In Need Of Life Advice.

[LifeLife]

Hey guys. I am really cornered into a box at this moment and I don't know how to escape this mess. Hopefully someone can help me or at least offer their opinion. All my life I have been dealing with completely debilitating anxiety - and I am not exaggerating. I haven't been able to make any friends or connect with people because of this. To keep optimistic I have always neglected looking at my problem as anxiety, to strive to accomplish things. 

Whenever I bring up the problem people always refer me to see a psychologist. This is my problem. I have no other problems in any other area apart from severe social anxiety. But what do you do when (this is the situation I am in ) when you are 20 years old - Your parents are kicking you out, you cannot make friends, you have no job, all jobs you have been fired from due to your anxiety - so no experience, no one wants to hire you (I have literally applied to hundreds and changed up my resume multiple times), no money to consult medical help you are literally completely debilitated from society.

Seriously scared I can go homeless soon here.

 

Thanks

[Wyatt]

All of the situations and negative outcomes you've experienced and communicated here paint you out to be the victim. You have to be honest with yourself: Am I the victim everywhere I go? What kind of negative ramifications on my life could that have if I always feel like the victim of everyone else? Is there a way I could take these "negative" experiences and use them for growth and learning?

Have you thought about getting a certification in a certain field you enjoy? Maybe you could read some books on how to start a business or market yourself? Have you thought about looking into a sales job, where you could practice your communication skills everyday? Once you start facing your fear of speaking with others daily, and start contemplating "what's the worst thing that could happen if I say something stupid/boring/annoying?", you'll begin to break the connection you have with the fear itself.

As far as a short-term solution to your living situation, I can't think of one that would be free off the top of my head. Some hostiles are really cheap.

[PetarKa]

Watch this video (it transformed me completely):

Take notes on the video. Write it somewhere so you can look back on it every couple of days / weeks. Do the affirmations for at least 100 days (that's how long I did them). Start pushing your comfort zone one inch at a time by doing things you know you can but still bitch about (find the right balance for you). Two remarks about the affirmations:

1. Instead of "I love being confident.", I used "I am naturally confident.". It resonated more with me.
2. Each time you do the affirmations, visualize / imagine how your confidence level increases just a tad bit every day and how you become more & more independent of others' opinion.

If you want to go all out, do them for 300 days. Write a checkmark (or anything similar) for every day you did the affirmations. Don't skip days or you will fall off track. Take my word for it, I was incredibly anxious and shy 1-2 years ago. In short, now I feel completely confident and like I've outgrown that. Do this! It's only 10 min a day. ?

[Harikrishnan]

Start a meditation habbit for atleast 20 min and come after 3 months. ?

[Alex K]

@LifeLife Hi, first of all, why don't you answer in your own topic? I can try to talk/help you. Just PM me if you really need to figure out the stuff.

Edited May 6, 2017 by Alex K

[alyra]

I had pretty much the same situation myself a few yeas ago. 

 

TBH tho - my parents were willing to house me for the past few years. 

 

but basically I - I looked to the future and to the past. if I saw something that I HAD done that was stronger than what I was doing now, I knew that I could do it again even if not this day, someday. and If I saw myself worse off than the now moment, then I knew that I had improved since than. I looked back a few weeks about. And I'd look to the future and realize, that the now moment is so small in comparison to where I can go. So that as long as I make it through the now moment and try to do my best, even if my best isn't very much, it will eventually get better. and then I will be glad to be there, to have pushed through the hardest times of my life. 

 

and I am glad I am here, to have pushed through the hardest times of my life. 

 

at my worst I found strategies to get me by, for the times I didn't have the courage to go wash the laundry (across the yard I'd go) or to buy food (If hungry enough that was enough to send me out) and any day I managed to get washed in the morning, was a better day than the others. The main strategy I had to spend the day was one of avoidance, but also I made sure to find windows of opportunity to face myself and my fears and my anxieties and my stresses head-on and let them be. sometimes only for a second, but I faced it knowingly and to dare to look at it, and also to observe it as neutrally as can be. 

It was very important that I knew to try to face it earnestly as often as I dared to, and to push myself to grow that daring. 

Over time I had enough courage to be with my anxieties for several minutes, and I found that naturally thoughts, while at first would be negative, along with emotions - they would tend to move towards positives. because part of me knew that these negative thoughts were untrue. it was not easy to see at first. It got easier over time, over the course of months was when I'd notice significant enough growth to be proud. only a few weeks was enough to see growth enough to motivate, but it took a few months to really feel like the growth I made was a permanent accomplishment. Small steps at a time. 

