Where Lies The Line Between Doing The Emotionally Difficult Thing?

[HelloThere]

There was a video about One Simple Rule For Acing Life. I really like the idea as it seems simple (not easy) and to the point. I was trying to keep this rule in mind in my day to day life and make the hard choices whenever I remembered to choose them.

Sometimes I would get confused though since I was picking between two emotionally difficult things which were difficult for different reasons. E.g. I would realize that the reason it was difficult to choose some action was that it was just an action that seemed to have no benefit and would pretty much be a stupid (waste-of-time) choice. Ok, fine, I don't have to do that then. Then I started thinking that doing useless things and also bad (harmful) things also fall under doing the emotionally difficult thing.

Since the mind is so good at tricking you and morphing perceptions of situations to support your own biases... I started wondering how can you tell the difference between a "good" thing that is emotionally difficult to do, that SAME "good" thing that the mind has reframed somehow to seem like a bad thing (so that you believe you don't have to do it) and an ACTUAL bad (harmful) thing. The reframed "bad" thing will also be emotionally difficult to do but for a different reason that you conjured up. And if you are not supposed to do the "bad" (harmful) emotionally difficult things then how do you tell the difference so that you won't do it. When does the good reason to not do something become an excuse? This won't always be obvious. This kind of made me sad that maybe the rule isn't as good as it sounded. 

Have a good day, thanks.

 

Edited April 17, 2017 by HelloThere
Tweaking

[Sevi]

The rule is thumbs-up good tool; seems like the confusion here is about the distinction of what is good,what is bad for you.

You seem trying to be very cautious about not choosing the wrong thing for the rule, and have gotten lost in your mind.

Sometimes till you take action about whatever it is, uncertainty of compatibility of the subject to the rule just lingers.

Sometimes on the way to it, you understand what is what, what you really wanted, if it's ego related, ... things come to clarity on the way sometimes.

And it's also important to remember, ego is not a necessarily bad thing, badness of it hugely depends on your personality and your conciseness level. It is just a tool like a knife: in a surgeon's hand you save lifes, in a killer's hand you take lives away.

There is this saying: if you were locked up in a cage with a wild lion, would you like to have that lion hungry or full? 

And that lion is our egos and 'have to' be fed the right way. Well, what I write right now is very very nuanced stuff, not be taken to the wrong way; but in some scenarios it's good to remember that.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Sevi

[HelloThere]

16 minutes ago, Sevi said:

Sometimes till you take action about whatever it is, uncertainty of compatibility of the subject to the rule just lingers.

Analysis paralysis basically. Yeah I try to avoid that as much as possible (succeeding is another thing ) and still take the action and it's messy and it feels crap sometimes but that's normal I guess.

17 minutes ago, Sevi said:

You seem trying to be very cautious about not choosing the wrong thing for the rule, and have gotten lost in your mind.

Correct. An easy way to not make any progress is to trick yourself into thinking you are making progress but are actually avoiding the actions that bring progress. I've done that before and it is such a shame so I think it would be valuable to fine tune my bullshit detector for my own thoughts. If I need a reason to justify why I'm not going to do something I will most likely find it. The rule is mostly benefitial probably but I was just wondering if there are any additions that could make this rule of doing the most emotionally difficult thing more fool proof to the tricky weasely mind. Until then, just going for it is better than being indecisive I guess. Goes well with the "doing leads to thinking but thinking rarely leads to doing" idea. I just noticed the potential threat there when you get into the middle ground between bad and "bad" and might not know the difference. Choosing to feed the ego/lion what it wants might be appropriate maybe to keep it from making you overly emotional/irrational from starving it too hard (idk I'm not so knowledgeable on the ego subject). But I'm pretty sure that feeding the ego when you can't choose (when you can't tell that it is happening) is a pretty bad case. That's what I'm basically trying to identify/avoid. 

 

[Sevi]

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

I've done that before and it is such a shame so I think it would be valuable to fine tune my bullshit detector for ...

You are being so harsh on yourself, please don't do that.. you are a human being at the end of the day, and every one of us has a right to 'trick ourselves into thinking' here and there, once in a while.. please be easy on yourself, sometimes your inner self might be knowing better than you: meaning, may be you might need a little time to be emotionally ready before you get into the action... friend yourself.

 

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

just wondering if there are any additions that could make this rule of doing the most emotionally difficult thing more fool proof to the tricky weasely mind. Until then,

you are just scared. And that is okay:) it's more simple and energy friendly to say: I am scared. This thing scares the shit out of me. I don't think I am emotionally ready for this, I just need a little more time to ground my emotions.

And that is a very reasonable, understandable need right there; you are behaving mean to yourself by disregarding the importance of your emotional needs and you are fighting to it and creating a lot of mental noise not to see what you are doing to yourself. Honey. Don't.

 

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

But I'm pretty sure that feeding the ego when you can't choose (when you can't tell that it is happening) is a pretty bad case. That's what I'm basically trying to identify/avoid. 

