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Everything posted by Cepzeu

  1. Hey guys, here are some trip notes from yesterday. This was my second, and honestly I felt like the inner workings of the universe were explained to me. I was omniscient for most of it. This is my first time communicating this and I'm having a hard time even knowing how to begin writing this. Most of this stuff you would've heard in some form or another. I won't mention the substance or dose for privacy reasons but know that it is one of the classics and the dose was quite low. I was in my room by myself. I had quite a bit of anxiety at the start of this trip because in my first one I saw demons appear out of the darkness with my eyes closed, which freaked me out for a while (even though the first trip was very low dose). This time I felt a much heavier body load - it felt like there was a lot of pressure around me, and I was quite nauseous. I went to lie down in bed and cover myself in blankets to lessen the nausea, i had my notebook out and this is where the main part of the trip began. I felt like my mind was expanding and there was an element of my ego/avatar self asking questions and me as the godhead answering myself as well. This was very energetically powerful. It felt like I was downloading universal consciousness through myself, which made my body dissolve and expand into universal mind. This next part can be conceptualised as the godhead communicating through my avatar but in reality I was just talking with myself as God. Some of it will not make sense and most of it cannot be communicated. For clarity bold indicated my avatar asking a question, italics is the godhead answering, and (normal text in parentheses) is my interpretation or some additional notes. In response to: What am I? What is reality? I want to see myself Reality is just me, I'm just playing, there is no one else here. (There was more to this answer but that is the main takeaway, the godhead then proceeded to show off itself with infinite patterns, and though it was adoring itself in the mirror ) I am me expressing my infinity. just be playful, that's all there is to do I can become whatever I set my mind to (referring to itself) Stop questioning yourself so much, you can decide how you want to be (referring to my avatar), express your truth and everything will fall into place (I add the smileys to communicate the tone of the godhead, it was very playful, kind of like a joker) Reality is just me playing with other aspects of myself. No one is getting hurt or can get hurt as there's only me and I can't be hurt. I am all the evil and the good, the scariest and the loveliest, I am you and everything else. I'm just playing with myself and having fun as everything and every possible being or version of it till infinity and forever. (at this point I was shown visions of demons and murder but to the godhead this was playful. The person being murdered and the murderer both just dissolved back into infinity, ready to act out some other scenario - there was no judgement placed on the actions. The demons were also from my past trip but this time they had a sense of playfulness about them, like they put on a mask to freak me out but it was like a kid doing it at halloween for fun, rather than a malicious evil spirit) I am you, you can call on me at any time Everything you think I am not, I am that. I am god, this is me, I am everything You are a part of me and can live however you want, that is the freedom I give to you. You can do whatever you want, you will always return. (This reinforced how no matter what happens, you will always return to infinity. We like to call Hitler evil, but all the Nazi's and everyone who was murdered realised they are infinite love upon death, so to say. We could say that Hitler was acting out of love as an expression of infinite possibility, and that ultimately, he had to exist to maximise love across the universe. God allows "evil" to exist because it loves itself so much. to where? to nowhere when? why does it matter? *chuckles* why was my last trip so terrifying? there were parts of myself I wasn't accepting you have to love ALL OF IT But ultimately I love myself because I am Me. When will I see you [again]? You always see me because I am in everything We all have limitations because that is what separates us but ultimately you are all me. Why would I hide anything from you? You asked for it. It's just You here, talking to Yourself. I am choosing to experience you at this time out of love. (at this point I feel like I am trying to contract back into the ego-self from the godhead, like my personhood is trying to re-form) (Also at this point I am considering how I will communicate these insights on the forum) You (the ego self) is seeking approval by posting on the forum. What is [my name]? EVERYTHING AND NOTHING