Forestluv

Sounds like surrender ?. Thats when I turned the corner

Three times have been so intense I wanted to kill myself because it was the only way to make it stop. I’ve either struggled like hell for control or surrendered. And the worst part was that I was also powerless to kill myself. Full on insanity. And then it disapoeared and something new arises, which I also don’t have control of.

@Patang The stories in my head are dreamlike. Yet, they seem so darn real!

What metric would you use to determine that 90% enlightenment cannot exist?

And how is that reflective of someone's "bar height"? Would someone who became enlightened while being constantly tortured in prison for 10 or 15 years be at a "higher" or "lower" bar?

I'm a university scientist/researcher that integrates science and metaphysics.

What is. . . is

It seems alive-ness appears and disappears in the moment. I question the idea that I am a self that continues through time.

Some of my work has been identifying what is preventing me from experiencing deep sadness, insecurity, fear and pain. Resolving that has allowed the sense of "being it".

I’d bet the majority of couples in monogamous relationships don’t really want to be monogamous all the time. The frequency of cheating is quite high. As well, some people I’ve met in open relationships have a strong type of commitment. They are often married or have a primary partner. They fully communicate with each other abt their activity

@ValiantSalvatore I’m cosidering going open with her, yet not in the current environment. We would need to build a much stronger foundation. I think most people are immature and unsecure. The exes she mentions are obviously looking for sex and are filled with drama. What I’ve seen so far with the “compartment” idea is inner conflict. There is this sense she is trying to protect something private, hidden from me. She tries to get close to me, then gets unresponsive and distant. She can be very guarded. I’m more into consistently growing together. It’s like she has these blocks to growing deeper with me because this other guy is taking up so much space in her head. I’m not sayin open can’t work. Yet, if a couple wants to develop deep trust and intimacy and walk through uncomfortable personal growth together, I think open would present big hurdles. In the same sense that a long-distance relationship would present hurdles.

My current GF has done open relationships. When she describes the ideal, it sounds a bit intriguing. Her two main points are 1. that no one person can meet all of a persons interests/needs and 2. that she can put lovers in “compartments”. Relations with one man does not threaten or take anthing away fom relations with another man. She can be fully present within each compartment. Yet, when she describes her actual experiences, they sound unhealthy and a mess. Something I don’t want to be a part of. We agreed to be monogamous with platonic opposite-sex friends. Yet, I can tell she yearns for an ex as a secondary partner. They have been volatile in the past and he has hurt her. She says she wants to progress forward together and her ex isn’t worth sacrificing our relationship. Yet I can tell she still yearns/fantasizes about him and I think it’s a barrier for us to develop deeper intimacy.

My meditation teacher went mental after decades full of study and meditation. He’s no longer able to teach and the buddhist center closed down. He worked his whole life to create that center and now he lacks the mental stability to leave his house.

@alyra Go through ego death. A couple times I experienced so much terror I wanted to physically kill myself as that would be the only way to make it stop. I didn't think I feared death until I did an Ayahuasca retreat.

Lately I’ve noticed how dualistic language and human interaction is. Solitary time away from technology, such as in nature, gives a better chance of catching glimpses of insight.

Also try loving someone for who they are - free of the fear of losing a self interest. I'm gaining awareness of a higher love with my gf. Yet it has nothing to do with her per se. It seems that developing this higher love involves being ok with all possibilities, including losing my status as her one and only lover. What a paradox.

At zero ego, what determines the direction of passion? Could that egoless high conscious passion be expressed through staring at a leaf for 8hrs straight? Constructing an elaborate dollhouse with toothpicks? Designing high conscious artificial intelligence?

Wouldn't this also be true for "good" mental stimulation like designing bridges, developing innovative technology and conceptualizing solutions to complex social problems?

Regret lost it's grip with the awareness that there is no "chooser". There is no "me" making choices. Thoughts and actions appear. Past events could not have gone differently because there was no choice.

During an Aya ceremony there was this form of absolute clarity. Everything was understood, yet there was nothing to be understood.

I have those moments. Perhaps moments will become gaps will become stretches.

@onacloudynight I see. I’m uncertain what I would do. I’d likely try to connect with someone trained that I trusted. I’m very cautious and try to avoid medication. If I was pressed, I’d try the most mild one at the lowest dose. Once one starts with medication, I question how easy it is to get off. I had a gf that got on meds to get through a rough patch and had a hell of a time getting off. Like years trying. Yet, I’ve also thrown caution to the wind and have done a variety of strong psychedelics.

