Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

With my ex F+ I had so many talks and she never respected what I said. I havent taken into consideration how much this might have hurt my confidence to the degree that I probably should have. 

[Jannes]

15 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I sent her a voice message and I fucking hate it. Really put everything into making it not uncomfortable. 

I am so so conflict avoidant but I need to overcome this, this is KEY. 

She pretty much instantly replied saying that she wouldnt want me to feel uncomfortable, it wouldnt happen again and Sorry. 

What do I write now, AAAAaaah

[Jannes]

I could write its okay but it isnt. Would that still be the casual thing to do or would it make me small again. I literally dont know what to do in situations like this, I am doing really deep work on myself here. 

 

[Jannes]

Found a good message. 

Took a moment but I feel a bunch of intense memories of my past are coming up, from a girl 7 years ago I saw at my way back home with a few friends who seemed to look for her first sexual experience which I avoided like a sucker, how I once got tricked into thinking that a girl would be into me but it were just classmates pranking me, my dad not being able to assert himself...

And generally more of a sense of being able to be part of the social world. 

I feel a bit emberassed that creating a simple boundary triggers so much in me, it really shows how lackluster I am in this regard but its honest progress. 

[Jannes]

Gosh I nutted in my sleep tonight, hows that for sexual repression? 

I have so many insights about my mind and everything and its just fleeting by and I cant catch it all. 

I feel emotionally dependent, I cant really process all of my emotions on my own. But that may just be because I box myself through a day without a clear purpose. 

I still hold the idea that adhd people are generally more conscious. But they struggle more to survive, so that survival struggle balances things out as it makes them less conscious. 

I kind of forgot about all my support systems of my To-Do table or my body doubling Website but without medication they seem vital again. 

Also with women its like my focus is so widespread that I notice way more when other girls are interested. I notice every small look of interest. So its not that I was super hot shit with adhd but that I noticed it more. And also interestingly my standards rise. I noticed the decline in standards with medication before where when I kind of wanted to like someone I was able to focus more on the positive aspects, I could talk my mind into liking them more but thats just not possible anymore. 

And I am more interested in variety and have less structure, even though thats important to me. Saw a girl today I knew before and was immediately triggered into thinking of how I could meet her and stuff without ever seriously thinking if I actually want her. So much confusion happens because there is no clear strategic structure inside of my mind. 

[Jannes]

My intention of wanting to go back to the old theatre club made an interesting flip I dont quite understand. 

When I dropped the medication I had a brief phase of maybe 2 days where I wanted to get back immediately. Then I got serious about it, thought a bit about how to go about it and now I dont quite know if I really want to go back. 

[Jannes]

I just noticed that blocking Youtube completly actually worked. And whenever I enter a social scene I dont have this moment of entering actual reality, I feel like I am already in it. So thats quite some progress. 

Maybe I notice it because my adhd minds craves distraction again. 

[Jannes]

Ever got punched in the face, still accepted life, became aware that you still accept and embrace life and realized you can take lifes challenges which actually awakened a deeper, more alive love for life in you?

That you could still love and be tender despite brutal challenges? That wounds make it all the more sweeter as it becomes more real? 

Blood and glitter 

That would be the theme of a fashion collection which would try to artistically express this feeling for life. 

...

My mind is a mysterie to me.