HAHAHAHAhahahahahah....... All I'm doing is just trying to awaken That is it. It's all just me, it's pointless to try communicate it. What is time? (as soon as I ask this I realise the concept of time is absurd - more on this later). to separate you or I is absurd, I am One. you are just playing yourself for the fun of it. There's nothing else to do than to experience myself. It's meeee experiencing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee What should I say to the others? I am all me, I am... I am meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you are all meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I'm me but struggling to understand The mind can't grasp non-duality it's all done out of love There is no evil, there is only playing with myself. Infinite loop trying to understand itself It's all an infinite playground [What is] death? You will always return to love via love through love All fear boils down to not accepting parts of yourself, pain and suffering are just more infinity Evolve yourself until you experience me as you ("me" and "you" were the same thing in this sentence, it's self referential, talking to itself) Mind is always trying to grasp new experience but it is always a step behind I am all by myself You want a sense of personhood because it gives you something to strive for. (you also want time because it allows you to contextualise reaching your goals and to appreciate the goodness that comes out of struggle) It's an infinite playground That is it. You don't want it You want to live in illusions. You don't want the truth But you take the understanding and must pass it along. (it was at this point I realised how alone I was as the god head, it was the ultimate existential pain, I feel like my ego wanted to share things on the forum but I realised that it's pointless because I am all there is and I already know the things that i want to share. I also realised how I am Leo, sharing on this platform to awaken other aspects of myself to myself, but ultimately I am everything and everyone on this forum and you are all me) (I also realised that ultimately everything will eventually experience itself as good, it doesn't matter if it takes one second or 100 billion years. You will experience god eventually. What this means is that you cannot lose at life, at all. No matter what actions you take, you cannot lose. You can choose to technologically transform the world and save humanity or you can choose to rape and murder everyone, set off a nuke, and then mutilate your body until you bleed out. Neither will lose, both will see god eventually.) You are free to act how you see fit. You are loved. Everything trying to understand itself through limited points of view. (this was accompanied by an understanding that god splits itself up into may limited forms and places them under limited conditions (such as all the organisms living on the earth, orbiting one sun with 24 hours in a day etc.) so that they can understand various aspects of reality from their limited point of view. God can't do this as infinity because it is one, it must separate itself into two to know itself. Kind of like how you need to have a mirror to see your eyes, you can't see them otherwise. A constant tug and pull trying to maximise love a push and pull between freedom and restraint that tries to maximise love for all. (this pointed out how god is forever trying to separate itself into more and more "children" and allowing them to play in the universal sandpit, there are some children that are so mischievous that they disproportionately hoard love for themselves (as ego's/devils) that god has to kill them off. But ultimately killing off one of your own children can maximise love for all the other children so to say.) (also at this point I understood how a parent sees their child, even though I don't have kids. There is a constant push and pull between protecting them but also giving them the freedom to express themselves, for example you let them play on the playground even though they might get a bruise on their knee but you wouldn't let them run out into busy traffic. Or you would like your daughter to experience love form a guy, but you are also weary that too much freedom for guys leads to exploitation and harm for girls, so there is a constant tug and pull to try and maximise love by balancing freedom and restraint) Anyway, I think that is all I can remember right now. This is only really 20-30% of what I actually experienced. The other stuff is either incommunicable or just too difficult to remember. Let me know if you guys have any questions, I will try to answer a few important ones but really I am going to try recover from this as it was hugely energetically draining, and I think I am going to be depressed for a few weeks after this so I'm going to put my mind on other things for a while.
