Finished the LP course

[Jannes]

Its interesting how I throw so many other socializing strategies which I collected here before out the window. Two major shifts happened, I left the theatre club and spoke my truth about why and I feel more competent through body doubling. That seems to give me the real fundation I was looking for. 

[Jannes]

On 8.7.2025 at 0:23 AM, Jannes said:

I am chatting with a girl for weeks now over a dating app. Its really interesting purely getting to know somebody before sex. Not sure where this is going, but I am in for the experience. 

Its becoming really boring tbh. We sent ourselves like two or three voice message how our day went and stuff. 

Yesterday she didnt sent anything as an initiative and so I didnt respond the whole day. Honestly I feel basically zero connection to her. I think it would have worked if I was thinking that this would get me in bed with her somehow, or if I had any motive other then that. Or maybe we really dont fit together and this just honestly showed that. Or maybe men simply need sexual love first. Not sure. 

[Jannes]

I overslept a lot today.

It all feel like a lot today. And interestingly I checked off all or most of the delayed tasks which I wanted to do, I am now in territory, where I have to decide what I want to do next. Scary stuff. 

[Jannes]

Havent done a lot today. Felt mostly confused with no direction. Some of the shame and unconfidence came up because I am not in touch with what I want in life, as I work in no direction. 

Maybe this is a good time to meditate and get my unconscious processing. 

 

This freaking song also did some damage, I listened to it I dont know how many times by now. It doesnt have a lot of earwig potential, not that I like it really anymore but somehow there is always still some dopamine to squeeze out of. 

 

Note: I also did some radio for this exact reason, most songs arent as stimulative as they arent super my type and when one is super my type it goes by.

I am thinking how I can explain and articulate how a song I can have on repeat is bad and distracting.. -- Well, the first time you get a big dopamine spike and you listen to the song again and again wanting the same spike but each time it is lower so you get just a bit of dopamine mixed in with quite a lot of suffering actually which is quite interesting. 

 

edit: removed the song 

Edited July 10 by Jannes

[Jannes]

I listen to Apple Music Radio sometimes and then Chill Music. Sometimes its great, oftentimes it sucks though, so I have to find another radio for that. 

[Jannes]

Maybe I am still processing that I am actually in a position to change my life right now.

I am also not sure how I want to go about my dating life. Having balls and talking to lots of girls is great and I want to keep that up but what about sex and relationships. I want to keep things conscious, so open book game only. But how do I find opportunities for it, do I actually (NOT in theory) want them? As an INFP this can be a trap, as INFP types love the idea of human connection but not really the reality. Just heard that as a phrase but it hits home. Well there are definitely quite a few situations where casual sex was on the table and I was in for it or where romance was on the table and I was in for it. Its just important for me to stay grounded in what I want. And be content with myself so I dont look for others to fill a void like when I was emotionally unstable. Basic stuff, but an important insight when you have it yourself and not just read about it. 

[Jannes]

11 hours ago, Jannes said:

Its becoming really boring tbh. We sent ourselves like two or three voice message how our day went and stuff. 

Yesterday she didnt sent anything as an initiative and so I didnt respond the whole day. Honestly I feel basically zero connection to her. I think it would have worked if I was thinking that this would get me in bed with her somehow, or if I had any motive other then that. Or maybe we really dont fit together and this just honestly showed that. Or maybe men simply need sexual love first. Not sure. 

I didnt sent any message today anymore. I just dont think I am authentically interested. It is how it is. 

Or maybe I am but this was not the way so far. 

Edited July 10 by Jannes

[Jannes]

On 9.7.2025 at 10:21 AM, Jannes said:

NOOOOO 

https://www.actualized.org/insights/best-bushcraft-part-4

Watched these today. 

Its interesting how being out in the wild can change your personality. The first one was acting and being funny weird at some points. Societal pressure makes you normal in some ways, so when that pressure is off mixed in with thrill from adventuring you are free to be more weird and wild. 

