Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

What a beautiful drawing.   

But here is what it entails, me wanting closeness but at the same time I can only tolerate this closeness when I push people away. Obviously a double standard, any person with healthy attatchment will leave this abuse. 

I had this image in my mind a year or so ago but I never really wanted to express it, because it was too painful. More honesty!!!

I might have worked through it to some degree, but I dont think that the tendencies are just going to vanish like this. 

edit: Need to make some space on my computer, then I will upload. 

Edited August 17 by Jannes

[Jannes]

Goal of today is to go to bed early! 

[Jannes]

Just watched Star Wars - stories of the underworld. The story with ventress is a bit cheesy, its okay but not really good. The first episode of the Bane story was cool, the rest not really. Bane is just such a one sided character, just a total douche. 

[Jannes]

14 hours ago, Jannes said:

Goal of today is to go to bed early! 

Went about 1,5 hours earlier to bed then usual. I woke up around 1,5 hours earlier as well. 

I used this opportunity to go the gym. It wasnt like super early but relatively early so I expected the gym to be pretty empty sparingly filled with elderly and a few unshowered individuals like myself but it felt like boom time, way more chicas then late at night when I usually go and all fresh -- how embarassing. 

But yeah I wanted to get into some sort of routine like this again because the good life always felt like it had waking up early and a fitness routine in the morning for me. 

I can already cross some points in this list. But the real game changer would be actually making money from remote viewing if it works, so I am kinda putting the horse before the cart but also not entirely because that routine seems healthy independently if I archieve remote viewing money or not but it would especially fit into a personally tailored routine which remote viewing work would allow me to follow of course. 

On 15.8.2025 at 1:29 AM, Jannes said:

I think there is some value in writing this fantasy down though, as maybe at some point I reach this possibilty and will be overwhelmed not knowing what to do with all this freedom as right now I can think from the comfort of not having freedom. 

I would wake up early to go for a jog, jog to my local gym to do some yoga. Afterwards I shover at the gym making a comfortable walk back home thinking about the day. I make myself a super healthy smoothie bowl. Then I go for my first remote viewing contract. Maybe I do some more meditation afterwards or chill with some music. After I refreshed I do my second remote viewing contract of the day. Then I go to my theatre club. I have my second family in this theatre there and we practice for a new play. Back home I make myself some lunch and relax to some chill music or podcast. In the evening I spent time with my partner.

This is one possible day, on an alternative day I could also do volunteering work instead of theatre for example, or I could have a performance, or I could work on a project, on spirituality, or I could spent more time on my own or with my partner.. 

But these seem to be the right pillars for me: slowing down, spirituality, theatre, health, relationships, time for myself, giving back

 

To make this work whats really important is a certain degree of restriction of freedom. Like a schedule for the theatre, a schedule for volunteering work, a schedule for my yoga class where I go to etc. On top of that I would like to work on my projects then, but pure freedom everyday would be madness. 

[Jannes]

On the Discord server they have a remote viewing target of the week which I did. They did this since april 2022, so I have a lot of material to practice with. 

I wouldnt call my session sucessfull. If I got access to all the techniques my process would be faster, but I first want to find out if its possible or not. 

[Jannes]

Fell into a bit of a coma. I hope I GET energy from this morning routine at some point lol. 

[Jannes]

The problem of this gym morning routine is that it is strongly associated with this productivity, self-improvement mindset. Sure its also a bit of that, but moreso an artistic and conscious way of designing your life. 

I did go to the gym for self improvement etc. for so long, maybe thats why I get a bit of that taste, or maybe I am just expecting too much. Only on Friday is there a Yoga course in the morning, not sure if its possible to do Yoga elsewhere every morning.

[Jannes]

I went to bed a good hour earlier yesterday but got out of bed half an hour later then yesterday. I really didnt want to go to the gym today, honestly I was contemplating if I want to quit right there, but I was feeling a jog a bit so I went with that. But it was already nearly noon, I wasnt like an early bird where it would be acceptable to go out unshowered, so I did some basics. I need a cap or something for these instances, for some reason I was overly aware of that fact. It was so hot outside and bright outside. The first few meters jogging felt healthy and fire but then it sucked, I never had fun doing jogs anyway. Did some pushups and pullups at a park and went home. If I dont even get energy from this today I really dont know what the point of it is. 

