Forestluv

Hmmm, not sure if that is a insecurity-based fear or an odd phobia. Occasionally when I am in an audience, I have a fear of yelling an obscenity. It can cause me anxiety.

@Marinus Ahhh, I did the same thing as a student. Now I do the same thing as a professor. Working long hours studying, learning and creating lessons. When I take it easy, it feels good. Maybe because we are learning something new that we view as meaningful? That we accomplished something? I always feel better after learning new principles of art / science vs. conceptual debates over politics and reality - they leave me feeling hollow afterwards.

Fun stuff. I did notice that Leo always starts off with a "hey". Similarly, I always start off a public talk / video with a short quick breath and "OK". I also do a short quick breath and a smile any time someone takes my picture. I never noticed until someone pointed it out to me.

@Visionary Concepts and thoughts are concepts and thoughts. It aint "it". I spent 25 years believing "it" could be conceptualized and understood. Now, thoughts and concepts about reality, truth, the ego etc. interest me just like thoughts and concepts about last week's football game interest me.

One "ah ha" moment for me was awareness everything "IS". The rock "is" a rock. The flock of birds "is" a flock of birds. This thought "is" this thought. We live in a world focused on the items. "The rock is different than the birds which are different than the thought". Any concept that tried to equalize those obviously different items always sounded "foo foo" and was never satisfying to me. "We are all one. I am the rock and the rock is me" was fun chat in Starbucks, but c'mon give me a break. My whole reality was focused on differences among the items. During one of my trips, there was awareness on the "IS". Everything "IS". There were no distinctions. The bridge "IS", Jumping in the river "IS", the sky, tree, dog, concept, memory, feeling . . . all "IS". Any thought, action, feeling all "IS". I couldn't escape it. The thought of individual expression of the infinite IS the thought of individual expression of the infinite. The concept of "You" IS the concept of "You". The concept of "ME" IS the concept of "ME". Anything you think, feel or do is "IS". Anything we see, hear, feel is "IS" Any word to the left or right of "IS" is a thought, concept, image. I LOVE language, thoughts and concepts. I spent the whole day today creating concept presentations and basked in the creativity. Yet, fundamental Truth is that "IS". There is no separation among any thing - all "IS". It's so freakin' simple yet sooooo fundamentally different to how my brain works. This new perspective took me into the insanity zone and felt trapped. . . more "IS". I lost all control over defining things, giving meaning to things. The thought "the sky is beautiful" is the thought "the sky is beautiful". I went into a panic and relieved I didn't freak out.

YOU = ME. But also YOU ≠ ME There is no separation in those statements. There is nothing / everything. As soon as one creates a "something" it becomes separate from nothing / everything. How can there be something separate from Nothing / Everything? 1. YOU = ME = Everything = no separation 2. YOU ≠ ME = Nothing = no separation 3. YOU = something and ME = something different = separation Logically, #1 and #2 excludes #3 (although at a higher level a nondual everything would include #3 since it is a thing within everything).

"Worth" is just another vague label. Just like "meaning", "value", "success" etc. Early on the path, those types of terms and beliefs had a huge impact on me. I spent two decades developing a positive self image. Now that positive self image may be strong enough to be killed off and done with.

I'm pretty sure that one also got killed off during an Ayahuasca ceremony. If that one is truly like the wave of that big ass ocean, is it not the big ass ocean? Why make a distinction? How can the all-encompassing meet something? It is all-encompassing.

1. The law of nothing / everything.

I've experienced many ego deaths. When the self dies it's gone. There is no "lower" or "higher" self. In my experience, absence of self is nonduality.

Routines can be great for progress, yet for me, routines can create habitual ways of thinking and believing. A comfort zone that’s hard to step out of. Last summer I spontaneously took off and lived immersed in South America. Very little planning. Living with native tribes and locals while learning Spanish broke my habits and pryed open my mind. After a few weeks of that I didn’t know who I was anymore. When I returned, I realized how little awareness I had of my local enviroment. So many fascinating things I was unaware of. I realized it’s all perspective and I never needed to travel away in the first place! ?.

