Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

I had many difficult RV - sessions, but this one felt like a different beast altogether. My mind is going insane, it feels impossible to calm down my mind for RV. Ideally you want to enter a no-thought zone, I did that often but right now it feels like a distant memory. 

At the second part I happened to just my background so I strong contrast of black and white was created instead of the usual soft contrast of light-wood with white. That seemed to increase my awareness quite a lot.

There were two moments in which I felt relatively confident that I actually got the essence and not just an interpretation of my mind and I was super on point with those. My target was a waterwall and for movement I had "fall" and for color I had acryl and brightblue. I am really happy about that. 

[Jannes]

Just had an idea for a foursome. Two very emotionally intense and ungrounded people A&B (adhd folks for example) have sex with each other. Their sex is completly over the top intense because they can reach both reach incredible emotional and awareness peaks. But they are also very ungrounded and burn out relatively fast. So each of them has another person C&D that is really grounded but not as intense. C&D prolong the sex of A&B as they help to regulate their emotions and keep them from burning out. So A&B have amazing sex. C&D on the other hand also benefit from regulating the emotions of A&B because they co-experience the desire and emotional ups and downs of person A&B like watching an intense movie.

[Jannes]

RV - session went okay today. Actually had a couple of really good hits but also mostly misses. 52 mins.

No notes .. WHAAT!?

I had the idea of creating a simplified Metagame on Pokemon Showdown for Newbies from Level 1 to 3. It would entail most of the core mechanics but it would be vastly resuced in available Pokemon to like 20 maximum, types, movepool, items etc. so that you could get it relatively quickly as a newbie. But even with that you could integrate most of the core dynamics. And because it would be such an artificial format it could be designed with the compedetive intent and not be up to Gamefreaks random ideas. I blocked all Pokemon but can still do research on my Phone. This and my creativity and Game knowledge is enough to distract my mind a ton. I know if I would just play a little I would be an addict for the next couple of days. Repressing that was hard in the RV - session. 

I guess its because I do this dopamine fasting atm. Well I dont really care about dopamine fasting, I just dont want to get distracted/ unpurify my mind. 

[Jannes]

A lot of uncomfortable emotions come up. Eww 

I guess its because I took my medicinet so early today, that it lost it effect already. 

[Jannes]

I was explaining chatgpt the situation in full detail which is a bad habit. But it kind of highlighted many instances where she was definitely very interested and likely just overwhelmed with her nervous system which is why she was defensive. 

That plot made some sense. 

At the same time I feared the whole time that I might loose a friend with whoms girlfriend I have a good connection with and was already thinking about back to my old theatre club if things arent getting better either way. 

Then at the impro spot that guy was completly on fire, he never acted that well before. And other people had strong performances as well. 

This provoked two things in me. For one the connection with the guy seemed fine after all but it requires a lot of emotional adaptation which started in that moment. And second I doubted strongly that I was actually that attractive with the girl if the other guys could act that well. The plot that she was overwhelmed by me seemed less reasonable and so I stronger sense of guilt and shame came up. 

I can kind of name these dynamics at least but I still feel kinda shitty. 

[Jannes]

21 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I was explaining chatgpt the situation in full detail which is a bad habit. But it kind of highlighted many instances where she was definitely very interested and likely just overwhelmed with her nervous system which is why she was defensive. 

That plot made some sense. 

At the same time I feared the whole time that I might loose a friend with whoms girlfriend I have a good connection with and was already thinking about back to my old theatre club if things arent getting better either way. 

Then at the impro spot that guy was completly on fire, he never acted that well before. And other people had strong performances as well. 

This provoked two things in me. For one the connection with the guy seemed fine after all but it requires a lot of emotional adaptation which started in that moment. And second I doubted strongly that I was actually that attractive with the girl if the other guys could act that well. The plot that she was overwhelmed by me seemed less reasonable and so I stronger sense of guilt and shame came up. 

I can kind of name these dynamics at least but I still feel kinda shitty. 

I am just describing what I am feeling, not what logically makes sense. 

[Jannes]

29 minutes ago, Jannes said:

I was explaining chatgpt the situation in full detail which is a bad habit. But it kind of highlighted many instances where she was definitely very interested and likely just overwhelmed with her nervous system which is why she was defensive. 

That plot made some sense. 

At the same time I feared the whole time that I might loose a friend with whoms girlfriend I have a good connection with and was already thinking about back to my old theatre club if things arent getting better either way. 

Then at the impro spot that guy was completly on fire, he never acted that well before. And other people had strong performances as well. 

This provoked two things in me. For one the connection with the guy seemed fine after all but it requires a lot of emotional adaptation which started in that moment. And second I doubted strongly that I was actually that attractive with the girl if the other guys could act that well. The plot that she was overwhelmed by me seemed less reasonable and so I stronger sense of guilt and shame came up. 

I can kind of name these dynamics at least but I still feel kinda shitty. 

At the cafeteria was a weird mood though. Silence. And he seemed just a touch more distant. 

But they talked with each other and it seems good, just takes a bit of time until it stabilizes again I think. 

[Jannes]

Had a short moment where I got into the mood of telling a poem. I layed on the coach there, it was perfect. 

Then someone ringed at the door to get their package. Even though it was just like 20 seconds, it shocked my nervous system enough so that I couldnt reenter that state. This is very painful. I remember being thrown out of an almost mystical level love meditation by my ignorant mom back home. I will never forgive her for that. 

I never reached the same intensity and depth in meditation like back in my last school days. Hmm I experienced the biggest stage orange drive and was pretty aware from not being able to distract myself in school from youtube and even at home I rarely consumed anything and had the self control to not even look at the screen. I had a mad drive going for a year of NoFap. But all of that also resulted in having more sucessful meditation interestingly. When you have so much control that you can force a no thought meditation to happen .. thats quite something. 

Maybe just having a more active week and less distraction will get me mostly there, or perhaps my change in attitude really did make it more difficult. 

[Jannes]

I feel like this about ADHD sometimes too. 

Well the hyperfocus can be misguided as well, like when Trump though there would be a trap when the escalator didnt work properly at the UN meeting. 

[Jannes]

3 hours ago, Jannes said:

Then at the impro spot that guy was completly on fire, he never acted that well before. And other people had strong performances as well. 

I always wondered how one person in my old theatre club was such a prodigy, so much more gifted in acting then everyone else. 
He was gifted for sure but I think it was also his nervous system being constantly firing. He was living pretty hardcore and had the support to ground himself, which put him in a natural position to perform intense roles. I came to that conclusion back then and I come to it again. 

Coming to that conclusion because I feel like my friend acted that well today because his nervous system seemed on fire. And I notice the same thing about myself. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

I finally wrote the names of all of my close neighboors down so that next time I get asked if I take a package for someone I can confidently say yes or no, depending if they are on the list or not. 

Wanted to do that for at least a year or so, so great that this finally happened. 

[Jannes]

I let my mind find a new way to distract itself. This is so unstimulating and I need to think a lot myself, I dont think this will be damaging. Its an experiment.  

[Jannes]

Even found a way to listen to Vlad Vexlers basic talks through his facebook. If I am not signed in I have very limited access to facebook, just enough to view his recent talks. Hope that works.