Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

On 17.7.2025 at 4:35 PM, Jannes said:

I had another informational talk today and something interesting happened. 

Well, the talk went well and I got all my questions answered, but then I kind of got self aware and I noticed that socializing is happening and I kind of didn't had it in me. Like in a very subbtle way which was easy to miss, I was looking for approval/ acceptance from a place of trauma. We just finished the conversation like normal and sayed bye and when she said bye it had a bit of a cut off sound to it, there wasnt much warmth at all. 

I wanted to distract myself immediately and could have easily overlooked that detail and moved on, but I decided to face this painful detail and looked at the source of where this feeling of unacceptance came from. I am not sure, but I feel like it is something that I felt all my life. And analogously to I realized that by being socially accepted I dont need my adhd coping strategies, if I heal from that inner pain I probably dont have to think about all these social games and gymnastics, it could work just organically. 

I also barely became aware of, I dont know how to call it, maybe the manifestation of destructive interlanized trauma, that my mind sometimes plays with this feverish dream of sincerely building a connection with all good intent and in the sweetest moment brutally destroying it for no reason. 

 

_______________

Well I was always pretty sensitive and conscious, that very likely led me to be an easy victim for bullying, so I thought something was wrong with me my whole life and that people would led me down (which they often did). It is confusing for me how I can often be so likeable if I just put a bit into it, but maybe thats what I have to realize, that I was always perfectly okay, more then okay and then maybe building connection can happen easier. 

Maybe thats why I scan people so crazily for authenticity, because being led down would retrigger and hurt me too much to handle. 

 

[Jannes]

On 24.7.2025 at 5:54 PM, Jannes said:

Acting just doesnt leave me. And the theatre itself also not, it just gives so many possibilites to express in an over the top adhd style.

Well I dont have to become a professional actor to have it in my life, but when I do it with non-professionals you just dont come to the same quality. At least the impro theatre group I am in is so far away from actually doing acting, like none of them try or might even think that it is possible to make things seem authentic. 

 

[Jannes]

On 24.7.2025 at 8:25 PM, Jannes said:

In terms of working through shadow stuff, I have little shame about being interested in porn, but for raw presentations of power I feel intense shame and cringe that I get one up when I indulge in it. 

 

 

[Jannes]

On 30.7.2025 at 6:09 PM, Jannes said:

I am terrified of deluding myself. 

What if I am like this? 

"I have said it before and I say it again, what that boy needs is a nice big c*ck up his ass!"

 

No I am not gay but this whole delusion, of pretending to want something so much but when it is actually there running away from it. 

Its not really a fresh thought though, more an old one which came up because I texted a person of my old club, but the dynamic is still there. 

 

[Jannes]

On 4.8.2025 at 0:27 AM, Jannes said:

Also regarding spiritually, I don't think I am ready yet, I would like to have a beautiful dream. Something simple. (Picture of Logan Paul with energy drinks) 

 

The closest thing to a beautiful dream I can imagine is a theatre. When I was in a production I was always really happy. 

 

But I realize that I just can't stomach people being very immoral. Like many people from my old club, the degree of cheating, lying was just something else. And I don't even think they are particularly immoral people. 

 

[Jannes]

On 5.8.2025 at 0:28 PM, Jannes said:

I still have emotional fuzz today. This is often the case in acting that from bullshitting in acting there is a lot processing going on afterwards but you dont really know where the emotions are coming from as they were made up. 

You also sacrifice certain healthy instincts to make acting work, you deliberetly unground yourself. In nomal non-acting interaction and conflict people often act from a place of groundedness, they unconsciously feel into what authentic to them or what they want to show off and that act from that place. For people who are into acting its a little different, they sacrificed this grounded base and turned it into a clay of bullshit which can be formed accordingly. It gives new options, but its also a bluff. 

 

[Jannes]

On 7.8.2025 at 8:28 PM, Jannes said:

Emerald on the forum said shared some insight about this matter.

And I do notice the same thing. When I am comforted in a social state I can let go of socializing from a higher state. Not from below but from above. I could socialize, I am in that state but I choose not to instead but feeling all weird from not socializing enough and then not being able to tell the difference between fear of socializing and not wanting to socialize. 

