I'd call my self 'broken' in many ways, both emotionally and mentally. I've think I've gone through all the major stages of depression and more. I've cried a lot , but mostly I've been terribly angry. I've also been suicidal, melancholic. Broken contact with a bunch of people I knew. Lived both in moments of very low self-esteem, but also accepted who I am. I've tried pushing through the tough times both physically and mentally, sometimes by forcing me to do things I don't want to do. For the moment I just feel exhausted and tired. Tired of feeling anything at all or doing anything at all, as I just try to hook on to anything to get by the day. I'm more okay with who I am now, as I feel there is little point having a tug of war with my self.
Along with the love of my life being held up in a the most cinematic way imaginable at a club by some random guy, to being laid off and miserably failing at the university gig, I think I've finally lost my identity. It's mostly just a distrust in other people and a disgust for 'the system' as I call it.
I've tried to cope with it with alcohol, gambling, computer games, porn.. to things like eating healthy, exercise or finding a meaningful hobby. A while ago a guy I studied with killed himself.. it was completely unexpected though I noticed a pattern - it seems like it's always the ones who deserve it the least. He was a humble and outwards happy guy, unlike the other fucks in class with their bloated egos. I suspect we shared the common trait of being decent people, which seem to be harder to find as time goes on.
Leo's videos could definitely do me good, but I don't feel that I'm willing enough to embrace the teachings. I believe it's the same phenomenon that occurs when watching any motivational video - you get a 'high' of sorts, but in the end nothing has really changed because all you've done hit a dopamine feel-good response watching the videos. I don't want to turn to antidepressants to somehow 'trick' my perception (although Ironically I've thought of Ketamine treatments), currently seeking to talk to a professional. Any input is appreciated.