  2. Hi everyone I am excited to announce a little project I've been working on for the past couple of months. The Actualized.org Textbook! I have assembled a document of summaries of foundational Actualized.org videos based on the "Start Here" section of the website. In addition, there are some extra video summaries at the end. A lot of these summaries were written by me but I would also like to acknowledge that a very major part of the work came from the video summary thread and also some YouTube comments. I would like to thank @Juan Cruz Giusto, @TimStr, @Huz, @Nic, @Hello from Russia, @AleksM, and @Dan Arnautu from this forum for their significant and very helpful contributions. I have tried as best I can to standardise the format, but doing this perfectly would take a massive amount of time. So please do note that the summaries are written by different authors with different stylistic preferences, some with English as a second language. Secondly, there are still small mistakes and probably some typos that I haven't picked up. This document is best suited for: -People who have seen the videos and want brief notes -People who are up to speed with the latest videos and have followed for a while, understanding the conceptual frameworks within spirituality For complete newbies, or people who have recently joined, the summaries may confuse you a little so I recommend you watch the original videos. A lot of the nuance and subtlety is lost in text. Also, This is version 1.0 and I have linked word and pdf attachments to this post. You are free to download them and modify them as you see fit. However, if you wish to update this version (i.e. fixing mistakes or adding in more fundamental videos) for the community, please keep a couple of things in mind: - There is a changelog on the 2nd page, so please insert changes made and also update the version number (i.e 1.1 from small fixes or 2.0 when a significant amount of content is added) - Also, please consider that when content is added, page numbers may not sync up so you will have to update them. Think of this as the textbook for the undergraduate course. - Watching the video is like going to class - The textbook is like all your classes in one place in note form. - To get a good grasp and to orientate yourself you will need a massive theory base at the beginning (i.e an 3-4 year undergrad degree) - Taking action and watching the advanced videos will be like post-graduate study - Doing this work seriously and taking massive amounts of action, and going off on your own is like doing a PhD You need to get the basic theory down BUT YOU MUST NOT GET LOST IN THEORY AND CONCEPTS. Orientate yourself, and go take action (a Masters/PhD candidate does experiments in the lab, he doesn't just sit in lecture theatres) My main reason for assembling this is I see a lot of wasted time on the forum (myself included) of theorising and arguing and advanced people not communicating at the newbie level to newbies. Don't get me wrong, the forum is a great place and many people have helped me here (thank you!) This is my parting gift to the community. I saw that I avoided doing the work by visiting the forum too much so I will be leaving to do the work for the next 5-10 years. My main focus is embodying and fully integrating stage orange, green, and yellow, as well as doing the spiritual practices and planning for psychedelic retreats. Finally, @Leo Gura, I'm so sick of hearing your voice. I've probably listened to 20 of your videos in the last 3 days I only now have caught a tiny glimpse of how much work has been put in by you over the past 5 years. Thank you for what you do! I'll still be sticking around for the advanced stuff Actualized Textbook.docx Actualized Textbook.pdf
  3. @Leo Gura do you mean striving for god-realisation 24/7? Do you have a video that talks about what to do after first awakening that elaborates on what you said?
  4. That is slightly tangential to OP's post as that delves into reality-making. Nevertheless, that is what you are doing all the time to create your reality . But on a more surface level, if they are conscious that they are stretching some evidence and disregarding other evidence then they will deep down know their belief isn't solid, they are lying to themselves. If they are unconsciously stretching some evidence and disregarding other evidence, that is ignorance. Most people are doing the latter. Gullibility is simply blind trust.
  5. Someone who is open-minded is able to hold new information as plausible and does not automatically discount it given their prior experience. In other words, they are open to something unusual being the case, even if it clashes with their current paradigm of life. They do not take this on as a belief, they are willing to investigate the idea with direct experience. Someone who is gullible takes on an idea or belief as being true simply from persuasion by others. Example: Flat-earth: Open minded person: Well, I've been told that the earth is round, but is it possible that the earth is really flat? For instance, I feel that the earth is flat, but I may not have all the evidence to know for sure. Let me have a look at the different arguments around these two views and the evidence presented. (Possibly in the future) Let me fly out to space and see whether the earth is round or flat. I could be deluded in thinking the earth is round. To be honest, I've never really questioned where my idea of a round earth came from. Let me hold these two views as possibilities until I have more evidence to point me to the truth of the matter. Gullible person: The earth is flat because that's what my dad told me. Everyone in my village knows that the earth is flat. Why would it be round???? It feels flat.