@onacloudynight I’m not aware of any medical professionals on the forum, so I would recommend taking advice here with a grain of salt. My personal view from experience is that western doctors are too quick to diagnose and try to fix with medication, which can lead to an ongoing cycle of medications that can ultimately be difficult to become free of. For me, psychiatrists and medication would be too big of a big jump to start. If I felt the need for professional help, I would first see a counselor and build a trust relationship. IME counselors with an Msw are more holistic and open-minded to various treatment options - including things like introspection, journaling, yoga, lifestyle changes as well as medication. I’ve found psychologists can be trained deeper, yet narrower in a school of thought. Both couselors and psycholgists work under strict confidentiality laws. You can be *crazy* with them. As long as you are not a threat to kill yourself or others, your craziness won’t leave the office.

I know someone who is diagnosed as bipolar and off her medication she became a threat to seriously harm herself and others. She is much more stable on her new med. There are neurological pathologies that are not just labels.

5-meo-dmt 20mg and 28mg. I've tripped about 30 times with various psychedelics. A few weeks ago, I did 12mg of 5-meo-dmt which felt comfortable. Last week at 20mg, the experience was similar to 12mg. A type of stoned, sublime feeling. 28hrs later, I bumped it up to 28mg. A similar experience as those before. There was awareness and I was completely comfortable. I'm not sure how to describe the sensations. It is completely different than any other psychedelic I've tried. (Well, maybe somewhat like San Pedro). It felt more like a powerful opiod - what I imagine heroine would feel like. There was a perspective that was completely different. Like I was a different person. A person with a higher consciousness level. Like going from green to yellow and being full-on yellow (or turquoise). 10min. in, my gf sent a few texts I noticed flicker on my phone. I was like "no way, not now". Yet, I noticed she was opening up about something. She is so guarded, she rarely opens up to the point of true vulnerability. The thing that caught my attention was she wrote that: "my life is overwhelming sumtimes. i'm jugglin a lot. And for sum reason, multiple blasts from my past have messaged abt gettin together". Well, I have strong feelings for this gal and this gets to the core of my insecurities and fear. I've been conditioned for monogamy and isn't gung-ho on monogamy (she wants "monogamish" - mostly monogamy with an occasional fling that does not disrupt the primary relationship). She has been in open relationships and has cheated in at least two monogamous relationships. She is still in touch with a few Ex BFs. We've agreed contact with Exes is fine as long as it's platonic. I'm interested in her perspective on dating and relationships, yet I am also conditioned. Due to her history and perspective, when Exes pop up it activates this lower consciousness level in me. I want to know whats going on. I want to know intentions. I see the other men as threats. I want to set up boundaries to protect our relationship, my territory. I get suspicious. I start making up stories in my head. Now. . .I can try to be aware of this and cognitively think at a higher level, yet my experience is at a lower level. Her text about multiple previous BFs wanting to get together would have ABSOLUTELY activated this lower level. However, on the 5-meo-dmt that level was NOT THERE. I wasn't suppressing or avoiding. That zone did NOT EXIST. What's more, my normal level of consciousness did not exist either. It was like I was some other person. A higher self. A higher love. There was this selfless caring I can't explain. For something that would have set my ego self on fire. Yet here, I was like a close friend of hers. I let her know I not only wanted to be her lover, but also a friend she could confide in. I let her know I was here and grounded. There was open space and I was totally fine if she entered the space or not. There was no pushing, pulling, steering, manipulating. Just silence and space. It was surreal. She decided to shift to a light topic about activities we did in high school. I was able to completely let go of the topic. Then, she texted "sumthin happened and you were the first person I wanted to tell but didn't. But it's a good sign still". Again. . . this would have triggered my "what going on?" brain. Ideas and stories would arise. I would have had to hold back not to be overly questioning as if she was on the witness stand. Yet, there was NONE of that zone. I simply responded "It's OK to tell or not to tell". And it was totally authentic. Again, a silent open space for her to enter if she wanted. She decided to change topics to celebrities we have met. Again, I was totally fine with letting go. There was no calculating at all. No thoughts of "I bet she is testing me. To see if she can trust me. I'll just play it cool". Rather, there was just an essence of being. A perspective of connection, love, caring for something or nothing. It's so hard to describe, yet so true. It felt like a higher evolved self. Towards the comedown, there is a realization that this is the next level of evolution for me. I didn't get a glimpse of it, I was immersed in it for 30min. And there was awareness that it had nothing to do with her and that I had to be willing and ok with losing her to reach this higher level. Loss = love. I didn't fight it and it was so clear that's just how it is. Even days later, something has changed in me. I still meander at different consciousness levels and have been tempted to ask her about those two texts. Yet after being exposed to that some type of higher evolved zone, it's like I can't go all the way back to my lowest zone. As if I was in zones 4-6 and couldn't understand people who talked in zone 7. Yet, after BEING zone 7, it's like I've shifted from zones 4-6 to zones 5-7. I don't know if that makes sense, I'm not quite sure how to explain it. I've read reports of people dissolving under 5-meo-dmt and how terrifying it can be. So far, my experience is different. Yet, I'm not complaining. It was very enlightening. As much as the Ayahuasca ceremony, without the terror and purging.