Once I started to notice that my thoughts and emotions would actually take a path naturally towards positives, even if that positive was only temporary or took some time to reach, That is when I realized I could grow that too, not just the bravery. So I'd grow my thought processing. I don't know exactly how to explain what happened in this regard, but I can say that now, when I have negative thoughts - they immediately lead into positivity in some way. whether I see the positive in the contrast to the negative, or maybe I have positive emotion but negative thought or positive thought but negative emotion, or maybe it just quickly turns around. That, over time I changed my mental patterns from being self-feeding negativity, to being.. well, that there is new patterns instead. when I think "I should've done this", in the past it would turn to more anxiety and negativity, but now, it turns to - it just moves on to my next focal task, with that knowledge of what I could've done being just a mental note, a chance to grow for next time. It's really a good thing now even. I dunno if I talked of this very well... 

 

Another thing that made a lot of difference was improving my general health habits. I saw my doc a few times and some specialists. I found food patterns that give me enough nutrition and calories, consistently - I can even stock pile up, and eat for a week without having to go to the store with my options of meals. TBH one is a big 'ol salad inspired from leo's video, another is a huge veggie soup inspored from leo's other video The third main thing is rice-based meals, which I can really mess around with the recipe to add variety. I have 4 kinds of rice so I can have the rice be in different ratios each time, and I have tomato sauce for when I want that, beans for when I want that, and corn and green beans too, and peas for later. cheese/yogurt for making it creamy. a number of spices to choose from. and canned meat and frozen fish to choose from. I could make it as complex or as simple as I want. The most variety is in the rice dishes, but I also eat about a pint of that each day.  I have a "small serving bowl" as a big meal bowl that I mostly use (2 actually) and I have the third floor to myself - so I can wash dishes in my room, using 2 dish tubs (one for rinsing) and the bath's faucet as my water source. I have  a rice cooker and a toaster oven. And a small fridge. That's all my resources for eating really and it is enough, probs don't even need all that tbh, you can live off of canned foods and a rice cooker. wash it using a sink. but it's nice to have extra than the minimum.  (another of my meal options I go with is sandwiches - usually PB&J based, you can put extras on that too for variety. hot pepper flakes are yum, or bananas, or cheese, are what I usually add to the PB&J) 

 

 

The other thing that made a surprisingly Huge difference, was seeing a physical therapist. because I've had anxiety all my life - and I didn't even know tbh - I had a LOT of tensions in my chest, shoulders, neck, back. I damaged my knees from bad walking too. But the biggest thing was the shoulders - I didn't even notice - but a Lot of my anxiety was actually nothing more than the negative feedback loop between my emotions and my physical condition. negativity led to stress, stress led to negativity, a vicious cycle - and when I realized this a lot of my perception shifted - from thinking that I was hopelessly absorbed in stress/anxiety - to realizing that in just a month I could wash that all away through proper exercise. during that month I was seeing a physical therapist twice a week, and he helped direct me on exercises to improve my shoulders and neck. Later on I started doing yoga, found a good yoga teacher who teaches "gentle yoga" as the class is titled, and helps keep you aware of dangers to avoid, and benefits to focus on. the class is easy and simple, basic poses instead of a lot of complex ones. It is helping my bodies' general health, and I feel more mobile/flexible/strong/capable, physically, from the exercise. I now try to go for two 20 minute walks a day, especially to make sure one is in the sun. 

That is another thing too that changed my life - was making sure to be awake with light, and asleep with darkness. I always preferred the darkness - and actually too much time in the dark disrupts your circadian rhythm. having good lighting on during sunlight hours is very healthy in this way - and especially if at least 15 minutes of that light is natural light outside. This wasn't possible at first tho. but just the lighting, and doing a calming activity for an hour before sleep, between the two of those my sleep got a lot better, and my energy got a lot more consistent. Another thing that helped my energy was - I made sure to be well fed one day, and then the next day I fasted - only water - it's important to drink plenty of water - but I fasted, no sugar or any calories of any kind. just water. and after 16 hours your body gets flushed of the sugar cycle and a few similar benefits. I did this two times, a month apart, and during that month I worked to reduce my sugar and salt an oil intake. but I actually reduced too much salt and oil, so it took me six months to get to where I am now where I don't go randomly to junk food, I eat only home made meals. but the important thing was the sugar and carbs cycle - this creates a bad cycle in your blood which gives you disruptive energy throughout the day, highs and lows of energy. without the sugar dependancy my energy is so much more consistent - especially on the days I eat salad for 2/3rds my meals. I try to aim to have veggies and no rice for my morning/noontime meal(s), and the rice dish for evening meals. I also make sure I get enough protein - two of the rices I have have protein in them, well I count lentils as rice and I have nuts and either eggs or salmon to put in with my salad. and more too, peanut butter is good for protein.. cheese if you check the label... idk all of it, it's hard to make sure I get enough protein, and also enough fats. if I don't I have serious BK cravings and BK is overloaded with fat, salt, sugar. lol. but like I said it's really only the sugar you need to not have, you do need fat and salt in your diet, but IDK in america it is too easy to load up on simple carbs, salt, fat, and sugar, and too much of those is bad. you technically don't need carbs either but idk I like them in a meal. 