I also really liked the dramatic scene where he was just about to shoot the pig but then decided to not shoot it as he saw it was a mother pig even though he was hungry. 

[Jannes]

This is probably the weird thing for my mind. Atm its not just about practically getting things done as I seem capable of that now, but dreaming about what future I want to have. I did the latter by default to the point that it distracted me, now I have to consciously allow that. 

[Jannes]

One of the great things about teaching was that you could do it part time and then focus on spirituality when out of school. Not sure if other social jobs allow for that to the same extend. 

The other thing is that I think about practical technical jobs more as those dont distract me from spirituality. This wouldnt be a pro teaching argument though. But with add I have a motivation problem as well, so I would probably be pretty bad at technical jobs because none of them really interest me I think. 

So social jobs might still be my best bet. But honestly I have a hard time imagining which social job in particular I would find interesting, but I am so interested in human psychology there will likely be some. 

As an INFP I have Fi , which is introverted feeling as my primary mode of operating so I probably feel good in many social job areas. 

[Jannes]

So when I decide to switch degrees from teaching to philosophy (and education) bachelor as an intermedium degree I might loose some options. A philosophy and education degree isnt worth a whole lot. 

[Jannes]

I recently read through some school letters from my myself in first or second grade. I seemed to like drawing and was always highly creative. Still one of my most beautiful memories was when I was in my room fully emersed in my own creativity. 

Thats what I like about acting probably so much, this expression actually comes from high creativity and Fi. Just that it destabilizes my mind a bit.  

[Jannes]

I think everything I wrote so far made a ton of sense. 

I am highly creative and emotional but also spiritual so I dont just want to give people ice cream to get over their problems I want to give them something spiritual.

On 17.6.2025 at 9:53 PM, Jannes said:

-> Artistically pointing out existential beauty in relative uglyness to heal people.

 

Some parts in the thread were about thinking how you could create spiritual content. 

Like maybe you can create things which are just so beautiful like Apple Products, or style that this can remind you of spirituality indirectly. 

[Jannes]

18 hours ago, Jannes said:

I listen to Apple Music Radio sometimes and then Chill Music. Sometimes its great, oftentimes it sucks though, so I have to find another radio for that. 

This is a good free alternative and it can be started fast without much loading. 

https://somafm.com/player24/station/groovesalad

[Jannes]

I was in university today and right now I am putting all my data from iCloud to Google Drive and so there is a bunch of background work on my Laptop and because my laptop is so slow it takes a lot of time. 
In university the internet is very fast though so I saw all of the items one by one getting uploaded. That was so satisfying to watch, as an adhd person who struggles his whole life with not wanting to get the things done that he wants.

[Jannes]

But with my LP, I also realized that I need some kind of grounding outside of it. Like I am not sure if I would be happy working on spirituality and creative endavours my whole day, I need some structure as well. So this is where these social jobs might be great. 

[Jannes]

8 hours ago, Jannes said:

I think everything I wrote so far made a ton of sense. 

I am highly creative and emotional but also spiritual so I dont just want to give people ice cream to get over their problems I want to give them something spiritual.

 

Some parts in the thread were about thinking how you could create spiritual content. 

Like maybe you can create things which are just so beautiful like Apple Products, or style that this can remind you of spirituality indirectly. 

And I couldnt really be spiritual because my survival situation was a mess. Already said that but I rememberd this just again and it felt striking. 

[Jannes]

https://www.actualized.org/insights/a-toothy-couch

 

Had a philosophical conversation with a picture of old Johnny Depp yesterday. He gave me many deep insights about life. 

[Jannes]

I texted the leader of the club back more then a week ago.. I was silent for about a month after leaving the club because my survival situation changed so much, I wasnt clear anymore what was true. 

Hasnt wrote me back yet. 

[Jannes]

I had a good social opportunity which I missed today. I was so tired the last couple of days, probably because of all the inner processes.