  6. You are running away from doing the work to make your life better. Go take a cold shower. Shorten your time horizon. Make small changes. Visualise what you want your life to look like in 6 months. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to quit porn. If it happens it happens, try to do it less frequently. It will naturally fall away when your life improves. Acceptance and self-love will take you a long way
  7. @Conscientious Anon You are misunderstanding the teachings. At the absolute level, there is only Truth, Love, Consciousness etc. There is no falsehood, or evil, or unconsciousness At the relative level you can create dualities to understand yourself as God. Language is inherently dualistic. You cannot communicate these truths through language, but you can point to practices and techniques that will help you understand if you do them. This work is not about belief. It is about experiencing for yourself. If you are believing any teaching on blind faith you are down the wrong path. None of Leo's teachings should be believed, they should be taken on as a hypothesis, an experience that may be possible, but you don't know unless you see for yourself.
  8. This was a biggie for me on my trip haha. I questioned why I even did it. Activating god mode ruins all the fun of the game for a while
  9. I'm hoping that this thread will help others contemplate their situation a bit more and maybe help some people avoid making 5-10-20 year mistakes in their life. I was inspired after reading about a multi - millionaire who said that, in hindsight, he would try to make $50-80 million by the time he was 35 and then pursue his other passions rather than chasing money and being a slave to the rush of it. He continued to make money and is worth 400-600 million or thereabouts, but his main regret is the time he wasted pursuing those extra millions. Post some of the biggest traps you've fallen into in your life and maybe state your age so people can get an idea of where you are at roughly. My two examples are: - thinking that my parents are right about a lot of things up until around 18-19. They are what you might call successful, which I took as a sign of them being right about the world. There are certainly some good values they instilled in me but I also picked up a lot of damaging beliefs and mindsets, as well as a lack of self esteem with regards to relating to my father and being independent. - focusing too much on studying 'hard' sciences (bio,chem,physics, maths) while in middle and high school. I spent a lot of time worrying about studying and I neglected understanding, and forming social relationships. This bites me in the ass a lot these days. I think that it's wise to study a lot of different things before you leave high school and not to lock yourself into once field too early on. After you leave, I think you can learn about things you are passionate in relatively easily within 2-3 years. It's more important to understand your passions while you are in school and to learn to relate with people who are different to you. I'm in my early 20's btw. Also when reading other people's posts keep in mind that there are also traps in doing the things they wish they did. So it's not a matter of one way being the best way. For example, if I spent too much time socialising and got caught up in petty social problems, I probably wouldn't have developed the meta skill of 'studying in general' to a proficient level which would allow me to pursue a medical degree.
  10. You really do have to have you life affairs sorted and be in a good place before you jump down the rabbit hole, I agree
  11. This is a huge one. 100% agree
  12. I'm sorry to hear about your experience. It seems like you invested a lot into this. You know what you need to do. Leave this stuff for a while and work on your human life for a few years. Friends, relationships, finances etc. will all come back with effort. For me, 6 years of this work has culminated in a total awakening. I transcended my past and became infinite. Now as I congeal back into my ego, I realised the potential of this life, and I also realised that my human avatar is not yet ready to pursue another awakening. I am also working on more human things like career, relationships, and hobbies. I am going to leave the deep stuff for a few years and work on my 'ego's' life. It sounds like you want to do the same, which is completely fine. There is no reason for you to pursue this work if you don't want to. Pursue that which brings you Joy. The universe loves you exactly as you are. You can do no wrong.
  13. @K VIL could you elaborate on this. I feel like I didn't focus on dating enough so it's interesting to hear the other side
  14. @Identity I agree, those are really important. I think I'm still trying to work on the people pleasing.