((Give that little poor ego a little chance and juuuust A little treat; and then if  it misbehaves and really frustrates you, then we can talk again.)) Here I wanted to say: just to be easy on yourself. To wait for the chaotic inner talk to calm down and then, as you say, identify the situation is accurate. 

With love:))

Edited April 18, 2017 by Sevi

[Sevi]

1 hour ago, HelloThere said:

feeding the ego when you can't choose (when you can't tell that it is happening) is a pretty bad case. That's what I'm basically trying to identify/avoid. 

Oh! I'm so sorry! This is accurate. You are right. in that case you can not. I wanted to mention that you just need to listen what the ego tries to express to you. My apologies.

[Salaam]

@HelloThere

You learn to differentiate between shallowness and depth, hollow or gray feels vs richness and meaning.

You gain a relationship with your feelings of resistance, so you can differentiate between a resistance to something with meaning and richness and depth versus resistance to something that is shallow and hollowed of meaning and vibrancy.

Your relationship with comfort changes, so you can tell the difference between needing rest and indulging in the kinds of feelings and thoughts that push us to avoid challenging things that will gives us greater access to meaning, richness, and depth.

[HelloThere]

@Sevi What you are saying is comforting. Also taking it slow while making little progress is better than brute forcing and getting disappointed and overwhelmed and quitting I would agree. It's just since the whole point is literally about doing the emotionally difficult thing then I try to take succumbing to comforting thoughts very carefully. This rule is a very tricky subject for me.

@Salaam One can hope to learn to get a very reliable feel for it over time I suppose.

There are some nonvague emotionally difficult things that I'm not very confused about being good for me so I guess I'll try and start with the no brainers first

[Salaam]

@HelloThere

Yup, it comes from core development in our ability to differentiate feels, our sensitivity to nuance, and being able to process distinct multiple layers and how those layers inter-relate. All the while building a perspective, based on a history of experience, that gives you a map for both the short and long-term effects of our choices, while still saving space for potential change and evolution to that perspective as you grow.

For example, I have access to things in my body that kind of give me these electrical surges of euphoria at night. Now it feels amazing to indulge in, but I can feel a threshold within that experience, that If I let myself pass, stresses out my body and creates a long-term detriment if indulged in chronically.

I've learned from experience, sensitivity, differentiation, and dimensionality that over-excitation in these instances negatively impacts the coherency and fidelity of my emotional process, while also washing out the meaning of things from the over-inundation of pleasure. Over time, this understanding has impacted my emotional palate and preference for pleasure throughout my life. I now balance my preference for pleasure in relation to my feeling of meaning, coherency, etc. which in itself is growth, via the refinement of my emotional palate, which in turn increases the quality of the choices I make.

It's like, development in one thing like differentiation for instance, opens up access to development in another like sensitivity, that once developed as well, opens up new access for the development of the original core capability.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Salaam

[HelloThere]

@Sevi @Salaam

E.g. recently had a hands on training with some girls in the group. 
One seemed to be showing more directed interest than others to me. Kept staying in the moment, was staying mindful to not have any pointless worrying thoughts and try to keep an internal feeling of outcome independence that I myself would believe to be true. Interaction is going well.
Come lunch break and I'm like I could try and get a conversation going about where to get something to eat but that would be a little messy(emotionally) or I could go home which is just a few minute sprint away and eat my own prepped meal. Thought fuck it I'll go home since that's what I had planned before anyway which was followed by the thought that the whole reason I prepared the meal was to keep my calories straight and not have to worry about cooking stuff. 
I mean technically I was correct that that was the ultimate promise to myself that I want to keep and so it was the right thing to do.
BUT all this rationalisation, which I would say is correct, came after I had remembered that I had a caloric goal in the first place and had made the emotionally easy choice. Anyway lunch time is over, gotta head back.

Just giving an example of the sneaky mind here

[Shin]

It is very simple.
Feel your body, and choose the situation that feels uncomfortable, especially the ones where you feel fear.

I'm not talking about what your mind tells you, I'm talking about your emotions.
Your emotions never lies to you.

@HelloThere

I told you to drop your mind, and you answer me by using examples of how you use your mind.
I hope you see the problem there, otherwise no one can really help you.

Edited April 29, 2017 by Shin

[HelloThere]

@Shin Well both directions can be uncomfortable for different reasons. Both of these directions can also be pleasant for different reasons. One method of staying positive and happy relies on this principle. You can mostly reframe a negative situation into a good one in your mind by thinking to yourself "ok, that unpleasant thing happened, but what "good" doors/opportunities did it open for me?" 

Anyway, the last example had a pretty obvious answer though and this would have helped indeed:

30 minutes ago, Shin said:

Feel your body, and choose the situation that feels uncomfortable, especially the ones where you feel fear.

@Shin When I say "uncomfortable" I mean emotionally difficult. And while I continue thinking about this topic all I have had is trying (or failing) doing the emotionally difficult thing in the meanwhile anyway.
Thank you for your input.

