It's insane how little I know and how stupid I am

[Keryo Koffa]

I've been binging Actualized.org videos by release date for the last two days, I've achieved a state of intense emotionless focus where I can instantly reprogram my subconscious as I simultaneously meditate and do yoga while listening at 4.5x speed. And I'm only realizing that all the effort and focus I'm putting into this, which is like 10 magnitudes beyond what I was before, is itself being recontextualized.

Imagine learning to draw and repeating the same movement to draw a line a thousand times to get it right, I'm so focused I can get it right the first time and it doesn't matter because there's ten thousand other shapes I need to learn to draw and as I adjust to that I realize my limitations and release them to accelerate, but now I have to learn to interconnect all these ten thousand shapes among each other which feels like I need to learn those million patterns but then I accelerate my creativity to spot the meta-pattern to get it done in time and now each has an equal amount of emergent properties so ten thousand to the power of ten thousand, and then I discover this is just the normal level that everyone else is operating on, or it could be much higher, all the skills humans learn every day, all the dimensions of reality that we correlate together in our brains, the immense know-how we absorb every second.

And then I look back at my psychedelic trips and it's like I'm sitting waiting for something to happen, to receive some love, or see some colors distort, or hope for something to happen and as much as all my past progress revitalized and elevated me, it's foolish. I need to be conscious every second of my life, I need to instantly memorize and interconnect every complex phenomenon I observe. I'm so wishy-washy, my posts are stupid conceptual distractions. I had no idea how much ego there is, I though: Okay, so I'm not human and reality is love and blah blah blah. But the experiential alienness is far beyond that, the quadrillion meta-patterns eluded me, it was like I was back at school unmotivated trying to grasp a concept, when I can fully understand it immediately now and a thousand more in seconds and just have to keep going.

Imagine an unmotivated student taking a week to learn how to count versus one who is attuned and gets it immediately and realizes the thousands of upcoming mathematical branches to come. I've been very much a victim and it's insane to what degree. And I'm waking up and I'm waking up and I'm waking up and I'm so stupid. I will be paying attention to a thousand things every second from now on and on my next trips I will deeply introspect and observe how reality manifests itself in detail and relation to every other part.

[Hojo]

look back at your childhood dreams

[Breakingthewall]

 interesting, as long as you know that reality has infinite complexity. That means that a little is the same as a lot.

[Raze]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1q_3RwffAz0