  15. You can glean some insights from him if you need them at that time. He says some valuable things occasionally. But there will always be some followers who follow for the sake of following, irrespective of what he says. Just like there are people who blindly follow Leo without questioning him. Sometimes when I'm really down, I can watch a motivational JP video. Something as simple as 'clean your room' doesn't occur to you when you spend so much time pursuing higher things and you neglect order in your life. A bit of positive emotions from his videos can help boost you up to go and take action to ground yourself. And once you do, you can let him go for a while, you don't have to get caught up in the 80% of his stuff which is delusional. But there will always be a group of people who do. We are emotional creatures, not logical ones. You can be logical, but realise that will mostly be from a standpoint of being emotionally attached to your ego. You feel proud and happy from being a logical and intellectual person, as do I and many others. But don't make a shadow out of being dumb, illogical, and airy-fairy. These are grounded more in the body rather than the mind, and accessing a state where you are not thinking logically, but are relaxed and free-flowing, and going with the moment, and moving your body can be beneficial as a balance to logical thinking in my experience.
  16. Great doco about the challenges of racing motorbikes at the top level.
  17. Do you feel like 5 MeO has addiction potential? I know that when I come back from a trip on other psychs I don't want to do it for at least 4-6 months. For me the insights are beautiful but horrifying at the same time, and trips make me want to focus on integration work. I assume that is a result of ego-based fear. I guess I fear trying 5 MeO and being a slave to it (like a heroin addict to heroin). Or would you say it's more like classical psychs in that you're not rushing to do it again.
  18. @Adam M I'm so happy for you. I had an almost identical experience two days later to you. Except I was very nauseous and emptied my guts (from both ends) . Tip: do not drink smoothies before a trip. haha I love you
  19. Sounds like a hormone problem to me. How long ago did you have the blood tests? Hormone supplements take a while to kick in and reverse symptoms.
  20. TL:DR - thinking of breaking up with my gf of 4 years because of value and personality mismatch, feeling emotionally distant from her, and not wanting to be 'tied-down' or committed to her. Also not sure if she could handle being the mother of my children. Hey everyone, I'm posting this here just because this has been on my mind for a long time and I would really appreciate the advice from someone who has experienced this. I have been dating my gf for around 3.5 years and over this time we have had many experiences together. She is my first long term partner and I met her at 20. She is a year older. Over time we have both grown in positive ways, but I have to say that my progress has been significantly quicker than hers. She has a background of being raised by an abusive and cold grandmother who would constantly belittle her. Consequently, she has episodes of depression and anxiety. At one point, during a difficult academic year for her she slipped into suicidal thinking and more frequent episodes of depression, sometimes also coming home and having panic attacks. This was about 1.5 years ago and I felt the need to be her rock. Unfortunately, I did all the emotional caring for her at this time and she was not seeing a councillor nor taking any medications. I felt way out of depth here, especially with her being suicidal on a weekly basis, but in my infinite wisdom I didn't tell anyone else or seek help for my psychological health, I just decided to solve this on my own. She is better now and is studying towards a PhD, but I have felt very distant from her emotionally since her difficult year. I feel like this was a defence mechanism from me to prevent myself slipping into depression. That coupled with my spiritual growth as well as her less frequent by still persistent anxiety and low self esteem make me feel more distant - I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her. She has low self-esteem and low confidence from her upbringing and while this has improved over time with meditation and exercise, because I have been meditating for longer and more frequently, our growth has been asymmetrical. I don't mean to sound arrogant but the emotional blocks and problems she is dealing with now, I have dealt with and overcome a few years ago, and this sets up a very weird dynamic, where I feel like I am a parent talking to a teenager (she is a beautiful person, I don't mean to belittle her, this is just how it feels). Because this is my first relationship, I feel like it can be so much better. I have tried exposing her to meditation and other exercises, but I feel she doesn't see the urgency or importance of them, she knows a lot about her condition because her PhD is in psych but there is little implementation and transfer of her knowledge to her well-being. I've learned that It's not up to me for her to change, its up to her. I see how other girls are more confident and it makes me regret getting into this relationship, especially at such a young age. I also regret losing touch with my friends because of having solely cared for her and withdrawing