Edited April 29, 2017 by HelloThere

[Sevi]

@HelloThere

10 hours ago, HelloThere said:

@Sevi @Salaam

E.g. recently had a hands on training with some girls in the group. 
One seemed to be showing more directed interest than others to me. Kept staying in the moment, was staying mindful to not have any pointless worrying thoughts and try to keep an internal feeling of outcome independence that I myself would believe to be true. Interaction is going well.
Come lunch break and I'm like I could try and get a conversation going about where to get something to eat but that would be a little messy(emotionally) or I could go home which is just a few minute sprint away and eat my own prepped meal. Thought fuck it I'll go home since that's what I had planned before anyway which was followed by the thought that the whole reason I prepared the meal was to keep my calories straight and not have to worry about cooking stuff. 
I mean technically I was correct that that was the ultimate promise to myself that I want to keep and so it was the right thing to do.
BUT all this rationalisation, which I would say is correct, came after I had remembered that I had a caloric goal in the first place and had made the emotionally easy choice. Anyway lunch time is over, gotta head back.

Just giving an example of the sneaky mind here

Actually you are doing great.

 

10 hours ago, HelloThere said:

but that would be a little messy(emotionally) 

Doing the emotionally difficult thing doesn't mean that you rush  and force yourself, especially when there is 'emotional connections with others' are on the scene.

I see you with a calmer mind, aware about what's happening in and out, and there is a will to take action. So this is it actually, you grow in your own pace: you cannot make a two year old boy drink gallons of milk in one night and expect him to turn to 6 foot tall guy the next morning. With emotions, generally they let you know when they are ready.. it's like having a cat, you don't order them to do things. They do it on their own pace and way because of their appreciations to your genuine efforts.

[HelloThere]

Haha, I don't consider myself a perfectionist but this part here really resonated with me and this "tricky subject" : How To Stop Being A Perfectionist
I still take action daily but I can totally see how you could spend your time on mental masturbation about getting it just right basically instead of just executing the roughly drawn out plan. Then learning/tweaking the plan from the results.

@Sevi And yeah accepting that it will take time is key. I don't really notice big changes ever but when I think back to a year or two ago it is a bit creepy how different some things are.

Edited April 30, 2017 by HelloThere

[Sevi]

@HelloThere the creepiest is yet to come

[Salaam]

On 4/29/2017 at 5:58 AM, HelloThere said:

@Sevi @Salaam

E.g. recently had a hands on training with some girls in the group. 
One seemed to be showing more directed interest than others to me. Kept staying in the moment, was staying mindful to not have any pointless worrying thoughts and try to keep an internal feeling of outcome independence that I myself would believe to be true. Interaction is going well.
Come lunch break and I'm like I could try and get a conversation going about where to get something to eat but that would be a little messy(emotionally) or I could go home which is just a few minute sprint away and eat my own prepped meal. Thought fuck it I'll go home since that's what I had planned before anyway which was followed by the thought that the whole reason I prepared the meal was to keep my calories straight and not have to worry about cooking stuff. 
I mean technically I was correct that that was the ultimate promise to myself that I want to keep and so it was the right thing to do.
BUT all this rationalisation, which I would say is correct, came after I had remembered that I had a caloric goal in the first place and had made the emotionally easy choice. Anyway lunch time is over, gotta head back.

Just giving an example of the sneaky mind here

Did you want to go to lunch with that girl who was showing you interest? It reads to me like you did, but found the risk or resistance to doing so uncomfortable and rationalized it as sticking with your previous choice. Would you agree with that?

We're almost always going to have to make choices amidst conflicting desires. It's within that conflict of competing emotions and wants that we have to parse out which directions will afford us the greatest satisfaction and potential, despite their up-front costs, difficulty, and potential risks.

It seems like you chose the easier, more comfortable choice for you. Which is fine, if that's what you truly wanted the most at the time. Do you regret not asking her to go to lunch with you?

[HelloThere]

@Salaam Yes that was exactly my point. Thought it would make a good example for how you can paint an action to be totally beneficial and EVEN "the emotionally difficult thing to do" almost instantly if you overlook some small detail and are not pedantically honest with yourself. 

I'm not beating myself up about it now as it is the past and can not be changed, new opportunities will always come. I was more disappointed about missing an opportunity to do something uncomfortable but fulfilling as an experience since I do feel good after stepping out of my comfort zone nowadays. That first step out of the comfort zone though, that's a doozy .

 

[Salaam]

@HelloThere

Ah cool, I thought that might have been where you were going with that, but I was a little unsure if you were seeing it the same way I was

And you're right the first step out into tension is often the hardest, but then we adapt and with success we get to feel the great things that come afterwards!

What's real helpful in keeping ourselves accountable in these situations is cataloguing a personal history of our patterns of behavior and tendencies when faced with the tension of leaving our comfort zones. If we know we're great rationalizers for instance, we'll be more aware of that pattern and less likely to fall prey to how it hustles us. Or if we fall prey to the "it's too hard" or "I'm too tired" avoidance flavor, we can develop counter-balances to interrupt those patterns and put our focus in a more constructive place.

Knowing our limitations and our tendencies for self-created inertia.
 

Edited May 3, 2017 by Salaam