Internet Ventilation

[endgame]

I'd call my self 'broken' in many ways, both emotionally and mentally. I've think I've gone through all the major stages of depression and more. I've cried a lot , but mostly I've been terribly angry. I've also been suicidal, melancholic. Broken contact with a bunch of people I knew. Lived both in moments of very low self-esteem, but also accepted who I am. I've tried pushing through the tough times both physically and mentally, sometimes by forcing me to do things I don't want to do. For the moment I just feel exhausted and tired. Tired of feeling anything at all or doing anything at all, as I just try to hook on to anything to get by the day. I'm more okay with who I am now, as I feel there is little point having a tug of war with my self.

Along with the love of my life being held up in a the most cinematic way imaginable at a club by some random guy, to being laid off and miserably failing at the university gig, I think I've finally lost my identity. It's mostly just a distrust in other people and a disgust for 'the system' as I call it. 

I've tried to cope with it with alcohol, gambling, computer games, porn.. to things like eating healthy, exercise or finding a meaningful hobby. A while ago a guy I studied with killed himself.. it was completely unexpected though I noticed a pattern - it seems like it's always the ones who deserve it the least. He was a humble and outwards happy guy, unlike the other fucks in class with their bloated egos. I suspect we shared the common trait of being decent people, which seem to be harder to find as time goes on.

Leo's videos could definitely do me good, but I don't feel that I'm willing enough to embrace the teachings. I believe it's the same phenomenon that occurs when watching any motivational video - you get a 'high' of sorts, but in the end nothing has really changed because all you've done hit a dopamine feel-good response watching the videos. I don't want to turn to antidepressants to somehow 'trick' my perception (although Ironically I've thought of Ketamine treatments), currently seeking to talk to a professional. Any input is appreciated.

Edited April 26, 2017 by endgame

[Loreena]

@endgame Maybe this may seem wrong/right to you, but it seems you need extensive therapy. I am sorry you're going through such a tough time. But the internet doesn't help that much. Sometimes it adds to it,

Try journaling and keep a diary. Work on inner healing. You are in damage mode, slowly try to go into healing mode. Baby steps at a time.

Good luck on your journey and don't be disheartened Keep faith and then everything falls into place.

[endgame]

I doubt the internet can do me any harm, as I believe any input I get on my thoughts is going to be better than me ruminating. I'm going to try talking to a therapist and see if it does me any good, though sometimes I forget what it is exactly that I'm trying to heal. I don't think my thoughts affect my performance at school or my relationships.. rather the other way around. 

[mostly harmless]

Check Ajahn Brahm on youtube.