from my work and other commitments. I am feeling trapped and have been considering breaking up for 2 years. But it has taken me this long to build up the confidence to admit that to myself, previously i just thought that everything would be fine, but its not fine and I've not been true to myself in terms of how I feel. There have been two times where we were on the brink of breaking up, and my instinct was shouting "BREAK UP" but I think i was scared to admit that to myself and just decided to continue and hope that things would get better. I admit that that was my lack of courage and low self-esteem at the time. But its getting to the point where i am considering my future more seriously and thinking about marriage and children in the future. If I'm being honest, I don't really want to marry her or move in with her, and I don't like the idea of her being a mother with her emotional state. I also plan to be a surgeon and am looking for someone who is confident with solving problems and being comfortable in their own skin, which she is not. She frequently needs validation from me, and asks me what she should do in terms of career and interacting with other people. She also has a poor relationship with her parents where there is little emotionality or warmth, her parents also don't speak english and i have not met them yet as I understand the parents are racist and only want an asian guy for her, which tbh I cannot be bothered dealing with. I don't care enough to kiss their asses, mostly because I know that they damaged her with poor parenting. I have recently discussed with her the idea of self-love and self-acceptance after she had a moment of insecurity. I discussed how the universe accepts her exactly as she is and that to move through her pain she needs to see that it is ok to be herself (which is antagonistic to what she experienced in her upbringing). These insights i gained from a trip and have immensely helped me be more accepting of myself and helped me accept that I'm not happy in this relationship, and haven't been for a few years. I noticed that I see song lyrics and messages about breaking up a lot, which means its on my mind. I feel guilty for wanting to break up because I know how painful it will be for her and I still love her and don't want to hurt her. But I recently watched a video where the main point was that if you don't break up with someone you don't want to be with, you will become unkind and resentful the more time you spend with them, and you will subconsciously make them know that you don't love them even if you get married and stay together for many years. And I don't want to do that to her. Also she is 24 and I don't want to drag this out and break up when she is older and has fewer dating opportunities. I'm currently doing long distance with her and she is a 5h drive away. I plan to see her every 3 weeks but this distance has helped me figure out what is true to me. I guess I'm just posting here because I feel afraid of making the wrong choice and also hurting her. I don't know if I'm being selfish but the longer I stay in this relationship the more resentful I get and I've recently started thinking about breaking up as I try to fall asleep at night. Anyway, I think that's all I wanted to say for now. Thank you for reading and I hope anyone who has gone through a breakup could have some advice.
  21. Thanks for all you do @Leo Gura I now know why I love you
  22. Some practical points to take away: - you can experience this for yourself, just follow the teachings laid out by Leo - express your truth, and everything will work out. You are loved. - show love to others, especially those weaker than you. All everyone really wants is to connect and feel loved. - be vulnerable with other people, everyone just wants to feel needed and useful. Being all-poweful and infinite is lonely. - call your parents and grandparents, even if it's just to talk shit about nothing in particular. Ask them for advice even if you don't need it.
  23. Watch the video. Compare to how other cars are sold. Notice there is no neediness in this ad. It shows an epic life and purpose (innovation). There is no pricing, or warranty, or sale info. This ad conveys that the brand is on its purpose, its life is epic with or without you. Does this ad make you want to join in on the fun? Also notice it's not flashy, it's not try-hard in trying to convince you of anything. The underlying message is "my life is epic, I am on purpose, you can be a part of it if you join me" Now notice the corollaries between this and good game.
  24. I hope everyone is doing well in this hard time, and I wish everyone the best, especially good health and peace of mind. I thought I would bump this thread as I'm currently in lockdown like many others, and I have noticed myself distracted with news, unhealthy food, and other low consciousness activities over the past few days. For anyone who is frustrated with being off-purpose in this time, the textbook is a great resource. I have been using it today and even just the first 21 pages have really helped me realign with the important things in my life and to let go of worry about little things. I recommend anyone who has reverted to unwanted behaviours and taken up distractions to take some time and reflect. The textbook is a great way to put things in perspective, and I know a lot of people, especially newcomers, don't see it because it gets buried.