to the degree that I probably should have. 

[Jannes]

15 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I sent her a voice message and I fucking hate it. Really put everything into making it not uncomfortable. 

I am so so conflict avoidant but I need to overcome this, this is KEY. 

She pretty much instantly replied saying that she wouldnt want me to feel uncomfortable, it wouldnt happen again and Sorry. 

What do I write now, AAAAaaah

[Jannes]

I could write its okay but it isnt. Would that still be the casual thing to do or would it make me small again. I literally dont know what to do in situations like this, I am doing really deep work on myself here. 

 

[Jannes]

Found a good message. 

Took a moment but I feel a bunch of intense memories of my past are coming up, from a girl 7 years ago I saw at my way back home with a few friends who seemed to look for her first sexual experience which I avoided like a sucker, how I once got tricked into thinking that a girl would be into me but it were just classmates pranking me, my dad not being able to assert himself...

And generally more of a sense of being able to be part of the social world. 

I feel a bit emberassed that creating a simple boundary triggers so much in me, it really shows how lackluster I am in this regard but its honest progress. 

[Jannes]

Gosh I nutted in my sleep tonight, hows that for sexual repression? 

I have so many insights about my mind and everything and its just fleeting by and I cant catch it all. 

I feel emotionally dependent, I cant really process all of my emotions on my own. But that may just be because I box myself through a day without a clear purpose. 

I still hold the idea that adhd people are generally more conscious. But they struggle more to survive, so that survival struggle balances things out as it makes them less conscious. 

I kind of forgot about all my support systems of my To-Do table or my body doubling Website but without medication they seem vital again. 

Also with women its like my focus is so widespread that I notice way more when other girls are interested. I notice every small look of interest. So its not that I was super hot shit with adhd but that I noticed it more. And also interestingly my standards rise. I noticed the decline in standards with medication before where when I kind of wanted to like someone I was able to focus more on the positive aspects, I could talk my mind into liking them more but thats just not possible anymore. 

And I am more interested in variety and have less structure, even though thats important to me. Saw a girl today I knew before and was immediately triggered into thinking of how I could meet her and stuff without ever seriously thinking if I actually want her. So much confusion happens because there is no clear strategic structure inside of my mind. 

[Jannes]

My intention of wanting to go back to the old theatre club made an interesting flip I dont quite understand. 

When I dropped the medication I had a brief phase of maybe 2 days where I wanted to get back immediately. Then I got serious about it, thought a bit about how to go about it and now I dont quite know if I really want to go back. 

[Jannes]

I just noticed that blocking Youtube completly actually worked. And whenever I enter a social scene I dont have this moment of entering actual reality, I feel like I am already in it. So thats quite some progress. 

Maybe I notice it because my adhd minds craves distraction again. 

[Jannes]

Ever got punched in the face, still accepted life, became aware that you still accept and embrace life and realized you can take lifes challenges which actually awakened a deeper, more alive love for life in you?

That you could still love and be tender despite brutal challenges? That wounds make it all the more sweeter as it becomes more real? 

Blood and glitter 

That would be the theme of a fashion collection which would try to artistically express this feeling for life. 

...

My mind is a mysterie to me. 

[Jannes]

I think I could sleep 12 hours or more without the psychological productivity momentum I get from adhd medication. 

Decided to take half the Elvanse dose today. It was pretty hit or miss before, very high concentration and productivity boost but also tunnel vision and the mood was either great or depressing. So with half of it its hopefully more managable. 

I also need to find out on which kind of medication I want to stay for the near future because my RV practice is heavily influenced by my state. 

..

LOL I could listen to this song over and over again without medication but right now as Elvanse seems to become active my ears hurt. 

On 23.11.2025 at 10:39 PM, Jannes said:

 

[Jannes]

My RV trainer said that it can take months until any felt improvements are made in RV. 

Well at least it means that it doesnt have to be the case that I am unable to learn it if thats the norm. 

[Jannes]

It was weird at my seminar today. So I was being late and had a clear seat at the front but underwent a little manouvering to get to a place with this girl I am cool with. Not sure if it was weird, but it felt like it came from a place of dependence/ force. I see that socially healthy people dont have a problem with sometimes not sitting next to the same person etc. The seminar still went well and stuff though. In the end she was quickly telling me all the things she needed me to tell though before splitting basically. Not really, we also joked about something else where she paused for a research and stuff but in my fragile mind it felt like she wanted to break the contact. When we were going outside she usually brabbled about something and I followed until at some point I needed to change direction and it was always a bit akward. So this time she didnt say anything and we split. Last time we went for a hug, but not this time. My eyes were telling another story though, I kind of looked for signs for her if she wanted a hug which was akward as well. I didnt get it in this moment and my intuition told me to rather not risk anything and not go for a hug.

I think the whole story is that she simply felt the same way about the situations last time, that they were a bit weird and so she wanted to make everything clear so there wouldnt be any confusion. 

In moments like this I just dont get why I am not normal. And ask myself how its even possible that I am seemingly attractive to many girls. 

Well its just my perceived sense of unaccaptence or low self worth which put myself in a position where I dont feel worthy to initiate hugs etc. and also this sense of perceived low worth isnt a super turn off in many cases. I am good looking and reasonable well adapt socially so low self worth can actually open the door for some people who think they might have a shot because of it. 

[Jannes]

Half the Elvanse dose is working for sure. Concentration and productivity is heightened.

[Jannes]

I feel socially hurt and I did it all on my own. WTF

[Jannes]

That picture of myself that I am half super solid and half barely scraping by isnt something new though. 

[Jannes]

I also wanted to know what medicated-Me thinks about going back to the old theatre club for a visit. Well.. not sure. The 15 years anniversary would have been a more reasonable but it makes sense why it would overwhelm me. 

Unmedicated-Me doesnt perceive limits, just overwhelm, Medicated-Me kind of stops my consciousness from entertaining things which dont seem enriching. The amount of energy and love required to entertain my old theatre club is insane. But thats nothing I really seem to notice without medication. 

[Jannes]

Flew right through my RV practice today. It was a bit more then 20min I believe. I changed my strategy from waiting to get super focused to just doing it because I lost focus anyway witht the first approach and the 1 to 2 hour sessions became hell. Well I didnt really get anything right today but thats usually what happens. I cant really make comparisons or study what works because nothing so far really works. 

[Jannes]

I feel kind of socially akward. That can be attributed to not socializing yesterday and my current experiences though, not neccessarily the medication Elvanse. 

[Jannes]

I am drowning in mostly grief with some positive emotions mixed in about the old theatre club. 

Medication mixes up my whole emotional system.