[Jannes]

I also had muscle soreness from training my legs yesterday..

I am also a bit of a crybaby though, never would have thought that fitness would be something I would struggle with. I got pretty comfortable. 

[Jannes]

Interestingly this new habit makes my mind a bit fresh though. Could also be that its something new and gets me out of my house. 

I think this is the perfect moment to finally read through this journal. 

[Jannes]

Although I am not sure if I am avoiding doing remote viewing instead. Both would be great things to do though, so even if I 'distract' myself, it wouldnt be the end of the world. 

[Jannes]

I am thinking a lot about my age. Every day even. With 26 years old I am still young but I am slowly loosing opportunities for romantic partners in their peak beauty. I can still have somebody who is like 20 years old, but if I grow much older then people this age will just be too immature for me.  

You need a lot of time to get over something, not sure if one romance is enough for me. I dont want to feel like I have missed so much.

Well I definitely did but when I am working on it, I can feel better right away. 

[Jannes]

On my way on reading through the journal from the very start. 

This strikes me as worthed to highlight:

On 27.2.2025 at 10:40 PM, Jannes said:

When I am in deep emotional unbalance I need nothing more and nothing less then a gentle closeness like when a water strider carefully walks on water. 

[Jannes]

This whole accidently flirting thing had a bit of this dynamic: I was emotionally at unease and because of my poor impulse controll I looked for emotional support around me. Some people, some girls gave it to me but also got emotionally attatched from it. 

I never made the conscious choice that I want something from them and felt inner conflict for taking love and not giving something in return. 

Luckily this ciycle is kind of broken..

[Jannes]

On 6.3.2025 at 7:16 PM, Jannes said:

I notice that I could potentially be a very crazy, bold and energetic person. 

[Jannes]

On 6.3.2025 at 7:21 PM, Jannes said:

"Deep love could heal me could kill me." 

[Jannes]

On 18.3.2025 at 3:33 PM, Jannes said:

I am thinking about strategies on how to deal with my adhd currently. A big one seems to be that it’s hard to get out of the emotional state into the prefrontal cortex for doing tasks because the brain lacks dopamine. It suggests that whenever you get into the emotional soup, you should take ACTION to get out of there, dealing with your emotions by feeling through them doenst work because the brain never has the dopamine to win the fight and get out. But then on the other hand am I not surpressing emotions? It’s a difficult balance to strike. I feel like a combination of both worlds would be to talk to someone. Working on finding someone for that..

All of that taking action thing and other events in my life got me into socializing a lot again. Its often in patterns, I try to do it a lot, get exhausted and crawl back into my shelf until it too lonely. I see pros and cons to socializing, on the one hand I actually feel more emotionally in touch with myself especially in my belly area, on the other hand I could go insane from all the bullshit of other people.

Today I thought about theraphy again like: "omg what am doing with my life. I am wasting years being unsucessful because I barely get by emotionally. Everything falls because I am not in my power. I need to stop everything I am doing and go to theraphy. Afterwards I can enjoy life again."

I liked Leos analogy of trying to change a conservative like trying to change a biting dog who is so fucked up so that he instinctively becomes agressives when one tries to change/ come close to him. Thats me when I am emotionally ungrounded. Of course I dont actually become agressive but act out in ways that builts a distance.

[Jannes]

On 6.4.2025 at 0:47 AM, Jannes said:

 

It hit a little weaker then the first time I heard it. 

[Jannes]

On 15.4.2025 at 9:56 PM, Jannes said:

If I bond I dont want to bond out of desperation but from a healthy state of not neediness 

 

[Jannes]

On 13.4.2025 at 0:55 PM, Jannes said:

I dont want to use a person in the middle ground as a spoungeboard to help me feel better about myself so that I can reach the high apples.