 

And generally speaking I am slowly working on everything. I sort of "put anxiety behind me" (well I still get anxiety but it is nolonger a limiting factor on me - it doesn't self-feed and loop and collapse me, it is just a passive thing now, it feels healthy now, as the warning it is supposed to be, instead of the monster it became for me) But now I focus on working on my mood consistency, to not just be "done" for half the week. and on healthy habits, turning my healthy half-weeks in a two week period to full healthy choices almost every day. I'm working on my motivation and my focus and my strategization now. 

 

 

Since this is long I want to reiterate the main thing that made a difference. It was to have patience for myself, to realize that it will take time to grow, and that growth eventually becomes.. permanant... built on itself.. that, for a while it will be slow and hard. but then eventually it will be plentiful and abundant, easy, well not easy as in no longer hard, but easy as in no longer impossible. 'cause the truth is life is always hard - when things are easy we don't notice them, and find a new way to challenge ourself. and that is exciting - it is growth. 

And with that patience I put forward effort. Whenever I can manage too, even if it is only a tiny adjustment to my mental behavior, or only effort for a few seconds, I put it forward and feel proud of what I do. and if I then go back to feeling miserable and avoidant, that moment of positive effort was good - it was practice - it was exploration - and with that comes growth. 

[alyra]

Oh and - the very first major change to my habits and perspective that, for me, really got this all going.

 

Well, a quick aside - generally there is a lot in my life that I did before these years which helped prepare me for what I did. In general, people grow on their own accord without even noticeing - so what experience you have to prepare yourself for your focus on growth now, could easily be a different set of preexisting skills than what I had to work with. And technically the first thing that spurned on my growth these past few years was watching Leo's video on addiction - I never really felt like anything in my life was "an addiction" but generally spekaing I felt like my patterns were patterns "of addiction" - sometimes I would binge on food. sometimes I would binge on netflix. sometimes I would binge on games. and anyway what leo said in that video that really spoke to me - was the idea that maybe, all addiction is actually just avoidance of what happens when we are doing nothing. thoughts, emotions, etc. and that itself spoke loads to me - because my life was nothing but avoiding the monsters that arose in my mind when I left myself without some kind of engagement to distract me from them. so hearing that and having that "eureka moment" was the major kick start to my self-growth. I'd always generally been interested in self-growth, but I let it be a side task.. on the backburners.. something that just would happen when it happens. for the past three years tho, it was my #1 priority. 

 

Ok so now -  the first major change for me was the following - 

 

first, I realized that the real meaning of "success" was - to live. as long as an organism prolongs its life, it is succeeding. Sometimes it is more successful sure - but the minimum for the organism (for example us humans) to do to be successful, is to keep ourselves going. And so I identified four things that if I did them every day, then I could say my day was successful. (knowing of course that it wasn't an ambitious day, and I would prefer ambitious days - but to keep my day, good, healthy, natural, positive, a success - that was the intent) and for me those four things were: Bathe, Eat enough, Tidy, Brush teeth. even if only the minimum to say that I'd done those 4. The idea was, that for us to be alive and well. overall, we must eat plenty, keep our hygene well, and have a usable shelter. So if in one day all we do is the minimum to sustain that, then that is a good default habit to fall back on in the hardest days.

 

Second, I had a paradigm shift regarding my thoughts - I noticed that, when I said to myself, "I need" or "I should" or "I have to" or similar ultimatums - that there was a truer reality to those statements than that. that no "I" do not need "thing" but instead - it is three ways. there is me, who does the actions. there is a goal, which is desired. and there are preconditions, which must be met to reach that goal. so - I don't need. If I want [goal], then I must [task]. I don't need the task, and I don't need the goal. I just like having the goal, so I feel a need for the task - but the only true need is the goal needing the precondition. I am only the actor which chooses which goals to pursue.

 

Then, I expanded upon that - To start over time, saying "could" or "would" or "want" or "am doing" instead of the ultimatum words "should" "need" etc. To name my intentions as wants I am not obliged to. The reality is - I want them, so when I can I will do them. there's no need to mentally yell at myself for not doing them, hehe. it is like a game or a hobby instead of a task or obligation. and this makes it easier.

 

So those first steps where what made the most impactful changes for me, all along the last few years. even now, those things are so relevant - when I have a bad day, I have something to fall back on that I can trust is enough. And - my thoughts are so free of necessity now, they are neutral and pleasant in that way. I've expanded upon how I say what - it is too complex to detail it all really. but I am very adaptive now with naming my goals and interests for myself. I still am trying to work on setting up a more full day more consistently, and on being more motivated and focused. but that is not for lack of growth - there is just so much I've been working on as well, that these things just didn't get the attention I wanted to put into them (than for example, my neck pain) 

 

and the key thing really - is that it is OK. Doing anything at all is better than doing nothing. And whenever I can notice that I've changed, that itself is inspirational.