 

Being in a social state gives you such comfort. It's a big fear eradicated from your mind as long as you are in a social state. 

 

[Jannes]

On 11.8.2025 at 6:18 PM, Jannes said:

Festival notes:

 

The festival is pretty cool. Add something later to this, don't want to waste my energy with overthinking on not important stuff. 

 

I observe that in many social situations I put very little in. It starts with me not greeting everone personally in the group and so on. So I often get little back. So when I notice that I ask myself why I put so little in and when the situation arises I feel emotionally blockaded, when the intention of the attempt to put something in arises I feel like crying.

 

I feel like crying trying to socialize. It has nothing to do with that moment, it's about past wounds.  

 

The regular state of I perceive myself doesn't match reality. It's like I need people to give me free love to get on eye level so that then a normal exchange can take place. 

 

Maybe that's why I put a lot of free love on people in hopes to get some of it back to heal. 

 

I seriously just layed there in the middle of the group trying to nap but it really was just an protective mechanism, I didnt know what to do so I went into a freeze. 

'Whats up party people' - WTF (to myself) 

 

[Jannes]

On 12.8.2025 at 8:00 PM, Jannes said:

Also my ego is catching up a bit from what happened at the festival. Its not like it didnt push my ego at all, I was just too tired to process it. 

I kind of miss her even though I dont think we really match.

I dont think hookups are healthy for my psyche but also I dont know how the other option of finding love work for me now because I am in a higher position of status. When you dont have many options any girl that makes herself available to you, you will feel emotions for because you dont have other options and the girl wants love at least as security. It is love from dependence. And unconsciously I kind of thought about love that way. 

So I am closer to loving freely, but will I even find somebody then?

 

[Jannes]

On 14.8.2025 at 2:22 PM, Jannes said:

Yesterday I slightly screwed up. I wanted to leave at some point but I always dont know how to, like who should I hug or give a fist bump or what, its too much grey area. So I stayed as usual. At the end I was alone with 3 other guys and that openly talked about chilling a bit outside and I was kind of integrated but also not completly, my social battery was low and I was looking for any sign that they wouldnt want me in. So because I left so late it was pretty obvious that I rejected their offer to chill, one guy even asked me if I didnt have any time or if I am uninderested to chill with them. 

 

[Jannes]

On 14.8.2025 at 2:35 PM, Jannes said:

My friend who invited me to the festival just asked how I am doing. 

Damnit I cant find the quote, somewhere here I wrote that I sometimes push people back who come to close to me. The difference between taking the quote from the past and writing my feeling down about it is that the later is more of a reaction and could have less interprative value, but maybe more actual value. 

Anyway this overwhelms be a bit. Guess I just write back while I breath slowly. 

 

[Jannes]

On 16.8.2025 at 9:04 PM, Jannes said:

Leaving my house felt SOOO DIFFICULT. 

I think I depleted my dopamine cells or something as this felt unreal, spent about 2-3 hours until I finally did it. During my inner fight I actually did some spiritual work, actual spiritual work. Going out must have felt really scary that I would rather do spiritual work then go out. I just had kind of a leap in consciousness. I often look in the mirror to check if I still look young and beautiful and I catched myself doing that and stopped me in my tracks as the more I do that the more suffering I create with that as beauty doesn't last. On my couch I wanted to check out what the essence of my previous fantasy about the good life was. As I consciously wanted to scan it I noticed that I couldn't fully activate that image in my mind. Any conscious attempts failed. So I realized that I could only get it when I allowed myself to slip into the fantasy again, but that would mean that I needed to sacrifice observing it consciously. So only through the lowering of consciousness was this possible to experience. And then I noticed how I, in that moment was just choosing if I wanted to indulge in that fantasy or stay conscious. So I asked myself what I really want and this echoed some sort of art, but I didn't really know. But knowing what I really want is the base for all the other decisions so what did I really have .. ?

 

That's beautiful work, you can just lay on your back and work through your mind with truth as your compass. But you really need to have your shit handled to do something like this.

 

[Jannes]

On 17.8.2025 at 7:15 PM, Jannes said:

I was noticing a bit of a pattern. This one very honest observation is a good suspension point. 