I learned more from four hours of my first psychedelic trip than 25 years of meditation. It was the first thing that killed my ego and brought me to a nondual experience. And with that glimpse a crack has been opened and I've had a few mind expanding experiences while sober. Each has involved stepping outside of my habitual comfort zone. For example, I am learning my first foreign language (Spanish), I've entered places in my brain beyond my habitual / familiar use of English. Last summer I lived immerse in South America for two months. I spent weeks with native tribes and locals - far from tourist routes. The environment was outside my comfort zone. They spoke no English and we could only partially communicate with my intermediate level Spanish. I went stretches of days/weeks without seeing anyone that looked like me or had had similar experiences or beliefs as me. There was no news input. My habitual thoughts and beliefs were no longer in the echo chamber. After a period of time, my story and my beliefs no longer seemed real. I thought "who the hell am I"? And I really didn't know. When I returned to the States I felt like a stranger in my hometown, in my own house. I walked into my workplace and felt like an imposter. And “vague” answers used to annoy me. I’d get frustrated in buddhist discussion as they spoke in vague, esoteric riddles. And some would smile and nod as if it made sense! Why wouldn’t the just explain it in plain English?! ??. . . Now, I finally know why. . .

I've contemplated that same question and unsure of "the answer". Yet, my sense is that awareness of the present moment and simply being is "it". Using terms such as "self-inquiry" and "meditation" makes that "it" a something. A something is separate from other somethings. Yet, that "it" is not separate from anything.

Hmmmm, so a solo retreat without talk and thought would be nondual. And. . . using inherently dualistic language to describe my summer trip to Peru is also nondual - because the fundamental nature of nonduality cannot be separate. So, the nondual must be a "nothing" and "everything". Because as soon as I try to classify things as either "nondual" and "dual", I am making "nondual" a something that is separate from a "dual" something.

@Brimstone Accessibility needs two separate entities - one trying to gain access to the other. So yea, it’s inaccessible.

@Joseph Maynor I intellectually acknowledged the ego as an illusion for 20 years. I went through all the letting go and surrender motions. It wasn’t until I went to the ego-death zone with psychedelics that shit got real. Entering the insanity zone and having all control stripped away has at times included struggle, intense anxiety and even terror. My days of meditation and group discussions on letting go of the ego and developing a compassionate heart is like a warm blanket and s’mores compared to facing ego-death head on.

@Aimblack My path involved 25 years of self improvement. I worked a lot to improve my self, to develop a positive self image. That fragile, insecure self became confident and independent. My life greatly improved. After 25 years of strengthening, it seems I may finally have a self/ego that is strong enough to die. It has been a difficult process with fear and struggle. Several times have been so intense, I said enough - never again. Yet I keep getting the calling to return. I can’t imagine working through this with a weak ego. I just wouldn’t have done it

I find it interesting how much attention is given to “happiness” in spiritual circles. I suppose that’s an easier sell than “surrender and ego death”.

For me, your model breaks down when you include duality: inside vs. outside.

@Leo Gura To me, the term dualism suggests bimodal distinctions. Yet, wouldn’t continuums also be considered dualistic distinctions? E.g. “He drives a LARGE truck” includes dualism (The truck he drives is seperate from other smaller trucks he does not drive). If so, wouldn’t most adjectives in language be dualistic since they compare seperate items?

@AleksM Thanks. I'll let that settle in for a while. . .

Yes I have read it. That is not what I am getting at. It's not it, yet It's also not not it.

I've had glimpses into what I think you are describing. The closest I can describe the experience: "is" I am becoming more aware of how my mind keeps adding to "is" - adding thoughts, concepts, judgements, separation etc. For example, I've noticed every time my mind uses an adjective - it is adding to, and separating from, "is". (Doing that is also "is", yet it seems awareness of what "is" is becomes reduced or lost).

And off we go!. . .

@Visionary Authentic is an adjective we subjectivly assign. It is a judgement. What is. . . is. No need to analyze or judge. Just be.