Whenever people try to built a connection with me I feel like I am fainting. Its like I never really learned to make space for that or something. It feels so uncomfortable, I want to jump out of my skin, GET AWAY FROM ME!!

Like I want it desperately but I cant take it in at all. Why not? Is it trauma?

 

[Jannes]

On 17.8.2025 at 7:32 PM, Jannes said:

What a beautiful drawing.   

But here is what it entails, me wanting closeness but at the same time I can only tolerate this closeness when I push people away. Obviously a double standard, any person with healthy attatchment will leave this abuse. 

I had this image in my mind a year or so ago but I never really wanted to express it, because it was too painful. More honesty!!!

I might have worked through it to some degree, but I dont think that the tendencies are just going to vanish like this. 

edit: Need to make some space on my computer, then I will upload. 

 

Never would have thought that it would take so long to read through the entire journal and I only quoted the most important things here, I didnt even make sense of them yet. 

_______

For some reason I cant make new posts in this journal anymore. Maybe the fact that I quoted so much blocked the mechanism of making another post. 

Oh this is not just blocked from this journal but in gerneral I cant make new posts or start a new thread. That is shitty. 

Wanted to write a PM to ask for help and it said I reached my posting limit, I should wait 24 hours. No problem I will post tomorrow then. I can at least work with this post editing it again and again. 

Edited August 19 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Wow, I can post again. I guess a Mod or Leo helped with that.. Well Thanks!

[Jannes]

Okay so I kind of hoped that I would find patterns in there that I didnt see before. But really I just found myself having the same insight over and over again from different angles. I got a lot better though over the months as I moved closer to the core of the problem I already identified.

So my problem is obviously that I was hurt socially and that these unhealed wounds shape my current experience in such a way that when a new social opportunity arises these experiences are like a wisdom lense from the past from which I interpret the new situation which is quite problematic. 

 

This is how they effect my social situation:

- I feel blockaded from opening up

- Connecting feels painful

- Authentic parts of myself, like bold, crazy or energetic energy rarely come to the surface

- I underestimate my social value

 

What made the healing process unsucesfull so far:

- Moral concerns, I dont want to use people who give me support but whom I dont give anything back

- I see very fast if a person isnt trustworthy. I am overly sceptical. 

- Its dangerous to connect to the wrong person and get hurt by them because I am so ungrounded so I pass non optimal chances. 

- Because I dont understand my own value, I often dont think a person would actually want to help me

- I get side tracked chasing pussy. 

 

Also my authentic self might be vulnerable by nature. With adhd I often do dumb shit, so I have to take backlash regularely. And I am likely just sensitive and helpful by nature which is easily exploitable. 

 

// Interestingly summarizing this feels very hard for some reason as it seems I am fighting with my unconscious which wants to stay alive with unconscious pattern. Shows me that I am working in the right direction. 

Edited August 20 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Its interesting that my social problems are the first thing I tackled. For more then a decade now I tried to get better but there seemed to be such heavy blockades. 

Really on most days I mostly think about my social problems, my age, fashion, how I can make money, how to avoid work, my old club, how to get pussy and why I dont even want it at the same time and maybe a bit of spiritual stuff also. When I do think about the spiritual stuff its beautiful though. 

 

So generally I have to come to terms that I am not really there yet. God, philosophy, meditation retreats, many LP opportunities, all of that needs a survival foundation first. 

[Jannes]

How animals give each other ommunication signs. Reminds me of a situation I had at a club and others. When a situation doesnt seem accidental it most likely isnt. 

 

[Jannes]

Maybe my social struggles make it more likely that I tend to go for the PUA route. But random sex isnt even all that satisfying to me so there isnt much of a reason to do it. 

The problem is sometimes I just so horny and I dont want to feel restricted from this opportunity. 

I was think that when I seriously commit to a relationship that it will probably hold a lifetime because thats just what I am really good at. Maybe I am also overestimating myself idk. 

[Jannes]

I cant get remote viewing out of my head, I dont really think about alternatives. As I said I must find out if its bullshit or not fast, the only problem is that it can take time to learn. Maybe I need to connect to other remote viewers to get a better feeling if its real or not. What I have seen so far makes it likely that it exists, nothing smells fishy, only the question remains why doesnt everybody know about it.. ?